Just Another Let Down

Forgive the rant...
Every time I try to do something special, it always backfires and I end up really angry. Like tonight...I made a mistake - I put faith in the guy I'm seeing. Perhaps unwarrarented trust. He said let's do dinner at 7:30 and I had no real reason not to trust in that but when 7:30 came around, he texted to say, let's make it 8:30. At 8:30 I found myself sitting in front of the fire alone...go figure. By 9 o'clock I was still waiting and now very angry because I've been dressed up in a cute little dress with flashy makeup and heels for my dog. Chewy appreciates my efforts and thank goodness someone does. Tomorrow, I took the day off work hoping to spend the morning in bed with the guy I'm head over heels for...instead I'll spend my morning alone in bed with Chewy. We'll cuddle and I'll tell him how much I adore him. I have a dog because he can be relied upon and Chewy will never let me down.

The Great Tribal Leader Speaks

Oh Wise One, you speak such great words!
Last night I had a much needed conversation with the Great Wise One. I was frustrated with the idea of art. I had come to the conclusion that I felt this way because it has no value, it's meaningless. Art doesn't bring anything to the world that makes it better or makes a real difference. Art makes me angry because individuals (in my opinion) waste (yes WASTE) time on it. Time that could be spent making a real hands-on difference in the lives of those around us. In my free time, I don't draw or write...I save dogs because it makes a difference and when it stops making a difference to me, I will move on to some other form of meaning.
I called the Great Wise One to vent in the myst of my melt down. The Great Wise One brought me a light. She explained to me that it isn't the art that is beautiful, I don't have to like the art. It's that which is within the art that has meaning and value. Someone spent time created that something that is now being observed and it was meaningful to that one person who spent that time. The art is not the beauty, it is the subject that is the beauty and it is not the art that is to be immortal, it is the subject frozen in that art.
The Great Wise One brings such meaningful words to this world. I am moved and forever will see art differently.

Female Sexuality

In both Eliza Haywood’s Fantomina (published in 1725) and John Cleland’s Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure (published in 1749), the body and female sexuality are depicted as adaptable and able to fit into the surrounding environment. The use of false imagery as a way of projecting one’s self as a different individual and different social status is seen as standard and ordinary during the 18th century. However, in Fantomina this ability to adapt is viewed in a negative light and leads her to be seen as an unfit woman who is too free with her body. Ultimately Fantomina’s ability to adapt her body to the desires of others, leads to the protagonist’s fall from grace and banishment from normal society.[1] Whereas, in Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure, though the protagonist attempts to experience freedom of the body through sexual promiscuity, she is never truly able to escape from her basic nature and ultimately returns to the image she originally chose to portray (a docile and well mannered female). This drastic contrast in the outcome of the characters can lead to a better understanding of how each author portrayed female sexuality and ultimately the body through their use of characters. The changing female form is established and ultimately can help readers to conclude that female sexuality is constantly undergoing change and has not yet solidified in a single meaning and perhaps it never will.
In Eliza Haywood’s Fantomina, Fantomina is a girl attempting to maintain the interest of a man she desires. In order to do this she must take over the roles of several very different women in an attempt to keep him craving more. The idea that women are able to create their own sexuality in this strict and fleeting society is a concept that dominates throughout the novel (although ultimately is overruled by the societal norms). Haywood describes the male sex as unable to “prolong Desire, to any great Length after Possession” (50). The idea that the male is only interested in the new and exciting helps to force the female to attempt to achieve this goal in order to maintain his interest. It was described that “the Widow Bloomer was a more new acquaintance than Fantomina, and therefore esteem’d more valuable” (60). The idea that the female who has been around the longest does not serve the same purpose or intrigue as a new one, aids readers to a better understanding of Fantomina’s constant need to alter her physical appearance and thus take on an entirely new identity again and again.
Through the use of Fantomina and her various personas, the prolonging of desire can be established in a very unique form. Fantomina is able to alter her physical appearance to such a degree as to change the way in which others perceived her and thus is able to use her body to establish her social position. This ability allows her to put herself into situations which are outside of her class (both above and below). This is depicted when Fantomia is reflecting on the ways in which she has previously encountered Beausplaisir and how he has come to view her differently when she has changed her physical appearance “She had often seen him in the Drawing-Room, had talk’d with him; but then her Quality and reputed Virtue kept him from using her with that Freedom she now expected he wou’d do” (42). In stepping outside of the preset societal boundaries, Fantomina is able to interact with individuals on a variety of levels and experience things that would have otherwise been deemed unallowable. The use of the body as a tool towards blending into society is strongly characterized through Fantomina’s various portrayals. In one interaction with Beauplasir, Fantomina finds herself being pursued by him in accordance with the position he thinks her to be, “then pulling her gently to him, ask’d her…Questions, befitting one of the Degree she appear’d to be” (53). Had her body been portrayed in a different light (such as her true class standing), the experience in its entirety would have been altered. Beauplasir would most likely have ignored her as he had done so many times. Being that he thought her to be an individual below himself, he took liberties with Fantomina that he had until this time avoided.
Throughout Fantomina, the ability of the female to change into the desires of her male counterpart are shown as the ultimate way to maintain attraction and desire. Through change of the body and physical appearance Fantomia is able to change her social rank, position, and personality. The body is presented as the key to shaping identity. This view is in contrast to the idea exhibited in John Cleland’s Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure. In Cleland’s Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure, the main character, Francis Hill, is unable to escape her body through all her efforts and ultimately leads a circular journey which results in her finding herself in the same position she attempts to escape at the beginning of the novel.[2] The idea that body is outside of class and social rank is expressed in this novel.
Cleland informs us that “we may say what we please, but those we can be the easiest and freest with, are ever those we like, not to say love the best” (81). The idea that we are drawn to individuals who make us work the least to be who we are is key to understanding Francis. If one has to work at appearing to be something, Cleland suggests that we are less likely to be attracted to that person. Although Francis plays the part of many different individuals, she is ultimately of one class and never able to escape from that ranking. The idea that the mind and the body are two entirely separate entities plays through in various times throughout the novel. For example, the notion that “objects which afright us, when we cannot get from them, draw our eyes as forcibly as those that please us” (101). At this point in the novel, Francis finds herself staring uncontrollably at the male genitalia; she is entirely unable to look away, not because she likes it but because she finds it fascinating and rare. If an individual were in complete control of their body, they would be able to look away from things they did not wish to see. But, being that the body is ultimately in charge of the brain, we are drawn and forced to experience that which we might rather not.
In the conclusion of Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure, Francis finds herself intertwined with her true love, Charles. Their bond although physical is so complicated and deep that she describes it as “I was him, and he, me” (184). After spending the entire novel searching for a means of being self-sufficient and independent Francis succumbs to her inner-most wants and gives herself entirely over to a man both physically and emotionally when she is reunited with Charles. In marrying Charles, Francis is ultimately giving up her entire financial independence and all that she has worked to achieve. The strong Francis that was once depicted is almost instantly turned into a glowing, soft, docile, female. This idea helps readers to understand that Cleland truly feels that the body is able to control our social and economical identities. Had Francis not been under the control of her body, she would not have accepted Charles back and continued to pursue her desires of being rich and merry. Instead, she is instantly turned into the female identity which she originally found herself attempting to escape.
The two very unique views depicted in Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure and Fantomina help readers to better understand two of the ways the body can be viewed. However, being that the body and our concepts regarding the body is constantly changing and adapting, the views of the 18th century are unlikely to be those we encounter in our every day life.

[1] In the end of the novel, Fantomina is sent to a convent.
[2] In the beginning of the novel Francis is attempting to become self-sufficient, strong and independent.

Single All The Way Baby

(Aside from the fact that I have a totally awesome boyfriend who stimulates my mind and treats me like I've always wanted...)

Single, a state of mind or an actual thing? Even when I'm in a relationship when I'm asked if I'm single I always feel the pull of "YES!" Being single isn't a negative thing to me, it's something I take great pride in. It screams, I'm happy with who I am and I can support myself without the help of a man.

Here are a few quotes from a short compilation piece on single-ness and a few brief thoughts that come to my mind (Single Sate of the Union, Edited by Diane Mapes):

"Their woman's work always took a back seat to their own."
I want to always be able to put my own career in the forefront. The decisions of where I work and why seems to greatly contribute to my personal happiness and having the ability to work anywhere when I want is something I value very much. Giving that up would be a crying shame!

"Now we're in love. Our idea of a good time is critiquing rough drafts of each other's prose while ordering in sushi at midnight."

"I always have high expectations for email. In the back of my mind, there's an irrational, tiny, monstrous feeling that today might be the day for the email that will change my life."
I feel this way, every time I'm deprived of my computer I get this feeling like what if I'm missing something important. What if there's an email that is life changing? It's not that I'm expecting something, or anything for that matter, but what if?

"I am a professional single woman...an emerging trend of people who prefer to be single rather than settle."
I think this explains why I'm single. I'm single because I'm not going to settle for anyone or anything that is less than all I want and need. I'm single because I've made a conscious decision to care about myself and my happiness and I'm not going to fill a mythical void just to satisfy a quota.

"A first date must end with a kiss. If not, it's just an appointment."
We all know the deal here, the constant confusion of is it a date or not?

"To answer your (unspoken) questions: No, I haven't met anyone lately. I haven't been on any dates, and there's no one 'special' in my life that I'm holding out on you. Of course I want to meet someone. Naturally, I'm making efforts to put myself out there. And no, I'm not being stubborn or holding my standards unreasonably high. Yes, I want a life partner. Yes, I want to meet someone and fall madly, deeply, truly in love. And yes, I know my clock is ticking, and that does make me nervous. So there you have it. It's that straightforward."

"Yes, I have moments of uncertainty, but I'm not becoming that crazy cat lady."

"The notion that marriage is the most important piece of a woman's destiny...before you could be a partner, you had to become your own person."
This is so often missed or overlooked. Be yourself first and worry about the rest later.

"First of all, unless you're dating a midget, man stuff is huge."
This is so true. Just a few little items of is can take up your entire apartment and throw everything out of order.

"I cry anew, now because I am drunk and also so thankful that I have friends who will mix me cocktails and promise to leave their cell phones on all night when I am at my lowest."
My friends are everything to me. They always make me smile and they never fail to lift my spirits.

"If you're really unlucky, they'll ask you to recite a poem at their wedding. That's just what i want to do - monitor my drinking until I'm done with my public service announcement."
Ha! Please, please don't ask me to speak at your wedding. We all know that I like my drinks and that I hate poetry!

"I want to continue to have sexual adventures, but with someone by my side, someone who can experience them with me and enhance that experience."
This makes me feel at ease. I completely agree. Although adventures are always nice, it's never as nice as doing something with someone who truly matters.

"I never feel like I want to go to sleep after fucking him. I feel like I want to hump the furniture."

"I can always just pick up and go. I like it like this."
The lack of clutter in my life allows me to feel free to do what I want, when I want and with who I choose. I like this and I don't know if I'll ever be able to sacrifice this feeling.

"Fear of desertion comes with the territory of loving someone."
Here I thought it was just some weird thing that was wrong with me.

"One of the challenges of marriage is to learn how to live with a person and integrate that person into your life."
Sometimes you have to stop and wonder if adding someone new changes things. It doesn't have to. You can have it all, you just have to understand yourself enough to balance it.

"Nothing can match the peacefulness that comes from knowing that I am solely responsible for the life I create, and that with each passing year I seem to be closer to 'getting it right'."

"I want a man as nice as my retarded dog, but one that doesn't crap on the floor...who will hold back my hair when I puke."

Call me crazy...but the wisdom that comes with being single is unmatched by anything else in the world.

Cruelty Case

Okay so Pepe...this dog was making my heart bleed, I wasn't sure if I could take him in and financially make it work but I just couldn't see this little guy put down... so I bit the bullet and figured I could use my Christmas bonus from my boss if I had to. Then - out of no where I'm getting emails about him. A woman who is adopting one of the puppies just donated $50 and a foster emailed me about donating $50. It's like when I think man kind is evil and there is no hope at all, I'm shown a light...amazing!!!

Gay American

Sexuality is so vastly complex and compelling, an unavoidable part of being a human animal, and yet shrouded in mystery. Sexuality is an interplay of desire and denial, fantasy and reality with a complex physical and biological template tangled with an equally complicated cultural overlay.[1]

“The Sotadic Zone” by Sir Richard Burton proposes the idea that homosexuality is not racial, genetic or moral based and that homosexuality is actually a geographic result. “The Sotadic Zone” argues that within this geographical area of the world (including all of North America), the gender differences between men and women are fewer and this results in a confusion of sexuality among the masses and ultimately leads to an increase in the number of individual who are homosexual.
Burton argues that “within the Sotadic Zone there is a blending of the masculine and feminine temperaments, a crasis which elsewhere occurs only sporadically” (204). This argument is used to say that homosexuality is more concentrated in areas of the Sotadic zone. Burton’s ideas of sexuality are drastically different from those we have seen up unto this time period. Burton’s idea of sexuality as a geographic result instead of an innate feature of gender, as previously believed, creates a new idea surrounding how one comes to their own sexual identity. Burton’s theory would assume that being born and raise in a specific area of the world would make you more or less likely to be homosexual. Although this is not the modern conclusion, it does hold true in part.
Sheri Winston in “A New Paradigm For Our Times” states that sexual identity is, in part, a result of the cultural overlay one is exposed to. This idea is similar to Burton’s understanding of sexuality as geographic area greatly contributes to the cultural experience of an individual. Burton’s forward thinking ideas help to move individual away from the focus on gender as the sole reasoning behind sexuality and more towards the modern belief of sexuality through a combination of experiences and genetic influences.

[1] Winston, Sheri. “A New Paradigm For Our Times.” Wholistic Sexuality. 2003: 105-117.

Just Another Crazy Day

So, life has now begun to again require a blog. A space to put my thoughts on "paper" and a place to reconsider those crazy thoughts.
Today has been all around odd. It all began around lunch time when I decided to run to the bank. On my way I ever so kindly turned on my car blinker and attempted to change lanes. However, the individual in the spot I wanted didn't want to let me in, so I of course forced my way in. He then proceeded to follow me to the stop light where he decided he'd like to fight me. No joke! He, a white male in his late twenties was going to start a physical fight with me, a small girl in her early twenties who just needed to change lanes and didn't intend to make anyone upset. He rolled down his window and honked, he raised his fists, rolled down his window and began to pound on his chest like Tarzan. Following this brief but rather stunning encounter I then ventured to the great almighty Subway for lunch...and to my shock and dismay - Subway was "out of white bread."
This is clearly a day where I should stop, drop everything and return to bed. But, being the dare devil that I am, I decide to continue my ventures. I return to work and begin to check my emails. Bad idea! I had emailed an individual the prior day starting that I didn't feel my dog rescue had a place for the dog he was hoping to surrender. This individual had decided to email me back. Normally I would get a kind thank you and a suggestion of where to continue the search for a rescue group that might take the dog. But not on this day, this day was something straight out of a comic book...he had decided (are you noticing a trend here - another male, I wonder why I'm a feminist?) to write me back and state "Oh well, if you won't take the dog that's fine. I own a pistol."
Where's the trash can? I need to vomit!