I know I have OCD, that's a major reason for starting the Effexor eight years ago. I keep telling myself that it's under control and in check...and then I start thinking again...maybe it's not. The stuff I dealt with years ago is under check but is has transformed into something different and entirely new.
I have brain streaming.
But more than anything I've noticed lately my ability to get my heart/head (not sure which) set on an idea or person and then I get stuck...in a rut...and can't get out...no matter my efforts...no matter my wants. Then the process of being powerless within myself starts.
These ideas, these people...I think about them in a completely obsessive way that isn't healthy and certainly doesn't make me happy. A way that isn't like anything I've thought about before. Up until about two months ago I was my brain, some how...the brain took over and now I'm just a part of it.
How do I end this cycle? I keep trying to use thought or CBT tricks and that doesn't seem to get me anywhere.
Where did this come from? Christian, I can't get him out of my head! I had things I wanted to say the other night and I didn't, things I now can't stop thinking about. Sure a quick email would suffice for most, but I need a face to face - I need a deeper connection in order to feel that release. In this case, I can probably get what I want...but what happens when I can't - what can I do when I can't take charge of my own mind? It's scary and yet in some way, completely normal.
Anyway, I sent Chris an email saying what was on my mind and requesting a meet-up. It felt good! It felt empowering! It felt like I was me...the me I haven't been in 8 months!!
