Ghost of Boyfriends Past

Have you ever been cheated on? For the last seven years I believed whole heartedly that I had been. When it had first happened, I was devistated and felt like the world had ended. Eventually, Fernando and I agreed that we could move past it. The thing was, I couldn't. I continued to internally hate him for what I thought he had done to me. I ruined us slowly, as a way of hating him and as a way of hating myself for what had happened.
Back to modern day. My boyfriend was texting his ex and when I asked about it...he lied. Why? Why do you think? The situation screams cheater. But...the issue isn't him. The issue is me and that fact that I absolutely can't deal with lying.
I have worked very hard on my overall health and feeling healthy from the inside out. Although I've always know that the Fernando situation had taken a very big toll on my ability to trust whole-hearted. I thought I was making great steps towards building a relationships that was honest, strong and healthy. After this little incident I realized that I have a lot of personal healing left to do. A little lie (as I keep telling myself it was...and it may very well have been), has brought up some very tough and old scars that although I don't want to deal with...I know that I am finally at a point in my life that I am ready to deal with them.
Oh, and I did I mention that Fernando never actually cheated on me.

Male Counterpart

I have met a man who is extremely like me. It's strange how I feel like I'm looking at a mirror. He does things in his life that remind me of me...two years ago. I've changed and don't really roll like that anymore but overall - it's rather entertaining to watch someone just like me.

Many Levels of Growth

I had a great day! I learned some really amazing stuff about good manangement and leadership today. I had the priviledge of getting to work with Lee Scott of Unleashing Leaders. Everything he said seemed to new to me and yet it all hit the nail on the head. Amazing!

On a different note, I made a good stride in my personal life...I've been playing around with this guy and today I realized - hey..."he's just not that into me" and I've decided that I should probably ditch that and go find someone who actually gives a rat. WOW! I've never been able to do that, I've never been that girl, and yet - I am that girl, I am doing it and it feels like something I should have done a long time ago.

Bummer

Well, I lost my best friend today, although it has been a long time coming. Brian has been a great friend to me. He's always been a listening ear, he's always been very smart and filled with wonderful insight...yet...he never saw me and I struggled with this for a long time. When we dated I complained about this to Alena and we had long chats about what I could do differently. When we started being friends, I just figured...oh well...I've tried as hard as I can and there's no point in throwing more effort into it. Brian insists that I only see the bad in people. He thinks that I'm full of negative energy. Yet I was the only friend of his who bothered to contact him on his birthday - even though he didn't do the same for me. Negative? Ha! I have to laugh at that of course. I have to stop and think of Cinnamon and how she's told me time and again how people see in others the things they don't like in themselves. It would have bothered me that he said this but being that no one else in my life has ever said this...and when I mentioned it to a few friends and family members they laughed...I have to take it like a grain of salt.
My mother and I recently talked about Brian (last week) and how he probably wasn't going to be in my life much longer. It's been time (whether I wanted it to be or not) that Brian got out of his comfort zone and stopped spending time with me. I would always keep the door open for Brian as he's been my best friend, but at my mother and I chatted and...it was time that Brian found new friends, hobbies and grand ventures. I will say that in his finding these new ventures - I am so proud of him! He started taking classes at a local college, he told me he didn't want to hang out with me but rather some other friends, and he started doing...things. Things he could share and talk about with me that didn't actually have to involve me. Things that weren't work related or work centered. In this he became a real friend to me, he stopped being clingy Brian who would have his feelings hurt when I had other plans and couldn't hang out with him, and he started being Brian again - the guy I first met.

I've lost friends before and I always say that friends come and go, that's the way the world works. They come into your life to show you something and they leave when that's completed. To this I would like to add that Brian has taught me a lot. He changed my life. Without him I never would have started my dog rescue which became something so much bigger and better than I ever could have expected. I never would have saved so many lives. I never would have moved into a little ghetto apartment and then into a real home. I never would have had a wake up call that made me get out into the world and start experiencing things - like climbing, yoga, rafting, snowboarding...if it wasn't for him. I'd probably still be living in my little apartment on Watt with my dog, watching TV alone at night after cooking exotic meals and working crazy hours. Perhaps the most important thing that Brian taught me was that the towels don't have to be perfect, this has become a metaphor for my life and so much more.

It's sad to lose a friend, especially a best friend, but because of Brian, I am taking something away from this friendship that I have never had before. For that, I am supremely grateful.

Holiday Health

Things are good...very good. Every holiday that I get with my Grandma right now sure seems like a blessing!! I'm so grateful.
I have a lot of thoughts going on right now...
1. Someone smart brought something to light for me yesterday and it's really made me smile. It's taking me a while to find a "real job" right now because it's going to be the right now. Whatever it is that I finally decide to do as a career is going to come, that's why things are going slow right now, because they have to in order for the right thing to walk along.
2. The hearing for my EDD trial has been set and I've been majorly stressing about having to stand in the same room as my old boss and not break down sobbing. That woman was so abusive that I'm literally scared...silly huh.
3. I'm happy. Not ecstatic like I've often been found to be in the past, but happy. Things are good, I'm on a solid path with a slight incline and I expect that somewhere in the future there is going to be a very big mountain.

Trouper

My Grandmother made it through Chemo and we're all excited to say that she has only a pea-sized piece of cancer left. It's in the bone on her chest and she'll need to do 10 days of radiation to try and get rid of it, but we're all very glad that everything else has cleared up and she's definitely going to be getting better very soon! My biggest concern is with the recurrance rate on her specific type of cancer. The statistics are scary but I must say that knowing I have her for at least one more Thanksgiving, Christmas and birthday sure do make me warm inside. She's such a huge piece of me.

Although I've sworn off all contact with Brandon, I realize that he may still try to contact me. If he does I've also decided on some conditions that I need met before I'm willing to start talking with him again. I need him to:
1- Try some hobbies together (spend time with me doing fun things, things that I like - climbing, hiking, rafting and such)
2- Check out my friends (in the past he hasn't always like my friends so I'd like to introduce him to my crowd and see how he reacts - I definitely place my friends above any guy and I need to know that he's okay with them)
3- Give us a chance (I need him to actually make an attempt at something with me. No more walls for either of us. Maybe it will last a week or maybe a month but I need it to be real and I need to know that least we tried).

I've been reading some really great books lately. I love reading! When I find a good book that makes me stay up reading until 1am (like last night) when I have to wake up at 8am the next morning - that reminds me of why I decided that English was passion.

Tough Knocks

I did something I shouldn't have, something high school-ish and stupid and of course it's come around to bite me in the ass. Worst part is that this ass biting is really making me think.
I have a really big decision to make and I need to do it. I've been dragging my feet and making excuses for myself and I've got to stop. I have to do this!!!
About a month ago Cinnamon and I were talking about a boy. This boy has become a vested interest of mine. He's been around and not around, but ultimately I seem to think that there was always something worth saving there. In talking with her, we decided that maybe really there wasn't anything there. Maybe what I always was gaining from him was knowledge. He always taught me stuff. New and exciting things. But...we agreed that maybe he doesn't have anything more to teach me. In which case, I really can't hold on any longer. I have to cut him out.
This may be one of the hardest things I've ever done. It may be the most emotionally painful experience I've ever been through but I know I'll come out better in the end.

I spoke with Elisha about this today, when I finally realized I had a decision to make and she said that she truly believes that 23-30 are the hardest years of your life. I'm starting to think that. After all, in December (the month I turned 23 in) I got dumped and things have been changing ever since. Change is hard!! The outcomes are far better than I could ever expect and I've learned SO much in just a short period of time. But gosh, change hurts and it's hard and it's draining and more than anything...it's scary.

I've deleted his telephone numbers from my cell phone, I've deleted all our old texts and emails, and I took that one little piece of paper from my book that had his number on it and I fed it through the garbage disposal. I have to stop this! I have to become the stronger person and I have to be able to say for me when enough is enough! I may cry for the next five hours but I'll come out better - stronger - wiser - intact.

Short and To The Point

I spent my day with the Army Corp of Engineers helping to facilitate a leadership program for them on the ropes course. It was a fun day and I learned a ton.

As for self discovery, I still feel like I'm learning something new about myself everyday. Today I took the time to sit down and think a little about my goals. I started with one year, five year and future. I was able to get some really concrete stuff on paper. Just cause it's there doesn't mean I can't change my mind, it just means that I'm aware of those goals and striving toward something.

That Famous Word: Integrity

I've been told time and time again that I have great integrity...at first I didn't understand much about this word, of course I looked it up...and I decided that I still don't think I really understand it.

Right now, I'm struggling with integrity in dating. What is my personal moral feeling when dating? What do I consider acceptable and not (both for myself and the other party)?

I've been "dating" (mind you I hate dating so I'm not really calling it that) this individual who officially makes me feel sick to my stomach over myself. I know that I'm not whole and I'm working very hard to establish a sense of completeness in my life. I'm learning what it means to grow spiritually and to find balance. This individual exhibited EXTREME integrity last night. To which...I can only question my own. Do I have any integrity in dating? Is that why I hate dating? How or where do I begin to examine this within myself? It's a very large concept for me and I'm not sure what I truly believe to be right/moral. I guess that actual question is where do I start to look for answers and understanding when it comes to integrity in dating? I suppose Border's Book store is fine place...the more I read about how others feel, the more I can find myself either agreeing or disagreeing and coming to my own conclusions. I certainly need a conclusion right now as I feel like a terrible person not having any integrity in this area. I've dated far too long without it!

Together

I'm just not together enough for dating yet. I got asked out again in the hallway today and all I could think was "NO WAY." I'm not in a position to date. I'm not sane enough yet. I have so much to learn about myself that devoting time and energy to forming a relationship to the best of my ability...well...isn't the best of my ability.
Instead, I'd like to focus on self growth, learning how to advance my spirit, figuring out what thigns in life really make me happy and enjoying those things without worry about other.