The Name Game

I've got to start keeping names straight!!
First, let me start with a short, totally unrelated story. I had my first day of work at my new job today. I helped host the Maria Shriver Book Signing. It was a great event. It was private for our top donors and about 100 people were invited. There were free books and of course the lady was there to sign them. There were wonderful wines and great food pairing. It was a pretty event and overall a great turn out. I, of course, haven't helped to host a formal event in about four years and I forgot the importance of comfy shoes. So as I paraded around in my high heels I wondered if my feet were bleeding. At the end of the event, I took them off to walk back to the parking lot...can you just picture me, strolling down Capitol Avenue with my cute skirt, argyle shirt and my high heels in hand...hahaha!
Back to names...so after this event, I went over to Brandon's new home. It was nice. We put on some music, broke out a bottle of Kendall-Jackson and sat down on his extra long couch. We chatted about life, changes and stuff. We haven't seen each other since January so there was much to be talked about. It was a nice time. At one point, I accidentally called him Brian. To which, he didn't catch on, but I have to admit that I was rather distrubed by the whole thing!

My Nephew, My Love

Skyler is able to capture my entire awe at him in such simple moments. He is currently exploring ideas of death and I have to admit that I didn't think it was something kids thought about or talked about at his age unless actually confronted with it. However, Skyler has come to see death as a form of time out. He gets very angry when you bring up someone who has died he says "yeah and then they stick them in a box and don't feed them." He means that they place them in a coffin (a box) and he's right...they don't feed them. The fact that is 110% child makes me enjoy him all the more. What an amazing thing it is to experience life for the first time!

I Am The Filter

When I date, I've found that I filter out the weak with my completely insane personality and wild taste in...things.
For example, Brad came over last night for our very first movie night together. Hahahaha! I warned him that I'm very bad at picking movies. We started with "Trailer Park Boys- The Movie" and when that got to be just too bad, we switched to "Super Bad." Mind you, I LOVE that movie but it was completely inappropriate for a first movie night. It was rather funny how odd the whole thing seemed. I kept trying to force alcohol on him so that he wouldn't seem so nervous and instead he thought I was trying to get him drunk for my own benefit...it was comical. I enjoyed it! :) HAHAH! If you he doesn't run away now, then he just might have more potential than I gave him credit for.
Mind you, Brad's entirely different from anyone I've EVER dated. He wants to get to know me as a friend first and then we'll go from there. He haven't kissed, we haven't gone that route at all. I know he's interested in me like that and yet I know that he cares more about who I am than anything else. I'm so use to guys just wanting to jump my bones and worrying about getting to know me for me later that this is a total breath of fresh air. It's so exciting that I'm both intimidated and confused by it. I want this but at the time I'm just not use to it and change can always be scary.

Working on a List

I'm making a dating 10 commandments...I'm not doing that good, but here's what I've got so far:
1. Drive yourself to your first date (you may need to make a quick escape).
2. Never accept a date from a guy who wants the first date to be at a bar!
3. Don’t date a guy who has no contact with his ex-girlfriends (there’s probably a reason they want nothing to do with him).
4. Don’t date a guy who lives with his ex-girlfriend!
5. After the date, if he waits more than 2 days to call and isn’t out of the country, sick or dead, write him off and move on – he’s just not that into you.
6. If there’s no kiss by date three, odds are that he’s on his way out.
7. Listen to what those around him say about him. Good things, bad things?

Another Good Saturday

I just got home from rafting the south fork. It was a beautiful day on the water. It was a chilly when you were in but when you aren't in the water it was hot. The river wasn't very busy so it made the experience all that much better.
Two thumbs up for another good Saturday!!
Now, I've made dinner and I'm kicking back with Chewy.

Phone Call of the Month

I got a great phone call today...Josh called!! He missed me and wanted to chat. It was great to hear from him, he always is such a joy. He adds zest to my life in ways that make sense. I miss getting to go to lunch with him and share a big fat cookie! It really made my day a good degree better.

Enjoying Summer

I had this grand plan that I'd stick without a job and live off my savings for the summer...you know, rafter, bike, hike, climb, yoga and just do anything I want all day during the sunny times. But...as life goes I got a kick butt job offer and I'm unfortunately gonna have to take it. I'll be making more money, have great benefits, work less than I already do and hopefully really enjoy the job. I'm excited that I'm getting the chance to shift in good directions but I'm a little bummed that I'm not gonna get to be a total lazy slob all summer. Oh well!

Frozen Moment of the Year Award

Sure life is weird, but sometimes the weirdness can overwhelm. Today was one of those days. I went to look at a room for rent in the fabulous 40's. It was a guy, we had agreed to meet at a local coffee shop...so, as I sat there waiting for him to arrive, I read my book. Then I found, standing in front of me...no joke...a guy I had met drunk at a bar one night. A guy I had refused to give my telephone number to but had somehow argreed to email instead. Get this!! That night after the bar, crazy man sent me weird pictures of him...now I sat there in a coffee shop, with this completely off the way stranger in front of me.
He had no clue who I was but that didn't matter since I knew exactly who he was. AHHH! This moment in my day has won the frozen moment of the year award. I have been officially tramatized...will I ever get over it?

Flowing...

I'm flowing, you know...going with the flow of what comes my way. This means that things are changing in a million directions. First off, I'm not moving to Maine. Secondly, I am moving out of my apartment and so I have to find a new place...ASAP. Third, I am still quitting my job so I need to find something new...lastly, I'm taking the summer to be a bum and I'm not planning to work full time (or part time really).
Don't ask how this all came about, but let's say - it's good, it's cool, it's right.

Confusion Rains

I'm so confused right now that it's sending my emotions into a bit of whirl wind. I'm trying to stay focus and grounded and I'm doing okay but if I stop and think about life...I start to get scared.

I have a lot of stuff on my mind...friends, family, new friends, new dating interests, and a giant move. I know that it's God's will and I'm suppose to be doing this right now I just need to take a step back and make sure that I'm putting all my faith in him and letting him do what's right. When you try to take control yourself, things get all messed up.

It's just hard. I want to spend time with Elisha, Stacey and Nicole but they have a lot going on and I'm worried about leaving in eight days with little time with them. Then, there's my family who I haven't gone to Woodland to visit in a month, Yikes! Then there's Brad...which I don't know what I'm doing there since I barely know the guy and I have to take off. I hate to see him fade into the background. My apartment is nearly packed, I'm almost done...it's just a matter of moving everything now.

Life

Things are changing and yes I'm scared. I'm terrified of leaving California for the six months I will be gone. I feel like my life was really coming together and now I have to drop everything and pick it up again. Start over, again.
I want to do this because I know it's God's will and it's what I'm suppose to be doing, I just have to get over my own emotions associated with the whole thing. I know I'm coming back and six months is really no time at all...but something in my gut wants to hold onto the past and I just can't, I know...I need to move forward, that's the direction the world goes in.

Happy and Tired

Brad and I hung out tonight. It was a grand time. His friends were wonderful. I don't remember the last time I felt so at ease with someone else's friends...in fact, I think it's safe to say...maybe never.
We had mucho hot tub time which was good, my muscles actually aren't sore any more. Yippee!
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On much sadder note, Wally went home today. My house sure feels empty. I miss him! I miss his kisses, his spunk, his required love and his unaltered faith in me. I love that little guy. I hope that he's happy and well cared for with Brian or I'll just completely lose my mind!

Physical Edge

For the first time...maybe ever...I hit my physical edge yesterday.
I went to Pipe Works to do some climbing. Brad had me start on a 5-8 high wall and by the time I got to the ground, my arms were completely toasted! We then went over and attempted some bouldering, it was pointless for me, my arms were already done. I attempted a few V0- spots and they didn't work, I got one V0 out but then my arms called it a night. It sucked because I really wanted to climb more but my body just didn't want to. Does that ever happen to you? Do you ever hit your physical edge and get really frustrated by the fact that you can't do whatever it is that you want to? Anyway, Brad and I then hit the slack line, which I sucked at too. It just wasn't my day for that environment, I was aggravated by the whole thing since I wanted to do it all...but...nooooooo...at least I was in good company. That sure did make a huge difference.
Today, my arms are still sore but in a different way. I know I can't climb for a few days and that sucks but oh well, really I should be learning to treat my body with more respect. I guess this is just God's way of forcing that on me, huh?
Oh yeah, I saw Cinnamon yesterday and we had a nice good chat. She noticed some stuff about me that I already knew and wanted to mention to her, stuff that's kinda new this week...it was funny that she could tell without me even mentioning it. She's good!
Saturday I get to finally see the girls again, I can't wait...I miss their company. They always have great things to talk about and my experiences with them are always so positive. I need more of that in my life.
I schedule for my job in Maine arrived last night. It looks like I'm going to be allllllllll over the state. It's rather crazy when I look at it, but I know it'll be a lot of fun.

A Rant

It is time for one of my famous rants...
Dear women's restroom users,
I understand that you are in a rush, I get that you have better things to do. But, it would mean so much to me if you could do as your mother taught you and flush your toilet. I'm not asking that much, just one flush, two need not be completed. Don't just tap the handle, please pause and watch the glory of your creation disappear before your eyes. Enjoy the magic of the toilet.
If you could find the time to simply complete this task it would make me that much cheerier. I would no longer find myself checking stall after stall for a clean place to sit. I would no longer have the unfortunate chance of viewing...well...the rather unpleasant sights I've seen.
Do you think this is asking too much? If so, I ask that you please return to the barn in which you were raised or find a bush outside to defecate on. It only seems fair that the humane individuals ought to enjoy the privilege of the bathroom and that the more animalistic among us, ought not.

Update to March 26th Posting

On March 26th I announced that I had 52 pages of writing to complete in just 25 days. I would like to provide an update on my completely insane writing requirements.
As of today, I have 13 days to complete:
1 Virginia Woolf paper of at least 5 pages still gotta do that...
1 The Grass is Singing paper of at least 7 pages still gotta do that...
1 Virginia Woolf paper of at least 14 pages (not be over lapped with the first paper) only 2 pages left here...thank God!
1 Annotated bibliography for King Lear paper DONE!!
1 Shakespeare's King Lear paper of at least 12 pages still gotta do that...
1 Shakespeare's The Tempest paper of at least 4 pages DONE!!
1 Black Elk Speaks paper of at least 3 pages DONE!!
1 Upton Sinclair paper on The Jungle of at least 3 pages still gotta do that...
1 Paper on The Bluest Eye of at least 3 pages DONE!!

That means that in 13 days, I need to complete...29 pages...urrrrggggggggg!

Flirting

Call it what you will - bubbly, flirty, perky...it all boils down to the way that you want to describe it. The other day a girl in one of my classes said "I really appreciate that you're always so perky," I took that as a compliment. But, today when the office staff awarded me Ms. California Flirt 2008 and recommended that I open my own studio to teach people flirting techniques, I was EMBARASSED! Perhaps it was because they are people I work with. Perhaps it was the way that they spent an hour talking about various encounters where they felt I was flirting (all of which weren't actually me flirting...scarily enough). In the end, it was a fun time, I just thought that I had tamed it down a lot as of late.

Fernando once told me "your personality is flirt. You flirt with EVERYONE, male and female. You just flirt." After that I tried to control who I was flirting with to not send the wrong signals...apparently I still haven't nailed that one. I like to think that the guys I actually flirt with can tell the difference.

Climbing

I went today out at Consumnes River Gorge. It was awesome!! It completely kicked ass. There were a few things to consider though...
1 - (In case you didn't know or remember) I'm terrified of heights;
2 - I almost died on at least 2 occasions.
Anyway, the climbing was great, the group rocked, the weather was amazing...! I feel like I'm in pretty good shape but though rocks sure kicked a good one. I'm a bit scratched up but nothing to whine about. I'm also a bit sunburned even though I wore plenty of sunscreen. Oh well...
After top roping we took on some good bouldering and went down to the river. The water was rushing white and stunning. The rocks were in the shade where we went and there nice and cool (of course the water was freezing but refreshing). We had to boulder our way back up and that took a bit more muscle but somehow seemed easier.
On our ride back down from the gorge we stopped at a little market to grab ice cream and cold drinks. It was comical because the building was made of these large rocks so Brad and Ryan went "buildering" (hahaha, new word of the day).
Adventures come highly recommended in my book...so get out there and live!

Blessed

Have I mentioned how blessed I am lately? I am. I have sooooo much and feel like I truly give far too little. I'll share more about my day in a minute but...can you imagine...right now it's 8pm and I'm sitting in my amazing apartment after an hour long chat with my mother. My little dogs are hanging out, I've had a great day...and then I get a knock on my door. It's a man and normally I won't open to someone I don't know but it kinda looked like Brian or Christian so I opened the door. The man said, "I'm your neighbor and I noticed your porch light was out. Do you have it off or is your bulb out cause I'd like to replace it if so." OH MY GOD! Yes, I needed a new bulb. Right now, this amazing man is changing my porch light. What an awesome thing!

Paintball

I just got home from 10 hours of paintball and I'm bruised!!! Big purple spots all over my legs and back. WOW!!! It was a blast! We played two different types. On where we got to run around in the woods and hope that no one saw or found us. Another where we had a course and had to hide behind tires and stuff. It was crazy wild. I got to shoot people and run, hide, crawl in the dirt...I had a great time enjoying something I wasn't sure I'd like at all.
Did mention that I have a huge crush on someone new? Someone who I want to work out. He's super kind hearted, given, adenturous and so many other great things I can list of hours. Oh, and he's SMOKING hot. Normally I would say that I don't stand a chance with someone like him. But, I've got this renewed self-confidence and I feel like I could date anyone I want and not be jealous or insecure. I think I'm at a place in my life where I can finally feel stable with someone who is worthy, but they have to worthy or it isn't gonna work. Anyway, we'll be hanging out tomorrow too so...if things go good, I think I'm gonna ask him out. Can you believe that? I've never asked a guy out but this one just might be worth it. I know I'm leaving in a matter of weeks but I feel like there is something pulling me to at least get to know him better, if it's meant to be it will work...whether that's now or in the future...I don't know...but...let's just see...

Fuck the Comfort Zone

I have this very comfy place I like to live...it's safe, it's soft...no pain involved. Well, today I get the very unwelcomed priviledge of stepping outside of my comfort zone. My boss has asked me to call the nine people we interviewed this week and let them know that they didn't get the job. I'm not a confrontational person and this is perhaps the hardest thing any employer has EVER asked me to do. But, I'm doing it with confidence and without hesitation because I know that I need to learn to say "Fuck you" to my comfort zone.

After dialing, I've decided I ought to say:
“Hello, we appreciate you coming in to interview and wasting both your time and ours. We feel strongly that we have selected a good candidate and that is very much not you. We don’t really wish you the best of luck, but we hope that you find employment elsewhere so that you can begin to pay your taxes and be a contributing member of society. Good ridden and goodbye.”

Sex Positive

So someone was talking today about women who are sex negative and women who are sex positive. I found this concept to be very interesting. It's like, are you HIV+? Are you sex positive?
Although, the meaning is actually do you enjoy sex and are you actively involved in it...are you sex positive? Interesting term huh? I like it, I think that idea of someone being sex positive says something bold about their bedroom behaviors and their person views of sexuality. Do you enjoy your partner for instance? That makes a huge difference on sex and if a person is going to be sex positive in their relationship. If you don't enjoy your partner or like them even...odds are that you are going to be plain sex or sex negative (not the same thing, but simply other options). How do you classify yourself?

Inner Me

Since my complete let go of all those irrational feelings I've held onto, like stupid fears and insecurities...I've found the inner me. I have exciting news about inner me. Inner me is popular and exciting. I was always so afraid of groups and new people. I hated being judged and so I avoided situations that would allow others to judge me. Well, I've stopped caring about those things and I've let that fear go 110%. As a result, it seems that people who are good and fun, friendly and exciting are drawn to me. I have some really great new friends and today it was like the world was begging for tiny pieces of me. At one point, ten people called within the hour. People who just wanted to share their days, their joys, their frustrations...people who didn't actually want anything from me, other than my ear and my thoughts, my friends.
I've found that in allowing the inner me to shine and be what it is, I am happier and shockingly, people like me more. Who would have thought?

Technology Is Not Your Friend

I am having the absolute worst time figuring out a video disc formatting onto computer...grrr....grrr....grrr....I've been trying since late lastnight and it's just not working. I have to present this disc for a grade tomorrow and I feel like such a whiner but..."I can't do it." Mind you I said that in the most nasally voice I could produce.
HELP!
Where are my brilliant friends when I need them most?

David & Profs

Two distinct ideas...completely...unrelated:

I had a nice sit down with dear David today (the first one we've EVER had of this sort, it was rather odd because we were both so nervous at first...it was like we were sitting in this room that was far too big for our two souls). It wasn't intended to be this all knowing very insightful conversations but at the end it was...I can't believe that in only 20 days I'll be heading across the country to perhaps...never talk with him again. How very sad, and yet...so true to all that he's taught me about life. I think it's safe to say that I love him. I do...in my own special way. He'd probably die laughing if I said that. He's convinced that I am secretly plotting the world to kill him...hehehe...dear dear dear David.
Today, it was silly because although we sat down originally to talk about some very specific things on my mind, things I needed to acknowledge in his presence - the conversation ended with him insisting that I needed to stand firm in my own beliefs and really not allow others to push my thoughts in various directions. It was comical to where I'm at in my life. Go figure!
David - thoughtful, kind, true, full of heart...
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On a totalllllllllyyyyy different note...I think I need to stop getting the hots for my Professors. There is a very specific subject matter that whenever I take a course in it, I always feel attracted to the instructor. I need to stop that. Major stop that! This Professor in particular isn't hot at all, but today I found myself looking at him and thinking...does he work out? Yikes! I won't even continue that stream of thought...

Interviews

Today began the week long parade of individuals attempting to take my job. We're interviewing 12 people of the 125+ resumes we received. Today we interviewed three people...the first, was informed by my boss that she should be responsible for hole punching all his papers. As I attempted to hide my face and laugh, I realized how silly life is. I don't JUST hole punch papers all day. I think it's funny that my boss considers that a major part of my job.
The second person, was informed by my boss that we have an HRA card. The HRA card is like a visa card for medical expenses. During her interview, my boss realized something and felt the need to share it with her. He asked her "do you think I could take my HRA card to Long's or Walmart and buy some wine?" Again, I find myself hiding my head in laughter.
The third person will fit right in though. She arrived 20 minutes late with a smile on her face. That's exactly how this office functions and I give her two thumbs up!!
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On a different note, I've reflected on this job a bit. This job has seen me through 3 apartments, 2 "serious" boyfriends, and 2 niece/nephew births. I'll miss this place it's silly antics. It's been good to me and I hope the next person who comes here is good to it.

It's More Real Each Day

Life seems to get more real each day. The more time I spend reflecting and really focusing on staying the present, the more...I'm here! It's amazing!
Today I spent time packing my stuff. I almost finished one room. My trip to Maine is starting to get very real. It's strange but the one "thing" I'm gonna miss most is...Wally! Hahaha! That dog brings so much joy into my heart.
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On a different note, I'm starting to really believe in Karma. Watch out cause karma doesn't play games and if you are not behaving, it will totally come and kick your ass!
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I went and saw "Run Fat Boy Run" tonight. I went by myself. Yeah for me! It was a good time. I treated myself to a wonderful night and enjoyed myself thoroughly. I need to take myself out more often.

Love Theory

You know that jitter in the pit of your stomach you feel when you are in the process of falling for someone? That exciting flutter in your gut, the race in your heart? Well, I was presented with a new theory on that feeling and I'm very intrigued by it.
Consider this...love and fear feeling the same.
Fear causes the same response and the same fluttery feeling. So, what makes fear any different from love?
Perhaps what you were actually feeling when you were with that special someone wasn't love at all...but rather a fear...fear of losing them? Fear of losing yourself in them? Fear of something unexamined?
I think perhaps, I have to agree that fear and love feel very similar. I'm not sure I've taken the time in the past to see which one I'm actually feeling.

We Knew That Already

I've said it all along, having a boyfriend or a husband...lets say...a live in male partner, is way more work than any man realizes. That's why women "change" when you live with them. Today it was reported that a study by the University of Michigan showed "Having a husband creates an extra seven hours of housework each week for women." This explains why when we have mates, we are grouchier, tired more and overall unable to do more of the stuff we love. Gosh darn men! Clean your own shit and we'll be nicer people to be around.

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I'm exploring the non-existance of self. It's a rather interesting idea and I'd like to say that for me, self didn't begin to exist until about mid-March. I was getting closer and closer since January but in mid-March...more to come...when I feel like it...hehehe

Girl Chat

Today was a day for girl chat and gossip....loads of fun!
I got to spend some time with J.S. today. Random!! I haven't seen her in nine years and there she was today on J Street in Downtown. We spoke about everything from the sun to the ground and then exchanged info. We'll have to chat again before I leave. I know that I will certainly make time in my life for her. I want to catch up on her, she's a great person, a wonderful resource of information and worldly wisdom.
Next, I went to dinner with Elisha at Chevy's on the River. It was wonderful! We had a good time and so much to chat about. We can always chat until our throats are sore. We both are just talkative people. We shared some rather funny stories about pets, family and our ex's. It was great! She is a really unique person and one of those friends you just don't find all that often.
Last, I got to chat a little with Alena tonight. She's doing good...being herself of course. She might spend the summer in New York. That would kick ass since she'd be in just one state away from me. AMAZING! I sure hope that works out. I love getting to spend time with her and would certainly make the trip to the big city to see her if she ends up there.
Oh, today is Brandon's birthday. Did I mention that? I also emailed my buddy Josh to check in on his life. I love my guy pals. They sure are a core for me. They tell me the truth even when I don't wanna hear it. They are solid and real 100% of the time.

Shakes

The thing about gastroparesis is that for anything a normal person does, it takes someone with GP ten times as much effort. Today is one of those days. I spent my day helping the county shelter with an animal adoption event and at about noon I though my body was on the brink of collapse. I was having really bad hand tremors and my energy level is pretty much non-existent. I've had a lot of good days lately, but today I really felt the effects of low blood sugar and dehydration.
Sometimes I think it sure would be nice to trade bodies with someone else. Yet, I also know that few people would be able to suck it up and just keep going. There are so many people in the world who take the easy way out. People who would simply get disability and sit around their house...weak people. Although I'd love to do that, I know that deep down I'd be so miserable. Regardless of how shitty I feel or how much I'm shaking, I feel this deep something within me that screams for me to just keep going.

My Body is Incharge

I don't make decisions...my body does. Today I had to say "sorry, I didn't mean to fall asleep." Have you had that problem before? I haven't, at least that I remember. Although, today I was tired, very tired, my body didn't wanna stay awake any more...any it was only 2pm. HA!
My body decides a lot of things for me and I have to just go along with them all. It decides who I'm attracted to and who I'm not. When to eat, drink or sleep. When to crave something, what to crave...I could go on and on. Overall, my point is...sorry, I didn't mean to fall asleep...forgive me...it wasn't you, it really wasn't me either, it was 100% my body.

My New Job

My first day on the new job is May 1st. I'm starting to get excited. I got informed today that May 1st, the Director of Literacy and me are set to do something...apparently we're going to drive to Augusta to partake in a committee meeting focused on "how learning disabilities in adults influence all of our work. The commitee includes reps from adult education, labor department..."
I'm so excited! This is exactly what I've always wanted to do - help others, learn about programs that others can use and help people in need find those programs so that they can achieve their personal goals. I have a feeling I'm going to fall in love with the job. I just know it!

Shakespeare Causes Chronic Fatigue Syndrome

After spending four hours working on a Shakespeare group presentation it's safe to say I'm EXHAUSTED! We all showed up at noon thinking it would be super quick and simple. Four hours later, none of us had eaten, we were thirsty and dying to leave!!
But...there were good things too...Ryan and I had a good time making jokes, laughing and just...enjoying each other in our Shakespeare stupidity. Although at one point in time I accidentally called him "Brian" which didn't go over so well...oops! Hahaha! The names are just so close, it wasn't that I was thinking about anyone other than the person standing in front of me. He has such interesting stories, he's traveled to India, Asia and various other places. He thinks that Maine will be a fun adventure for me. I've been thinking about him more lately than would seem logical. He really brings out a me I like. I feel smart, funny and sexy around him. My jokes and wit seem so natural when he's around. It's odd that one person can make you feel things about yourself like that, any yet I know that when I'm around someone who doesn't make me feel that way...I don't really notice.