My Grandpa died today. I knew it was coming and yet it hurt. My Grandpa started dying in 1998 when he had his first heart attack. I never actually thought he'd go.
He never said a mean thing to me, he really put me above others and I appreciated it. I'm not sure how I got this priviledge from him, but some how, I was special. I'm going to choose to believe that my Grandfather died at this time in my life because God really knows how much I need an angel right now. Ever since Brian and I split up, my life has been wild. I've felt like I really did find balance in my life, but...I still feel like Brian is "the one" and if he is...then why isn't he with me? I'm very confused by the entire thing and I keep coming back to it in wonder. How could something so wrong, feel so right? How could I feel something and believe so truly in something that didn't exist? I thought he cared for me...he didn't? Even if he didn't - I still care for him. At the least, I want a friendship and he doesn't want that. It hurts to think he sees me like that. I'm not a bad person if you give me a chance. I try very hard to do good. VERY HARD! I'm not self-centered. I'm not at all. In fact, I give too much of myself and sometimes I expect that of others - I know, an error - one I should think I could fix. I give my time and all my pennies to my rescue (which I'm closing in an attempt to truly feel balanced). I just wish that others could see how bad the world needs their help and just do a little bit, a little something to make this world better.
God knows my heart and he knows what my future holds, he apparently is sending me an angel to make it through this time.
I have to also wonder about the break-up's timing. I know that Brian dumped me just when my life started getting rough and I know a true sign of care/love is being there when shit hits the fan. I get it, he didn't care and his exit was just a sign of his greater lack of ability to care. But, we were suppose to leave for Las Vegas two days after he dumped me. One thing I had planned on in Vegas was visiting my Grandpa. Since Brian dumped me I didn't go to Vegas. Was I ment not to? Did God cancel the trip because I wasn't meant to see my Grandpa in the health he was in? Oh, and I guess I should mention that I'm not preggers...for those that were worried...
Life has meaning. Everything happens for a reason...I know I shouldn't attempt to find reason in everything, but if that meaning is on the surface, can't I believe in it?
