Building up Power

Send me positive thoughts...I'm about to go into the boss' office and tell him when my last day will be...ahhh...CHANGE scares the shit out of me sometimes.

Something Big is Brewing

Some of you may have gotten the emails by now and I'd like to start with a big "Thank you" for the work I know you'll put into your response. This is a rather big, terrifying move for me...and yet I don't think it has come as a surprise to any of my friends. My friends all know that I'm a bleeding heart.

I have to give! I hate to admit it but I feel entirely unfulfilled and empty if I'm not giving something of myself to someone or something else. This upcoming opportunity is important to me and I know it will help to shape me in ways I can't even begin to imagine. With each new venture in my life I am growing and learning and it is because of these ventures that I continue on this path.

I'm scared of course. I'm not one to seek out failure and really believe that if I put my heart and mind into something I can always come out ahead, but I also know that sometimes the battle isn't one you can win. I like to think that life isn't how Barnes' describes it when she says "he comes, he goes away, and everything goes on the same, except that people have something to talk about." I like to believe that although I may come and I may go away, I leave a piece of me in ever place I've been and every life I've encountered. I have an unimaginable number of pieces left to leave in the world and I'm excited to begin this venture. Again, thank you for all your help!

The Good Things We See In Others

In (of course) a written correspondence with a good friend of mine, he wrote:
"Well, well. You've got some major changes going in your life, don't you? Two months without a Midori Sour? That's impressive in its own right, not to mention going off the meds, too. Sounds like somebody might be getting settled into her own skin ... ;)"

I can't say that I thought this on my own. I wouldn't say that I felt "settled" into my own skin but yes, I am becoming more at peace with my reality - I suppose...I do like my skin and feel some what at ease with it.

The no meds, no alcohol, no caffine, and upped exercise has really made a change for me.

First, the no meds. I never thought I'd be in this place in my life. It had always seemed so scary! Although, Kay Jamison did write "pills cannot, do not, ease one back into reality; they only bring one back headlong, careening, and faster than can be endured at times." I felt like this really hit home for me. My medications had become such a concrete part of my own reality that they were beginning to push me in directions that weren't healthy and yet I held fast. Living without them has been hard, coming off them much easier than I had thought...yet...I will confess that since Saturday morning my heart rate has been faster than I'd like and my mind more scattered and fragmented than I'd like. I suppose certain stimuli still create that reaction for me...but, the realization of these facts and the knowledge that I can handle this without medication, without those emergency pills I carry on me...really feels empowering. I'm pill free for one month on Monday!!!! ME!!!

Second, no alcohol and no caffine! I came off both because without the medications I really needed to focus on only putting the good into my body until I am in a place that's firm enough to alter that state. No telling if I'll get there in a month, a year, a decade...but until I find that place and know that I'm not going to be without it under the imfluence of these drugs, I don't think that either of these products are of any use to me. This friend of mine, knew how I used alcohol to relieve my discomfort in an unhealthy way and he's right - this is a rather remarkable thing for me to walk away from. But, I am strong enough in myself and I suppose, settled into my own skin, in a way that allows me to control these emotions without the help of something like alcohol.

I think that the best things in ourselves are the things that others see and we can't. The things that are pushed back into our minds that we don't acknowledge until brought forth by someone in our lives. Those are the things that are fundamentally who we are and those are the things that make each and every individual so unique and precious.

My Arms are Fried!

I did some great things I love today...it seems like I say this ever day...ehehehe! :)
Anyway, I got together with Chad and we went down to some random water area close to the bay...he'd know the place if you ever wanna try and go yourself. Just ask and I can get the info for ya. He has kayakes so we paddled it out onto the water and then...this was the most amazing part of it all...we climbed! Have you ever attempted to climb a cliff starting in a boat. HA! Let me tell you, it was the most challenging thing I've done in a long time (I'd like to say EVER but my memory has been shit today). It was so physically demanding that my fingers, hands, and arms are trembling even though I haven't been moving for some time now. HA! It's moments like these where you learn so much about yourself and your own body. It's great!!! I'm making a pledge to myself to try something (anything really) new each month. NO EXCEPTIONS!
I've actually signed up for my first experience paint balling. I think that should be fun!

Anyway, when we got back I did my taxes - a whole 20 minutes...hahaha, anyway, I can't wait to see that refund! YIPPEE! Now, I'm just chillin' with Chewy, Wally and a tall cold glass of magnesium. Apparently the average person doesn't have enough magnesium in their diet so supplements are a plus plus. It's suppose to be a calming agent...I just like the way it tastes, not sure that it actually calms me any. Oh well!