Life seems to send you what is best for you...and well...it did it again. I had been hesitating with some stuff in my life and it was like...a can opened and the universe fixed it for me.
Do you ever wonder what's you're calling? What are you suppose to be doing...I wonder a lot and although I don't know...I'm beginning to have more faith that whatever it is, it will find me. Seeking doesn't work, you have sit back and let things play out the way they do and just know that the best thing that is possible will happen...
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Desire in the Unconcious
Lacan believes that when you desire someone or something it really is representing something else, something deeper. What? I have a desire, a very unmet desire. For the life of me I can't figure out what it really has to do with and so...I ponder on it whenever I get the chance.
Do you have an unmet desire? Is it a person or a thing?
With 99% of the things I desire, I just go out and get them...the problem is that with this one desire, I can't. I guess that's why I want it so bad. It's that one thing that I can't will into being.
I'm sick to my stomach thinking about it. It's one of those things that makes you want to run around the block for hours and hours. It's one of those things that makes life seem unnatural until it's in place. It frustrates, it haunts, it is the ultimate in uncontrolable.
I'm getting ready to leave for Maine, I've started packing up my office. I'm getting rid of the stuff I don't need and figuring out just what items I want to take with me. Again I find myself asking the question...am I running?
I wish I had a sign. Just a little sign to tell me if forward is the right direction right now...if away is the right thing for me to ground in. Yes I'm scared, yes I'm embracing it...but that's beside the point...I'm seeking an answer that only one person can give me and being that the answer I am seeking is outside myself, I am stuck with an unsatisfied desire which I must find a way of getting rid of, of releasing.
My solution...for the time being...more yoga, more long walks with my dogs, more sitting in the sun and reading my books, more essays, more writing, more school, more friends, more family...more distractions...
Do you have an unmet desire? Is it a person or a thing?
With 99% of the things I desire, I just go out and get them...the problem is that with this one desire, I can't. I guess that's why I want it so bad. It's that one thing that I can't will into being.
I'm sick to my stomach thinking about it. It's one of those things that makes you want to run around the block for hours and hours. It's one of those things that makes life seem unnatural until it's in place. It frustrates, it haunts, it is the ultimate in uncontrolable.
I'm getting ready to leave for Maine, I've started packing up my office. I'm getting rid of the stuff I don't need and figuring out just what items I want to take with me. Again I find myself asking the question...am I running?
I wish I had a sign. Just a little sign to tell me if forward is the right direction right now...if away is the right thing for me to ground in. Yes I'm scared, yes I'm embracing it...but that's beside the point...I'm seeking an answer that only one person can give me and being that the answer I am seeking is outside myself, I am stuck with an unsatisfied desire which I must find a way of getting rid of, of releasing.
My solution...for the time being...more yoga, more long walks with my dogs, more sitting in the sun and reading my books, more essays, more writing, more school, more friends, more family...more distractions...
Friday, February 8, 2008
Random-ness
I'm going on a date tonight with a wonderful guy who is a female body trainer. Crazy! He's totally buff and he spends his day around GORGEOUS women who do a variety of things including modeling, cheerleading and more. Yet, I feel confident that I'm good enough for him. I'm okay with his job and the women around him, they don't threaten me in any way and I'm not jealous...this may be the first time in my life that I've been at ease with the idea of someone letting him do his thing, I'll do mine, and I'll put faith in you to be honest with me as to how things go.
I hate voice mail...with a passion! Yesterday I had something rather comical to share with Alena and so I called her, when she didn't answer I decided to leave a message and yet make it clear that a voice mail message in return would send my frazzled nerves a frenzy! I understand the desire to leave a voice mail message - sometimes I even like them. But as a whole, I hate voice mail. I have caller ID and if you're one of my friends - I can see you called and I'll call you, no need to leave a message! I rant...hehehehe!
Some crazy nut was on my blog space at 1am this morning!! According to my blog log - this individual looked at 20 pages of my stuff...I laughed like crazy when I saw that, I didn't even know I written tha much and certainly not anything interesting enough to warrant that much reading! HA! Thank you my loyal reader and may tonight bring you some sleep!
Do what makes you happy, I can't say this enough. Do you not know the answer? Ask yourself and make sure you spend enough alone time to listen. If it's a person, if it's a hobby, if it's a job or a food you want - do what makes you happy!!! Happiness can only be created from within and although sometimes hard to see, we all can achieve such wonderful things if we just spend the time and effort on making sure we understand and work for the things in our lives that are our priorities.
I'd like to send some thoughts and well wishes to the Beasaw family who is dealing with a very crazy group of individuals at this time. This wonderful family has been the target of some evangelicals in their area (yes, they really do exist) who think it is their duty to save them from damnation. I, however, feel strongly that this family is not damned. Jeanne Beasaw has been such a kind soul to me. When living in Missouri she was the only adult who really was there when needed. She always offered herself, her family and her home to Cottey girls, myself included. She is much loved!!! Jason Beasaw is a wonderful guy as well! As we all know, Jason and his wife are kind hearted people who will go out of their way for those that matter to them. Again, truly a wonderful family and I hope all the people in my life will send them positive energy as they are in need and truly deserving!
I hate voice mail...with a passion! Yesterday I had something rather comical to share with Alena and so I called her, when she didn't answer I decided to leave a message and yet make it clear that a voice mail message in return would send my frazzled nerves a frenzy! I understand the desire to leave a voice mail message - sometimes I even like them. But as a whole, I hate voice mail. I have caller ID and if you're one of my friends - I can see you called and I'll call you, no need to leave a message! I rant...hehehehe!
Some crazy nut was on my blog space at 1am this morning!! According to my blog log - this individual looked at 20 pages of my stuff...I laughed like crazy when I saw that, I didn't even know I written tha much and certainly not anything interesting enough to warrant that much reading! HA! Thank you my loyal reader and may tonight bring you some sleep!
Do what makes you happy, I can't say this enough. Do you not know the answer? Ask yourself and make sure you spend enough alone time to listen. If it's a person, if it's a hobby, if it's a job or a food you want - do what makes you happy!!! Happiness can only be created from within and although sometimes hard to see, we all can achieve such wonderful things if we just spend the time and effort on making sure we understand and work for the things in our lives that are our priorities.
I'd like to send some thoughts and well wishes to the Beasaw family who is dealing with a very crazy group of individuals at this time. This wonderful family has been the target of some evangelicals in their area (yes, they really do exist) who think it is their duty to save them from damnation. I, however, feel strongly that this family is not damned. Jeanne Beasaw has been such a kind soul to me. When living in Missouri she was the only adult who really was there when needed. She always offered herself, her family and her home to Cottey girls, myself included. She is much loved!!! Jason Beasaw is a wonderful guy as well! As we all know, Jason and his wife are kind hearted people who will go out of their way for those that matter to them. Again, truly a wonderful family and I hope all the people in my life will send them positive energy as they are in need and truly deserving!
Monday, January 7, 2008
Maybe I Just Need Some Assistance from God?
My Grandpa died today. I knew it was coming and yet it hurt. My Grandpa started dying in 1998 when he had his first heart attack. I never actually thought he'd go.
He never said a mean thing to me, he really put me above others and I appreciated it. I'm not sure how I got this priviledge from him, but some how, I was special. I'm going to choose to believe that my Grandfather died at this time in my life because God really knows how much I need an angel right now. Ever since Brian and I split up, my life has been wild. I've felt like I really did find balance in my life, but...I still feel like Brian is "the one" and if he is...then why isn't he with me? I'm very confused by the entire thing and I keep coming back to it in wonder. How could something so wrong, feel so right? How could I feel something and believe so truly in something that didn't exist? I thought he cared for me...he didn't? Even if he didn't - I still care for him. At the least, I want a friendship and he doesn't want that. It hurts to think he sees me like that. I'm not a bad person if you give me a chance. I try very hard to do good. VERY HARD! I'm not self-centered. I'm not at all. In fact, I give too much of myself and sometimes I expect that of others - I know, an error - one I should think I could fix. I give my time and all my pennies to my rescue (which I'm closing in an attempt to truly feel balanced). I just wish that others could see how bad the world needs their help and just do a little bit, a little something to make this world better.
God knows my heart and he knows what my future holds, he apparently is sending me an angel to make it through this time.
I have to also wonder about the break-up's timing. I know that Brian dumped me just when my life started getting rough and I know a true sign of care/love is being there when shit hits the fan. I get it, he didn't care and his exit was just a sign of his greater lack of ability to care. But, we were suppose to leave for Las Vegas two days after he dumped me. One thing I had planned on in Vegas was visiting my Grandpa. Since Brian dumped me I didn't go to Vegas. Was I ment not to? Did God cancel the trip because I wasn't meant to see my Grandpa in the health he was in? Oh, and I guess I should mention that I'm not preggers...for those that were worried...
Life has meaning. Everything happens for a reason...I know I shouldn't attempt to find reason in everything, but if that meaning is on the surface, can't I believe in it?
He never said a mean thing to me, he really put me above others and I appreciated it. I'm not sure how I got this priviledge from him, but some how, I was special. I'm going to choose to believe that my Grandfather died at this time in my life because God really knows how much I need an angel right now. Ever since Brian and I split up, my life has been wild. I've felt like I really did find balance in my life, but...I still feel like Brian is "the one" and if he is...then why isn't he with me? I'm very confused by the entire thing and I keep coming back to it in wonder. How could something so wrong, feel so right? How could I feel something and believe so truly in something that didn't exist? I thought he cared for me...he didn't? Even if he didn't - I still care for him. At the least, I want a friendship and he doesn't want that. It hurts to think he sees me like that. I'm not a bad person if you give me a chance. I try very hard to do good. VERY HARD! I'm not self-centered. I'm not at all. In fact, I give too much of myself and sometimes I expect that of others - I know, an error - one I should think I could fix. I give my time and all my pennies to my rescue (which I'm closing in an attempt to truly feel balanced). I just wish that others could see how bad the world needs their help and just do a little bit, a little something to make this world better.
God knows my heart and he knows what my future holds, he apparently is sending me an angel to make it through this time.
I have to also wonder about the break-up's timing. I know that Brian dumped me just when my life started getting rough and I know a true sign of care/love is being there when shit hits the fan. I get it, he didn't care and his exit was just a sign of his greater lack of ability to care. But, we were suppose to leave for Las Vegas two days after he dumped me. One thing I had planned on in Vegas was visiting my Grandpa. Since Brian dumped me I didn't go to Vegas. Was I ment not to? Did God cancel the trip because I wasn't meant to see my Grandpa in the health he was in? Oh, and I guess I should mention that I'm not preggers...for those that were worried...
Life has meaning. Everything happens for a reason...I know I shouldn't attempt to find reason in everything, but if that meaning is on the surface, can't I believe in it?
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