God in Pieces

We all have this time piece of ourselves that is bridged with God. This time piece of life that knows what's right, what's wrong and what's needed to make us who we are. I had a reminded over the last week of just how real this piece of God is. I'm amazed at the ways that he shows through and left breathless when I think about it.
How is it that we can all go around day after day like we do and then all of sudden, that little connection within us comes out? I have always been very aware of the God within me; however, I've never realized the God that exists in others. It's as if people are the pieces to a puzzle that as a whole makes up God.

Moments of Fullness

I feel such love for Steve that I have to stand back and look at how far I've come. I've never made an effort. He's the first guy who has come into my life where I feel that making an effort is worth it. Although, 90% of the time there isn't an effort required. I wish that he could see himself through my eyes for a minute, just a short amount of time. He's such a warm and loving person that I feel lucky to have him in my life. I don't know anyone like him. He's a million things I can't describe. I know that he is always afraid of losing me. Whether it be to someone else or to nothing at all. What he doesn't realize is that he's the only one who could lose me...I'm not going anywhere so long as he's Steve.

A Journey

Life is a journey, that's for sure. I have learned so much thus far and it's scary and exciting to think of all the things I will learn moving forward.



Steve is gone for five days and although I'm happy for him and exciting that he's getting this time for himself...I miss him. I have never loved anyone as much as I love him. He is this amazing guy. Sure he makes his mistakes but I'm not easy to deal with and he tolerates the good and bad in me. I have never felt the need to be so loyal in my life. I've always had people who come and go and aren't really committeed to me. Now I've got Steve and he's as devoted to me as I am to him. Yes we both have our insecurities as we're both damaged goods...but at least we're in the compost pile together.

Another Fit

The monthly fit has starting to feel normal. He threw his fit yesterday, almost right on schedule...and instead of taking it to heart and feeling like shit - I've given up. He needs drama in his life. I get that. He hasn't learned how to live in the moment - he can't just accept the life that he has. I guess that comes from a lot of different places - low self-esteem, scary past and scary future. Rather than sucking it up, getting the help he needs and learning that living in the present isn't all that bad - he continues with this monthly circle.

He needs help. I love him and I want to support him but I can't help him in the ways that he needs. I'm having a hard time even making the effort with him anymore. How can I take anything he gets upset about seriously when I know that he wont deal with the real issues? He needs to deal with his past - his family issues (which he has created since his family really doesn't hate him like he thinks), his military experiences (which he seems to pretend never happened and yet holds extreme emotions - which only come out when you mention certain things), and his self-esteem issues (which I think will heal themselves if he fixes the other areas of his life). He depends on me to create his own image and that's just not healthy.

Since he's started this fit I've realized that I can use these monthly moments to catch up on the things I give up during the remainder of the month for him. I called up the friends who's phone calls I hadn't returned. I set up a dinner date with a gal pal I haven't had enough time for. I finished a good book.

Pinch Me

Yes work may suck but Steve is amazing.

Last night after a long day of fighting people I came home to rose petals, candles, a great meal and a bubble bath. What girl could ask for more? It was this totally enchanting thing - something you'd see on a movie. I wish I could write more and describe it but it was simply wordless and breath taking. If anything - I'm spoiled!

Single for Life?

I've always thought I was meant to be single. Not because I'm destined to be alone or anything of the sort - but because I'm okay with being single and being in a relationship just seems to be...well...________(insert proper description here).
If I was ever meant to spend the rest of life with someone, it would be Steve. He's truly the prince charming I've always wanted. But...there are downsides too and I just can't deal with those. For example, he doesn't trust me...at all!!! I've never been more in love, loyal or happy with someone and yet at every turn I'm being asked "where were you at lunch?," "who texted you?" and all those lovely controlling questions that get you no where but isolated - and that's exactly what I feel with him now. I don't feel like I'm in a relationship - I feel like I'm in a battle. I'm battling for him to see me for me, accept what I'm telling him and trust me. As we all know...I don't battle well and thus...I'm destined to be single.