Life

Things are changing and yes I'm scared. I'm terrified of leaving California for the six months I will be gone. I feel like my life was really coming together and now I have to drop everything and pick it up again. Start over, again.
I want to do this because I know it's God's will and it's what I'm suppose to be doing, I just have to get over my own emotions associated with the whole thing. I know I'm coming back and six months is really no time at all...but something in my gut wants to hold onto the past and I just can't, I know...I need to move forward, that's the direction the world goes in.

Love Theory

You know that jitter in the pit of your stomach you feel when you are in the process of falling for someone? That exciting flutter in your gut, the race in your heart? Well, I was presented with a new theory on that feeling and I'm very intrigued by it.
Consider this...love and fear feeling the same.
Fear causes the same response and the same fluttery feeling. So, what makes fear any different from love?
Perhaps what you were actually feeling when you were with that special someone wasn't love at all...but rather a fear...fear of losing them? Fear of losing yourself in them? Fear of something unexamined?
I think perhaps, I have to agree that fear and love feel very similar. I'm not sure I've taken the time in the past to see which one I'm actually feeling.

Something Big is Brewing

Some of you may have gotten the emails by now and I'd like to start with a big "Thank you" for the work I know you'll put into your response. This is a rather big, terrifying move for me...and yet I don't think it has come as a surprise to any of my friends. My friends all know that I'm a bleeding heart.

I have to give! I hate to admit it but I feel entirely unfulfilled and empty if I'm not giving something of myself to someone or something else. This upcoming opportunity is important to me and I know it will help to shape me in ways I can't even begin to imagine. With each new venture in my life I am growing and learning and it is because of these ventures that I continue on this path.

I'm scared of course. I'm not one to seek out failure and really believe that if I put my heart and mind into something I can always come out ahead, but I also know that sometimes the battle isn't one you can win. I like to think that life isn't how Barnes' describes it when she says "he comes, he goes away, and everything goes on the same, except that people have something to talk about." I like to believe that although I may come and I may go away, I leave a piece of me in ever place I've been and every life I've encountered. I have an unimaginable number of pieces left to leave in the world and I'm excited to begin this venture. Again, thank you for all your help!

The Space Between

Every day we dedicate our Yoga practice to someone different (or perhaps a repeat, but it's a personal dedication none the less). Today I dedicated my Yoga practice in a really special way. I sent it to someone I care for, truly, madly, deeply. I sent them all the energy that I could possibly spare and through this practice I sent them love. Love of self, love of others and simple understanding of the entire word - L. O. V. E.

I've struggled with the concept of romatic love for a long time. I tell people I have never experienced it and don't know if I ever will. I want to make it clear that in saying that - I was lying!! I've loved in that way. I have loved and I have lost and I have learned to try, try, try again. Through errors of my past I have ruined partners of the present and the future. No more of that!!
In all my romantic relationships I think it's safe to say that I have loved twice. No it wasn't Josh, Brandon, or even Christian, I have meger friendships if that...with the two men who taught me the most about romantic love.
I have loved with most my heart, not the entire thing...and for that I am at fault. The first and most denied love of all (one which I will confess here for the first time), was Fernando. I loved him like I knew possible at that time. It wasn't the love I know now but it was special and unique all it's own. He taught me the value of friendship, the importance of faith in your partner and how to show affection in a very public way. This relationship also taught me how to fear and this has followed me to this day. Fear is something I am officially letting go of. When I close my eyes tonight to sleep, it is going away and when I awake tomorrow - I refuse to allow this into my life.
I am no longer scared of being cheated on for there are worse pains. For example, the pain of knowing that you allowed your fears to ruin the good in your life. This last month I have learned to release that which can not be changed. In my future relationships, I will allow my partner freedom that has been earned and the trust that I have to learn to give again. The baggage of the past is be left there.

Although I don't intend to find someone worthy of dating right now, I intend to open my heart to those in my life and continue to see that my friendships build on truth, trust and open-ness. Fear no longer lives within me and I will no longer allow anything in my life to be shaped by the unknown.

I have loved, I have lost and I will stand firm on my two feet and try to do it again.

Fear of February

I'm not entirely sure how I got to this place, but I have a fear, a complete and utterly terrifying fear of February. I start to feel this impending doom around the middle of January as I feel February creeping into my calendar view.

Here it is, the "F" word...the nasty, dirty thing that it is - February!

There are a lot of thoughts about where I think this fear may have come from. The first being that I have never been dating someone and been spoiled on that dreaded day...February 14th. I have never gotten those beautiful red roses, chocolates or a romantic dinner.

There was a year, long, long ago, when I was asked on a Valentine's date. Like most of my attempts at special nights...it failed miserably with me sitting in a really hot outfit with my female roomie. We made the best of it and used edible body paint and rum to distract from the fact that my date flopped and although he showed up, he showed dressed casual (jeans!!), no flowers, no chocolates, no dinner plans...oh yeah, and he showed up on the door at 10pm.

I suppose ever since that really nasty event (which I do take partial credit for, which I'd rather not get into too much detail over ...now at least...), I've had a very terrifying time watching February 14th creep onto my calendar.

This year will be like all the others though...I will not have a date, I will not get flowers, I will not get chocolates and I will not get a romantic dinner with someone I love. I will inevitably be forced to watch my co-workers get flowers, eat their chocolates and discuss great dinner plans around the water cooler.

I almost feel a strange sort of acceptance about this though. Although my heart flutters and my squint in anger when I look at the calendar, I know that I'll get an "I love you" telephone call from Alena, I know that Akiko will send me an e-card with something crazy on it, my dad will inevitably get me a really thoughtful Hallmark item and the day will pass, like the worst of everything always does.