Control

Cinnamon and I were talking about control. I worry sometimes that I try to control too much. But...she brought to my attention a whole new concept.

I had althought thought I had a pet peeve - when someone says - let's do dinner at 7pm and then changes the plans - it really really really upsets me. I just thought that it was a quirk. She think's that it's because I need a structured environment to be sane. When someone changes plans last minute it seems like disrespect, lying, and a few other dirty words. So, ultimately this method of control is not about trying to control people, I'm trying to control my environment and this is okay. Cinnamon came to the conclusion that I control my environment to keep my own sanity, I want to avoid getting mad or feeling hurt so I try not to put people in positions where I know they'll let me down...yet, when they do...it hurts in a rather extreme way.

Apparently, this "pet peeve" is one that is extremely common in individuals with OCD. I was shocked and rather relieved to hear this. I had always thought that I was just batty about this issue for no reason. Now I know that I'm not alone and I'm learning that the more I learn about these little quirks I have, how they make me feel, and how I can avoid them, the more I'm able to share that with those I love or care about and thus not lose someone because of something silly - like a misunderstanding.

Doctor Update and Control

Lots to say, but let's start with:

--Control--
I think after much talk and thought, Brian has control issues. He has to be in control. He decided when we took the relationship to the next level, when he met my family, and when our relationship ended. He controlled the break-up and now he's controlling how and when he comes back into my life. I don't get any say in any of it, at all! He has told me not to call him and so I don't. He can email and ask me questions but I don't feel that I can ask things in return. I'm not sure why he feels that he needs to control everything but that's not my concern. I could care less about the why, it's the intention that is important to me. Does he know he has control issues and is that what he has been trying to do all along or is this something he isn't even aware of? Did he dump me because he realized that I was catching on? He'd say thing like "I like it when you wear x." or "You should wear your hair like z." Of course, I'd try to please and do it. Just before we broke up, he said he liked something and I told him "Oh well, I wear y because it's comfy and I'm not gonna wear x." Was I too strong for him? Did his loss of power result in his complete freak out?


--Doctor Update--
Went to the doc and I'm moving forward. I'm coming off the Effexor. AHHH! I'm scared and excited all the same. It's the time in my life when I need to do this and I have to keep faith in myself that I can do this! Starting tomorrow, the process begins and I can definitely do this!