The Unattractive

This world is filled with unattractive people. I never really noticed til now...I am surrounded by unattractive people. No one looks good, I have no interest in dating those people. I went on a few dates this week and IT SUCKED. None of them are him and none feel right. They aren't even half as right as him.

I make mistakes, I'm human...any yet...shouldn't someone who cares for you be willing to help you learn from that and improve on it?

CRUSHED!

Just breath...that's where I'm at. The crying is still hard to control but breathing is getting easier.
I miss him like a mad woman. I called and cancelled my rock climbing lesson today...well not really...I just keep telling myself I need to. I could always just no show on Saturday and that's the same as cancelling - just different. I had wanted to learn some stuff so I could go with him and make him proud. No such luck and although I'd still like to try it, I think now is not the best time for that. I don't need any more reminders of him. He's on my mind all the time already. I really thought I'd found the person I was ment to be with. I thought if only he's be opening in his feelings we'd be perfect, and I mean PERFECT.
Right now I just need to remember to put one foot in front of the other and keep going...like I always do.

The Love of my Life

Have you ever thought you'd found someone you were going to marry? Have a baby with? Love forever? And then watched them turn their back and walk away from you? I have. I'm now scared, alone and completely confused. How can something that felt so right...be...so wrong. I wasn't aware that I could be that happy. He showed me a little bit of perfection and the life I really wanted and then left me.
There was so little I didn't like about him. I liked his rock climbing, his desire to be a photographer, his love for his dog, his compassion and want to do something to make himself happy. I'm just really heartbroken that his happiness doesn't include me.

Wow! I put my heart on the line and I'm broken. I guess I should know better by now but I don't. I met this amazing guy who made me want to give our relationship everything I had and he dumped me. Ouch! I'm devistated to say the least, shocked to add on that...and yet I feel like I should have known better. The second I start to trust someone this happens, I just should have known better.
I thought I could tell him how I felt and he'd get it...guess not. I thought he'd be long term...guess not.
My heart will bleed for a while, my eyes will certainly be swollen for a while...but really I'm just angry at myself because I knew better - fate never works in my favor.

Just Another Let Down

Forgive the rant...
Every time I try to do something special, it always backfires and I end up really angry. Like tonight...I made a mistake - I put faith in the guy I'm seeing. Perhaps unwarrarented trust. He said let's do dinner at 7:30 and I had no real reason not to trust in that but when 7:30 came around, he texted to say, let's make it 8:30. At 8:30 I found myself sitting in front of the fire alone...go figure. By 9 o'clock I was still waiting and now very angry because I've been dressed up in a cute little dress with flashy makeup and heels for my dog. Chewy appreciates my efforts and thank goodness someone does. Tomorrow, I took the day off work hoping to spend the morning in bed with the guy I'm head over heels for...instead I'll spend my morning alone in bed with Chewy. We'll cuddle and I'll tell him how much I adore him. I have a dog because he can be relied upon and Chewy will never let me down.

The Great Tribal Leader Speaks

Oh Wise One, you speak such great words!
Last night I had a much needed conversation with the Great Wise One. I was frustrated with the idea of art. I had come to the conclusion that I felt this way because it has no value, it's meaningless. Art doesn't bring anything to the world that makes it better or makes a real difference. Art makes me angry because individuals (in my opinion) waste (yes WASTE) time on it. Time that could be spent making a real hands-on difference in the lives of those around us. In my free time, I don't draw or write...I save dogs because it makes a difference and when it stops making a difference to me, I will move on to some other form of meaning.
I called the Great Wise One to vent in the myst of my melt down. The Great Wise One brought me a light. She explained to me that it isn't the art that is beautiful, I don't have to like the art. It's that which is within the art that has meaning and value. Someone spent time created that something that is now being observed and it was meaningful to that one person who spent that time. The art is not the beauty, it is the subject that is the beauty and it is not the art that is to be immortal, it is the subject frozen in that art.
The Great Wise One brings such meaningful words to this world. I am moved and forever will see art differently.

Female Sexuality

In both Eliza Haywood’s Fantomina (published in 1725) and John Cleland’s Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure (published in 1749), the body and female sexuality are depicted as adaptable and able to fit into the surrounding environment. The use of false imagery as a way of projecting one’s self as a different individual and different social status is seen as standard and ordinary during the 18th century. However, in Fantomina this ability to adapt is viewed in a negative light and leads her to be seen as an unfit woman who is too free with her body. Ultimately Fantomina’s ability to adapt her body to the desires of others, leads to the protagonist’s fall from grace and banishment from normal society.[1] Whereas, in Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure, though the protagonist attempts to experience freedom of the body through sexual promiscuity, she is never truly able to escape from her basic nature and ultimately returns to the image she originally chose to portray (a docile and well mannered female). This drastic contrast in the outcome of the characters can lead to a better understanding of how each author portrayed female sexuality and ultimately the body through their use of characters. The changing female form is established and ultimately can help readers to conclude that female sexuality is constantly undergoing change and has not yet solidified in a single meaning and perhaps it never will.
In Eliza Haywood’s Fantomina, Fantomina is a girl attempting to maintain the interest of a man she desires. In order to do this she must take over the roles of several very different women in an attempt to keep him craving more. The idea that women are able to create their own sexuality in this strict and fleeting society is a concept that dominates throughout the novel (although ultimately is overruled by the societal norms). Haywood describes the male sex as unable to “prolong Desire, to any great Length after Possession” (50). The idea that the male is only interested in the new and exciting helps to force the female to attempt to achieve this goal in order to maintain his interest. It was described that “the Widow Bloomer was a more new acquaintance than Fantomina, and therefore esteem’d more valuable” (60). The idea that the female who has been around the longest does not serve the same purpose or intrigue as a new one, aids readers to a better understanding of Fantomina’s constant need to alter her physical appearance and thus take on an entirely new identity again and again.
Through the use of Fantomina and her various personas, the prolonging of desire can be established in a very unique form. Fantomina is able to alter her physical appearance to such a degree as to change the way in which others perceived her and thus is able to use her body to establish her social position. This ability allows her to put herself into situations which are outside of her class (both above and below). This is depicted when Fantomia is reflecting on the ways in which she has previously encountered Beausplaisir and how he has come to view her differently when she has changed her physical appearance “She had often seen him in the Drawing-Room, had talk’d with him; but then her Quality and reputed Virtue kept him from using her with that Freedom she now expected he wou’d do” (42). In stepping outside of the preset societal boundaries, Fantomina is able to interact with individuals on a variety of levels and experience things that would have otherwise been deemed unallowable. The use of the body as a tool towards blending into society is strongly characterized through Fantomina’s various portrayals. In one interaction with Beauplasir, Fantomina finds herself being pursued by him in accordance with the position he thinks her to be, “then pulling her gently to him, ask’d her…Questions, befitting one of the Degree she appear’d to be” (53). Had her body been portrayed in a different light (such as her true class standing), the experience in its entirety would have been altered. Beauplasir would most likely have ignored her as he had done so many times. Being that he thought her to be an individual below himself, he took liberties with Fantomina that he had until this time avoided.
Throughout Fantomina, the ability of the female to change into the desires of her male counterpart are shown as the ultimate way to maintain attraction and desire. Through change of the body and physical appearance Fantomia is able to change her social rank, position, and personality. The body is presented as the key to shaping identity. This view is in contrast to the idea exhibited in John Cleland’s Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure. In Cleland’s Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure, the main character, Francis Hill, is unable to escape her body through all her efforts and ultimately leads a circular journey which results in her finding herself in the same position she attempts to escape at the beginning of the novel.[2] The idea that body is outside of class and social rank is expressed in this novel.
Cleland informs us that “we may say what we please, but those we can be the easiest and freest with, are ever those we like, not to say love the best” (81). The idea that we are drawn to individuals who make us work the least to be who we are is key to understanding Francis. If one has to work at appearing to be something, Cleland suggests that we are less likely to be attracted to that person. Although Francis plays the part of many different individuals, she is ultimately of one class and never able to escape from that ranking. The idea that the mind and the body are two entirely separate entities plays through in various times throughout the novel. For example, the notion that “objects which afright us, when we cannot get from them, draw our eyes as forcibly as those that please us” (101). At this point in the novel, Francis finds herself staring uncontrollably at the male genitalia; she is entirely unable to look away, not because she likes it but because she finds it fascinating and rare. If an individual were in complete control of their body, they would be able to look away from things they did not wish to see. But, being that the body is ultimately in charge of the brain, we are drawn and forced to experience that which we might rather not.
In the conclusion of Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure, Francis finds herself intertwined with her true love, Charles. Their bond although physical is so complicated and deep that she describes it as “I was him, and he, me” (184). After spending the entire novel searching for a means of being self-sufficient and independent Francis succumbs to her inner-most wants and gives herself entirely over to a man both physically and emotionally when she is reunited with Charles. In marrying Charles, Francis is ultimately giving up her entire financial independence and all that she has worked to achieve. The strong Francis that was once depicted is almost instantly turned into a glowing, soft, docile, female. This idea helps readers to understand that Cleland truly feels that the body is able to control our social and economical identities. Had Francis not been under the control of her body, she would not have accepted Charles back and continued to pursue her desires of being rich and merry. Instead, she is instantly turned into the female identity which she originally found herself attempting to escape.
The two very unique views depicted in Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure and Fantomina help readers to better understand two of the ways the body can be viewed. However, being that the body and our concepts regarding the body is constantly changing and adapting, the views of the 18th century are unlikely to be those we encounter in our every day life.

[1] In the end of the novel, Fantomina is sent to a convent.
[2] In the beginning of the novel Francis is attempting to become self-sufficient, strong and independent.