A Sign or what?

I had to laugh today when I woke up and got online. There was this thing on my Facebook that said "Not the Brad you're looking for? Keep searching here..." I had to laught...how could I not!?! After all I made the decision on Thursday that Brad wasn't the one I was looking for...hahaha...fate speaks...go figure...

Growing Pains

First, before I write...let me start by telilng you that the cosmos played a funny joke on me today. I was riding my bike towards campus to go to rafting prep school and ... no joke...one arm of my sunglasses jumped off my head and leapt into a bush. NO JOKE!! The arm was gone and I couldn't find it...so...in a bind...I had to buy sunglasses at the bookstore and they cost me $16. What a rip off!

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About growth: I'm growing. Today I was able to identify a problem in my life and clearly see it and understand it. I'm not sure how to address this "issue" but that's just another step in the path of life. I'm just so proud that I've made it this far and that I truly get the concept, how it affects me, what my errors are, what the other person's errors are and knowing that I can move forward and learn from this encounter. YEAH FOR LEARNING!

Oddness of the Day

No flippin' joke...today has been rather surreal.
First off, let me discuss my hatred for ambulances. As Elisha says "Just be thankful you didn't date a taxi driver." Today at a four way intersection I pulled up to, there were three ambulances...one at each light...wtf? It's as if the great cosmos are trying to tell me something but at this point, I just can't listen. I have a balance in my life that feels good and is right. I can't see changing that up at this exact moment. Maybe some other time...just not right now. VERY ODD! After pushing that aside and going to lunch. Things seemed to be fairly normal. Hahaha, was I wrong!!!
I attempted to take the Mendocino Hall elevator from the 1st floor to the 4th...however it got to the third...opened...closed...went up to what I thought was the fourth but didn't open. It then started to move again and since I wasn't sure if I was going up or down, or perhaps even falling out of control...I just stood there. Finally I started hitting the "Open Door" button until it let me off on the 5th floor. Thank goodness! I was sure I was going to end up spending the night in the elevator waiting for the fire department.
Now I am safely at home, away from any such oddity that may decide to intrude upon my contentedness. I'm a little bummed out because I haven't really had time to go climbing or attend yoga in over four days. With any luck, tomorrow after work I'll get to do Yoga. YIPPEE!! I just have to really crack down and make sure I get some of this homework finished.

Is She Running?

The question has been raised that perhaps I am running. A friend has suggested that Maine is my escape from here, from this place with feelings and emotions I hate. With thoughts about people who have been less than true and pure. I would like to address this in depth.

I am actually, shockingly, and with pride...not running! Yes, I am in love. I am madly, madly, madly, truly, madly, deeply in love. Some of you know just how crazy positive my energy has been lately - it's been contagious. In a way I'm sorry for that, I know that I hate it when others emotions are contagious, but this one I can't help and it's certainly spreading. I've come to accept that I'm in love and that's okay, even if I can't be with that person 50% of the time or 100% of the time. I am able to love and I can love from anywhere. I think that through accepting my own emotions I am actually working on releasing something that needs to be released...a feeling I've been fighting with all my might for months and months...finally I have caved into myself.

Alena asked who I'm in love with...I just laughed. I'm in love with life!! I've found this whole new place inside myself that is so happy and full. I am so filled with love of life that I'm not running to Maine to escape someone, I'm running to Maine to share my love with anyone and everyone. I have so much to offer right now and all I can do is accept that with open arms.

The Cosmos

I feel like fate interacts with my life on a continuing basis. Right now I feel like it's pushing me in a direction that I've been firmly fighting against for a few months. Am I suppose to give in? It's sending me clear cut signs and signals that I should going in this direction...
It is also pushing me away from a different direction. Ha! Josh and I haven't physically seen each other in over a year. Well, he's going to be in the area this week and asked that I meet him for dinner on Tuesday. Unfortunately, I absolutely can't since I have class that night and I skipped last week. It's as if the universe doesn't want me to.
The question still remains, at what point do I give in to the direction that the universe is pushing me? Is it pushing you too? Is it pushing us together or apart?

From A - F

A - Ambulance.
There is an ambulance that parks outside my house and waits for their calls - it's rather aggrevating to me...of course...hahaha. Anyway, they didn't show up tonight and I can't help but think of them - what are they up to?

B - Beaver.
I never really realized just how much he really liked me. No details desired...

C - Chili.
I had chili for dinner and my belly is a giant, round, ouch!

D - Destiny.
The wind is blowing me in a direction right now that I'm not sure about, but I'm gonna let it carry me and see where I might land.

E - Endless.
Things feel so endless right now - everything and every moment is so full it is hard to take it all in. I'm lucky to have so much and I'm working on finding the best ways to share that with those in my life.

F - Family
My family is unique and AMAZING! I am so blessed. My cousin is sick and I'm a little worried about her, but I know that she'll do what needs to be done for her own health and I know that all will work out as it should. I'm just so blessed!! I can barely say it enough, my family really adds a depth to my life that few people are lucky enough to experience.

Something Big is Brewing

Some of you may have gotten the emails by now and I'd like to start with a big "Thank you" for the work I know you'll put into your response. This is a rather big, terrifying move for me...and yet I don't think it has come as a surprise to any of my friends. My friends all know that I'm a bleeding heart.

I have to give! I hate to admit it but I feel entirely unfulfilled and empty if I'm not giving something of myself to someone or something else. This upcoming opportunity is important to me and I know it will help to shape me in ways I can't even begin to imagine. With each new venture in my life I am growing and learning and it is because of these ventures that I continue on this path.

I'm scared of course. I'm not one to seek out failure and really believe that if I put my heart and mind into something I can always come out ahead, but I also know that sometimes the battle isn't one you can win. I like to think that life isn't how Barnes' describes it when she says "he comes, he goes away, and everything goes on the same, except that people have something to talk about." I like to believe that although I may come and I may go away, I leave a piece of me in ever place I've been and every life I've encountered. I have an unimaginable number of pieces left to leave in the world and I'm excited to begin this venture. Again, thank you for all your help!

The World Is Trying to Tell Me Something

I feel like the world (the cosmos) is trying to tell me something, I'm not sure what though, I'm trying to listen and it's hard because when I do...everything is screaming something different!

Today at school, we talked about "the other." This is an idea of Lacan's which describes the ideas of human love. We always think we want someone until we get them and then we find that they don't provide that fulfillment that we expected and we feel obligated to move on. However, the problem is that this imaginary fulfillment doesn't exist and we often find ourselves leaving those we should be with only to find that we've made an unchangeable mistake. Ever heard "It's too good to be true," well the theory is that if it seems that way, it's because it is too good to be true and therefore isn't true.

This idea is something I've been talking about and blogging about for a while now, strange how it was the entire topic of my course today. What does it all mean? Where does it all come from? Does any of it even matter?

Attempting to listen to my heart and my mind is harder than I ever thought it would be. My heart is telling me one thing and my mind something totally different. I'm living my life right now in the present and not the past or future because when I stop and think about either one...this is where I go...this ranting, this raving, this complete confusion.

Ask Away

My horoscope for today reads:
If anyone needs objective advice today, you're the right person to give it up. You can see everything that people are missing and fill in any gaps in their understanding -- though they may not want to hear it!

Therefore...go ahead, ask me advice!! I'll answer!

New word for the day: pugnacious (found in There Eyes Were Watching God) it means quirrelsome...I wonder if this pertains to the dog - pug...at all...

New-Ness

New-ness is the theme today. I went climbing and had an absolute BLAST! I should have tried this sooner. Everyone should try it at least once. My arms a little shaky and sore but with practice it will all be well.
After that I went out and bought a new camera. I got a digital camera so that I can take pictures of all this wonderful new-ness. My mother came out to visit and hit Target with me. We picked out some really cute new Yoga clothes. They look hot and show off my new figure. Did I mention that I'm now only 5 pounds from my target weight. That means that since December I've lost 20 pounds!!!! I've also developed muscle and look great. I'm proud. I can wear anything I want and feel good about myself.
I have a new fetish with knitted shoes. Have you seen these things? They are comfy as all get out! I have two pairs and I can't take them off...hehehe.
I emailed Brian for the first time since he told me fuck off. I haven't heard back but that's okay, he needs time to get his head straight too. I wonder what he's been thinking? I'll probably never know...but that's just how it goes when you ...

Following a long day of hiking, climbing and yoga...I show off my stuff...hahaha!

Maybe I Just Need Some Assistance from God?

My Grandpa died today. I knew it was coming and yet it hurt. My Grandpa started dying in 1998 when he had his first heart attack. I never actually thought he'd go.
He never said a mean thing to me, he really put me above others and I appreciated it. I'm not sure how I got this priviledge from him, but some how, I was special. I'm going to choose to believe that my Grandfather died at this time in my life because God really knows how much I need an angel right now. Ever since Brian and I split up, my life has been wild. I've felt like I really did find balance in my life, but...I still feel like Brian is "the one" and if he is...then why isn't he with me? I'm very confused by the entire thing and I keep coming back to it in wonder. How could something so wrong, feel so right? How could I feel something and believe so truly in something that didn't exist? I thought he cared for me...he didn't? Even if he didn't - I still care for him. At the least, I want a friendship and he doesn't want that. It hurts to think he sees me like that. I'm not a bad person if you give me a chance. I try very hard to do good. VERY HARD! I'm not self-centered. I'm not at all. In fact, I give too much of myself and sometimes I expect that of others - I know, an error - one I should think I could fix. I give my time and all my pennies to my rescue (which I'm closing in an attempt to truly feel balanced). I just wish that others could see how bad the world needs their help and just do a little bit, a little something to make this world better.

God knows my heart and he knows what my future holds, he apparently is sending me an angel to make it through this time.
I have to also wonder about the break-up's timing. I know that Brian dumped me just when my life started getting rough and I know a true sign of care/love is being there when shit hits the fan. I get it, he didn't care and his exit was just a sign of his greater lack of ability to care. But, we were suppose to leave for Las Vegas two days after he dumped me. One thing I had planned on in Vegas was visiting my Grandpa. Since Brian dumped me I didn't go to Vegas. Was I ment not to? Did God cancel the trip because I wasn't meant to see my Grandpa in the health he was in? Oh, and I guess I should mention that I'm not preggers...for those that were worried...
Life has meaning. Everything happens for a reason...I know I shouldn't attempt to find reason in everything, but if that meaning is on the surface, can't I believe in it?