Another Fit

The monthly fit has starting to feel normal. He threw his fit yesterday, almost right on schedule...and instead of taking it to heart and feeling like shit - I've given up. He needs drama in his life. I get that. He hasn't learned how to live in the moment - he can't just accept the life that he has. I guess that comes from a lot of different places - low self-esteem, scary past and scary future. Rather than sucking it up, getting the help he needs and learning that living in the present isn't all that bad - he continues with this monthly circle.

He needs help. I love him and I want to support him but I can't help him in the ways that he needs. I'm having a hard time even making the effort with him anymore. How can I take anything he gets upset about seriously when I know that he wont deal with the real issues? He needs to deal with his past - his family issues (which he has created since his family really doesn't hate him like he thinks), his military experiences (which he seems to pretend never happened and yet holds extreme emotions - which only come out when you mention certain things), and his self-esteem issues (which I think will heal themselves if he fixes the other areas of his life). He depends on me to create his own image and that's just not healthy.

Since he's started this fit I've realized that I can use these monthly moments to catch up on the things I give up during the remainder of the month for him. I called up the friends who's phone calls I hadn't returned. I set up a dinner date with a gal pal I haven't had enough time for. I finished a good book.

The Monthly Dumping

Dumped again...one month and three days to the date of the last one.
Do you ever wish that someone could literally see and feel things from your perspective? I've been through various things and I don't think I've ever really wanted that. Right now - I do. My boyfriend is mad at me for something I didn't do. If I could just pull up deleted texts I could prove it. If I could just cave and call Beth I would...and yet...I feel like it wouldn't matter. He's made up his mind and he needs to do his monthly thing. I just wish he could see things from my eyes, I wish he could feel my love for him, my pain when he does this each time and the way that I feel in the middle of the month when I'm just waiting for this to happen again and again. I keep giving my heart and waiting to be hurt...yet each time he breaks it, I have to wonder if it grows a little smaller.
As I do, I called Brian to see what he thinks I should do. Of course his first response when I said that my boyfriend was upset because he thought I texted Brandon was "How com I'm ok but not the other?" So Brian! Then he said "Of course he's throwing a fit. Guys do that when it comes to exes." When I asked if I should just cave and call Beth, he said that I need to really think about it. Yes it's not a good thing to cave but..."As a friend I'm saying you can be very difficult." Lol! I know that and Brian's brutal honesty with me is always very refreshing. He tells it like it is. I need that sometimes. Although the only that Brian really made me aware of was the fact that I'm being to idealistic if I really expect my boyfriend to trust me. Apparently, guys just don't do that.
The worst part is that I completely trust Steve. He could go out to dinner with an ex and so long as he told me what was up and came home to me afterwards I could deal with it. I don't think I've ever felt this type of trust before but this is the first relationship I've been in since my diagnosis and since I've started really working at being health and only being in healthy relationships. Is it true that they say only cheaters get worried that you're cheating?? I sure hope not because I'm putting my 100% into believing that Steve is faithful and I refuse to let that be shaken unless he says so out of his own mouth.

Fairytale

I met the love of my life once...and he was tall and handsome. He flew in on his poly bag and swept me off my feet. And we lived happily ever after.

Or I could be realistic and say that I met the love of my life once and it turned out he was really the ugly witch in disguise. As you know, I've been dating and it's been intense and amazing. But for the last week or so, that amazing-ness went away. He became cold and edgy. Although his body was physically there and I felt safe and happy in his arms, the passionate love that I once felt wasn't from his body - it was from his mind and his heart. So although I fought to think that I had what I wanted for the last week...I finally came to decide today that things weren't going to change and that the body snatchers had actually snatched the body of my beloved. It's ironic the intense sci-fi episode that occurred but I'm sure I'm not the only girl who's worn these shoes.

To be more plan - the guy I fell for quit listening and communicating effectively. He shut off his heart and his mind. My guy, that guy who made me feel warm and fuzzy, would appear in short waves each day to remind me of all I want and deserve and yet...ever night, the monster would come out again and I'd find myself with him physically but so emotionally alone. It just happened that today I cracked, I wanted a hug, I wanted to tell my day and hear his, I wanted to share all the moments we missed out on with each other...but I once again - found myself alone and I cracked.

Yes, I'm one step closer to happily ever after, but it sure hurts to know that in some shape and form I had the love of my life...even if only for a few days.

Lindy's Landing

Spent the weekend on a road trip. Went to Lindy's Landing on the Kings River last night. I'm a bit hungover from the experience. It was a good time. Staci and I met up with some strangers and sat around a campfire til way past my bed time. All the while, my boyfriend was hanging out with his ex. It wouldn't be a big deal but he has a way of saying things and doing things that hurt far more than they should. Originally last night he said he had told her that if she wanted to talk they could do it over the phone. Then about a half hour later he tells me he's meeting up with her. It's like he makes me feel so happy and proud to be with him and then he does a total 180 and leaves me feeling completely sunk.

I feel so stuck with him. Not stuck like I don't wanna be with him, but stuck like I can't feel things correctly with him, like he won't let me. Every time I start to think that this is it...the last guy I'll ever date and the guy I'll get my happily ever after with - he throws me under the train tracks. I wish I could say that it doesn't hurt, but it does. We've been together for just over three months and he's dumped me three times. How is it that I'm able to feel anything for someone who has no regard for me and can walk in and out of my life so easily? It's so frustrating because I want to be with him so badly and yet I'm not happy committing to someone who can't keep their feet on the ground. I need a rock, I need someone who loves me and is so firm in their feelings that no matter what I do or say they continue to feel that way. I don't need someone who doesn't tell me that they love me simply because I haven't said it to them. I need someone who knows their own feelings regardless of mine and is strong enough to stand by them.

I know that I get a little closer to that wonderful carriage ride into the sunset ever time I find someone new but...what happens when you want it but the other person can't give you that?

Unexpected and Unwanted

*(&! (*&! (*&! He's so wonderful. We went out last night and I drank WAY too much, ended up puking in the street. He stayed with me all night and even wanted to kiss me in the morning. SO I'm just getting into bed and who texts me? ---Brandon! My life is @&#(ed up! Brandon is being replaced and that's scary for me.

Adjusting to Reality

I realized that I needed to suck it up. I shouldn't be with my guy every minute, it's not normal. So, I told him today how I felt - how when I don't see him often I get frustrated. He was extremely receptive. It sure was nice to finally have someone I'm with acknowledge my feelings! I'm scared, am I really ready to try this again?

Enough

I'm dating someone new. He gives me a billion compliments and I like that. We've only been dating for less than a week but I feel like it's not enough. Is it taht I don't think he's enough or that I just want to rush trhough this phase into one that's more fulfulling? I'm getting frustrated because I can't figure it out - and of course when I'm upset I take it out on the dude. I'm sure he'll run soon - no one is ever strong enough to help me figure this out.

Returning to the Scene of the Crime

Call it what you will but, I'm dating someone. We talked and we both agreed that we wanna give it a try. BARF! Talk about nervous. I don't do this well. I don't date. We all know what happened the last time I dated someone. Although in the long run I'm very happy that I ended up where I did - the short term was something I'm not able to handle again. Dating isn't my thing and this can only end badly but I suppose I'm returning to the scene of the crime for another look.

Contemplations From the Other Side

I'm going to start dating again - maybe - someday! :) Ha!
Anyway, when I do, I'm going to start taking notes. The metaphor was used recently that for normal people, dating is the process of writing a report. Unforunately for me, dating has been an experiment and I haven't even bothered to take lab notes. Ha! Moving forward I'm going to at least try to take lab notes.

Many Levels of Growth

I had a great day! I learned some really amazing stuff about good manangement and leadership today. I had the priviledge of getting to work with Lee Scott of Unleashing Leaders. Everything he said seemed to new to me and yet it all hit the nail on the head. Amazing!

On a different note, I made a good stride in my personal life...I've been playing around with this guy and today I realized - hey..."he's just not that into me" and I've decided that I should probably ditch that and go find someone who actually gives a rat. WOW! I've never been able to do that, I've never been that girl, and yet - I am that girl, I am doing it and it feels like something I should have done a long time ago.

Listening

The idea of listening to my heart is rather complicated and scary. At first I thought, well that's just silly - I don't have a heart. Now I'm starting to realize that my heart and my head talk at once and figuring out the answer is the hard part.
Well, to my perplexing dilemma as of late...I have heard the answer and must must must must must trust my heart and move forward with me. It will be tough, it will be painful, slow and scary but what comes out on the other side is still whole and still very much me.

B I N G O

At a party on Friday I met a great sparing partner. He seemed to have incredible insight and totally blew my mind to tiny bits on subjects such as Stan, Brandon, and ... others... Although I didn't reflect on his comments immediately (too drunk) or the next day (still too drunk), I did generically start thinking about things and I have figured something out. I need to perform men assessments before progressing with guys. What does that mean? It means that upon meeting a guy of interest I need to step back and take the time to ask him:
1. What are you expecting to get out of this?
2. How long are you gonna be interested in keeping me around?
3. What will happen if either of these changes?
This man assessment sure would make my mind a little more clear.
As for question 1: Example, are you looking for a relationship? a friend? something in the middle? Knowing this up front helps me to assess if I'm interested in the same goal or not.
As for question 2: Example, a guy likes me but I'm not sure if I like him or if I just like making out with him. I toy with myself as to whether I like him or not. I can't figure it out and in my head I keep saying no it's just make out, no, no (a mental process I use to try and make myself not like...umm...most all guys) he loses interest. Then the question is, was it because I wasn't interested? It's believed that this happened recently and my reaction is...simply...grrrr...I'm frustrated with myself for not knowing myself better and expressing that early on. As for question 3: I need to ask this upfront so that I can left that I don't get it guard down. Normally I spend way too much time trying to get "hints" that aren't even there most of the time. Well, if I know that he's going to be honest with me and upfront, I can work on letting myself trust that. I just struggle because I'm extremely honest and when I'm not interested I make it clear and I'm more than happy to say why. Where as most men make excuses and this simply confuses the shit out of me.

Anyway, the assessment should be put into place. Whether it is or not, we'll just have to see...

Perplexing Situtation Solved

I spent last night with Cinnamon who solved my many confusions. Ha!
Apparently, I am in fact ready for a relationship...it just has to be the right one and on my terms. I've gotten pushed around too much for me to feel confident that I can do it again. Ultimately it comes down to that very dirty T word, trust. I have to start trusting in myself more and taking the time to see what it is I want, really want, not just what I say I want at that moment.

As for my confusion over him...well, why fix what's not broken? Great advice right. For some reason I really started to think that maybe I should step up to the plate and make a go at a relationship with him. Cinnamon steered me clear of that. She reminded me that yes, he does in fact keep me sane, not the opposite and for some reason when my mind starts spinning, he's the place that stops it.
Strangely he came over last night and we had a beer. Just hung out and had a drink, chatted it up. It was a little nerve wracking for me since it made me start thinking that maybe we were ready to give a relationship a go. After all, this was more effort than either of us had ever thrown in before. Yet, the ground has been found and I'm okay with where things are, in fact I like them enough to keep them that way.

Perplexed

I have got to figure some shit out!! I've been toying with this problem for a few weeks now. The new guy is fine (technically speaking)...but I don't feel like I'm getting good quality or what I want ultimately. I think that's because I've been spoiled by...HIM! Do I dare go backwards? The Wise One told me absolutely not...but he keeps me sane. Or is he the reason I'm not sane to begin with...hahaha!
We talked recently and he said we don't really have a friendship. I've been thinking a lot about this. It's been five years, I suppose...good years even, we're going on six years this month. Ha! I have to laugh at the fact that we met by such random chance and the friend who introduced us is long gone but we've managed to stay just as close. I've kinda set the standard based on him (at least in part or maybe more than part) and now I'm starting to wondering if maybe...just maybe...I don't even wanna write it, writing it - like saying it, makes it real. My gut is totally in my stomach...do you ever toy with yourself, do it, don't do it, do it...DON'T DO IT!
I think we're both just so much alike that it's a problem. We're both totally fucked up and we aren't meant to be in relationships. Ha! I just wonder if after six years we ought to try something, something real...and yet....I don't want to because what we have is something that I don't want to lose. Is that what he's dealing with too? Besides it's all fun right now and would it be fun if we felt trapped? Certainly not.
But I keep coming back to the six years factor. We've seen each other through a lot, the death of family members, our vast random "relationships" or non-relationships as we call them, moves, jobs, hobbies, and overall growth. We do have a friendship!!! Aha! I have found the light! Now what? Nothing, now I close the writing page and get back to the routine...new guy, old guy, friends, friends, friends.

Ventures

Went out with a new guy last night...I had an okay night, could have been better, could have been worse...it's to be determined...holds much potential.



Work is getting rough. I need to find a new job. My boss is getting more and more aggressive. She blew up today at me and I'm not sure how much longer I can just sit there and take it. It really has an effect on my whole day. I felt so drained of all emotion and ready to just cry...even now...when I've been out of work for nearly five hours, I can't stop thinking about work because it's so intense when I'm there. That's not acceptable!



On a different note, my Grandma is starting to lose her hair. It's hard for me to see her like this. She's always been so strong and she's still being strong, it just hurts my heart. She absolutely must make it through this, she holds so much of my heart.

Needs

What am I looking for? That determines the standards. Am I looking for something long term or short? If long, what is it taht has lacked in all my relationships? There's a piece I don't now how to idenfity...
Short term, for some reason seems to be...not enough. Although my goals are much more clearly defined. No in order but certainly:
1. Must have a job
2. Must not live with parents
3. Must be smart and able to carry a conversation
4. Must be outgoing and goal oriented
5. Must be willing to accept my family and respect the value they bring to my life
6. Must respect me!! (you know - return phone calls in a timely manner, include me in outtings and activities, want to spend time around me, make a effort at making me happy)

That Famous Word: Integrity

I've been told time and time again that I have great integrity...at first I didn't understand much about this word, of course I looked it up...and I decided that I still don't think I really understand it.

Right now, I'm struggling with integrity in dating. What is my personal moral feeling when dating? What do I consider acceptable and not (both for myself and the other party)?

I've been "dating" (mind you I hate dating so I'm not really calling it that) this individual who officially makes me feel sick to my stomach over myself. I know that I'm not whole and I'm working very hard to establish a sense of completeness in my life. I'm learning what it means to grow spiritually and to find balance. This individual exhibited EXTREME integrity last night. To which...I can only question my own. Do I have any integrity in dating? Is that why I hate dating? How or where do I begin to examine this within myself? It's a very large concept for me and I'm not sure what I truly believe to be right/moral. I guess that actual question is where do I start to look for answers and understanding when it comes to integrity in dating? I suppose Border's Book store is fine place...the more I read about how others feel, the more I can find myself either agreeing or disagreeing and coming to my own conclusions. I certainly need a conclusion right now as I feel like a terrible person not having any integrity in this area. I've dated far too long without it!

Issues

I have issues...hehehehe...

First issue, I'm on the job market again. I have a hard time settling for anything less than perfection and this would be that sort of situation. I want a place where I go to work every morning excited to be there. Excited over the events of the day and feeling confident that I'm making a difference.

Second issue, I have a problem dating. A big problem. I fall head over heels for an individuals personality but just can't bring myself to be physically attracted to them...does this happen to anyone else? It results in me cycling back to the same set of two guys who I am actually attracted to, over and over, over and over...and eventually having to cut off my "friendships" with the others because I get to the point where I can't even look at them. WTF?

Third issue, caring. I just don't give a rats about most male "friends" (you know, the playboy bunny type). I can't bring myself to put in the effort. I seem to only be able to stick with the "fun while it lasts" mentality and that drives them running fast...but I'm okay with it...I'm not sure I should be...hahahah. Shouldn't I want a long term relationship? Shouldn't I want something more? If so, then what the heck...

Fourth, trust. The typical topic that people like to discuss about me. I have trust issues. I know that. I don't know why, I'm getting better...but I can't trust people easily. I guess I have no reason to trust someone until proven otherwise. Does that even make sense? I guess that could be why I'm good at these quick little attempts at multiple relationships at once...but the commitement thing...I haven't done that in eight months now and I'm not even interested in doing it again. Again...shouldn't I be?

I guess the actual underlying issue is that I don't care enough about things I should...hahahaha!

Life is Good

Things feel good today...I'm excited about moving into my new place, I'm feeling like I'm learning (constantly), my job can only go up (hahahah), my friends rock, life...rocks!
There was a slight attempt at roommate drama from S. the roommate who hasn't moved in yet, but it all worked out and things are calm. I'm all about calm these days. I don't need the drama and neither do you!
Speaking of hilarious drama, I went on a date with John and...he's DRAMA. I'm just glad to say that I can now identify such drama and walk away...or at least take a slow stroll in the opposite direction...hahaha!

I HATE Dating

I hate dating. I hate everything about it. Every new person who comes into your life you have to start all over again. You have to start at the beginning and take it slow, you have to figure out if they are even worthy of friendship and then what? Grrr...I've decided maybe I should be single. I mean, after all...is it really worth it?
I've been getting frustrated with this guy that I've been actively pursuing who seems...on the fence I guess. I mean he returns my calls and seems to be a little interested but when it comes right down to it, he also seems to have no interest. He's got me 110% confused and that is not a place I like to be. So what do I do? I turn to Brandon, my resting place of course.
Although I think he may have a girlfriend again. I mean last night when I was over at his house, I needed to shower as I just got back from the gym. So I hopped in there an there's a pink razor and I notice two toothbrushes. WTF? I didn't ask, I guess I really don't wanna know. If I don't know, does that still make me a bad person?
Then of course Turi, Turi asked me to go a blind double date with her...I passed. I just can't date any more right now. I need a LONG break from it all!