I've always thought I was meant to be single. Not because I'm destined to be alone or anything of the sort - but because I'm okay with being single and being in a relationship just seems to be...well...________(insert proper description here).
If I was ever meant to spend the rest of life with someone, it would be Steve. He's truly the prince charming I've always wanted. But...there are downsides too and I just can't deal with those. For example, he doesn't trust me...at all!!! I've never been more in love, loyal or happy with someone and yet at every turn I'm being asked "where were you at lunch?," "who texted you?" and all those lovely controlling questions that get you no where but isolated - and that's exactly what I feel with him now. I don't feel like I'm in a relationship - I feel like I'm in a battle. I'm battling for him to see me for me, accept what I'm telling him and trust me. As we all know...I don't battle well and thus...I'm destined to be single.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Ghost of Boyfriends Past
Have you ever been cheated on? For the last seven years I believed whole heartedly that I had been. When it had first happened, I was devistated and felt like the world had ended. Eventually, Fernando and I agreed that we could move past it. The thing was, I couldn't. I continued to internally hate him for what I thought he had done to me. I ruined us slowly, as a way of hating him and as a way of hating myself for what had happened.
Back to modern day. My boyfriend was texting his ex and when I asked about it...he lied. Why? Why do you think? The situation screams cheater. But...the issue isn't him. The issue is me and that fact that I absolutely can't deal with lying.
I have worked very hard on my overall health and feeling healthy from the inside out. Although I've always know that the Fernando situation had taken a very big toll on my ability to trust whole-hearted. I thought I was making great steps towards building a relationships that was honest, strong and healthy. After this little incident I realized that I have a lot of personal healing left to do. A little lie (as I keep telling myself it was...and it may very well have been), has brought up some very tough and old scars that although I don't want to deal with...I know that I am finally at a point in my life that I am ready to deal with them.
Oh, and I did I mention that Fernando never actually cheated on me.
Back to modern day. My boyfriend was texting his ex and when I asked about it...he lied. Why? Why do you think? The situation screams cheater. But...the issue isn't him. The issue is me and that fact that I absolutely can't deal with lying.
I have worked very hard on my overall health and feeling healthy from the inside out. Although I've always know that the Fernando situation had taken a very big toll on my ability to trust whole-hearted. I thought I was making great steps towards building a relationships that was honest, strong and healthy. After this little incident I realized that I have a lot of personal healing left to do. A little lie (as I keep telling myself it was...and it may very well have been), has brought up some very tough and old scars that although I don't want to deal with...I know that I am finally at a point in my life that I am ready to deal with them.
Oh, and I did I mention that Fernando never actually cheated on me.
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