My Likes and Dislikes

I don't always accurately express my likes and dislikes. For example, sometimes I'll ask a question or sometimes I'll present an opposite opinion - it doesn't mean that's what I like. It means that I want you to tell me more, to tell me why that other opinion isn't valid...I want to learn from your thoughts and your thought process.
Another thing is that I feel a distinct need to pull away from anything that is "atypical" or "popular." This includes The Beatles, guitar, publishing and non-productive hobbies like painting, photography, creative writing...I like all those things I just get frustrated at the idea that I'm like everyone else and so I try to pull away and dislike those things. I like The Beatles! I love them in fact, I have a t-shirt with them on it and yet today I cringed when someone said their name...then I stopped and thought - no, I like that, I don't understand my own reaction there but it's not accurate. I also thought about how uncomfortable guitar's make me. Someone sitting around playing their guitar makes me on edge. It's so typical, it's so average and yet...I like it! In fact, the very first guy I ever really "fell" for was a bass player, so was the second and the third. Those weren't bad experiences...I'm just not representing my feelings currently here either.

I need to focus on expressing what I actually feelt. I need to work on accepting my dislikes and lkes independent of others. I don't care if it's common so why do I react? Something in me tells me to be different and not agree...am I afraid of being lost in the crowd? Me...of all people...hahaha!

From here on out, no more uncomfortable feelings about things I ligitmately like. I'm going to embrace them with open arms!! I need to start focusing on telling the truth to myself and taking that with openness.

So...Matt is playing in town this week and next. I've got a personal connect...so anyone who wants to go see him, let me know and you're in. Or you can just come hang out with a group of us and if we get lucky we may be able to convince him to play...hehehe...I think we'll get lucky, we normally do.

Oh SO Much to Share

School started today...there is just so much to talk about!


First off, the universe is playing a cosmic joke on me...hahahah...not funny! At school today there was this guy and he really caught my eye. I heard stuff about his winter break and it was great and interesting and I thought, yes...someone I want to see more of. Then I introduced myself and he said "Hi, I'm Brian."

I believe my response was "Oh fuck, I gotta go!"

Hate to say it, but...no more Brian's. I'm moving on to the C's in the alphabet - no more B's!!! I've dated two Brian's (one who is now a REALLY great friend, the other a very bad experience), a B* and a Brett. NO MORE!!! Especially the Brian's...I know, it seems silly but I think that perhaps my history with that name is just finally at its end and I need to be on edge when the universe sends me that energy. It's a big red flag! I should have known that after the first one...it just takes me more time than some...



Second, classes look good this semester. I met with an adviser and I got to drop one so now I have two courses and then...GRADUATION!! I can't wait!!



Third, Yoga went well today, it was uplifting and a really moving course. I actually had a very scary feeling during the post Shivasna portion...I had my eyes closed and I was listening to Shari talk and I got this feeling that I was sitting in infinity. Have you ever felt that? It was rather scary and actually made me a little uneasy.

Ask Away

My horoscope for today reads:
If anyone needs objective advice today, you're the right person to give it up. You can see everything that people are missing and fill in any gaps in their understanding -- though they may not want to hear it!

Therefore...go ahead, ask me advice!! I'll answer!

New word for the day: pugnacious (found in There Eyes Were Watching God) it means quirrelsome...I wonder if this pertains to the dog - pug...at all...

Progressive Visions

I just got a call about a really really really desperate dog in need of rescuing. I've been able to be 100% rescue free for one month but this phone call just hit home. The lady is desperate and the dog needs me. AHH! So, of course, here I come...Super Girl To The Rescue! Stay tuned for dog updates as this little girl is entering my now closed rescue and rehabilitation program.

On another note:
I had a very new experience today at Yoga. There's a pose that actually almost brought me to tears. It literally called forth emotions and thoughts that I didn't realize had become engrained in this particular movement of my body. It was VERY weird! Plus, during shivasna, I had my first completely free moment...ever! I literally thought of nothing!! Yoga rocked today!

On another note:
I've said it before but I haven't been "myself" in about 5 months. I'm finally starting to slowly come back to my center and the actual me that is there. It feels great!! I forgot how much good and postive energy there can be in this world. I'm going to start writing down the following things for myself to keep in mind everyday:
1. What was the most unexpected thing that happened today?
2. What was the single best moment of my day?
It's amazing how the little stuff was going right past me when it use to be such a huge part of my everything. I'm so glad that I've been brought to this place where I can note how far off from ME I am and really work on finding that again. I sure did miss me! Ha!

About Me

Have I mentioned my love for non-verbal communication? I do believe that the people in my life who know me best - know me best because of my emails. They are well thought out and...well...amusing.

Today I wrote an email to Christian in which I spoke in a British accent and discussed the over load of hormones in my present educational path. In a still British accent, yet...not the same letter - here is what I have to say (include your own British accent when reading please):

Love,
I have begun another course of study which includes a much reviled bi-weekly hour of "European Warfare - French Revolution to Present." This course, although most amusing, is expected to include more testosterone than my soul has yet to become accustomed to.
My deepest regards,
X


Now wasn't that jolly?

The Art of Gift Giving

Let's discuss the art of gift giving. It's called an art for a reason.

First, there was a really great guy who once gave me hundred's of dollars in jewelry as a gift. Sweet gesture, yet - do you see me covered in expensive jewelry? No. In fact, those items never left their original boxes.
Second, there was this guy who always gave his friends and families framed photos. Photo's he had taken and felt like giving out in his custom frames. Kind gesture, yet very self centered.

Now, think about the types of gifts you give. STOP! There's an art to this. Do you give gifts that you like? Do you give people things to make you feel better? The jewelry guy gave pricey gifts to make him look like he cared. To him, this was his way of saying he had something to offer. Note to him - money isn't everything. The picture guy gave gifts that were neat to him, yet he never thought about who he was giving the gift to and the gifts were presented in such a manner that made him look very self centered.
Before you give someone a gift, think about that individual. Don't give out a standard gift like a picture or jewelry. Give something that will be meaningful to the receiver, not to you! The gift is not about you!!! A gift should show that you know the individual who you purchased/made it for and that you want to give them something that is of meaning and will be valued in their life.

Example of a great gift: a guy friend of mine gave me a really cool sign for Christmas. It read "Danger: Men, Please Read Before Entering" and it contained 10 things men should know before dating me. It was adorable, comical and great to have. I've since posted it in my home office and really think this was the best gift I received all year.

Before you give a gift, stop and remove yourself from the process - give a gift to someone that says - "I know you deep down and I know you'd like this."

The Cell

I lost my cell phone - if you need to reach me...tough...hehehe...I'll work on getting a new one tomorrow. Until then, I am in hiding and no one can reach me.
I wonder where that darn phone went? Perhaps it went on vacation some where very neat without me? No fair!

Pig Bowl 2008

Look at the row of hot asses (not the cheerleaders, farther in, the firemen)!! The hoses and guns Pig Bowl 2008 was a great time!!

(From left) Kiera, Me and Lisa. Lisa has great insight. She's 37 and super smart. Kiera is a wonderful mother of two kids, once divorced and super sweet. Behind the camera is Elisha, she's very wise as well. It was freezing outside but we had a great time cheering on the hot fire men!!

The guy behind us on the fireman side was smoking pot and my hair stank all night because of it. Thanks!

Later on in the evening, there was Edamame and more good times. My place was warm and filled with hungry dogs.

Hoarding

There is nothing like a good old fashioned hoarding situation to make a week whiz by... I believe the count came to 100+ animals.

Revenge Part I: Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman

Please note this is the third story (although number two has not yet been posted) in The Book of Christian, a tale of five women to be completed over a short span of time. This is the unaltered retelling of who has been dated, not dated and the insanity that is female. Some names have been changed to protect the less than innocent.

He had been seeing Kate for two months when the ex-girlfriend was released from the hospital. Out of pity for the recently released, he fucked her. Not a big deal. He then continued his strictly platonic friendship with her while furthering his feelings for Kate. Kate was important to him, unlike anything he’d ever experienced.
Kate would sometimes start fights with him, just so that they could make up. Having intense chemistry and anger combined into fitful nights of love making and Kate was amazing when angry. One night, he had fallen asleep on the couch and with little to entertain herself, Kate decided to surf the Internet. She was shocked and yet not entirely surprised to find that he had been emailing his ex-girlfriend. In the emails that ensured, Kate came to find out that not only had he been contacting her, he had in fact slept with her! Kate was angry, irate would be to put it lightly.
What better path than revenge? She informed him of her findings and made it perfectly clear that so long as he continued to see the ex-girlfriend, she was going to take liberty with her sex life and see other people. He was hurt by this but understood. The ex-girlfriend was mentally unstable, ending their friendship now would certain be hard for her and perhaps even send her back to the hospital. He’d allow Kate to see other people, besides…what they had was stronger than anything she could find out in the world, right?

One night at dinner, Kate took a moment to go to the office and log into the computer. While he ate his food alone, Kate proceeded to enjoy a pleasant conversation with a man she had met online, a man who lived in another country. When nearly an hour of eating alone had gotten tiresome, he ventured to see what Kate was up to. Kate explained that she was talking to her online boyfriend – Pete. Interested in finding out who could possibly be more entertaining than himself, he pushed the issue. Who was Pete? Pete, as Kate noted, was a man in his mid-thirties who had been in a car accident when he was just a teen. The car accident left him a paraplegic with some minor other complications. He laughed it off and thought nothing of it. Kate continued to use his time to chat with Pete and even began to have telephone conversations with the foreigner. One day, before settling into the couch at her apartment, Kate saw she had a message. With the intent of making her unfaithful boyfriend squirm, she played it. The message was from Pete, just a nice thought to say hello. Kate found the gesture sweet. Chris found the gesture hilarious as Pete had clearly suffered some head trauma from his accident and had a rather noticeable and hard to ignore speaking problem. Chris found out that night that Pete was coming to visit Kate for a week. In which time, Kate asked that Chris not call. Amused with the entire situation, Chris agreed that was a fine.
Following Pete’s visit, Kate informed Chris that she too now had enjoyed that which is offered in an “open” relationship. At first, he was sure that she was just attempting to aggravate him. After all, she was his possession, wasn’t she? However, a few short evenings later, during her nightly Internet chat, Pete mentioned something that only an individual who had seen Kate naked would possibly know.
Chris was shocked. Not only had she intentionally cheated on him, she had done it with a guy who couldn’t walk and barely talked!

My personal thoughts on Revenge Part I: Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman
When angered or pushed to a breaking point, there is no telling what a woman is capable of. Sometimes, a woman can even come to be shocked by her own actions.

Tested

My new way of thinking about myself and those around me was tested today.

During lunch I got in a disagreement with a co-worker about a news story. This specific individual HATES when others disagree with his opinion. Instead of addressing the issue like an adult and talking towards a resolution, he pouts and name calls. This time though, I was ready. Instead of taking anything he said to heart, I let it go right through me.
I asked myself, do I really believe what I just put out there as my opinion? (Answer - Yes!)
Did I hear his? (Answer - Yes!)
We disagree...do I care? (Answer - No!) Then move on and let it go.

In the past, the name calling and such would have bothered me to the core. I would have questioned my own opinion and asked others if they agreed or not to see if maybe I really was in the wrong. Instead, I've decided that I stand firm, I'm allowed my own opinion and his behavior is what is unjustified and doesn't deserve my anxiety or thoughts.

This entire encounter made me realize that maybe this isn't someone who is even remotely trustworthy. This individual clearly can't handle conflict and as a result, isn't really someone I want in my life. I'll continue to work with this person, but I will set up a boundary and not allow this individual anything more than to be an acquaintance.

Wanted: Soul Mate

I don't believe there is just one person out there for another one person. But, I do believe in the idea of a soul mate.

What is a soul mate? What does it mean?
A soul mate is someone who makes you "be the most you." This person opens your heart and your mind.
A soul mate is a person who "forces your soul to grow the most."

I haven't met anyone like this...no one has even come close to allowing room for both of these. I have so far to go and yet I've come so far.

Obsessive Compulsive

I know I have OCD, that's a major reason for starting the Effexor eight years ago. I keep telling myself that it's under control and in check...and then I start thinking again...maybe it's not. The stuff I dealt with years ago is under check but is has transformed into something different and entirely new.
I have brain streaming.
But more than anything I've noticed lately my ability to get my heart/head (not sure which) set on an idea or person and then I get stuck...in a rut...and can't get out...no matter my efforts...no matter my wants. Then the process of being powerless within myself starts.
These ideas, these people...I think about them in a completely obsessive way that isn't healthy and certainly doesn't make me happy. A way that isn't like anything I've thought about before. Up until about two months ago I was my brain, some how...the brain took over and now I'm just a part of it.
How do I end this cycle? I keep trying to use thought or CBT tricks and that doesn't seem to get me anywhere.
Where did this come from? Christian, I can't get him out of my head! I had things I wanted to say the other night and I didn't, things I now can't stop thinking about. Sure a quick email would suffice for most, but I need a face to face - I need a deeper connection in order to feel that release. In this case, I can probably get what I want...but what happens when I can't - what can I do when I can't take charge of my own mind? It's scary and yet in some way, completely normal.


Anyway, I sent Chris an email saying what was on my mind and requesting a meet-up. It felt good! It felt empowering! It felt like I was me...the me I haven't been in 8 months!!

Rethinking Relationships

Do you realize that you are the one giving my words on this screen meaning?

It's amazing and hard to even grasp. But stop and think about this - without those loyal readers out there, my words would go unread and unheard. This blog would be without purpose and meaning, it would be a cavern essentially. You give it meaning.

This works for thoughts too. Without the open expression of my (or yours for that matter) feelings, they don't exist in the real world and they become artificial. In saying them to your friends, family and significant others you are creating something real and meaningful. By taking the chance to ask others to listen and hear you out, you are creating a new (for lack of a better word) "something" in the world, something that did not exist before you brought it forth. AMAZING!

I track how many people read my blog each day and which states they live in. It's not so much the which state thing that matters, it's the how many people are out there, reading what I write and giving my words meaning. To you, my loyal readership - Thank you! This simple gesture of logging on, one you may feel you get something from, gives me something too.


I've been thinking a lot about friendships and relationships in my life lately. I have some great people who surround me and few (yet there are some) less than great individuals. I am grateful beyond words for those in my life who give.

Through some new ideas and suggestions about relationship building I'm going to be experimenting with some new techniques. Primarily, techniques focused on anger and negative feelings. Although odds are you aren't going to actually be the target of these experiments - I want to thank you in advance for your help and support. The individuals in my life at present all have one thing in common - they are all tellers of truth. I have a set of values and morals that I've been thinking about a lot lately, and the word integrity keeps coming up.

What does that word mean? Integrity? To me, one of the key elements of this is truth. Truth can only be established in something that is real and therefore your ability to express yourself is key.


An Ode to Those Who Are Far Better than I:
The Beaver - Thank you for always expressing yourself, for good or bad. When I make you angry, you tell me and we deal with it head on. This makes you one of the strongest men in my life. You never waiver in your understanding of truth and you bring to your life and the lives you encounter a remarkable degree of integrity.
Alena - Thank you for your heart. You have more to give than anyone I have ever met. You are my inspiration when it comes to love and living life to the fullest. You have such a strong understanding of yourself, unlike any one I've ever encountered. You are unique and amazing! Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.
Melanie - Thank you for always connecting. When I'm scared or alone in the world, I know that you are just a ring away and you will listen to me and you will not judge but will provide constructive criticism. Your understanding of the difference between judgement and helpful communication is an advantage to all close to you.
Christian - Thank you for being my open book. You have such a strong character and an amazing mind. Your openness and ability to share always, regardless of context, situation or fear is beyond words. I hold your openness up to others and even myself and laugh, you are truly one of a kind. May you never see this waiver.
Brandon- Thank you for never expecting of me. The pressure we put on ourselves is plenty enough and you know this better than anyone. You never have expected anything from me. As you say, "I owe you nothing." Thank you for adding this sensibility and promise to my life. Thank you for adapting to whoever I decide to be at any given moment.
Shannon - Thank you for trusting me. I often don't trust myself and you have let me in on some very secret thing over the years. You now share your life with me across the ocean and any time I see you've logged into this blog, I feel so lucky to have your friendship.

My Horoscope

I find my horoscope for the day rather fitting my life over the last month. Wow!

Quickie: Some big walls are coming down today -- and this collapse will reveal new truths.

Overview: Life pushes back a little harder than usual today and that could mean that you've got to take a step back and wait for a better opportunity. You know better than most when to fight and when to walk away.

Boundaries Continued

More from the new book, Where To Draw The Line:

"In a new relationship, the very first time someone tries to dump their feelings on you, set a boundary. Refuse to engage. Leave the situation."
I've got this one down. I do this!! It recommends that you say
"I can't be with you when you're doing that indirect stuff. If you'll acknowledge your mood and do something to help yourself, I'll be here for you. Otherwise I'm going."

"Never listen to 'you' statements for more than a few minutes."
This is one I always stick around for and I know better. Few people during an argument or conversation decide to look at themselves and it always ends up being about 'you'. I really try very hard not to do this. I try very hard to make sure it's "I feel" and "This makes me feel." The problem here is that so few people know the importance of this conversation style that I have a feeling I'd be walking away from people... a lot!

"Whenever we need to keep from knowing something about ourselves, it costs us in health and energy. This is why amends are as important for ourselves as they are for the other guy."

"If your friend borrows things and doesn't return the, or is not always truthful, or is hot one day and cold the next, be careful about advancing. You deserve friends who are consistent, considerate and thoughtful."
I sometimes overlook these key things in friendships/relationship. Good to take note of and look for.

"A challenge can cause an individual so much anxiety that they start to shove it away, afraid to even try...this is often caused by a pattern of long, slow erosion in self-regard...creating a lost ability to risk."

Boundaries

Okay, so I started the new book Where To Draw The Line. It's good. If you ever wondered what the heck the bazillion guys you've dated were thinking - it's in here. If you ever wondered how you came to make your own decisions or if those were healthy choices...it's in here. Here's what I'm getting:

"When we withdraw ourselves from the possibility of repeating feeling - by walling out certain feelings (or a certain intensity of feeling), or by not allowing ourselves to repeat such trust, need or love again - we take ourselves into a fortress, a defended state of being."
This is known not as a boundary but as a defense. Something I've often encountered and yet I actively fight in my life to avoid this. I try very hard to let go of things that I learned in past relationships that could be considered defensive rather than boundary oriented. The distinguishment between the two is very hard to make for some and easy for others.

"If you are a punctual person and you have a friend who is usually late, think about what you need. Talk to your friend about how you feel, the message you are getting, and what you want."
This is a method I attempt to use a lot in my life. Identifying how I feel, the message I'm getting and what I want. However, I've found that rarely when I express these things do others understand what I'm doing. I'm not asking for anything in return, I'm showing my boundary, I'm identifying it clearly for them. If you're my friend - know that when I do this I'm not being defensive, I'm attempting to show you where I end and you begin and how this relationship impacts both of us.

"If you live alone and stick to your plans no matter what, this can be okay. But if you are some one's mate or parent, then your style has impact on others."
This makes me want to SCREAM!!!! I've addressed this with many people and no one seems to get it. So many (dare I say it) men don't seem to want to rearrange their schedule for their mates. They rarely understand the impact that it has on the other party. Is this a blind spot for them? Or is it a simple lack of caring?

"If you agree to meet someone at a certain time, you are creating a contract with that person. Every minute that you are late uses a portion of the other person's life."
I think this is one of my core values. I feel hurt and betrayed very quickly when someone takes for granted the minutes of my life. I try very hard to keep a schedule that is punctual so that I don't do this to others, I ask for the same respect in return.

"She loved him personally, but she hated what he was doing and saw it as having no value."
Another touchy subject! I believe you can love someone and not like what they do and see what they do with their time as having no value...but at the same time, aren't we taught to accept the person as a whole? How do the two correlate?

"Boundaries can be used in two ways - by limiting the actions of the people who have hurt you, and by including the people who've shown themselves to be trustworthy."
This is hard for me to stand on because I often don't require individual to prove trustworthiness at the level I should. Also, sometimes individual in my life put up what I considered a boundary when in actuality it was defense since a boundary is only used with individual who have actively hurt you or who are not considered trust worthy...and I am!

"You are not required to adjust your life to accommodate a defensive partner. You do not have to let another person's defended state curtail your own experience."
I struggle here, when I see a person who is defensive I work actively to bring down that wall...as if I can!?! Hahaha! Instead, I need to be recognizing the defensive behavior, noting it and adjusting my trust and opinion based on that and open communication about it.

"Notice what isn't said or what isn't done. What isn't said can be a boundary error. Figuring out what's missing can help you spot a manipulation or explain why an exchange seems off kilter."
Another area that I personally struggle in. I feel like identifying what isn't said and what isn't done puts me in a position of assumption (that's such a horrible word and action - the nasty "a" word). Though it does prove true. By not identifying and communicating the feelings of the things that aren't said or done, manipulation and control issues arise.

"Missing the point is a defense of misdirection. While you are talking about the trees, I'm going to pretend that this conversation is about the forest. A clever defender takes a tack that is close enough to fool the initiator into thinking that the real issue is being addressed."
Damn it! I fell for this one really bad in my last relationship. I would say that I was angry about something and he would make it about the bigger pictures. I would go along with it and get fooled! For example there was this girl that I didn't like him being around. He therefore made it that I didn't like him around ALL single gals...not my issue, any yet I got fooled. Very sneaky and clever defense. Being aware of this I will certainly be able to identify and take power over situations such as these next time.

"The defense of attacking is continued, while bringing up an old argument that, undoubtedly, has been argued many times before. Getting a partner into a tried-and-true prior argument is in itself a good defense."
This is the most aggravating thing on earth! Once an issue has been addressed and talked about. Either you are satisfied with the conclusion or not. Either you move on...or not. Don't move on and thing bring it up again later. That's crazy-making!

"Here is a multiple defense...She is portraying him as being out of line when he is behaving naturally given the circumstances. She is also overstating his true and natural feeling."
Wow! Just when I think maybe I was crazy about x issue or y issue...this author points out that I was entirely grounded in my thinking.

More quotes:
"When we overstate how someone is behaving, that is a defense. The person is mirrored incorrectly, which can throw them off and make them feel wrong."

"We are geniuses at survival. Whatever is inside us that leads to an experience of pain, betrayal, or abandonment, we can lock away."

"If we don't act on our own behalf, we will lose spirit, resourcefulness, energy, health, perspective and resilience. We must take ourselves out of violating situations for the sake of our wholeness."

The Stalker, A Tale of Obsession and Creepiness

Please note this is the first story in The Book of Christian, a tale of five women to be completed over a short span of time. This is the unaltered retelling of who has been dated, not dated and the insanity that is female. Some names have been changed to protect the less than innocent.



Following a long day at school, Chris came out to find that the back window on his car had been broken and his stereo stolen. Being that it was spring, the idea of replacing it was not one of urgency. Within some time, a sweet girl (although entirely unattractive), asked Chris if he would proof read a paper for her. Over coffee and the first draft, the topic of the missing car window was broached, noted and discarded.

The sweet, yet unattractive girl, continued to actively pursue Chris with gift baskets on his door step and cards of adoration. The question of exactly how she found his dwelling is still a mystery. Following a series of these thoughtful items, Chris decided it was time to address the subject of their relationship. In this conversation Chris clearly stated his inability to date Maggie. Yet, this did not stop her! Maggie continued to send cards and lavish baskets of gifts, including one basket that contained a children's book, orange juice, and tea, a little something to lift the spirits.

Following another tedious day at school, Chris came out to find that the back window to his car had been replaced. At first perplexed and confused, he checked the license plate again. Sure enough, this truly was his car...who would fix his window? He came up with a short list of three people - his father, his best friend and the security guard.

Later in the week, Chris again met with Maggie over coffee to review and finalize her paper. At this time, Chris happened to mention that his window had been mysteriously fixed. He commented that it was creepy how someone fixed his car without ever telling him. Maggie was shocked and questioned the creepy factor of this encounter. How could a random act of kindness provoke a feeling of wariness?

The following morning, Maggie called Chris on the telephone.

"Chris, I have to confess. I fixed your window." She said.

Chilled to the bone and fairly distressed, Chris asked why. Maggie explained that it seemed simple so she went to the pick and pull, purchased a window from a similar model of car and mysteriously replaced his existing one. "It only cost me $5."

Some time later, following continued baskets and even a container of home made chicken noodle soup, Chris was preparing to leave his parking lot at home with a friend when Maggie appeared lurking around the corner. She approached the stairwell to his apartment, spied around the corner in a plotting fashion and...we shall never know as Chris quickly hit the gas and left...





My personal thoughts on The Stalker, A Tale of Obsession and Creepiness:

Perhaps the innate female need to be kind and generous can come across sometimes as "creepy" or obsessive. However, aren't women told that knowing what you want and taking a chance to get it is ultimately one of the most attractive things a woman can do?

It's safe to say that Maggie would terrify any guy and yet, doesn't a small piece of your heart feel sorry for the poor gal?

Late night? Early morning?

It was a late night. I just got home and I'm getting ready for bed. I'll sure be tired tomorrow!
Christian came over and it was wonderful. He always has very entertaining stories to tell and is such a smart guy. Perhaps too smart, I felt like there were several times tonight when I couldn't keep up with his intellect. I'm not use to that!!! We went out, had one drink and then came back to my place to chill. Chewy actually liked him, I'm shocked...maybe Chewy remembers him? I'm in a bit of pain, I'm not sure if it was the one beer I had or the yoga or the medications...all I know is that I'm gonna have trouble sleeping cause I hurt.
Christian dates wild people, more wild than I do. He has decided (and I think I agree) that is the for-most expert at dating in the Sacramento area. He's been dating for over 30 years, he's unmarried, without kids and dates at least 5 gals a year. He's active...active...active on the dating scene. We had some interesting dating conversations.
He too recently dated someone who was bipolar. He recommended a really good book on the topic, I'll have to pick that up (along with the other dozen books he recommended and really made sound good). His story ended in much more drama than mine. Yes there were cops, yes there was a chase...hahahaha!
Anyway, I'm gonna attempt bed and probably write up some of his very comical stories tomorrow...

Power

I'm really working on understanding, identifying and taking control of power in my life.
Yesterday I made a commanding decision that felt good and was right for me. When told to do something on someone elses time schedule and knowing that I wasn't okay with that, I told someone "no, that really doesn't work for me." Afterwards, instead of feeling guilty - I felt empowered.

Today, I starting thinking about a few other things in my life that hold power and the ways in which I have let go of that power without thinking about it first. I'm stopping that, I'm taking control but not dominating, just trying to find that good solid balance.

I went to Vinyasa Yoga this morning and it kicked my butt. With the medication change up, I'm entirely off balance and spinning. I can't stand on one leg...it's rather comical to watch me attempt Yoga right now. The new medications aren't that strong but that's okay, maybe I can find a balance in my life without the need for something that I can't relinquish.

Ooji

Ooji breathing will save the world...I do believe this...I do...
It was a long day but I am finally sitting comfy in my house with Chewy. I miss Wally but Chewy and I are cool.
I want to gush over the major hottie who has an interest in me. A new guy, with potential. I have to remember to keep grounded on this issue and not set my feelings for him in stone, as I did with the last guy (as we all know by now). I have to remember to sit back and watch, not just act and not just feel. Anyway, he has an adult job that he likes, a college degree and a dog. He works 6 months of the year doing his thing and then plays semi-pro-baseball the other portion. He's 27 years old (I'm trying to get better about the whole age thing since I want someone who my family won't raise eyebrows about), he likes motorcycles, and the river! I LOVE THE RIVER!!

Different topic:
Do you ever pull out your photo album and look at it...and think...I lived through that, but was I really living in the now? I know, an odd thought...but, today I looked at some photos and I didn't feel connected to most of them. Although I know I was there and I remember things about the event, I feel a disconnect from that. Was it because at the time I wasn't living in the present?

Wow There Cow-Girl

I'm going too strong and hard right now without a good break to think and settle.
Last night we drove down to San Jose to a party, shockingly I didn't even drink. It was fun but I was home by 1am as I wasn't looking to stay out too terribly late. I was tired and ready to crash.
Sucks though, since I had to get up by 7am to drop my guest off at home. Yuck! Then at 8am I picked up another individual to hang out with. She'll be around until tomorrow. I'm tired and I just need to slow it down a bit. I haven't had time to stop and settle into my skin at all today, I've just been going and going.
So now I'm going to leave my place and head to Yoga!

You're So Vain

You know the song, You're So Vain by Carlie Simmon? I'll give you one guess what I'm thinking. Ha!

On a different note, I got to write Brian a letter today in which I felt like I got a lot off my chest, stuff that I had wanted to say to him but couldn't. I expressed my thoughts and feelings in retrospect and I needed to do that directed at him. I needed to let him know my thoughts in order to have a release of that. Why did I wait so long??
I know why!! I've said it to a few of you even...I didn't feel like I could. As the wise one, Alena, said - "You have a right to" and I just didn't accept or embrace that. Alena - You Are Wise Beyond Your Years.
I sent his letter and my response to a friend, I felt empowered by my ability to final see everything clearly...this is her response and I must say, I am moved to tears:
I think you're finally ready. I think he finally crossed your emotional boundary. It's too much though. He's done too much to you and you've let him take it this far... but I think he finally reached your point of no return. And I think that's best. He still has not taken any responsibility for anything in the relationship. That tells me that he thinks he is better then you in some way. Whether it be in age or experience. He thinks he knows more then you. That is sad. That is also inaccurate. You just know differently then him. He sees the world and life from his perspective. You see it from yours. And people's perspective is relative to their experiences that they have had through out their life. He sees it from only one point of view. His. No one elses. You are at least blessed enough to see both sides. You should be grateful that you can see others points of view. That you can have empathy for what they feel and experience. He does not have empathy....He can not put his feet in other people's shoes. Empathy is a gift.... cherish that. So congrats... you found your boundary.... now move it so that it's not so far... so that you get hurt so badly.
I think what you are doing with this breakup... the fact you are trying to take what you can from it and make yourself better is an awesome thing. Only the best people can do that. I on the other hand did not come quiet as far as you have in any of my break ups. I think that I always left at anger... In very few occasions have I ever looked back in retrospect and tried to figure out my faults... i always clearly saw theirs. I guess I have to take that back... and like you gave my power up to so many others. I Just think that... you've come so very far in such a short period. I just love you for that. It makes me realize that you truly are someone I want in my own life... as a friend. And that i never want to lose someone like you who is able to look back and see their own faults... and not be oblivious to their contribution in any relationship. I hope this makes sense...I just have so much to say to you...how proud I am of you...and I don't know exactly how to express it at times.



On a different note, I'm really moving on...as some of you have taken note of. I'm seeing someone. Yes, I'm dating the masses, but I'm sleeping with only one person. I feel good about this. I feel okay with the decision and I feel like it is progress in the right direction.

I had a chat yesterday with Cinnamon...and well...I need to create some boundaries. Emotional ones. As my friends have probably realized by now, I don't have them and that's not good. I picked up a book called Boundaries by Anne Katherine and it talks about it, what they are, how you create them and how to adjust them as needed. This is a big issue for me and certainly an area that holds much potential for self improvement.

The Energy We Put Off

Everyone gives off energy in their own way and form. I spoke with someone today about the energy I give off and how that draws individuals into my life who are bad for me. I have set a standard that is not that high and by putting my bar there, I am preventing those who are worthy or above that, from coming into my life. Have you thought about your energy today? What sort of people are you drawing into your life?

I draw people who seek power. Individuals who are without their own power seek out...well...me. This is because I am willing to give up my own power very freely and openly as I don't understand or even recognize it. By ignoring the power I have as an individual, I am drawing those to me who seek control and so...well...I guess I get what I want in the end.

I'm going to work on holding onto my own power and providing energy that does not allow others to gain from my giving. I am going to begin seeking out friends and individuals for relationships who have their own power and can actually offer me something. I don't do that very often. Normally, I seek out those that I can give something to...when really I should be seeking those who can give to me. For example, my last "relationship"...what was being given to me that I didn't first give? Honesty? No. Trust? No. Security? Certainly not. He saw this much clearer than I did and took advantage of all I had to offer. I need to focus on allowing people to earn their place in my life without feeling like that's wrong of me.

New Quotes and My Thoughts

Some new quotes from Surfacing:
"Curiosity becomes more important to you than peace"
I think this is something I am in constant struggle with. I want to know, I want to know so much and then some...any yet the constant questioning does not allow for peace. My life feels like a constant struggle between what is know-able and what is natural.

"A divorce is like an amputation, you survive but there's less of you."
I've dated two guys now who have been through divorces...both were good at heart...any yet, damaged goods. This quote sums it up well - once you've been divorced you are constantly in a search for something that maybe you never had, something that you feel you can re-gain from not being with that other person. It's a very sad state to be in and I really hope I never get to this. I think I've decided that I'm going to stop dating the divorcee...they don't have as much to give or offer as individuals who haven't had that type of, shall we say - trauma?

"The feelings I expected before but failed to have comes now"
As I learn to live in the moment I'm feeling less and less of this; however, in the past I would say this is pretty common in my relationships with others. I often expect to have a feeling, don't have it, and yet struggle to find it because I know I should have it. Then when all is said and done, the feeling comes...

"Nothing is the same, I don't know the way any more."
This is what I've been feeling for about a month now. I'm starting to figure out the way again, but this one sentence really expresses a state of constant feeling that I'm struggling to comprehend and abolish.

"I like them, I trust them, I can't think of anyone else I like better, but right now I wish they weren't here."
Please tell me I'm not the only person who feels this sometimes!

Happy Hour

I went out to Happy Hour with "The Girls." It was a good time. We had some interesting chats, including some big city talk that was rather interesting. I really enjoy having some female friends to chat with and who are local. No one can ever fill my heart like Akiko and Alena, but I sure am happy to have girls to chat things over with, learn from and go out with! Check out the pictures:

I went with the two low ponytails...last night Brandon said that my figure looked (it did) the same as when I was 18 and I thought, why not the hair too! Ha!
Laura is on the left. She's married to an Air Force guy and she's awesome.

Anna is on the right and she's super kind. She has really awesome arms, says its from water pollo, I'm jealous on that one...I'll have to try it some time.

Doctor Update and Control

Lots to say, but let's start with:

--Control--
I think after much talk and thought, Brian has control issues. He has to be in control. He decided when we took the relationship to the next level, when he met my family, and when our relationship ended. He controlled the break-up and now he's controlling how and when he comes back into my life. I don't get any say in any of it, at all! He has told me not to call him and so I don't. He can email and ask me questions but I don't feel that I can ask things in return. I'm not sure why he feels that he needs to control everything but that's not my concern. I could care less about the why, it's the intention that is important to me. Does he know he has control issues and is that what he has been trying to do all along or is this something he isn't even aware of? Did he dump me because he realized that I was catching on? He'd say thing like "I like it when you wear x." or "You should wear your hair like z." Of course, I'd try to please and do it. Just before we broke up, he said he liked something and I told him "Oh well, I wear y because it's comfy and I'm not gonna wear x." Was I too strong for him? Did his loss of power result in his complete freak out?


--Doctor Update--
Went to the doc and I'm moving forward. I'm coming off the Effexor. AHHH! I'm scared and excited all the same. It's the time in my life when I need to do this and I have to keep faith in myself that I can do this! Starting tomorrow, the process begins and I can definitely do this!

Super Bad is a mighty funny movie! Haha!!
Anyway, I'm off today, throwing up again so I called in...poo. I shouldn't have eaten dinner last night and I know I'm nervous about the doc today so it could be that too. I think Wally is sick too. He's sitting here with me and he's all sad. Poor guy!

Another Good Night

I think maybe Brandon has a girlfriend that I'm not being informed about. Should I ask? Does it matter at this point or only if we do "stuff"?
He keeps insisting that we hang out away from his place. I have yet to even see it! Perhaps I'm just being paranoid...I do that. I asked him about it tonight and he said that he had a project he was working on in the living room so the house was a mess.
We went out to Miyagi, it was good. Then we watched the American Idol try outs, it was HILARIOUS!
Brandon has a new fear that came from his last relationship. Poor guy! It's a bad one and most girls wouldn't notice, but I've been around long enough to know him before and after.

The Big Day is Coming

I've hit my target weight. That means that in one months I've dropped 25 pounds!!!! Now I need to work on toning what I've got since I still have a few problem areas. The amazing part of the weight loss, is that this time, I didn't shrink in the butt or boobs...yippee!!

Anyway, the big day is coming and I am now officially starting to get nervous. Very nervous for that matter. Up until today, I just saw the day as so far off that I wasn't stressing, then today...it hit me. Tomorrow is the big day!!!
I'm going into the doc and I'm coming out with a plan for a drug free lifestyle. I'm legitimately scared! I've been on Effexor for eight years and it has been good to me. I remember when I first went on it and the reasons. I remember the life I was living at that time and I can't imagine going back to that. I know it's a fear that has no base now, I'm a different person and I have a great support system for coming off the drug. Yet, I'm constantly in a state of questioning myself - am I ready? It would be a huge success to come off it. I need to have faith in myself and my own strength. I need to remember that I am "good enough" and I deserve this.

I'm hoping to take an Ayurveda workshop next week. It's a sister practice to Yoga that works on centering the tridosha. The idea is that when these aspects of your life are aligned and cared for properly, your body will be healthy. It's an all natural lifestyle system that helps to center, balance and focus your life. It's about eating right, exercising and maintaining an equilibrium of the self.


Side note:
I'm working on stepping out of my little box and trying things that I wouldn't normally do or things that make me uncomfortable. I recommend everyone do it!!! I'm loving it, surprisingly enough. So far I've learned that I enjoy climbing and I've made three great new girl friends.
Friday after work, I'm getting together with a group and we're driving to San Jose to hit up an "Adult Arcade" called Dave and Buster's. Not sure how this is different from a casino, but I'm gonna try it anyway!

A Night Out

Had a really nice night.
Dinner was good.
It was a nice time, good company and rather entertaining choice of "outing". He was very sweet, funny and is smart. After dinner he took me out "muddin" which I always wanted to do, it was a rush!! I explained to him that although I was on a date, I wasn't looking for anything right now, NOTHING! He failed to take that seriously and made an attempt to kiss me, which resulted in me nearly falling down to try and avoid him. Go figure! After a long talk about how I don't need anything physical from anyone right now, hugs are great, but no kisses...not on the check, not on the mouth. I'm not looking for sex (which is something many of my friends seem to think will solve everything). I'm not looking for anything right now. He explained that he was interested in me regardless and wants to be my friend until I'm ready. Sweet, but he won't last.

Brandon is coming over for dinner tomorrow night and to check out my new digs. I'm excited, he rarely takes time out of his routine for me. I think that's where I get my whole issue surrounding being stood up for other priorities. I don't wanna go into it... Anyway... I need to clean the place up a bit if he's coming over. I also hope my new wall decor arrives.

Christian and I are planning coffee. It's been a while since I've seen him. Gosh! I suggested we hit a poetry slam and he didn't say anything about it...but that's okay, maybe I can warm him up to the idea.

Melanie is sick. Poor gal! She's a good friend and she is a very genuine person, I really respect that about her.

No Melt Down!!!

Brian wrote me...I of course responded, but at the same time...all I wanted to do was scream for him to come hold me, kiss me and make everything better. I'm in a place in my life where things are scary.

He must be thinking about me, does that mean he wonders if he made a mistake? Probably not. I wish he'd rethink things. I still legitimately think we were happy together. I know I got off kilter, but my life was spinning out of control and I really just needed him to help me keep my feet on the ground instead of pushing me off that edge. I needed help finding my center and instead he turned his back on me. I know he didn't mean to, I pushed him away, I know that. It was my issue and I had to take the time alone to fix the areas of my life that had gotten out of balance. I've done that. I've found peace within myself, peace with my body and I'm working on peace of mind.

He doesn't want me, I have to accept it! Although I keep thinking, doesn't absence make the heart grow fonder? I know it has done a lot for me. Is there any chance he'd want to start fresh and see if maybe our timing was off when we met but it can be corrected now? When we met, I was working full time, doing school full time, and running my non-profit. The last thing I needed was a distraction. I was skipping school and cheating time from my non-profit to spend with him and when he stood firm on wanting time for his hobbies, I felt cheated. That wasn't fair of me. I should have stood firm on my obligations. Instead, I put him above things in my life that mattered and I shouldn't have. He hadn't earned that position and he proved it in a very dramatic way.

A lot in my life has changed in a month (needless to say, three), A LOT. More than I ever thought possible. I've found a grounding point and a center. I've found my long buried soul and I'm learning to listen to my intuition and my heart. I'm still working, but his hours have changed to match mine and that would mean a change in a lot of things. I'm still doing school, but during hours he'd be working anyway so it wouldn't really affect him. Lastly, the non-profit has been replaced with centering. No more saving lives and giving all I have to others. I have a self to give to someone now. I have time and compassion, a caring voice, a listening ear. Something that had been swallowed alive by the rescue. My priorities in life haven't changed but how I attend to those priorities has.

Has he changed any? He had issues that he needed to work on himself. I wonder if he's thought about them and made any progress in his areas?

Why he wasn't able to trust me, I'm not entirely sure still...I never did anything to intentionally harm that aspect of our relationship. Maybe the key there is "intentionally" because apparently it happened with or without my intent. I just wish that he had been honest with me about it. I really felt hurt by his lack of honesty on a few occasions, which he clearly picked up on (one time in particular that I remember at BJ's restaurant). He brought up something about me that he wanted to me work on or change and it was something that I'd been doing for weeks (maybe months) that he hadn't bothered to bring up until then. I was hurt!! Not for what he brought up, but why he felt that he couldn't be honest with me at the time of the incident and had to wait, that's what really bothered me. I should have expressed that, I didn't. Now that I'm starting to understand myself more (you can never completely know yourself, you have to grow and learn all the time), I know why I was so bothered by it. It really showed a lack of trust on his part and because I was putting so much faith in him as an individual, I expected him to do the same for me. Regardless of whether he was actually capable of it.

I think our good times out weighted the bad, but apparently he didn't and still doesn't or he'd make an effort to tell me what he's feeling. He said when he left he didn't think he was walking away from anything great. I still think he did walk away from something great, it just needed more time to florish. At the time he walked away, I had a lot going on in my life and I wasn't being open or clear about my feelings there and instead taking them out on our relationship. I was under a lot of stress at the time, and so was he...but I think we are compatable in a way that you rarely find. I think that he's scared to give himself unselfishly to another, and that's certainly something I asked of him.


I have a fairly early date tonight. Who dates on a Monday? Anyway, he's an airforce guy from McClellan and he's sweet. I'm not really ready for this but until Brian tells me that he cares for me in the same way I care for him, I have to keep living. I don't have to kiss him, I don't have to sleep with him, but I have to make an attempt at moving forward. I have to keep trying. Back to my date, I'm excited about the new-ness and I'm going 100% sober. We aren't even hitting a bar! Ha! He's picking me up and we're going to catch dinner downtown. He's a nice guy and I always try to give anyone who asks, at least one date. Besides, Valentine's Day is coming and I don't think I have the heart for another depressing V-day. I've had such horrible ones in the past that ever time I see February on my calendar I panic. AHHH!


On a different note, I want to chat a little about lies and truth:
I want to make a clear statement, a promise if you will, to all my friends, family and future lovers - I will NEVER lie to you. That isn't who I am and if I respect you enough to have you in my life, then know that I will always be open, honest and there for you. If something upsets me I will tell you on the spot regardless of my fear or own insecurity. Please keep in mind that since this is a new thing for me, I may not say it in the way that would be best, but keep my intention in mind - please. Know that I will never say anything behind your back that I could not say to your face. Know that I will always carry a piece of you in my heart and do everything I can to be there for you in your times of need. Know that I will stand firm in my beliefs even if they are different from yours...but know that I respect your views too and I respect that you are sharing them with me.
Know more than anything, that I will never lie or mislead you. I will never tell you part of the truth and not the whole truth. Know that if you ask me a question, as much as I hate to answer it or don't want to, I will and I will not lie!

New-Ness

New-ness is the theme today. I went climbing and had an absolute BLAST! I should have tried this sooner. Everyone should try it at least once. My arms a little shaky and sore but with practice it will all be well.
After that I went out and bought a new camera. I got a digital camera so that I can take pictures of all this wonderful new-ness. My mother came out to visit and hit Target with me. We picked out some really cute new Yoga clothes. They look hot and show off my new figure. Did I mention that I'm now only 5 pounds from my target weight. That means that since December I've lost 20 pounds!!!! I've also developed muscle and look great. I'm proud. I can wear anything I want and feel good about myself.
I have a new fetish with knitted shoes. Have you seen these things? They are comfy as all get out! I have two pairs and I can't take them off...hehehe.
I emailed Brian for the first time since he told me fuck off. I haven't heard back but that's okay, he needs time to get his head straight too. I wonder what he's been thinking? I'll probably never know...but that's just how it goes when you ...

Following a long day of hiking, climbing and yoga...I show off my stuff...hahaha!

River Flow

Went to the river this morning to do Anusara Flow Yoga and 22 people turned out! It was a great time! We did Yoga for over an hour and I had a really positive Shivasna. Only thing is that with that many people, it was hard for us all to fit and be able to take some of the poses...but it worked out.
I'm still very unbalanced (emotionally and physically). I can't take revolving moon at all. I fall over...I need to work on balancing a little more - I'm almost there though.
I'm thinking since I missed Yoga so much this week I might go out again tonight for more Yoga. My body has been really stiff and needs it. I almost knotted up during downward dog...silly, that's my favorite pose.

Suez said she might join me for Yoga this week - that would be cool. Mandy also said she might do the drink thing with the group this Wednesday. I hope she goes. I adore Mandy. She has such a white heart.

I need to pick a color for my wall in my living room. I've been putting it off since Brian and I were going to do it together and I just wasn't ready to do it alone. I think I may be ready. I'm thinking either Yoga Green or a Sea Blue. Not sure, maybe I won't paint it in the near future...although it looks silly as the only white wall in the place. HA!

I'm going out climbing today with a pal. Maybe we'll get some good shots from it...I hope at least.

YOGA

It has been four days since I last got to Yoga. I missed it like crazy. I feel so open and ...good right now. Yoga should be mandatory, it would make the world a better place. It helps clear the mind, open the body up, stretch and more. Yoga has taught me more about my own body than I thought possible. There is so much about my body that I just didn't know. I am so relaxed...ahhhhhhhhh

Yoga is so beautiful, I'm doing my hallway in photos of Yoga in nature...I'm gonna have my own photo shoot of it soon too. I want pictures of me doing Yoga, I want pictures of you doing Yoga, let's collect Yoga pictures!!

Good day! I held a meet up this morning for Poms at the park. It was great!!! The turn out was awesome and the dogs all looked wonderfully. Definitely a thumbs up for a start to the weekend.
I went and visited my parents. All is well there.
I'm waiting for Yoga now, excited about it...I wish I could go right now!!! Ha!
Oh yeah, I got my sample ballot today, I guess I should spend a few hours doing some research...

About my new place:
Super cute, super full of my personality...but...there are a few complaints. First, it has ants that I can't get rid of. The pest guy sprayed and it was good for about a week, then they came back in full force and completely covered my living room. I killed them all and vacuumed them up...then a week later they showed up in the bedroom. The pest guy has sprayed again, I hope it works.
I miss having a dishwasher. That's a down side...a big one since I like to cook.
Then there is the water issue. My shower is not made for sex, let me say that much. At any given time, the temperature changes. You can set it but in the middle of your shower it goes cold...or hot...no telling. Therefore, I will be the only person allowed in the shower - ever!

I'm excited about Wednesday. I'm going out with some friends for happy hour at a great place. YIPPEE! It should be comical and result in some funny photos. Oh did I mention that I'm getting over my camera-phobia. I figure if I take the pictures then I can decide if they make it past the trash or not...this way, I will gradually learn that cameras are ok.

I'm gonna kick back with a good moving, knit some, and wait for Yoga hour!

Good night and then a rant...

I had a good night. Dinner was great - we went to The Cheesecake Factory. I was too full for desert so I missed the best part...but oh well.
I learned new and interesting things about people, my main goal for the night.
I also realized that I can't remember the last time I had a kiss that really took my breathe away. I know it's happened but I just can't remember when...aren't those the important details of life that you should be able to remember and cherish?
Well, I'm completely exhausted and home alone tonight - that's right - Chewy and Wally are out and about and I have the house in all its quietness to myself. I'll knit a bit, watch some TV and crash...wherever I want. Maybe even the couch if I'm feeling daring.


BEGIN RANT:
After a few drinks about a week back on the boat with Brandon I sent Brian a request to be my friend. He ignored it...until today...now in fact. As to the rant / panic attack set hince forth. Let me start with the whole drinks thing and how it got me to my computer. I had been out on the boat with Brandon as normally as a way of getting over someone I sleep with him and feel better about myself. Well, I found myself on the boat and not wanting to sleep with anyone. Not a sole but Brian and so I left the boat and went home to send my email.

Can I be his friend? I'm still head over heels for him and think about him on a daily basis - can you be friends with someone you still have an "emotional attachment" (as we all know I am very careful in this area of wording) to?
I fucked things up with him and I have so much guilt and resentment at myself for it that I don't know if I can have the friendship I want with him. Yet, I feel like I have to try - I HAVE TO. His presence in my life in any form is better than none at all.
(Stage note: She finds the valium and takes a few...handfuls) How can I feel like this for someone who doesn't care for me? Someone who disappeared from my life for three months, really really fucking hard months, when all I needed was a friend? A hug?
I'm crazy to miss him. I know it. My therapist thinks I was pushing him away...not intentionally but unintentionally as I was getting too attached and I paniced since he wasn't expressing what he was feeling and I couldn't express my own feelings. We discussed things I felt and did that I don't normally do and really don't care about...yet I did them with him. Why? Did I want him to leave me? NO! She thinks that I was just testing him. Testing him to see if he cared for me in the same way that I cared for him...according to her - he failed. This being an answer to whether his feelings were the same as mine...not the answer I was looking for...but an answer none the less.
I keep thinking he's going to call or show up on my door step and tell me that he made a mistake. Deep down I know that's not going to happen. He doesn't have those feelings for me and I have to get over it. It's been a month and I have to accept that I haven't been on his mind. He doesn't miss me. He doesn't want to call me. If he felt anything for me, he would have already picked up the phone and called...don't you think? He would have already tried to express himself...don't you think?

Perhaps I'm insane tonight since I missed Yoga. I'll Yoga in the morning and maybe my brain will settle back into a state of normalcy. If not, then I'll Yoga again and run and run and yoga some more.

Dating

Forgot to mention - I have a date tonight. I'm nervous and excited all the same. I'm nervous because it's new and new scares me!!! But excited because it's about making friends and nothing more (since I'm still hung up on Brian). I need friends and this is a great opportunity. Plus, it's at a restaurant I've been meaning to try. So, I've decided that at least for a while I'm not dating for a relationship, I'm dating for friends. Kinda like fishing!

Your Brain's Pattern

You have a tempered, reasonable way of thinking. You tend to take every new idea in, and meld it with your world view. For you, everything is always changing. Each moment is different. Your thinking process tends to be very natural - with no beginnings or endings.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

Forms of Guilt

There are many forms of guilt, sadness and regret. I'm just learning this. Apparently, I think too much with my head and have forgotten or chosen not to listen to my heart.
Lately I've been feeling guilty about my grandfather's death. I feel bad because I don't feel bad enough. Make sense? I'm more upset over Brian leaving me than I am over my grandfather dying...and that created guilt. However, after much taking and wisdom from those around me - I have found that it's okay.
My grandfather had his first heart attack 10 years ago and my entire family (self included), has been grieving for him since then. Since his passing was a long time in the making, I have had time to think about, contemplate, adjust, and accept it. Where as, Brian's disappearance was sudden, unexpected and much more shocking.
So, although I loved my grandfather a ton, I'm learning that it's okay to be at ease with his death. I don't have to feel sad or guilty. I have no regrets of our relationship and I have no regrets of how I'm handling his death.

Expectations

I was talking with Miller today about relationships and he believes my biggest problem is that I expect up front. What I want from you in 2 months is no different than 2 years. I'm very up front with what I want and what is and is not of interest to me. Apparently, this is something that men like to be eased into. They want you to expect and ask for nothing until about six months (according to Miller)...at which point you can then settle into the relationship and bring up these things.
I don 't like that! To me, that's like hiding who you are and what you're going to expect until later in the relationship. Why hide stuff? Why wait? That doesn't seem right to me. If someone I'm with wasn't expecting anything from me and then gradually started to, I'd have a fear of the slipper slope. However, if they are up front from the beginning - that's entirely different.

Did I mention that I can feel energy?

Did I mention that I can feel energy and in turn, predict...some stuff? I can.
On a different note, I worked on my application for the Peace Corp today. I'm nervous and excited all the same. Since I started it a while back and all the data was saved, I only have one very small part to finish. I haven't told my family yet, I think I'll wait a few months. But...if all goes well, I'll be shipping off to Africa in October. I think this group could really utilize my skills and abilities in a way that would help both them and me. I think this is the type of volunteerism that would be well balanced and allow me the wholeness of giving.

Exhausted

Would it kill him to be my friend? I care about him and he's cut me out of life and that hurts more than anything. Don't I deserve a friendship? Why can't we have that?

It was another really long and emotional day and rather than tell you what all went wrong, I'm just going to say that I love each and every one of you. Without the people in my life, I just couldn't keep doing this. I'm exhausted, emotionally drained, and completely broken. I need a hug more than anything right now. I need your hug!!

Maybe I Just Need Some Assistance from God?

My Grandpa died today. I knew it was coming and yet it hurt. My Grandpa started dying in 1998 when he had his first heart attack. I never actually thought he'd go.
He never said a mean thing to me, he really put me above others and I appreciated it. I'm not sure how I got this priviledge from him, but some how, I was special. I'm going to choose to believe that my Grandfather died at this time in my life because God really knows how much I need an angel right now. Ever since Brian and I split up, my life has been wild. I've felt like I really did find balance in my life, but...I still feel like Brian is "the one" and if he is...then why isn't he with me? I'm very confused by the entire thing and I keep coming back to it in wonder. How could something so wrong, feel so right? How could I feel something and believe so truly in something that didn't exist? I thought he cared for me...he didn't? Even if he didn't - I still care for him. At the least, I want a friendship and he doesn't want that. It hurts to think he sees me like that. I'm not a bad person if you give me a chance. I try very hard to do good. VERY HARD! I'm not self-centered. I'm not at all. In fact, I give too much of myself and sometimes I expect that of others - I know, an error - one I should think I could fix. I give my time and all my pennies to my rescue (which I'm closing in an attempt to truly feel balanced). I just wish that others could see how bad the world needs their help and just do a little bit, a little something to make this world better.

God knows my heart and he knows what my future holds, he apparently is sending me an angel to make it through this time.
I have to also wonder about the break-up's timing. I know that Brian dumped me just when my life started getting rough and I know a true sign of care/love is being there when shit hits the fan. I get it, he didn't care and his exit was just a sign of his greater lack of ability to care. But, we were suppose to leave for Las Vegas two days after he dumped me. One thing I had planned on in Vegas was visiting my Grandpa. Since Brian dumped me I didn't go to Vegas. Was I ment not to? Did God cancel the trip because I wasn't meant to see my Grandpa in the health he was in? Oh, and I guess I should mention that I'm not preggers...for those that were worried...
Life has meaning. Everything happens for a reason...I know I shouldn't attempt to find reason in everything, but if that meaning is on the surface, can't I believe in it?

The Worst 3 Months of My Life

It started in November - the worst three months (perhaps it will be four) of my life.

In November, my niece of three - Elizabeth dislocated her shoulder. My mother fell down and broke her wrist, and I was diagnosed with gastroparesis which will result in months of testing.
Then came December...my grandmother who I adore more than I can even express, had a heart attack and spent a week in the hospital, I was dumped by someone I care deeply for and who I really foresaw something amazing (as you can read about below), my lease expired and I moved into a new apartment (without a roommate), I had to have an EGD and biopsy of my stomach completed on Christmas eve...
Welcome, January...I think we all believed that it just couldn't get any worse, until it did. My body started acting up and the question of pregnancy was brought up (and is still under question with the gyno). My mother has broken out in hives of an unknown sort which are spreading and causing her much itching and pain. Due to a fairly fierce storm, my father's car has now been totalled. I had to have a blood test this week to find out if I'm pregnant - as my body sure thinks I am. Then, today I was told that my grandpa is on a ventilator and is pretty much comatose. Tomorrow, the decision to remove his life line will be made. My grandpa will die tomorrow.

These last three months have been more than I could ever have imagined and I just don't know how to breath any more. I worry what will happen next, what more can our family possibly take?

I woke up with Yoga this morning, it was nice but I need to do it again before bed...poo.
I'm going to take a knitting class this week, I'm looking forward to it since I don't know how to knit and I don't know any one who does. I'm excited by it.

My therapy session yesterday was interesting - as always. She really feels that I have a hard time understanding success. She's right! I think of success as a big end result of many smaller things. I think one can be "successful" until they have something to show for it. Something final. However, sometimes those small steps are their own successes and I need to start acknowledging that in myself and others. I need to start widening my view of success.

She also thinks that my friendship with Brandon is very healthy. Which surprised me as sometimes I really don't think it is. I think that I feel guilty and immoral about this relationship. For no reason apparently. She made a good point - Brandon is a really good person who has accepted all of me, as is...which can't be said for certain other parties. Being that he's the first person who's done this, the fact that I want to keep him as an active part of my life isn't wrong. I explained to her that I think Brandon is a very selfish person; however, again, she pointed out that he is not as selfish as many many others in my life who think that it's okay to accept just parts of me and reject others, or me as a whole. The fact that I don't expect anything from Brandon and that's mutual is apparently one thing that keeps our friendship thriving.

The Storm

I love this weather...but I know I'm probably alone in that feeling.
My mother has said that Woodland pretty much has no power...and unfortunately my fathers car has become a fatality to the storm. A tree apparently landed on it and it is totalled. I guess it was time for a new one.
I'm anxious for my blood test results - so anxious that I'm thinking maybe I'll call them...

Another blood test

I went to another doctor today about a new problem I'm having and sure enough - another blood test. This one makes sense...I think everything will come back negative, but if things come back positive it sure would explain a hell of a lot.
On a different note, Yoga was good today. My shoulders are a bit sore from downward dog but I am certainly stretching new muscles and it's changing my shape, form and spirits. I find myself meditating more than normal and really looking for signs. I'm learning to be present in my every day experience and that alone is very different.

Random Thoughts

Don't feel obligated to follow...
I was told "When we pray, we ask for something. When we meditate, we listen for the answer." Perhaps this is why Yoga feels so good. I'm listening, I know there is energy out there trying to come to me, I just have to find stillness and wait for it.

I think the friendship that Brandon and I have formed is based on crazy misconceptions we both have of each other. How did we get to that place? How is that individuals always get to that place with me? Is it that I'm sending off something that is inaccurate and if so, how do I start to undo that?

Fernando called today, strange timing. I didn't get to chat with him - I was at work, but it's always interesting when we feel the need to call each other. It's a bond that we both have to each other that is deeper than we understand.

I'm trying to learn to listen to my gut again. I haven't done that in a long time. My gut scares me, it doesn't always send me the signal that my heart or head wants and I need to really start focusing and accepting that maybe my gut is right.

I love...I love...I love...maybe I need to stop loving so much. I put a lot of faith in those around me and sometimes they don't really deserve that. I need to start figuring out a way to tell who I can and can't trust and I need to start understanding that how I love isn't the same as how others love. I'm rare in that I truly believe in unconditional love, something that MANY others don't. I really believe that if I love you now, I will love you later - regardless of the bad things you do. I may not like you, but I'll always love you. This is ok - but it's something that I need to really take into consideration when I begin to give myself to others.

You Can't Do That

Why is it that everyone makes assumptions about me? Is it that I'm not open enough? Is it that I'm so open people feel that it's okay to assume what my next reaction or action will be? This one gets me. It really really bothers me. Mainly I suppose, because...you can't do that! It's entirely unfair to assume anything of me since I can't even tell you often times what my next action will be. I'm a work in progress and always will be, nothing can be set in stone when it comes to my feelings, emotions, thoughts, beliefs.
I work very hard to not make any assumptions about you - please do the same for me.

Addiction

First off, I'm a skinny mini right now. I've lost 15 pounds in 2 weeks and still going. I look great and feel awesome!!

On a different note, I have an addiction. I can't get enough, I wake up and I think "Yoga!" I've been doing one hour a day of yoga and I love it! I find myself sleeping in yoga poses, ready to practice early in the morning, and completely unable to miss a day of it. Everyone should try Yoga!!! Don't just try it for 1 day, try at least 2 and see if it works for you. My body feels great, relaxed, energized, stretched...I could go on and on. I'm going to my first two hour Yoga session today and I'm a little scared that it might be too much for me, but I think it's worth the try.