Another Fit

The monthly fit has starting to feel normal. He threw his fit yesterday, almost right on schedule...and instead of taking it to heart and feeling like shit - I've given up. He needs drama in his life. I get that. He hasn't learned how to live in the moment - he can't just accept the life that he has. I guess that comes from a lot of different places - low self-esteem, scary past and scary future. Rather than sucking it up, getting the help he needs and learning that living in the present isn't all that bad - he continues with this monthly circle.

He needs help. I love him and I want to support him but I can't help him in the ways that he needs. I'm having a hard time even making the effort with him anymore. How can I take anything he gets upset about seriously when I know that he wont deal with the real issues? He needs to deal with his past - his family issues (which he has created since his family really doesn't hate him like he thinks), his military experiences (which he seems to pretend never happened and yet holds extreme emotions - which only come out when you mention certain things), and his self-esteem issues (which I think will heal themselves if he fixes the other areas of his life). He depends on me to create his own image and that's just not healthy.

Since he's started this fit I've realized that I can use these monthly moments to catch up on the things I give up during the remainder of the month for him. I called up the friends who's phone calls I hadn't returned. I set up a dinner date with a gal pal I haven't had enough time for. I finished a good book.

Angry

I'm angry at Brandon for coming back when he wasn't ready to really come back. Remember when he went through the whole "I need some time alone" line. Well then he got a girlfriend. Then he came back even though he had a girlfriend, now he's gone again...in less than three weeks. It makes me angry that he thinks he can show up and go away so easily. Next time he surfaces, I'm not so sure I'm gonna be available. I'm rather frustrated at the whole situation.

The Little Moments

We must always remember to cherish those little moments. Those moments are different for everyone. Today I want to remind myself of a few:
Spending time with my Grandma in chemo
Listening to my nephew tell me about school
Knowing that my mom and dad fully believe in me

Some days you absolutely have to take those moments and hold them tight. Today I worked with a group of 38 middle school students. It was rough, really rough for me. I don't have the patience that I once did. I get frustrated rather easily by children I know aren't being themselves and are trying too hard. Being that I spent 7 hours with these youngsters, my mood for the day was pretty much shot. Then I got a phone call that really bothered me.
My old boss is protesting my unemployment. She is claiming that I was dishonest and a distraction to other employees. I knew she was going to protest the unemployment, she had said she was going to, but it just feels low...even for her. So at the end of a rather rough day, I was more than irked to know that this was going on too.

So, although I have all this boiling up stress - I can remember these great moments and hold them close enough to help me get through another battle and come out stronger.