Okay, so I started the new book Where To Draw The Line. It's good. If you ever wondered what the heck the bazillion guys you've dated were thinking - it's in here. If you ever wondered how you came to make your own decisions or if those were healthy choices...it's in here. Here's what I'm getting:
"When we withdraw ourselves from the possibility of repeating feeling - by walling out certain feelings (or a certain intensity of feeling), or by not allowing ourselves to repeat such trust, need or love again - we take ourselves into a fortress, a defended state of being."
This is known not as a boundary but as a defense. Something I've often encountered and yet I actively fight in my life to avoid this. I try very hard to let go of things that I learned in past relationships that could be considered defensive rather than boundary oriented. The distinguishment between the two is very hard to make for some and easy for others.
"If you are a punctual person and you have a friend who is usually late, think about what you need. Talk to your friend about how you feel, the message you are getting, and what you want."
This is a method I attempt to use a lot in my life. Identifying how I feel, the message I'm getting and what I want. However, I've found that rarely when I express these things do others understand what I'm doing. I'm not asking for anything in return, I'm showing my boundary, I'm identifying it clearly for them. If you're my friend - know that when I do this I'm not being defensive, I'm attempting to show you where I end and you begin and how this relationship impacts both of us.
"If you live alone and stick to your plans no matter what, this can be okay. But if you are some one's mate or parent, then your style has impact on others."
This makes me want to SCREAM!!!! I've addressed this with many people and no one seems to get it. So many (dare I say it) men don't seem to want to rearrange their schedule for their mates. They rarely understand the impact that it has on the other party. Is this a blind spot for them? Or is it a simple lack of caring?
"If you agree to meet someone at a certain time, you are creating a contract with that person. Every minute that you are late uses a portion of the other person's life."
I think this is one of my core values. I feel hurt and betrayed very quickly when someone takes for granted the minutes of my life. I try very hard to keep a schedule that is punctual so that I don't do this to others, I ask for the same respect in return.
"She loved him personally, but she hated what he was doing and saw it as having no value."
Another touchy subject! I believe you can love someone and not like what they do and see what they do with their time as having no value...but at the same time, aren't we taught to accept the person as a whole? How do the two correlate?
"Boundaries can be used in two ways - by limiting the actions of the people who have hurt you, and by including the people who've shown themselves to be trustworthy."
This is hard for me to stand on because I often don't require individual to prove trustworthiness at the level I should. Also, sometimes individual in my life put up what I considered a boundary when in actuality it was defense since a boundary is only used with individual who have actively hurt you or who are not considered trust worthy...and I am!
"You are not required to adjust your life to accommodate a defensive partner. You do not have to let another person's defended state curtail your own experience."
I struggle here, when I see a person who is defensive I work actively to bring down that wall...as if I can!?! Hahaha! Instead, I need to be recognizing the defensive behavior, noting it and adjusting my trust and opinion based on that and open communication about it.
"Notice what isn't said or what isn't done. What isn't said can be a boundary error. Figuring out what's missing can help you spot a manipulation or explain why an exchange seems off kilter."
Another area that I personally struggle in. I feel like identifying what isn't said and what isn't done puts me in a position of assumption (that's such a horrible word and action - the nasty "a" word). Though it does prove true. By not identifying and communicating the feelings of the things that aren't said or done, manipulation and control issues arise.
"Missing the point is a defense of misdirection. While you are talking about the trees, I'm going to pretend that this conversation is about the forest. A clever defender takes a tack that is close enough to fool the initiator into thinking that the real issue is being addressed."
Damn it! I fell for this one really bad in my last relationship. I would say that I was angry about something and he would make it about the bigger pictures. I would go along with it and get fooled! For example there was this girl that I didn't like him being around. He therefore made it that I didn't like him around ALL single gals...not my issue, any yet I got fooled. Very sneaky and clever defense. Being aware of this I will certainly be able to identify and take power over situations such as these next time.
"The defense of attacking is continued, while bringing up an old argument that, undoubtedly, has been argued many times before. Getting a partner into a tried-and-true prior argument is in itself a good defense."
This is the most aggravating thing on earth! Once an issue has been addressed and talked about. Either you are satisfied with the conclusion or not. Either you move on...or not. Don't move on and thing bring it up again later. That's crazy-making!
"Here is a multiple defense...She is portraying him as being out of line when he is behaving naturally given the circumstances. She is also overstating his true and natural feeling."
Wow! Just when I think maybe I was crazy about x issue or y issue...this author points out that I was entirely grounded in my thinking.
More quotes:
"When we overstate how someone is behaving, that is a defense. The person is mirrored incorrectly, which can throw them off and make them feel wrong."
"We are geniuses at survival. Whatever is inside us that leads to an experience of pain, betrayal, or abandonment, we can lock away."
"If we don't act on our own behalf, we will lose spirit, resourcefulness, energy, health, perspective and resilience. We must take ourselves out of violating situations for the sake of our wholeness."
