Unexpected and Unwanted

*(&! (*&! (*&! He's so wonderful. We went out last night and I drank WAY too much, ended up puking in the street. He stayed with me all night and even wanted to kiss me in the morning. SO I'm just getting into bed and who texts me? ---Brandon! My life is @&#(ed up! Brandon is being replaced and that's scary for me.

Angry

I'm angry at Brandon for coming back when he wasn't ready to really come back. Remember when he went through the whole "I need some time alone" line. Well then he got a girlfriend. Then he came back even though he had a girlfriend, now he's gone again...in less than three weeks. It makes me angry that he thinks he can show up and go away so easily. Next time he surfaces, I'm not so sure I'm gonna be available. I'm rather frustrated at the whole situation.

Rotten

Then I decided to call home and check in on the days events. Not a smart move. Apparently my brother and his wife (mind you they're in the middle of a divorce) got into a fight. His wife was upset that my brother is taking their kids over to his new girlfriend's house. Being that my brother hates being told what he can and can't do, he apparently got upset and told her that "he can do whatever he wants when he has the kids" to which she then told the children "say goodbye to your daddy cause you might not be seeing him for a while." Good gracious! I get both sides of the issue. She's hurt...I don't blame her. My brother feels a right of ownership...ultimately I don't care how they feel, I just worry about those kids. It's entirely unfair to put them in the middle of this! Fight with each other, fine...gouge each others eyes out...but don't fight in front of the kids or about the kids...it's simply not fair!!! Yet when I said this to my father, he responded with "life's not fair, you're brother has made stupid decisions and someone has to pay for them." I know...I know...I know! I just hope that through all of this my nieces and nephews will come through smarter and better off. I hope that they don't get damaged by their parents mistake but rather become better people because of it.

Intensity

I'm too intense for 95% of the population. First there was Brad who ran away cause I was too much to handle for him. Now...strangely...I think Brandon may be running. STRANGE!! We've been doing our thing and yesterday he sent me a message that said "Do me a favor - back off. I have some things I need to deal with." To which I was quickly offended and sent him a message that read "WOW! Not like you at all. Harsh!" And he then said "Sorry, nothing against you. I just need some time alone."
What does any of that mean? I'm not going to stress over it, but I do have to wonder just what's up. He's been in my life (on and off) for five years. But in the past when things weren't what he wanted he just disappeared, what does it mean that he actually told me this time and does that mean he's not going away, he just needs space. I'm so confused and the worst part is that strangely, in the past, I've used my wall and ignored the sketchy in our relationship - however, I seem to care this time...what does that say about me?

The Name Game

I've got to start keeping names straight!!
First, let me start with a short, totally unrelated story. I had my first day of work at my new job today. I helped host the Maria Shriver Book Signing. It was a great event. It was private for our top donors and about 100 people were invited. There were free books and of course the lady was there to sign them. There were wonderful wines and great food pairing. It was a pretty event and overall a great turn out. I, of course, haven't helped to host a formal event in about four years and I forgot the importance of comfy shoes. So as I paraded around in my high heels I wondered if my feet were bleeding. At the end of the event, I took them off to walk back to the parking lot...can you just picture me, strolling down Capitol Avenue with my cute skirt, argyle shirt and my high heels in hand...hahaha!
Back to names...so after this event, I went over to Brandon's new home. It was nice. We put on some music, broke out a bottle of Kendall-Jackson and sat down on his extra long couch. We chatted about life, changes and stuff. We haven't seen each other since January so there was much to be talked about. It was a nice time. At one point, I accidentally called him Brian. To which, he didn't catch on, but I have to admit that I was rather distrubed by the whole thing!

Functioning

I told Alena that I'm in love and she wants to know with who...hahaha...

I'm getting to go to Yoga and I'm sooooo excited. I haven't been able to go in three days due to school and other committeements. It sure will feel good to move my body and stretch. My flexibility is incredible compared to what it was when I started this in January.

Brandon is sick, really sick. Poor guy! I'd volunteer to help him out with stuff but I'm in no shape to get sick now. Go figure!

My boss's father died so he'll be out of the office all week so that he can fly home and be with family. I'm not entirely sure what proper etique is for this type of thing but I'm thinking I'll send flowers from the office to the funeral home. I want his family to know that they're in our thoughts and prayers.

It's a Step with No Door

So tonight I did what I always do when alone or scared - I went and hung out with Brandon. He was house sitting for his sister...shortly after Brandon and I met five years ago, he moved into this house with his grandfather who was severely ill (old age). When his grandfather died a year and a half ago, his sister bought the house and moved in with her husband and two kids. Of course Brandon moved out at that time and I hadn't been in the house since. BUT WOW! His sister really did an amazing job at fixing up the place. The family knocked down walls, re-did the flooring, painted, and more. It looks stunning now, modern!

Anyway, Brandon and I hung out and it was nice. Mind you, when I was dating the Beaver and then the other Brian - I didn't see Brandon at all. I didn't want to make either one worry (although I'll admit telling the other Brian that I was still hanging out with Brandon. After some thought and debate, I decided that I did that because he got to hang out with girls who liked him and didn't care about my feelings so I felt that it would make me feel better to do the same - it didn't...but that's another story...). So, Brandon and I watched a few movies, I got to see Beau (the most adorable senior dog). We had a good time. There was a lot of quiet time where we were just sitting around and enjoying each others company. During these quiet moments I realized that there is a lot about him that I need to recognize and consider.

First - Brandon has been important in my life because he puts me in line. When I say something stupid or act in a way he doesn't like - he doesn't put up with it. He calls me on it and stands firm. He needs absolutely nothing from me and this is a comfort to me. I need this in my life every once in a while.

Second - It isn't that Brandon makes me feel great about myself, it's that I only spend time around him when I need a boost and am really working at making myself feel good. He just happens to be there.

Third - It took five years but I am comfortable around him. He may be one of the few guys who I'm attracted to and still able to be around without feeling scared, nervous, or afraid.

When I'm with him I don't feel like I have to work on anything. I don't have to cuddle if I don't want to and he isn't going to try to make me. I don't have to pretend to be interested in something if I'm not, he doesn't care. His self confidence is contagious and it feels good.

Mind you, while I'm hanging out with him my phone rang like no tomorrow...when I left his place, I had messages from Beaver, Mandy, Fernando and Mom. Glory!

Fear of February

I'm not entirely sure how I got to this place, but I have a fear, a complete and utterly terrifying fear of February. I start to feel this impending doom around the middle of January as I feel February creeping into my calendar view.

Here it is, the "F" word...the nasty, dirty thing that it is - February!

There are a lot of thoughts about where I think this fear may have come from. The first being that I have never been dating someone and been spoiled on that dreaded day...February 14th. I have never gotten those beautiful red roses, chocolates or a romantic dinner.

There was a year, long, long ago, when I was asked on a Valentine's date. Like most of my attempts at special nights...it failed miserably with me sitting in a really hot outfit with my female roomie. We made the best of it and used edible body paint and rum to distract from the fact that my date flopped and although he showed up, he showed dressed casual (jeans!!), no flowers, no chocolates, no dinner plans...oh yeah, and he showed up on the door at 10pm.

I suppose ever since that really nasty event (which I do take partial credit for, which I'd rather not get into too much detail over ...now at least...), I've had a very terrifying time watching February 14th creep onto my calendar.

This year will be like all the others though...I will not have a date, I will not get flowers, I will not get chocolates and I will not get a romantic dinner with someone I love. I will inevitably be forced to watch my co-workers get flowers, eat their chocolates and discuss great dinner plans around the water cooler.

I almost feel a strange sort of acceptance about this though. Although my heart flutters and my squint in anger when I look at the calendar, I know that I'll get an "I love you" telephone call from Alena, I know that Akiko will send me an e-card with something crazy on it, my dad will inevitably get me a really thoughtful Hallmark item and the day will pass, like the worst of everything always does.

Another Good Night

I think maybe Brandon has a girlfriend that I'm not being informed about. Should I ask? Does it matter at this point or only if we do "stuff"?
He keeps insisting that we hang out away from his place. I have yet to even see it! Perhaps I'm just being paranoid...I do that. I asked him about it tonight and he said that he had a project he was working on in the living room so the house was a mess.
We went out to Miyagi, it was good. Then we watched the American Idol try outs, it was HILARIOUS!
Brandon has a new fear that came from his last relationship. Poor guy! It's a bad one and most girls wouldn't notice, but I've been around long enough to know him before and after.