God in Pieces

We all have this time piece of ourselves that is bridged with God. This time piece of life that knows what's right, what's wrong and what's needed to make us who we are. I had a reminded over the last week of just how real this piece of God is. I'm amazed at the ways that he shows through and left breathless when I think about it.
How is it that we can all go around day after day like we do and then all of sudden, that little connection within us comes out? I have always been very aware of the God within me; however, I've never realized the God that exists in others. It's as if people are the pieces to a puzzle that as a whole makes up God.

Moments of Fullness

I feel such love for Steve that I have to stand back and look at how far I've come. I've never made an effort. He's the first guy who has come into my life where I feel that making an effort is worth it. Although, 90% of the time there isn't an effort required. I wish that he could see himself through my eyes for a minute, just a short amount of time. He's such a warm and loving person that I feel lucky to have him in my life. I don't know anyone like him. He's a million things I can't describe. I know that he is always afraid of losing me. Whether it be to someone else or to nothing at all. What he doesn't realize is that he's the only one who could lose me...I'm not going anywhere so long as he's Steve.

A Journey

Life is a journey, that's for sure. I have learned so much thus far and it's scary and exciting to think of all the things I will learn moving forward.



Steve is gone for five days and although I'm happy for him and exciting that he's getting this time for himself...I miss him. I have never loved anyone as much as I love him. He is this amazing guy. Sure he makes his mistakes but I'm not easy to deal with and he tolerates the good and bad in me. I have never felt the need to be so loyal in my life. I've always had people who come and go and aren't really committeed to me. Now I've got Steve and he's as devoted to me as I am to him. Yes we both have our insecurities as we're both damaged goods...but at least we're in the compost pile together.

Another Fit

The monthly fit has starting to feel normal. He threw his fit yesterday, almost right on schedule...and instead of taking it to heart and feeling like shit - I've given up. He needs drama in his life. I get that. He hasn't learned how to live in the moment - he can't just accept the life that he has. I guess that comes from a lot of different places - low self-esteem, scary past and scary future. Rather than sucking it up, getting the help he needs and learning that living in the present isn't all that bad - he continues with this monthly circle.

He needs help. I love him and I want to support him but I can't help him in the ways that he needs. I'm having a hard time even making the effort with him anymore. How can I take anything he gets upset about seriously when I know that he wont deal with the real issues? He needs to deal with his past - his family issues (which he has created since his family really doesn't hate him like he thinks), his military experiences (which he seems to pretend never happened and yet holds extreme emotions - which only come out when you mention certain things), and his self-esteem issues (which I think will heal themselves if he fixes the other areas of his life). He depends on me to create his own image and that's just not healthy.

Since he's started this fit I've realized that I can use these monthly moments to catch up on the things I give up during the remainder of the month for him. I called up the friends who's phone calls I hadn't returned. I set up a dinner date with a gal pal I haven't had enough time for. I finished a good book.

Pinch Me

Yes work may suck but Steve is amazing.

Last night after a long day of fighting people I came home to rose petals, candles, a great meal and a bubble bath. What girl could ask for more? It was this totally enchanting thing - something you'd see on a movie. I wish I could write more and describe it but it was simply wordless and breath taking. If anything - I'm spoiled!

Ghost of Boyfriends Past

Have you ever been cheated on? For the last seven years I believed whole heartedly that I had been. When it had first happened, I was devistated and felt like the world had ended. Eventually, Fernando and I agreed that we could move past it. The thing was, I couldn't. I continued to internally hate him for what I thought he had done to me. I ruined us slowly, as a way of hating him and as a way of hating myself for what had happened.
Back to modern day. My boyfriend was texting his ex and when I asked about it...he lied. Why? Why do you think? The situation screams cheater. But...the issue isn't him. The issue is me and that fact that I absolutely can't deal with lying.
I have worked very hard on my overall health and feeling healthy from the inside out. Although I've always know that the Fernando situation had taken a very big toll on my ability to trust whole-hearted. I thought I was making great steps towards building a relationships that was honest, strong and healthy. After this little incident I realized that I have a lot of personal healing left to do. A little lie (as I keep telling myself it was...and it may very well have been), has brought up some very tough and old scars that although I don't want to deal with...I know that I am finally at a point in my life that I am ready to deal with them.
Oh, and I did I mention that Fernando never actually cheated on me.

The Monthly Dumping

Dumped again...one month and three days to the date of the last one.
Do you ever wish that someone could literally see and feel things from your perspective? I've been through various things and I don't think I've ever really wanted that. Right now - I do. My boyfriend is mad at me for something I didn't do. If I could just pull up deleted texts I could prove it. If I could just cave and call Beth I would...and yet...I feel like it wouldn't matter. He's made up his mind and he needs to do his monthly thing. I just wish he could see things from my eyes, I wish he could feel my love for him, my pain when he does this each time and the way that I feel in the middle of the month when I'm just waiting for this to happen again and again. I keep giving my heart and waiting to be hurt...yet each time he breaks it, I have to wonder if it grows a little smaller.
As I do, I called Brian to see what he thinks I should do. Of course his first response when I said that my boyfriend was upset because he thought I texted Brandon was "How com I'm ok but not the other?" So Brian! Then he said "Of course he's throwing a fit. Guys do that when it comes to exes." When I asked if I should just cave and call Beth, he said that I need to really think about it. Yes it's not a good thing to cave but..."As a friend I'm saying you can be very difficult." Lol! I know that and Brian's brutal honesty with me is always very refreshing. He tells it like it is. I need that sometimes. Although the only that Brian really made me aware of was the fact that I'm being to idealistic if I really expect my boyfriend to trust me. Apparently, guys just don't do that.
The worst part is that I completely trust Steve. He could go out to dinner with an ex and so long as he told me what was up and came home to me afterwards I could deal with it. I don't think I've ever felt this type of trust before but this is the first relationship I've been in since my diagnosis and since I've started really working at being health and only being in healthy relationships. Is it true that they say only cheaters get worried that you're cheating?? I sure hope not because I'm putting my 100% into believing that Steve is faithful and I refuse to let that be shaken unless he says so out of his own mouth.

Filled with Memories and Emotions

It's 7:30pm and my bags are finally packed for Monterey. I'm sitting here at my computer in pjs with flip flops and wet hair crying. Crying a lot these days I suppose. I'm crying for a lot of reasons too. I'm crying because I want this trip to rekindle what I once had with my boyfriend - who at this moment isn't even sure he wants to go...but I'm crying more because this will probably be my last trip with my Grandma.
Every summer for as long as I can remember my grandparents would take me to the coast with them. We would spend the week sightseeing, eating out and watching the waves come in. Last year in Monterey we got the news that Grandma had cancer and we called our trip short. This year we're returning and going to make the most of it...yet it's harder this time because the cancer is so much more real. Grandma doesn't have hair anymore and although her spirits are high, she tires easily...I'm scared...very scared right now about making this trip the most I can.

Fairytale

I met the love of my life once...and he was tall and handsome. He flew in on his poly bag and swept me off my feet. And we lived happily ever after.

Or I could be realistic and say that I met the love of my life once and it turned out he was really the ugly witch in disguise. As you know, I've been dating and it's been intense and amazing. But for the last week or so, that amazing-ness went away. He became cold and edgy. Although his body was physically there and I felt safe and happy in his arms, the passionate love that I once felt wasn't from his body - it was from his mind and his heart. So although I fought to think that I had what I wanted for the last week...I finally came to decide today that things weren't going to change and that the body snatchers had actually snatched the body of my beloved. It's ironic the intense sci-fi episode that occurred but I'm sure I'm not the only girl who's worn these shoes.

To be more plan - the guy I fell for quit listening and communicating effectively. He shut off his heart and his mind. My guy, that guy who made me feel warm and fuzzy, would appear in short waves each day to remind me of all I want and deserve and yet...ever night, the monster would come out again and I'd find myself with him physically but so emotionally alone. It just happened that today I cracked, I wanted a hug, I wanted to tell my day and hear his, I wanted to share all the moments we missed out on with each other...but I once again - found myself alone and I cracked.

Yes, I'm one step closer to happily ever after, but it sure hurts to know that in some shape and form I had the love of my life...even if only for a few days.

Lindy's Landing

Spent the weekend on a road trip. Went to Lindy's Landing on the Kings River last night. I'm a bit hungover from the experience. It was a good time. Staci and I met up with some strangers and sat around a campfire til way past my bed time. All the while, my boyfriend was hanging out with his ex. It wouldn't be a big deal but he has a way of saying things and doing things that hurt far more than they should. Originally last night he said he had told her that if she wanted to talk they could do it over the phone. Then about a half hour later he tells me he's meeting up with her. It's like he makes me feel so happy and proud to be with him and then he does a total 180 and leaves me feeling completely sunk.

I feel so stuck with him. Not stuck like I don't wanna be with him, but stuck like I can't feel things correctly with him, like he won't let me. Every time I start to think that this is it...the last guy I'll ever date and the guy I'll get my happily ever after with - he throws me under the train tracks. I wish I could say that it doesn't hurt, but it does. We've been together for just over three months and he's dumped me three times. How is it that I'm able to feel anything for someone who has no regard for me and can walk in and out of my life so easily? It's so frustrating because I want to be with him so badly and yet I'm not happy committing to someone who can't keep their feet on the ground. I need a rock, I need someone who loves me and is so firm in their feelings that no matter what I do or say they continue to feel that way. I don't need someone who doesn't tell me that they love me simply because I haven't said it to them. I need someone who knows their own feelings regardless of mine and is strong enough to stand by them.

I know that I get a little closer to that wonderful carriage ride into the sunset ever time I find someone new but...what happens when you want it but the other person can't give you that?

Male Counterpart

I have met a man who is extremely like me. It's strange how I feel like I'm looking at a mirror. He does things in his life that remind me of me...two years ago. I've changed and don't really roll like that anymore but overall - it's rather entertaining to watch someone just like me.

Trouper

My Grandmother made it through Chemo and we're all excited to say that she has only a pea-sized piece of cancer left. It's in the bone on her chest and she'll need to do 10 days of radiation to try and get rid of it, but we're all very glad that everything else has cleared up and she's definitely going to be getting better very soon! My biggest concern is with the recurrance rate on her specific type of cancer. The statistics are scary but I must say that knowing I have her for at least one more Thanksgiving, Christmas and birthday sure do make me warm inside. She's such a huge piece of me.

Although I've sworn off all contact with Brandon, I realize that he may still try to contact me. If he does I've also decided on some conditions that I need met before I'm willing to start talking with him again. I need him to:
1- Try some hobbies together (spend time with me doing fun things, things that I like - climbing, hiking, rafting and such)
2- Check out my friends (in the past he hasn't always like my friends so I'd like to introduce him to my crowd and see how he reacts - I definitely place my friends above any guy and I need to know that he's okay with them)
3- Give us a chance (I need him to actually make an attempt at something with me. No more walls for either of us. Maybe it will last a week or maybe a month but I need it to be real and I need to know that least we tried).

I've been reading some really great books lately. I love reading! When I find a good book that makes me stay up reading until 1am (like last night) when I have to wake up at 8am the next morning - that reminds me of why I decided that English was passion.

Life in Motion

My brother and his wife are going through a divorce, he filed paperwork back in April. At the time we were all very mad at him. He has four kids with this woman and wasn't making any effort at saving what they had. Unfortunately, it seems my brother made a very wise choice. My sister-in-law, Julie, was arrested on Wednesday for possession, trafficking and sale of meth.
My heart bleeds!! She's a good person at heart, she's young and hasn't had it easy. I don't think she was doing whatever it was she was doing because she's a bad person. I think either she needed money or she was trying to impress someone or was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
My brother is now filing for full custody of the children. It hurts me to think that she won't be able to see them. Julie has been a very big part of my life. She came onto the scene when I was 15 and really helped my brother to grow up. Kevin was always so immature and she helped to make him more of an adult. When Julie first got pregnant with Skyler she was 17. I had no idea just how much she would come to mean to me. She gave my family Skyler, Elizabeth, William and Ashleigh - these babies mean SO much to all of us. Being that Julie is the mother of them, she means a lot to us too. I personally have a very sincere love for her. She's been a sister to me a way. It's like we were super close but she'd call more than my brother and she's always been very approchable.
Again, my heart just aches for her. Although my brother wants full custody we all think it's still important that she gets to see them. The kids need a mom and she's not a bad person - she's just made some really poor choices. I hope this will be a wake up call for her and that she'll make the effort that is needed to change her life for the better.

Adrenaline

Had a good day, I got the privilege of spending my entire day with Peak. It was delightful. I got to climb, chat, enjoy people and places. It was rockin!!! I also got to try walking across a balance beam that was WAY up in the air. It was so intense. It's one of those things where you learn about yourself through the experiences that you take in. Intense for sure, adrenaline not in shortage, life expectancy shrinking...oh well... :)

On another note, my health has taken a turn for scary again. I have some more tests on Tuesday to figure some new stuff out but spent last night on the phone with a nurse and apparently I'm not suppose to wait til Tuesday...grr...I'm so tired of tests and feeling sick and...all of it. My mother is of course, flippin' out and trying to come stay with me, to which I simply refuse. I'm a big girl and although I love having her around, there are major issues at home that need more immediate attention - like my Grandma. It puts my mind at ease knowing that my family is there to make sure she's doing okay. Forget about me, deal with those I love because without them, I just don't know where I'd be...

Let The Poison Begin!

Today was the start of chemotherapy for my grandma. I made sure that I was able to go and meet with the doctors. Everything was fine until my grandma sat down in the chemo chair...then she started to cry and it was all over. Once she started to cry, my grandpa started to cry, then me, then my aunt...it was a total chain effect. I completely understand, she's scared - the situation is scary!
The doctor hasn't put any of us at ease either. They don't know where the cancer started so they're going to treat her like she has lung cancer. As we're told "it's extremely rare" to not find a place of origin...yet...here we are...
We're all hoping and praying and I suppose that's all we can do. Grandma is a fighter and deep within me, I know that it's all up to her. If she wants to fight this she can, if she truly doesn't think she can - then...the show is over.

Issues

I have issues...hehehehe...

First issue, I'm on the job market again. I have a hard time settling for anything less than perfection and this would be that sort of situation. I want a place where I go to work every morning excited to be there. Excited over the events of the day and feeling confident that I'm making a difference.

Second issue, I have a problem dating. A big problem. I fall head over heels for an individuals personality but just can't bring myself to be physically attracted to them...does this happen to anyone else? It results in me cycling back to the same set of two guys who I am actually attracted to, over and over, over and over...and eventually having to cut off my "friendships" with the others because I get to the point where I can't even look at them. WTF?

Third issue, caring. I just don't give a rats about most male "friends" (you know, the playboy bunny type). I can't bring myself to put in the effort. I seem to only be able to stick with the "fun while it lasts" mentality and that drives them running fast...but I'm okay with it...I'm not sure I should be...hahahah. Shouldn't I want a long term relationship? Shouldn't I want something more? If so, then what the heck...

Fourth, trust. The typical topic that people like to discuss about me. I have trust issues. I know that. I don't know why, I'm getting better...but I can't trust people easily. I guess I have no reason to trust someone until proven otherwise. Does that even make sense? I guess that could be why I'm good at these quick little attempts at multiple relationships at once...but the commitement thing...I haven't done that in eight months now and I'm not even interested in doing it again. Again...shouldn't I be?

I guess the actual underlying issue is that I don't care enough about things I should...hahahaha!

William

Julie (my sister in law) said William (my 3 year old Newphew) had some testing the other day. These tests are called IP's and they are to see how the child is progressing in vocabulary and such to see if they are ready for school or need special help. Apparently when they asked him about colors - when they showed him purple - he said RahRah (his sister's nickname), blue was Skyler (his brother)---
With numbers - guess what - 4 was Rah Rah (that is in fact her age), 2 or 3 was Willie (that's his age too...hahaha) ---
Finally, they did the alphabet - the person said “A” “ah” “ah” and he didn't care at all- then “B” “buh” “buh” - he got all excited -- they thought it was cool he knew his alphabet until Julie explained he was excited about his aunt since they call me Bubba! HAHAH!

The Weekend

So we all know that last week was EXTREMELY tough on me. Between the loss of my cousin and my grandmom's health, I've been really hurting. It was strange because although last week was rough and this week is going to tougher...I have this weekend in the middle that I had already committed to. It was a bit of a distraction and that was nice. I got to get away from the real world and just touch base with myself. It was much needed and a great time.
I also got to go to the Coloma Club for the first time. That place is really neat. They have the back of the club set up kinda in a tropical fashion. Definitely comes with my recommendation - you can bet I'll be there more often!

Direction

I was going to post about things that have been on my mind for a week or so now, the job, the people in my life, love, happiness and adventure...but as the story goes...fate has a different direction for me right now.
There are some serious events taking place around me that do directly affect me. Sure, I'm a bit worried right now but at the same time I know that I have to be strong because if I'm not, who will be? Details aren't been talked about right now, just for privacy reasons and all...but your prayers and support for my family and every one's health and positive spirits would sure be appreciated.

My Nephew, My Love

Skyler is able to capture my entire awe at him in such simple moments. He is currently exploring ideas of death and I have to admit that I didn't think it was something kids thought about or talked about at his age unless actually confronted with it. However, Skyler has come to see death as a form of time out. He gets very angry when you bring up someone who has died he says "yeah and then they stick them in a box and don't feed them." He means that they place them in a coffin (a box) and he's right...they don't feed them. The fact that is 110% child makes me enjoy him all the more. What an amazing thing it is to experience life for the first time!