I Think I'll Go Hide Under a Rock Now...thanks

Go ahead, ask how auditions went today. I dare you!!! I went in with a song I'd never done before and had only been in practice with for one week...and I completely fell flat on my face. I missed my fifth note and then got scared and nervous and totally forgot the entire second stanza...IDIOT!!!
They asked me to come to call backs and I'm thinking...no...it was almost a joke that they even asked. I know that I did bad, I know that they can't possibly want to see me do that again...I don't think I'll go to call backs. Instead, I'm gonna go crawl under the rock over there...
Besides, the only reason I can see even asking me to call backs is because they want to cast me in the show because they need people who are okay with the whole nudity thing. Sure I'll get naked on stage, but this go round...I think I want a cast and crew that hasn't seen me flop!

Seriously, if I had a video camera I would have to share it will everyone - it was the worst thing you could all imagine...hahaha...it was so bad that I can't help but laugh!

Fear of February

I'm not entirely sure how I got to this place, but I have a fear, a complete and utterly terrifying fear of February. I start to feel this impending doom around the middle of January as I feel February creeping into my calendar view.

Here it is, the "F" word...the nasty, dirty thing that it is - February!

There are a lot of thoughts about where I think this fear may have come from. The first being that I have never been dating someone and been spoiled on that dreaded day...February 14th. I have never gotten those beautiful red roses, chocolates or a romantic dinner.

There was a year, long, long ago, when I was asked on a Valentine's date. Like most of my attempts at special nights...it failed miserably with me sitting in a really hot outfit with my female roomie. We made the best of it and used edible body paint and rum to distract from the fact that my date flopped and although he showed up, he showed dressed casual (jeans!!), no flowers, no chocolates, no dinner plans...oh yeah, and he showed up on the door at 10pm.

I suppose ever since that really nasty event (which I do take partial credit for, which I'd rather not get into too much detail over ...now at least...), I've had a very terrifying time watching February 14th creep onto my calendar.

This year will be like all the others though...I will not have a date, I will not get flowers, I will not get chocolates and I will not get a romantic dinner with someone I love. I will inevitably be forced to watch my co-workers get flowers, eat their chocolates and discuss great dinner plans around the water cooler.

I almost feel a strange sort of acceptance about this though. Although my heart flutters and my squint in anger when I look at the calendar, I know that I'll get an "I love you" telephone call from Alena, I know that Akiko will send me an e-card with something crazy on it, my dad will inevitably get me a really thoughtful Hallmark item and the day will pass, like the worst of everything always does.

My Likes and Dislikes

I don't always accurately express my likes and dislikes. For example, sometimes I'll ask a question or sometimes I'll present an opposite opinion - it doesn't mean that's what I like. It means that I want you to tell me more, to tell me why that other opinion isn't valid...I want to learn from your thoughts and your thought process.
Another thing is that I feel a distinct need to pull away from anything that is "atypical" or "popular." This includes The Beatles, guitar, publishing and non-productive hobbies like painting, photography, creative writing...I like all those things I just get frustrated at the idea that I'm like everyone else and so I try to pull away and dislike those things. I like The Beatles! I love them in fact, I have a t-shirt with them on it and yet today I cringed when someone said their name...then I stopped and thought - no, I like that, I don't understand my own reaction there but it's not accurate. I also thought about how uncomfortable guitar's make me. Someone sitting around playing their guitar makes me on edge. It's so typical, it's so average and yet...I like it! In fact, the very first guy I ever really "fell" for was a bass player, so was the second and the third. Those weren't bad experiences...I'm just not representing my feelings currently here either.

I need to focus on expressing what I actually feelt. I need to work on accepting my dislikes and lkes independent of others. I don't care if it's common so why do I react? Something in me tells me to be different and not agree...am I afraid of being lost in the crowd? Me...of all people...hahaha!

From here on out, no more uncomfortable feelings about things I ligitmately like. I'm going to embrace them with open arms!! I need to start focusing on telling the truth to myself and taking that with openness.

So...Matt is playing in town this week and next. I've got a personal connect...so anyone who wants to go see him, let me know and you're in. Or you can just come hang out with a group of us and if we get lucky we may be able to convince him to play...hehehe...I think we'll get lucky, we normally do.