Bummer

Well, I lost my best friend today, although it has been a long time coming. Brian has been a great friend to me. He's always been a listening ear, he's always been very smart and filled with wonderful insight...yet...he never saw me and I struggled with this for a long time. When we dated I complained about this to Alena and we had long chats about what I could do differently. When we started being friends, I just figured...oh well...I've tried as hard as I can and there's no point in throwing more effort into it. Brian insists that I only see the bad in people. He thinks that I'm full of negative energy. Yet I was the only friend of his who bothered to contact him on his birthday - even though he didn't do the same for me. Negative? Ha! I have to laugh at that of course. I have to stop and think of Cinnamon and how she's told me time and again how people see in others the things they don't like in themselves. It would have bothered me that he said this but being that no one else in my life has ever said this...and when I mentioned it to a few friends and family members they laughed...I have to take it like a grain of salt.
My mother and I recently talked about Brian (last week) and how he probably wasn't going to be in my life much longer. It's been time (whether I wanted it to be or not) that Brian got out of his comfort zone and stopped spending time with me. I would always keep the door open for Brian as he's been my best friend, but at my mother and I chatted and...it was time that Brian found new friends, hobbies and grand ventures. I will say that in his finding these new ventures - I am so proud of him! He started taking classes at a local college, he told me he didn't want to hang out with me but rather some other friends, and he started doing...things. Things he could share and talk about with me that didn't actually have to involve me. Things that weren't work related or work centered. In this he became a real friend to me, he stopped being clingy Brian who would have his feelings hurt when I had other plans and couldn't hang out with him, and he started being Brian again - the guy I first met.

I've lost friends before and I always say that friends come and go, that's the way the world works. They come into your life to show you something and they leave when that's completed. To this I would like to add that Brian has taught me a lot. He changed my life. Without him I never would have started my dog rescue which became something so much bigger and better than I ever could have expected. I never would have saved so many lives. I never would have moved into a little ghetto apartment and then into a real home. I never would have had a wake up call that made me get out into the world and start experiencing things - like climbing, yoga, rafting, snowboarding...if it wasn't for him. I'd probably still be living in my little apartment on Watt with my dog, watching TV alone at night after cooking exotic meals and working crazy hours. Perhaps the most important thing that Brian taught me was that the towels don't have to be perfect, this has become a metaphor for my life and so much more.

It's sad to lose a friend, especially a best friend, but because of Brian, I am taking something away from this friendship that I have never had before. For that, I am supremely grateful.

My mind reels...I still feel very guilty and stupid over the whole incident. I keep beating myself up for several levels of the event. Definitely the obvious but also the acting stupid and the not being open in the end. I'm frustrated with myself since I still want to be with him in the way we've always been together - yet I know with CERTAINTY that I can't want that for myself. I'm better than this. So why do I want something that is so bad for me?

In an attempt to be destracted I went out for dinner with Fernando last night. It was strange to be sitting at a table across from him. I realized that the friendship we had six years ago is definitely long gone - he's not someone I really know any more. I also sat across from him thinking, I would way rather be having dinner with Brian. Brian is a mental equal to me in some ways (not all). He can carry a deep conversation with logic, knowledge and understanding. Where as Fernando is very superficial. I never really noticed that back when. I guess as we get older we realize new things and learn to leave behind the old and move onto the new.

Ultimately, I suppose my dinner with Fernando was not a distraction but rather a further realization of what I already know. That I have to move on. That I have accept the path that I'm on and I have to stand strong in making sure that I am getting the best things for me right now.

Switching It Up

I'm changing stuff, things that don't work go out and things that work stay in. End of story!
I've got two important meetings today and they may mean a happier, healthier me, at least that's what I'm counting on. We'll have to see.
Other than that, life's good. I've got a lot going on. Things are right. I love my new house, it's wonderful. Sure my roommates can be pills on occassion but that's okay too, I'm learning how to deal with that and I think it's making me a better person.
For example, after my weekend camp trip, I came home and there was someone else's underwear in my room! YIKES! I wanted very badly to completely flip out. Instead, I washed my sheets, announced to the house that who ever left their underwear in my room could find it in the living room, and I used tongs to move the underwear to the center of the living room. Magically, it disappeared...ha!

Enjoying Summer

I had this grand plan that I'd stick without a job and live off my savings for the summer...you know, rafter, bike, hike, climb, yoga and just do anything I want all day during the sunny times. But...as life goes I got a kick butt job offer and I'm unfortunately gonna have to take it. I'll be making more money, have great benefits, work less than I already do and hopefully really enjoy the job. I'm excited that I'm getting the chance to shift in good directions but I'm a little bummed that I'm not gonna get to be a total lazy slob all summer. Oh well!

Flowing...

I'm flowing, you know...going with the flow of what comes my way. This means that things are changing in a million directions. First off, I'm not moving to Maine. Secondly, I am moving out of my apartment and so I have to find a new place...ASAP. Third, I am still quitting my job so I need to find something new...lastly, I'm taking the summer to be a bum and I'm not planning to work full time (or part time really).
Don't ask how this all came about, but let's say - it's good, it's cool, it's right.

Building up Power

Send me positive thoughts...I'm about to go into the boss' office and tell him when my last day will be...ahhh...CHANGE scares the shit out of me sometimes.

The Thoughts are Moving Slowly

I have so much to think about, but...the great news is that all of the thoughts are moving slowly around in my head and don't feel overwhelming at all. Yesterday, my mother commented on what a difference she's seen in me. MY MOM, of all people. She says I seem calmer, more at peace. She's so right!
First thought to address, Ryan. I like him, he's nice. Tuesday we were chatting and he asked "What's your background?" I didn't understand what exactly he wanted to know...so I probed...and he said "Did you have a happy childhood? I've never met anyone who's even remotely like you." That made me smile. I know I'm unique. Just keep in mind that you will NEVER meet anyone like me again.
Second thought, there is someone who wants my apartment. She wants to move in April 15th. That means I need to pack up all my stuff and find a place to camp out for the 10 days I'm still here...kinda scary and kinda exciting all at the same time.
Third thought, yesterday Kim and I went out for sushi. I haven't had sushi in far too long (maybe even weeks). It was nice. In the middle of lunch Kim goes "I think you're gonna fall in love in Maine." It was kinda out of the blue but she's the third person to say this. I don't think I'm gonna fall in love in Maine, but everyone around me does. In fact, I'm not really looking for someone right now. I'm enjoying the single life...mind you, the last time I was single I was 21 and wild...now I'm different and single is nice and calm...it's good. I'm not really on the market...I'm dating and enjoying it but I'm certainily only looking short term for the time being.
Fourth, perhaps it's Kim's fault...but last night I had a dream that I met a guy who I wanted to marry. He liked to ride bike and stare up at the stars with me. It was a silly dream really...
Fifth, my family from out of state is here visiting. I'm planning on going down to Woodpile to see them on Friday. It should be fun, I certainly don't get to see them as often as I'd like to.
Last, I have a busy day ahead of me and I feel ready! I feel ready for whatever comes my way. No expectations, just ready to hit the ground running...

The Reason I Said No

I dated a guy who liked to climb and at the time I said no...not interested. I said no because I knew that there are certain things when done by a gal with nails...hurts. There have been a few things in my life that have taught me to be careful with my nails. Like wake boarding and bowling - both which suck when done with nails.

Well, today I realized that my latest hobby of climbing isn't just a temporary thing and I caved. I decided that my enjoyment will take the front seat and my vanity the second. That's right...I am now...nail-less.

For some of you, this may be a HUGE shock. I never thought I'd do it. I've had nails for over five years now. This means that I will now have $100 more a month and I will also have 2 hours more free time each month. It should be exciting, but for the time being...it's sad. I'm sure I'll get use to it and for the adrenaline it will certainly be worth it.

The Queen of Change

I am the Queen of Change. It seems that I get in these moods and want to change things in my life - in spurts. Well, today my plans were finalized. I move to Maine and start my new job on May 1st.
I'm looking for a place, I'm looking for a friend, I'm looking...for...myself. That's okay. I'm excited to be a part of this great venture and I know that working for a non-profit will be very rewarding to me.
I need to think about what to do with all my stuff as I'm probably only going to be living on the east coast for a short while. I'm going to need to purchase my plan ticket soon and I need to get Chewy's ticket. I checked into the airline I'd like to use and he can go in the cabin with me so that makes me feel better - I'd hate to have to check him as luggage...I'm not sure I could do that.
My mother wants me to get my passport also. She's convinced that since I'll be in Maine, I might as well as go check out Canada.
I need to speak with my teachers about finishing the semester remotely...I already know that won't be a problem.
Wow - deep breath. If I don't focus on the now and the immediate, I can certainly get overwhelmed by the future.

It's Coming!!!

So, here's the deal with that big change I was talking about...

I'm being offered a really cool opportunity. I'm being offered the chance to spend the summer in Maine, on the beach, teaching adults to read. The program is focused on increasing adult literacy and it's through a non-profit group. It sounds like such a great fit for me. Look at some of these places I'm considering...

I forsee Chewy and me hanging out on the water during the day and reading on the porch late into the night. I suppose my last break up really gave me wings. It taught me that I have to live life in my own fashion if I'm to be happy. If I give in to some thing that isn't 110% me, then it means I'm hurting myself. One thing that I really didn't realize at the time was that I was so jealous of him, so flippin' jealous! He had a freedom of self that I am just now getting to. I'm excited to be at this place and can say that I'm not jealous of him now. Because, I realize that the only thing holding me back, was myself.

___________

Crush boy was adorable today! We sat around talking for a while and shared a piece of gum. Instead of thinking like I use to and worrying about if he was someone I would marry or someone I would want to have kids with...I'm actually considering trying him out and just seeing what happens!!! WOW! A whole new concept...who would have thought that I could take any relationship one day at a time. Although I am leaving the state in a matter of days...weeks...a month...hahaha...so I suppose this is really the best path. I'm feeling blessed!

Long Gone

I cut off 6 inches of hair today...for locks for love. Yippee! I've got this totally new do and it's sassy!

I also spent part of the day looking at homes in Maine. I'm thinking that something on the beach would be nice...although I'm still fairly flexible. My mother thinks that a bungalow is my style. Go figure! I'm excited about the changes that are coming in my life and I'm scared...yet I'm ready! More details will emerge as things are set in motion, yet - for now...just go with the flow...

Oh, did I mention that Beaver's bid on a house went through and he's going to move into it in about a month. I'm excited for him! He's a great friend and I hope that things work out well for him.

I went to the dentist today and her name was Dr. House! Go figure!!! I thought that was the funniest thing I've heard in a while. My teeth are a bit sore, she did this horrible thing with a tool called the Cavitron...don't ever let them play with that when you're in the room. RUN!

Josh wants to do dinner in Napa on Wednesday. I want to but I also know that my priorities need to be a different place right now. I hate to turn him down as it's been too long...yet, I know that I need to focus on things here, at least for a while!

Something Big is Brewing

Some of you may have gotten the emails by now and I'd like to start with a big "Thank you" for the work I know you'll put into your response. This is a rather big, terrifying move for me...and yet I don't think it has come as a surprise to any of my friends. My friends all know that I'm a bleeding heart.

I have to give! I hate to admit it but I feel entirely unfulfilled and empty if I'm not giving something of myself to someone or something else. This upcoming opportunity is important to me and I know it will help to shape me in ways I can't even begin to imagine. With each new venture in my life I am growing and learning and it is because of these ventures that I continue on this path.

I'm scared of course. I'm not one to seek out failure and really believe that if I put my heart and mind into something I can always come out ahead, but I also know that sometimes the battle isn't one you can win. I like to think that life isn't how Barnes' describes it when she says "he comes, he goes away, and everything goes on the same, except that people have something to talk about." I like to believe that although I may come and I may go away, I leave a piece of me in ever place I've been and every life I've encountered. I have an unimaginable number of pieces left to leave in the world and I'm excited to begin this venture. Again, thank you for all your help!

Change

I have absolutely nothing that I have to do today. Is that the weirdest thing ever? I think it's been about two years since I've been able to say that.
I don't have a boyfriend to entertain, a friend to "play" with, a breakfast/lunch/dinner to attend, no dogs to rescue, no chores to do, no homework, no class, nothing required of me! WOW!
I'm actually a little stressed out by it. Go figure! It's almost as if I've forgotten how to entertain myself.
I went to Yoga this morning and got my ass kicked. BIG TIME! I don't remember ever sweating that much and enjoying it. Then I went and picked up a puzzle and some movies. Now...I can do anything...will I walk my dogs? Paint my nails? Pick my nose? I can do whatever I want. OH MY GOD that seems like a lot of pressure for me!
Deep breathing, deep breathing...
I'm going to try on my new bikini that I got for the ocean this summer. I'm excited about that. What else? No telling, no expectations, no wants, no desires...

The Good Things We See In Others

In (of course) a written correspondence with a good friend of mine, he wrote:
"Well, well. You've got some major changes going in your life, don't you? Two months without a Midori Sour? That's impressive in its own right, not to mention going off the meds, too. Sounds like somebody might be getting settled into her own skin ... ;)"

I can't say that I thought this on my own. I wouldn't say that I felt "settled" into my own skin but yes, I am becoming more at peace with my reality - I suppose...I do like my skin and feel some what at ease with it.

The no meds, no alcohol, no caffine, and upped exercise has really made a change for me.

First, the no meds. I never thought I'd be in this place in my life. It had always seemed so scary! Although, Kay Jamison did write "pills cannot, do not, ease one back into reality; they only bring one back headlong, careening, and faster than can be endured at times." I felt like this really hit home for me. My medications had become such a concrete part of my own reality that they were beginning to push me in directions that weren't healthy and yet I held fast. Living without them has been hard, coming off them much easier than I had thought...yet...I will confess that since Saturday morning my heart rate has been faster than I'd like and my mind more scattered and fragmented than I'd like. I suppose certain stimuli still create that reaction for me...but, the realization of these facts and the knowledge that I can handle this without medication, without those emergency pills I carry on me...really feels empowering. I'm pill free for one month on Monday!!!! ME!!!

Second, no alcohol and no caffine! I came off both because without the medications I really needed to focus on only putting the good into my body until I am in a place that's firm enough to alter that state. No telling if I'll get there in a month, a year, a decade...but until I find that place and know that I'm not going to be without it under the imfluence of these drugs, I don't think that either of these products are of any use to me. This friend of mine, knew how I used alcohol to relieve my discomfort in an unhealthy way and he's right - this is a rather remarkable thing for me to walk away from. But, I am strong enough in myself and I suppose, settled into my own skin, in a way that allows me to control these emotions without the help of something like alcohol.

I think that the best things in ourselves are the things that others see and we can't. The things that are pushed back into our minds that we don't acknowledge until brought forth by someone in our lives. Those are the things that are fundamentally who we are and those are the things that make each and every individual so unique and precious.

My Likes and Dislikes

I don't always accurately express my likes and dislikes. For example, sometimes I'll ask a question or sometimes I'll present an opposite opinion - it doesn't mean that's what I like. It means that I want you to tell me more, to tell me why that other opinion isn't valid...I want to learn from your thoughts and your thought process.
Another thing is that I feel a distinct need to pull away from anything that is "atypical" or "popular." This includes The Beatles, guitar, publishing and non-productive hobbies like painting, photography, creative writing...I like all those things I just get frustrated at the idea that I'm like everyone else and so I try to pull away and dislike those things. I like The Beatles! I love them in fact, I have a t-shirt with them on it and yet today I cringed when someone said their name...then I stopped and thought - no, I like that, I don't understand my own reaction there but it's not accurate. I also thought about how uncomfortable guitar's make me. Someone sitting around playing their guitar makes me on edge. It's so typical, it's so average and yet...I like it! In fact, the very first guy I ever really "fell" for was a bass player, so was the second and the third. Those weren't bad experiences...I'm just not representing my feelings currently here either.

I need to focus on expressing what I actually feelt. I need to work on accepting my dislikes and lkes independent of others. I don't care if it's common so why do I react? Something in me tells me to be different and not agree...am I afraid of being lost in the crowd? Me...of all people...hahaha!

From here on out, no more uncomfortable feelings about things I ligitmately like. I'm going to embrace them with open arms!! I need to start focusing on telling the truth to myself and taking that with openness.

So...Matt is playing in town this week and next. I've got a personal connect...so anyone who wants to go see him, let me know and you're in. Or you can just come hang out with a group of us and if we get lucky we may be able to convince him to play...hehehe...I think we'll get lucky, we normally do.

Doctor Update and Control

Lots to say, but let's start with:

--Control--
I think after much talk and thought, Brian has control issues. He has to be in control. He decided when we took the relationship to the next level, when he met my family, and when our relationship ended. He controlled the break-up and now he's controlling how and when he comes back into my life. I don't get any say in any of it, at all! He has told me not to call him and so I don't. He can email and ask me questions but I don't feel that I can ask things in return. I'm not sure why he feels that he needs to control everything but that's not my concern. I could care less about the why, it's the intention that is important to me. Does he know he has control issues and is that what he has been trying to do all along or is this something he isn't even aware of? Did he dump me because he realized that I was catching on? He'd say thing like "I like it when you wear x." or "You should wear your hair like z." Of course, I'd try to please and do it. Just before we broke up, he said he liked something and I told him "Oh well, I wear y because it's comfy and I'm not gonna wear x." Was I too strong for him? Did his loss of power result in his complete freak out?


--Doctor Update--
Went to the doc and I'm moving forward. I'm coming off the Effexor. AHHH! I'm scared and excited all the same. It's the time in my life when I need to do this and I have to keep faith in myself that I can do this! Starting tomorrow, the process begins and I can definitely do this!