I'm so confused right now that it's sending my emotions into a bit of whirl wind. I'm trying to stay focus and grounded and I'm doing okay but if I stop and think about life...I start to get scared.
I have a lot of stuff on my mind...friends, family, new friends, new dating interests, and a giant move. I know that it's God's will and I'm suppose to be doing this right now I just need to take a step back and make sure that I'm putting all my faith in him and letting him do what's right. When you try to take control yourself, things get all messed up.
It's just hard. I want to spend time with Elisha, Stacey and Nicole but they have a lot going on and I'm worried about leaving in eight days with little time with them. Then, there's my family who I haven't gone to Woodland to visit in a month, Yikes! Then there's Brad...which I don't know what I'm doing there since I barely know the guy and I have to take off. I hate to see him fade into the background. My apartment is nearly packed, I'm almost done...it's just a matter of moving everything now.
Showing posts with label moving on. Show all posts
Showing posts with label moving on. Show all posts
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Friday, March 28, 2008
#1
It's official, I've finished packing my first box. I think it means that I am actually getting ready to move. I have someone coming tomorrow to look at my apartment. I've moving help lined up...I've got storage arranged...I'm going. It still doesn't seem entirely real but that's okay.
I'm suppose to be going out in an hour, yet I find that instead of getting ready to go out. I'm sitting around in sweats, my hair is a mess and all I wanna do is fantasize about...about...nothing.
Life continues to move and I continue to flow along with it...Brandon's birthday is this week. Yeah for him! Brian got the keys to his house today. Yeah for him!
The guy I have a crush on is being a dick. He's acting like a flippin' 15 year old. Entirely not something I'm into. I know that the whole "does she like me" game is supposedly fun but I say, skip that crap and lets get a move on. He hasn't acted like this for the five or so months we've known each other...yet...he's doing it now. Maybe I should just give up on this one and keep moving...moving on up...to the East side...I think there is a song for every thought or emotion that I've ever had. Go figure!
I'm suppose to be going out in an hour, yet I find that instead of getting ready to go out. I'm sitting around in sweats, my hair is a mess and all I wanna do is fantasize about...about...nothing.
Life continues to move and I continue to flow along with it...Brandon's birthday is this week. Yeah for him! Brian got the keys to his house today. Yeah for him!
The guy I have a crush on is being a dick. He's acting like a flippin' 15 year old. Entirely not something I'm into. I know that the whole "does she like me" game is supposedly fun but I say, skip that crap and lets get a move on. He hasn't acted like this for the five or so months we've known each other...yet...he's doing it now. Maybe I should just give up on this one and keep moving...moving on up...to the East side...I think there is a song for every thought or emotion that I've ever had. Go figure!
Thursday, February 28, 2008
The Queen of Change
I am the Queen of Change. It seems that I get in these moods and want to change things in my life - in spurts. Well, today my plans were finalized. I move to Maine and start my new job on May 1st.
I'm looking for a place, I'm looking for a friend, I'm looking...for...myself. That's okay. I'm excited to be a part of this great venture and I know that working for a non-profit will be very rewarding to me.
I need to think about what to do with all my stuff as I'm probably only going to be living on the east coast for a short while. I'm going to need to purchase my plan ticket soon and I need to get Chewy's ticket. I checked into the airline I'd like to use and he can go in the cabin with me so that makes me feel better - I'd hate to have to check him as luggage...I'm not sure I could do that.
My mother wants me to get my passport also. She's convinced that since I'll be in Maine, I might as well as go check out Canada.
I need to speak with my teachers about finishing the semester remotely...I already know that won't be a problem.
Wow - deep breath. If I don't focus on the now and the immediate, I can certainly get overwhelmed by the future.
I'm looking for a place, I'm looking for a friend, I'm looking...for...myself. That's okay. I'm excited to be a part of this great venture and I know that working for a non-profit will be very rewarding to me.
I need to think about what to do with all my stuff as I'm probably only going to be living on the east coast for a short while. I'm going to need to purchase my plan ticket soon and I need to get Chewy's ticket. I checked into the airline I'd like to use and he can go in the cabin with me so that makes me feel better - I'd hate to have to check him as luggage...I'm not sure I could do that.
My mother wants me to get my passport also. She's convinced that since I'll be in Maine, I might as well as go check out Canada.
I need to speak with my teachers about finishing the semester remotely...I already know that won't be a problem.
Wow - deep breath. If I don't focus on the now and the immediate, I can certainly get overwhelmed by the future.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Long Gone
I cut off 6 inches of hair today...for locks for love. Yippee! I've got this totally new do and it's sassy!
I also spent part of the day looking at homes in Maine. I'm thinking that something on the beach would be nice...although I'm still fairly flexible. My mother thinks that a bungalow is my style. Go figure! I'm excited about the changes that are coming in my life and I'm scared...yet I'm ready! More details will emerge as things are set in motion, yet - for now...just go with the flow...
Oh, did I mention that Beaver's bid on a house went through and he's going to move into it in about a month. I'm excited for him! He's a great friend and I hope that things work out well for him.
I went to the dentist today and her name was Dr. House! Go figure!!! I thought that was the funniest thing I've heard in a while. My teeth are a bit sore, she did this horrible thing with a tool called the Cavitron...don't ever let them play with that when you're in the room. RUN!
Josh wants to do dinner in Napa on Wednesday. I want to but I also know that my priorities need to be a different place right now. I hate to turn him down as it's been too long...yet, I know that I need to focus on things here, at least for a while!
I also spent part of the day looking at homes in Maine. I'm thinking that something on the beach would be nice...although I'm still fairly flexible. My mother thinks that a bungalow is my style. Go figure! I'm excited about the changes that are coming in my life and I'm scared...yet I'm ready! More details will emerge as things are set in motion, yet - for now...just go with the flow...
Oh, did I mention that Beaver's bid on a house went through and he's going to move into it in about a month. I'm excited for him! He's a great friend and I hope that things work out well for him.
I went to the dentist today and her name was Dr. House! Go figure!!! I thought that was the funniest thing I've heard in a while. My teeth are a bit sore, she did this horrible thing with a tool called the Cavitron...don't ever let them play with that when you're in the room. RUN!
Josh wants to do dinner in Napa on Wednesday. I want to but I also know that my priorities need to be a different place right now. I hate to turn him down as it's been too long...yet, I know that I need to focus on things here, at least for a while!
Friday, January 18, 2008
You're So Vain
You know the song, You're So Vain by Carlie Simmon? I'll give you one guess what I'm thinking. Ha!
On a different note, I got to write Brian a letter today in which I felt like I got a lot off my chest, stuff that I had wanted to say to him but couldn't. I expressed my thoughts and feelings in retrospect and I needed to do that directed at him. I needed to let him know my thoughts in order to have a release of that. Why did I wait so long??
I know why!! I've said it to a few of you even...I didn't feel like I could. As the wise one, Alena, said - "You have a right to" and I just didn't accept or embrace that. Alena - You Are Wise Beyond Your Years.
I sent his letter and my response to a friend, I felt empowered by my ability to final see everything clearly...this is her response and I must say, I am moved to tears:
I think you're finally ready. I think he finally crossed your emotional boundary. It's too much though. He's done too much to you and you've let him take it this far... but I think he finally reached your point of no return. And I think that's best. He still has not taken any responsibility for anything in the relationship. That tells me that he thinks he is better then you in some way. Whether it be in age or experience. He thinks he knows more then you. That is sad. That is also inaccurate. You just know differently then him. He sees the world and life from his perspective. You see it from yours. And people's perspective is relative to their experiences that they have had through out their life. He sees it from only one point of view. His. No one elses. You are at least blessed enough to see both sides. You should be grateful that you can see others points of view. That you can have empathy for what they feel and experience. He does not have empathy....He can not put his feet in other people's shoes. Empathy is a gift.... cherish that. So congrats... you found your boundary.... now move it so that it's not so far... so that you get hurt so badly.
I think what you are doing with this breakup... the fact you are trying to take what you can from it and make yourself better is an awesome thing. Only the best people can do that. I on the other hand did not come quiet as far as you have in any of my break ups. I think that I always left at anger... In very few occasions have I ever looked back in retrospect and tried to figure out my faults... i always clearly saw theirs. I guess I have to take that back... and like you gave my power up to so many others. I Just think that... you've come so very far in such a short period. I just love you for that. It makes me realize that you truly are someone I want in my own life... as a friend. And that i never want to lose someone like you who is able to look back and see their own faults... and not be oblivious to their contribution in any relationship. I hope this makes sense...I just have so much to say to you...how proud I am of you...and I don't know exactly how to express it at times.
On a different note, I'm really moving on...as some of you have taken note of. I'm seeing someone. Yes, I'm dating the masses, but I'm sleeping with only one person. I feel good about this. I feel okay with the decision and I feel like it is progress in the right direction.
I had a chat yesterday with Cinnamon...and well...I need to create some boundaries. Emotional ones. As my friends have probably realized by now, I don't have them and that's not good. I picked up a book called Boundaries by Anne Katherine and it talks about it, what they are, how you create them and how to adjust them as needed. This is a big issue for me and certainly an area that holds much potential for self improvement.
On a different note, I got to write Brian a letter today in which I felt like I got a lot off my chest, stuff that I had wanted to say to him but couldn't. I expressed my thoughts and feelings in retrospect and I needed to do that directed at him. I needed to let him know my thoughts in order to have a release of that. Why did I wait so long??
I know why!! I've said it to a few of you even...I didn't feel like I could. As the wise one, Alena, said - "You have a right to" and I just didn't accept or embrace that. Alena - You Are Wise Beyond Your Years.
I sent his letter and my response to a friend, I felt empowered by my ability to final see everything clearly...this is her response and I must say, I am moved to tears:
I think you're finally ready. I think he finally crossed your emotional boundary. It's too much though. He's done too much to you and you've let him take it this far... but I think he finally reached your point of no return. And I think that's best. He still has not taken any responsibility for anything in the relationship. That tells me that he thinks he is better then you in some way. Whether it be in age or experience. He thinks he knows more then you. That is sad. That is also inaccurate. You just know differently then him. He sees the world and life from his perspective. You see it from yours. And people's perspective is relative to their experiences that they have had through out their life. He sees it from only one point of view. His. No one elses. You are at least blessed enough to see both sides. You should be grateful that you can see others points of view. That you can have empathy for what they feel and experience. He does not have empathy....He can not put his feet in other people's shoes. Empathy is a gift.... cherish that. So congrats... you found your boundary.... now move it so that it's not so far... so that you get hurt so badly.
I think what you are doing with this breakup... the fact you are trying to take what you can from it and make yourself better is an awesome thing. Only the best people can do that. I on the other hand did not come quiet as far as you have in any of my break ups. I think that I always left at anger... In very few occasions have I ever looked back in retrospect and tried to figure out my faults... i always clearly saw theirs. I guess I have to take that back... and like you gave my power up to so many others. I Just think that... you've come so very far in such a short period. I just love you for that. It makes me realize that you truly are someone I want in my own life... as a friend. And that i never want to lose someone like you who is able to look back and see their own faults... and not be oblivious to their contribution in any relationship. I hope this makes sense...I just have so much to say to you...how proud I am of you...and I don't know exactly how to express it at times.
On a different note, I'm really moving on...as some of you have taken note of. I'm seeing someone. Yes, I'm dating the masses, but I'm sleeping with only one person. I feel good about this. I feel okay with the decision and I feel like it is progress in the right direction.
I had a chat yesterday with Cinnamon...and well...I need to create some boundaries. Emotional ones. As my friends have probably realized by now, I don't have them and that's not good. I picked up a book called Boundaries by Anne Katherine and it talks about it, what they are, how you create them and how to adjust them as needed. This is a big issue for me and certainly an area that holds much potential for self improvement.
Friday, December 21, 2007
Attempt at Moving On
He's still not around...and that sucks but... on a different note.
I went out to Woodland Aviation today and hung out with Shawn and Mac. That was nice. They always have something funny and interesting to discuss. Plus Shawn's wife is preggers. Congratulations all around.
This evening, I went out on Brandon's cabin cruiser boat for the first time since he bought it (over a year ago). It was awesome! It's so quiet out on the water at night and the stars, planes and moon...wow. The world is so beautiful. There were some really great photos to be taken ... and yet, no Brian to take them. That was a little heart stirring.
I went out to Woodland Aviation today and hung out with Shawn and Mac. That was nice. They always have something funny and interesting to discuss. Plus Shawn's wife is preggers. Congratulations all around.
This evening, I went out on Brandon's cabin cruiser boat for the first time since he bought it (over a year ago). It was awesome! It's so quiet out on the water at night and the stars, planes and moon...wow. The world is so beautiful. There were some really great photos to be taken ... and yet, no Brian to take them. That was a little heart stirring.
If You're Not The One by D.B.
If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all
I'll never know what the future brings
But I know you're here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
I don't want to run away but I can't take it,
I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my husband?
I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life
I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side
I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I could stay in your arms
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all
I'll never know what the future brings
But I know you're here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
I don't want to run away but I can't take it,
I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my husband?
I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life
I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side
I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I could stay in your arms
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