Accessing the Self

We're dating again but he's still very insecure and we fight a lot over that. I'm not sure I'm ready to be in a relationship. I'm not sure if I'm ready to commit to this unknown thing. Especially when the unknown seems to be so scared.

Understanding My Needs

I'm finally figuring out what I want in a relationship. I want an equal, good listening, kind hearted, caring, affectionate, understanding man.
Someone who will not push me but who will meet me at the line when I push.
He dumped me today. It seemed like every weekend he'd pull back from me and pick a fight. He realized that he couldn't guarantee that it would get better and...I'm finally ok with holding firm on my needs.

He Loves Me At My Craziest

I'm full of fleeting ideas and wonderous passions. I get a thought and I can't help but dive head first into it. I attack this issue as I'm diving head first into something new and those who know me best know that it's not all that shocking.

Over the past five years, I've lived in five places, I've had four jobs, I've also attended four colleges, started and stopped a rescue, changed my major and then changed it back again, made friends and lost friends, started relationships and ended them, purchased a car, a bed, a dog...and all the while I've been loved by someone who I never thought it possible.

He reminds me that I'm still working on my footing and maybe I'll always be - that's ok. He reminds me that I'm innately me. He loves me at my craziest.

Have you ever loved someone like that? Have you ever really given someone your all?

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I finally picked out a paint. I write this with tears in my eyes. I've been avoiding painting this one wall for a variety of reasons. Mind you I moved in here nearly two months ago and I've hung picture on the wall, but I simply refused the idea of painting it. My reasons? Number one: colors are emotions to me and I'm scared of those. Number two: painting my wall is a really big stance for me to take. It means that I'm really here and I'm here firmly.

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A theory of Jacobean men:
Guys are afraid of women who are "too passionate." If a woman is extremely into sex with their boyfriend/husband it scares the man. The idea is that if she is that sexual with him and he is unable to fulfill her, she will inevitably go elsewhere.

Just for the record, this theory is entirely inaccurate!! A woman is passionate for one man isn't necessarily going to be passionate for another - it's all about chemistry, love and connection!

Don't Analyze This Dream

I had the most unheard of dream last night and I certainly don't want to know what would be concluded when you look at it for analysis purposes.

In my dream I was suppose to go to Lathrop to take an assessment test for school. Some how I forgot my car, so I needed to hop a bus. When the bus pulled up, it was baby blue with hippy stickers all over and...guess who the driver was....Pee Wee Herman!

WTF??

I'm not at all sure how he got into my dream!!! I haven't seen him in a movie lately (lately being since the 80's). Yet, there he was!!!

The Space Between

Every day we dedicate our Yoga practice to someone different (or perhaps a repeat, but it's a personal dedication none the less). Today I dedicated my Yoga practice in a really special way. I sent it to someone I care for, truly, madly, deeply. I sent them all the energy that I could possibly spare and through this practice I sent them love. Love of self, love of others and simple understanding of the entire word - L. O. V. E.

I've struggled with the concept of romatic love for a long time. I tell people I have never experienced it and don't know if I ever will. I want to make it clear that in saying that - I was lying!! I've loved in that way. I have loved and I have lost and I have learned to try, try, try again. Through errors of my past I have ruined partners of the present and the future. No more of that!!
In all my romantic relationships I think it's safe to say that I have loved twice. No it wasn't Josh, Brandon, or even Christian, I have meger friendships if that...with the two men who taught me the most about romantic love.
I have loved with most my heart, not the entire thing...and for that I am at fault. The first and most denied love of all (one which I will confess here for the first time), was Fernando. I loved him like I knew possible at that time. It wasn't the love I know now but it was special and unique all it's own. He taught me the value of friendship, the importance of faith in your partner and how to show affection in a very public way. This relationship also taught me how to fear and this has followed me to this day. Fear is something I am officially letting go of. When I close my eyes tonight to sleep, it is going away and when I awake tomorrow - I refuse to allow this into my life.
I am no longer scared of being cheated on for there are worse pains. For example, the pain of knowing that you allowed your fears to ruin the good in your life. This last month I have learned to release that which can not be changed. In my future relationships, I will allow my partner freedom that has been earned and the trust that I have to learn to give again. The baggage of the past is be left there.

Although I don't intend to find someone worthy of dating right now, I intend to open my heart to those in my life and continue to see that my friendships build on truth, trust and open-ness. Fear no longer lives within me and I will no longer allow anything in my life to be shaped by the unknown.

I have loved, I have lost and I will stand firm on my two feet and try to do it again.