Climbing

I went today out at Consumnes River Gorge. It was awesome!! It completely kicked ass. There were a few things to consider though...
1 - (In case you didn't know or remember) I'm terrified of heights;
2 - I almost died on at least 2 occasions.
Anyway, the climbing was great, the group rocked, the weather was amazing...! I feel like I'm in pretty good shape but though rocks sure kicked a good one. I'm a bit scratched up but nothing to whine about. I'm also a bit sunburned even though I wore plenty of sunscreen. Oh well...
After top roping we took on some good bouldering and went down to the river. The water was rushing white and stunning. The rocks were in the shade where we went and there nice and cool (of course the water was freezing but refreshing). We had to boulder our way back up and that took a bit more muscle but somehow seemed easier.
On our ride back down from the gorge we stopped at a little market to grab ice cream and cold drinks. It was comical because the building was made of these large rocks so Brad and Ryan went "buildering" (hahaha, new word of the day).
Adventures come highly recommended in my book...so get out there and live!

Perhaps the Coolest T-Shirt Made in 2008

Thinking About This Song

I've been thinking about this song...I love it...it's so meaningful and I get it...here's the song (you all should know it):

Something In the Way She Moves
There's something in the way she moves,
Or looks my way, or calls my name,
That seems to leave this troubled world behind.
If I'm feeling down and blue,
Or troubled by some foolish game,
She always seems to make me change my mind.
She has the power to go where no one else can find me,
Yes, and to silently remind me
Of the happiness and good times that I know, you know.
Well I said I just got to know that:It isn't what she's got to say
Or how she thinks or where she's been.
To me, the words are nice, the way they sound.
I like to hear them best that way -It doesn't much matter what they mean.

Damn Little Girls

I'm feeling bitter, bitter towards those damn adorable little girls that stand around town in their cute little green uniforms and smile at you. Yes, I'm angry at Girl Scouts!! I bought 1 box of the new cinnamon cookies and now I'm more than addicted. They are absolutely divine. My box is almost empty and all I can think about is finding a troop of girls that I can get more from. I swear they laced these cookies with cocaine.

It's Coming!!!

So, here's the deal with that big change I was talking about...

I'm being offered a really cool opportunity. I'm being offered the chance to spend the summer in Maine, on the beach, teaching adults to read. The program is focused on increasing adult literacy and it's through a non-profit group. It sounds like such a great fit for me. Look at some of these places I'm considering...

I forsee Chewy and me hanging out on the water during the day and reading on the porch late into the night. I suppose my last break up really gave me wings. It taught me that I have to live life in my own fashion if I'm to be happy. If I give in to some thing that isn't 110% me, then it means I'm hurting myself. One thing that I really didn't realize at the time was that I was so jealous of him, so flippin' jealous! He had a freedom of self that I am just now getting to. I'm excited to be at this place and can say that I'm not jealous of him now. Because, I realize that the only thing holding me back, was myself.

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Crush boy was adorable today! We sat around talking for a while and shared a piece of gum. Instead of thinking like I use to and worrying about if he was someone I would marry or someone I would want to have kids with...I'm actually considering trying him out and just seeing what happens!!! WOW! A whole new concept...who would have thought that I could take any relationship one day at a time. Although I am leaving the state in a matter of days...weeks...a month...hahaha...so I suppose this is really the best path. I'm feeling blessed!

Roll Call

Cameron's band is playing downtown tonight. I'm going, are you? It should be hot, wild and things may even get a little wet...ohhhh yeaaaaaahhhh.

It's a Step with No Door

So tonight I did what I always do when alone or scared - I went and hung out with Brandon. He was house sitting for his sister...shortly after Brandon and I met five years ago, he moved into this house with his grandfather who was severely ill (old age). When his grandfather died a year and a half ago, his sister bought the house and moved in with her husband and two kids. Of course Brandon moved out at that time and I hadn't been in the house since. BUT WOW! His sister really did an amazing job at fixing up the place. The family knocked down walls, re-did the flooring, painted, and more. It looks stunning now, modern!

Anyway, Brandon and I hung out and it was nice. Mind you, when I was dating the Beaver and then the other Brian - I didn't see Brandon at all. I didn't want to make either one worry (although I'll admit telling the other Brian that I was still hanging out with Brandon. After some thought and debate, I decided that I did that because he got to hang out with girls who liked him and didn't care about my feelings so I felt that it would make me feel better to do the same - it didn't...but that's another story...). So, Brandon and I watched a few movies, I got to see Beau (the most adorable senior dog). We had a good time. There was a lot of quiet time where we were just sitting around and enjoying each others company. During these quiet moments I realized that there is a lot about him that I need to recognize and consider.

First - Brandon has been important in my life because he puts me in line. When I say something stupid or act in a way he doesn't like - he doesn't put up with it. He calls me on it and stands firm. He needs absolutely nothing from me and this is a comfort to me. I need this in my life every once in a while.

Second - It isn't that Brandon makes me feel great about myself, it's that I only spend time around him when I need a boost and am really working at making myself feel good. He just happens to be there.

Third - It took five years but I am comfortable around him. He may be one of the few guys who I'm attracted to and still able to be around without feeling scared, nervous, or afraid.

When I'm with him I don't feel like I have to work on anything. I don't have to cuddle if I don't want to and he isn't going to try to make me. I don't have to pretend to be interested in something if I'm not, he doesn't care. His self confidence is contagious and it feels good.

Mind you, while I'm hanging out with him my phone rang like no tomorrow...when I left his place, I had messages from Beaver, Mandy, Fernando and Mom. Glory!

The Sweetest Things

Some guys know the best lines...I really liked this one, it made me melt - "As long as it's talking with you, talking of the weather will do."

I'll admit that I've come up with a few lines, but that's okay. I used "You're my fantasy" once. What lines have you used or heard? What's your favorite?

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Converstaional moment of the day:
"What's going on here?"
"I don't know..."
"I feel like maybe you're into me but your just confused...'cause I could be into you if I thought maybe you were into me. You know? As long as you just say it."

I Think I'll Go Hide Under a Rock Now...thanks

Go ahead, ask how auditions went today. I dare you!!! I went in with a song I'd never done before and had only been in practice with for one week...and I completely fell flat on my face. I missed my fifth note and then got scared and nervous and totally forgot the entire second stanza...IDIOT!!!
They asked me to come to call backs and I'm thinking...no...it was almost a joke that they even asked. I know that I did bad, I know that they can't possibly want to see me do that again...I don't think I'll go to call backs. Instead, I'm gonna go crawl under the rock over there...
Besides, the only reason I can see even asking me to call backs is because they want to cast me in the show because they need people who are okay with the whole nudity thing. Sure I'll get naked on stage, but this go round...I think I want a cast and crew that hasn't seen me flop!

Seriously, if I had a video camera I would have to share it will everyone - it was the worst thing you could all imagine...hahaha...it was so bad that I can't help but laugh!

Theater

My auditions are on Saturday and I'm starting to get excited!!! My song is coming along great, I know that I'll nail the dancing portion of the try outs and...then...well...did I mention that there's nudity? Well, that's okay too because I look fuckin' hot right now!!! This morning I was thinking out loud about what wonders all this exercise is doing, my whole body is toned, I can stand straight up and down and I look flat! SHOCKING!
Anyway, if I get it, everyone must come see me parade around the stage nude! Hahaha! Except my parents who laughed at me when I told them about this show. My mother thinks it will be a fun experience (of course) but she wants nothing to do with it. Ha! Go figure...I'm completely fine with that.

Behind Closed Eyes

When you're in a room with other people and you close your eyes for a few minutes...what do you see? What do you feel?

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On a different note, I miss theater! So...I'm preparing to audition for a new show! Yes, after nearly a two year hiatis I am returning to the world of song and dance!

Romance

Went on a date today...and I think I'm going to stop dating and just go out with new guys as friends. My heart just isn't in the whole dating thing.
This new guy was very kind, interesting and all that which isn't everything any more. I want a guy who I can trust, something that is going to have to grow and take time. I'm not sure that I'm ready to devote that time to someone right now...so, I won't.
I want someone who understands that at my core, I'm just a girl. I love being spoiled and treated like a queen. I want a guy who just wants to cuddle, talk and shower me in kisses. Ha! I'm strong and I have a personality but I also have this softness in me that doesn't get nutured enough. I want romance, true, candle-light nights, ROMANCE.

An Old Favorite

Since returning from Cottey I have not partaken in an old favorite of mine. I enjoy reading in public...ha!
At Cottey I would go up the hill to the lake, lay out a blanket and read with the swans and ducks roaming around me. It was some of the most productive studying I ever accomplished. Today, I went down to the tea shop by my place, took out a book, sat in the sun and enjoyed myself. I felt it was a productive morning and yet it was so relaxing and simple. How could I have ignored this favorite of mine? It felt great, the sun warming the back of my neck and a decent (not entirely good) book.

My Likes and Dislikes

I don't always accurately express my likes and dislikes. For example, sometimes I'll ask a question or sometimes I'll present an opposite opinion - it doesn't mean that's what I like. It means that I want you to tell me more, to tell me why that other opinion isn't valid...I want to learn from your thoughts and your thought process.
Another thing is that I feel a distinct need to pull away from anything that is "atypical" or "popular." This includes The Beatles, guitar, publishing and non-productive hobbies like painting, photography, creative writing...I like all those things I just get frustrated at the idea that I'm like everyone else and so I try to pull away and dislike those things. I like The Beatles! I love them in fact, I have a t-shirt with them on it and yet today I cringed when someone said their name...then I stopped and thought - no, I like that, I don't understand my own reaction there but it's not accurate. I also thought about how uncomfortable guitar's make me. Someone sitting around playing their guitar makes me on edge. It's so typical, it's so average and yet...I like it! In fact, the very first guy I ever really "fell" for was a bass player, so was the second and the third. Those weren't bad experiences...I'm just not representing my feelings currently here either.

I need to focus on expressing what I actually feelt. I need to work on accepting my dislikes and lkes independent of others. I don't care if it's common so why do I react? Something in me tells me to be different and not agree...am I afraid of being lost in the crowd? Me...of all people...hahaha!

From here on out, no more uncomfortable feelings about things I ligitmately like. I'm going to embrace them with open arms!! I need to start focusing on telling the truth to myself and taking that with openness.

So...Matt is playing in town this week and next. I've got a personal connect...so anyone who wants to go see him, let me know and you're in. Or you can just come hang out with a group of us and if we get lucky we may be able to convince him to play...hehehe...I think we'll get lucky, we normally do.