A Rush

WOW! WOW! WOW! I had a meetup today for Pomeranians and as I was leaving the site I saw the ex (Brian) with another girl. WOW! At first my heart raced, my stomach attempted to empty and I felt entirely dizzy all over. Then it went away and I realized that I wasn't even hurt by it. I was shocked, yes...a little amazed perhaps...but okay.

I guess I feel okay because even looking at him with someone else I didn't see him. He wasn't the person I remember him being at all and I was reminded of what our relationship was not. I was reminded that everything about our time together wasn't real. Our every moment wasn't what I thought it was. It was odd...it was like staring at your own life from the outside.

Bits of the rush are still with me, like that feeling of utter nausea, of wanting to vomit and wanting to take form in the fetal position and just close your eyes.

Elisha once told me, what you need to realize is that when he dumped you, it really had nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. She said "it would have happened no matter who he was with." She's right and I think because I understand this, it has made me able to see him with someone else and to think - I hope he's happy. I hope he doesn't treat her the same as he did me.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
On a different note, I'm about to head out to my next event for the day and I'm excited! I'll let you know how it goes. Before I get there I need to find a shoe store and buy some black flats though...my outfit for my last event of the evening requires them!

Doctor Update and Control

Lots to say, but let's start with:

--Control--
I think after much talk and thought, Brian has control issues. He has to be in control. He decided when we took the relationship to the next level, when he met my family, and when our relationship ended. He controlled the break-up and now he's controlling how and when he comes back into my life. I don't get any say in any of it, at all! He has told me not to call him and so I don't. He can email and ask me questions but I don't feel that I can ask things in return. I'm not sure why he feels that he needs to control everything but that's not my concern. I could care less about the why, it's the intention that is important to me. Does he know he has control issues and is that what he has been trying to do all along or is this something he isn't even aware of? Did he dump me because he realized that I was catching on? He'd say thing like "I like it when you wear x." or "You should wear your hair like z." Of course, I'd try to please and do it. Just before we broke up, he said he liked something and I told him "Oh well, I wear y because it's comfy and I'm not gonna wear x." Was I too strong for him? Did his loss of power result in his complete freak out?


--Doctor Update--
Went to the doc and I'm moving forward. I'm coming off the Effexor. AHHH! I'm scared and excited all the same. It's the time in my life when I need to do this and I have to keep faith in myself that I can do this! Starting tomorrow, the process begins and I can definitely do this!

Good night and then a rant...

I had a good night. Dinner was great - we went to The Cheesecake Factory. I was too full for desert so I missed the best part...but oh well.
I learned new and interesting things about people, my main goal for the night.
I also realized that I can't remember the last time I had a kiss that really took my breathe away. I know it's happened but I just can't remember when...aren't those the important details of life that you should be able to remember and cherish?
Well, I'm completely exhausted and home alone tonight - that's right - Chewy and Wally are out and about and I have the house in all its quietness to myself. I'll knit a bit, watch some TV and crash...wherever I want. Maybe even the couch if I'm feeling daring.


BEGIN RANT:
After a few drinks about a week back on the boat with Brandon I sent Brian a request to be my friend. He ignored it...until today...now in fact. As to the rant / panic attack set hince forth. Let me start with the whole drinks thing and how it got me to my computer. I had been out on the boat with Brandon as normally as a way of getting over someone I sleep with him and feel better about myself. Well, I found myself on the boat and not wanting to sleep with anyone. Not a sole but Brian and so I left the boat and went home to send my email.

Can I be his friend? I'm still head over heels for him and think about him on a daily basis - can you be friends with someone you still have an "emotional attachment" (as we all know I am very careful in this area of wording) to?
I fucked things up with him and I have so much guilt and resentment at myself for it that I don't know if I can have the friendship I want with him. Yet, I feel like I have to try - I HAVE TO. His presence in my life in any form is better than none at all.
(Stage note: She finds the valium and takes a few...handfuls) How can I feel like this for someone who doesn't care for me? Someone who disappeared from my life for three months, really really fucking hard months, when all I needed was a friend? A hug?
I'm crazy to miss him. I know it. My therapist thinks I was pushing him away...not intentionally but unintentionally as I was getting too attached and I paniced since he wasn't expressing what he was feeling and I couldn't express my own feelings. We discussed things I felt and did that I don't normally do and really don't care about...yet I did them with him. Why? Did I want him to leave me? NO! She thinks that I was just testing him. Testing him to see if he cared for me in the same way that I cared for him...according to her - he failed. This being an answer to whether his feelings were the same as mine...not the answer I was looking for...but an answer none the less.
I keep thinking he's going to call or show up on my door step and tell me that he made a mistake. Deep down I know that's not going to happen. He doesn't have those feelings for me and I have to get over it. It's been a month and I have to accept that I haven't been on his mind. He doesn't miss me. He doesn't want to call me. If he felt anything for me, he would have already picked up the phone and called...don't you think? He would have already tried to express himself...don't you think?

Perhaps I'm insane tonight since I missed Yoga. I'll Yoga in the morning and maybe my brain will settle back into a state of normalcy. If not, then I'll Yoga again and run and run and yoga some more.

Maybe I Just Need Some Assistance from God?

My Grandpa died today. I knew it was coming and yet it hurt. My Grandpa started dying in 1998 when he had his first heart attack. I never actually thought he'd go.
He never said a mean thing to me, he really put me above others and I appreciated it. I'm not sure how I got this priviledge from him, but some how, I was special. I'm going to choose to believe that my Grandfather died at this time in my life because God really knows how much I need an angel right now. Ever since Brian and I split up, my life has been wild. I've felt like I really did find balance in my life, but...I still feel like Brian is "the one" and if he is...then why isn't he with me? I'm very confused by the entire thing and I keep coming back to it in wonder. How could something so wrong, feel so right? How could I feel something and believe so truly in something that didn't exist? I thought he cared for me...he didn't? Even if he didn't - I still care for him. At the least, I want a friendship and he doesn't want that. It hurts to think he sees me like that. I'm not a bad person if you give me a chance. I try very hard to do good. VERY HARD! I'm not self-centered. I'm not at all. In fact, I give too much of myself and sometimes I expect that of others - I know, an error - one I should think I could fix. I give my time and all my pennies to my rescue (which I'm closing in an attempt to truly feel balanced). I just wish that others could see how bad the world needs their help and just do a little bit, a little something to make this world better.

God knows my heart and he knows what my future holds, he apparently is sending me an angel to make it through this time.
I have to also wonder about the break-up's timing. I know that Brian dumped me just when my life started getting rough and I know a true sign of care/love is being there when shit hits the fan. I get it, he didn't care and his exit was just a sign of his greater lack of ability to care. But, we were suppose to leave for Las Vegas two days after he dumped me. One thing I had planned on in Vegas was visiting my Grandpa. Since Brian dumped me I didn't go to Vegas. Was I ment not to? Did God cancel the trip because I wasn't meant to see my Grandpa in the health he was in? Oh, and I guess I should mention that I'm not preggers...for those that were worried...
Life has meaning. Everything happens for a reason...I know I shouldn't attempt to find reason in everything, but if that meaning is on the surface, can't I believe in it?

Another Sleepless Night

"This is the kind of dream where everything too terrible to imagine suddenly happens, it happens when your back is turned, just when you think everything is fine." (Alice Hoffman, At Risk)


Not a wink of sleep...none. For some reason I tossed and turned so much last night that even the dogs didn't want to sleep in the same bed. By 3am I finally decided to give up and moved to the living room where the hum of the fish tank and air filter attempted to sooth me.

Have I mentioned that I have the most amazing friends? Last night I spoke with Alena, again. Her wisdom astounds me. I think perhaps she was a wise, old, Indian woman in her past life. She explained to me that perhaps the happiness I've had over the last few months were only a small portion of what I will experience...in the future. She prescribed me with some self time, something I've been lacking lately due to the dog rescue. She also suggested that I really sit down with my roommate and make sure he understands that I really do value his friendship and want to make sure that our move into separate dwellings doesn't put an end to it.
Speaking of the roommate, he read the letter and he thinks that perhaps I got dumped - not because this guy actually wanted to break up with me, but because he felt forced. He's wise too - have I mentioned that? We stayed up not that late, watching a peculiar show on the TV. His presence can be a real comfort to me sometimes, and other times, not. It's strange how that works.

I was suppose to go play doubles tennis after work today with some individuals I've never met, however this morning I failed to find my racquet.

If You're Not The One by D.B.

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I'll never know what the future brings
But I know you're here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
I don't want to run away but I can't take it,
I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?

Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my husband?

I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life
I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am

Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side
I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I could stay in your arms

CRUSHED!

Just breath...that's where I'm at. The crying is still hard to control but breathing is getting easier.
I miss him like a mad woman. I called and cancelled my rock climbing lesson today...well not really...I just keep telling myself I need to. I could always just no show on Saturday and that's the same as cancelling - just different. I had wanted to learn some stuff so I could go with him and make him proud. No such luck and although I'd still like to try it, I think now is not the best time for that. I don't need any more reminders of him. He's on my mind all the time already. I really thought I'd found the person I was ment to be with. I thought if only he's be opening in his feelings we'd be perfect, and I mean PERFECT.
Right now I just need to remember to put one foot in front of the other and keep going...like I always do.

The Love of my Life

Have you ever thought you'd found someone you were going to marry? Have a baby with? Love forever? And then watched them turn their back and walk away from you? I have. I'm now scared, alone and completely confused. How can something that felt so right...be...so wrong. I wasn't aware that I could be that happy. He showed me a little bit of perfection and the life I really wanted and then left me.
There was so little I didn't like about him. I liked his rock climbing, his desire to be a photographer, his love for his dog, his compassion and want to do something to make himself happy. I'm just really heartbroken that his happiness doesn't include me.