The Hearing

I had my EDD hearing today. I was so scared. I took a Klonopin before going because I though I might loooooose my mind. I did great, I'm so proud! I didn't cry and I didn't throw up. I kept my cool and made my case clear.
When I got there I though I was gonna melt. Strangely, a complete stranger caught my eye. I sat down next to her and told her how scared I was. She helped me so much. I wish I knew who she was so I could thank her. She made a huge difference on my day. It's amazing how someone you don't know can enter your life for only a few brief seconds and change the entire course of your day.

Tough Knocks

I did something I shouldn't have, something high school-ish and stupid and of course it's come around to bite me in the ass. Worst part is that this ass biting is really making me think.
I have a really big decision to make and I need to do it. I've been dragging my feet and making excuses for myself and I've got to stop. I have to do this!!!
About a month ago Cinnamon and I were talking about a boy. This boy has become a vested interest of mine. He's been around and not around, but ultimately I seem to think that there was always something worth saving there. In talking with her, we decided that maybe really there wasn't anything there. Maybe what I always was gaining from him was knowledge. He always taught me stuff. New and exciting things. But...we agreed that maybe he doesn't have anything more to teach me. In which case, I really can't hold on any longer. I have to cut him out.
This may be one of the hardest things I've ever done. It may be the most emotionally painful experience I've ever been through but I know I'll come out better in the end.

I spoke with Elisha about this today, when I finally realized I had a decision to make and she said that she truly believes that 23-30 are the hardest years of your life. I'm starting to think that. After all, in December (the month I turned 23 in) I got dumped and things have been changing ever since. Change is hard!! The outcomes are far better than I could ever expect and I've learned SO much in just a short period of time. But gosh, change hurts and it's hard and it's draining and more than anything...it's scary.

I've deleted his telephone numbers from my cell phone, I've deleted all our old texts and emails, and I took that one little piece of paper from my book that had his number on it and I fed it through the garbage disposal. I have to stop this! I have to become the stronger person and I have to be able to say for me when enough is enough! I may cry for the next five hours but I'll come out better - stronger - wiser - intact.

Grounding

I'm in this really strange and scary place of self discovery, a level of it that many people never even get to. But I'm there and I'm learning and trying and waiting for something great to be revealed to me. But what I forget is that it comes in small glimpses of perfection. Tiny moments of being present, real and open. I had a few of those tonight.
The first one was at Sweetwater, a local stomping ground. A group of about 40 of us Peakies were there to wish Andrea (the marketing director) farewell. My perfect moment happened when I was sitting next to Brad, Taylor, Mark, and Joslyn and I looked around the room. It was a group of 40 people I know, I love and respect. People who have mutual feelings for me as well. It was strange to be in a room and look around and feel like you're with family...maybe not even feel - know. Knowing that everyone in that room would be there to support me if I ever needed them. Knowing that we could name every person who wasn't there and know that they were with us in spirit. Knowing that I have this amazing group of friends, larger and stronger than I ever expected. It was extremely powerful! All day I had been stressing about an issue, an issue I had got myself caught up in and couldn't let my head release. But this moment brought me back down to earth and grounded me.
After dinner I had another perfect moment...one that I'm not going to get into details over because the details don't matter all that much to anyone other than me. But, it was a moment in a setting that I didn't expect, with a person I didn't expect, doing nothing really...but being together in a real moment.

The Self We Invision

Reminder to self: must keep two feet on the ground, ass in the chair, head on the shoulders!

Warning: Extremely personal and heartfelt. Read with sensitivity.

There's a lot going on in my mind right now. As some of you may know, I was "seeing" someone for about a month recently and it ended quick...like instantly. This situation brought up a lot of feelings, emotions, thoughts, struggles within me. Very much a personal issue and completely unrelated to this individual. Please pardon the lack of transitions in this tale...

I was reminded this week upon the abrupt end of this..."relationship" (mind you it was never official) why I don't date. I removed myself from the dating scene in January of this year and have not had a single relationship since. At the time, it seemed appropriate to focus on my own mental health. To which I have since spent extensive time attempting to better understand myself and get in touch with my soul. Some where along the line of my life, my mind took over and my soul took second place. In the course of several months I learned much about myself. I also learned many things about my failed relationships (both platonic and not). I also began a journey to find the voice within me, one that I don't remember ever hearing. Some said you have to stop listening to your mind and listen to your heart/soul. I hate this saying, it's all too touchy of a subject for me. I'm not sure I have one...I am taking a giant leap of faith in saying...I believe I have this within me and I am DETERMINED to find it and hear it speak.

Since my journey in January began, I lost sight of what I was seeking. I believe this happened in about July when I became restless and began to take too much pride in my new found knowledge (which included both emotional, mental and physical sensations that I had never experienced and had been numb to). I hadn't intended on dating anyone, yet this amazing guy fell into my lap and I had no ability to walk away...even though the relationship ended, I am taking SO much away from it.

I have been reminded that I am not ready to date. Not at all!! I am reminded of my goal for myself and why I started out on this journey in January, which I so welcome to begin again. I have much to learn...so much! I told a friend in January that I felt behind, like my eyes were opened and all of a sudden I realized that the world had passed me by. I lost sight of my goals. Goals for my heart and soul that I need to return to attending to. That means no, I can't date. I'm not ready. I need to make sure that I have more time in nature, more time to feel my body and know what it can and can't do, more time to try new things and success or not, but most importantly more time to consider my boundaries, my morals, my beliefs and how I can be present in every situation while maintaining that integrity.

Dream

I write this with much hesitation and angst. I don’t want to. I really don’t want to. But, I must…
Last night I had a dream about Brian Vaughn (deep breath). It was intense and rather not meaningful, but it still stirred up those thoughts and feelings that I hadn’t been in touch with recently. He had been rather far from my mind for a while and yet…apparently…he’s still very much on it.
A few weeks ago, I bought a card for him. I had decided that I was going to write him a thank you and send it on my way to Maine. I’m thankful to him in a way that doesn’t make any sense really since he really was a complete ass in the way that he handled our whole situation. Some time ago I decided that I really didn’t want to attempt a friendship with him because I knew his true personality (as seen during the break-up) and it wasn’t of a person I respected or wanted a friendship with. Yet, I felt compelled to send a thank you. I bought a really flippin’ cool card, one I liked and I told myself I would write that letter ASAP. Well, I still haven’t written it and I don’t think I’m going to! Although I’m thankful, I’m not entirely sure that he’s deserving of that knowledge. Again, he really was rude, disrespectful, and to some degree deceitful in our encounters and for that I’m still very angry, mainly angry at myself for falling for it all…but also angry that anyone could be so untrue to another human being. It’s almost as if I’ve come to believe that this form of lying or deception…whatever it really was…is the worst thing you can do to another human being.
Anyway, dropping that…the thank you was to say that I’m so glad my eyes were opened by him. I’d never encountered anyone who let me believe so much un-real…stuff…Our encounter really opened my eyes to a new type of person in the world. One I hadn’t encountered before and one that I deep down was choosing not to acknowledge. I am also thankful for our breakup because of all the good that has come into my life because of it. Without that encounter, I would have continued to live in the numb…I would have continued to live an obscenely unbalanced life, I would have kept my eyes closed to all the good that was right in front of me. Instead, I have found a center for myself within my self, I have found balance in my days, I have found meaning in everything around me, I have come to understand and enjoy people…yes!! Can you imagine…I have learned to see good in everything in a way that I never expected. I am so thankful for the pain I went through, it changed me in ways I didn’t realize needed changing. My friends feel that this was something I did entirely on my own, but I feel that without his push over that cliff, I never would have made it.
No, I’m not going to send that thank you. No, I’m not going to reach out and try and be his friend, he clearly doesn’t want my friendship or he would have come to me. He clearly isn’t ready for what I have to offer and I have so many people in my life who are ready and deserving and I owe it to myself and to them to send that energy in the correct direction.
In conclusion, I think it is safe to end with something Cinnamon told me about the whole experience and a way of reflecting – “I am sorry for not seeing you. I am sorry you did not see me. My energy was so focused on you seeing me that I missed seeing you.” I guess my dream was really a reminder that it’s important not forget these things. As I take my life in a direction that holds much potential and joy, I hope that others understand that sometimes pain leads to greatness.

Oops, too much

I went to yoga for an hour and then hit Pipe Works for two hours...oops...I thought I could handle it...but...well...at about 9pm I started to hurt and I know that if I go to sleep I'm going to be flippin' hurting in the morning. Yikes! I did too much exercise and will now have to pay the price. Poo!

On a different note, I had a good day. I took the day of work to do stuff that I wanted to do...I did fun stuff in the morning then went to lunch with my best friend. It KICKED ASS! It was this odd eating experience at a place I've never been and I can't even begin to tell you about it...you wouldn't understand. Anyway, after that I dealt with school stuff. I've got a lot to get done and a lot that feels out of my power but that's okay...I'll deal with it one foot in front of the other.

I'm really excited about the pub crawl on Saturday. I'm going to drink!!! I feel stable and in control and I think that I'm in a place where drinking will be okay and perhaps...even...fun! WOW!

Don't Stand So Close to Me

I'm sure you've heard that great 80's song, "Don't Stand So Close to Me," I wanted to send a word out to you - you - you- you know who you are...stop standing so close!!! Hahaha!

Anyway, today was good, I feel this inner love. It's tingly and warm and it feels like I wanna cry about it - don't ask why...I'm not even sure.

I got a phone call today from Apollo. I haven't heard from him in far too long. We chatted a bit about life and love. Apollo's been a good friend of mine for about five years now and at the end of a good conversation he'll always tell me "see you in six months." I have a tendency to come in and out of friendships and Apollo knows that sometimes I just need some breathing room. He's the same way.
Our conversation was interesting, I've never talked with Apollo about love before because I have always been so convinced that it's not something I have ever felt. So we chatted about how live with this feeling and it was productive and good. I miss him! He lives in Utah and is one of my twp guy friends that isn't one of "those guy friends."

Do you miss someone? How do you deal with that?

I miss someone today. I miss someone, something I don't do too often but something that I'm learning can take a lot of depth to understand. I feel content and balanced but I feel the absence of this person today, I feel it strong within my guy, within my throat and within my heart.

Do you miss someone? Why don't you call them?

I'm sure you have your reasons, I have mine too...perhaps the cell phone or the telephone in general really wasn't that great of an invention.

Change

I have absolutely nothing that I have to do today. Is that the weirdest thing ever? I think it's been about two years since I've been able to say that.
I don't have a boyfriend to entertain, a friend to "play" with, a breakfast/lunch/dinner to attend, no dogs to rescue, no chores to do, no homework, no class, nothing required of me! WOW!
I'm actually a little stressed out by it. Go figure! It's almost as if I've forgotten how to entertain myself.
I went to Yoga this morning and got my ass kicked. BIG TIME! I don't remember ever sweating that much and enjoying it. Then I went and picked up a puzzle and some movies. Now...I can do anything...will I walk my dogs? Paint my nails? Pick my nose? I can do whatever I want. OH MY GOD that seems like a lot of pressure for me!
Deep breathing, deep breathing...
I'm going to try on my new bikini that I got for the ocean this summer. I'm excited about that. What else? No telling, no expectations, no wants, no desires...

It's Hammer Time

Went out with the girls tonight...they're still out partying, I decided to call it...don't ask why, it wasn't the funniest story ever.
We went out to eat and I ordered Mushroom/Chicken Fettecine. It arrived with a shrimp in it...one shrimp - no biggie but the waitress told the manager and he came over and personally apologized...it was comical in it's own right.

Then we hopped over to Benny's on Q. It was neat, we sat outside drinking it up and chatting. Here's the group gathered around one of the nice little heaters they have out back:

From left: Elyssa, Turalie, Pricilla, Paul, Nicole. In the front: Anna and ME

Pricilla drove all the way from San Francisco just to celebrate Turalie's birthday with us...isn't that sweet!!




Then we hit the club and it was hot and comical all the same. A few drinks in, Pricilla, Elyssa and I started taking photos in front of the fan...some are better than others...this one was only so-so...but funny none the less!

The bouncer tried to get me to have some drinks with him. Cute, but not my scene. I'm not a bar hopper and certainly not a club goer!!! I haven't been to a club in about a year...and that was with Alena and Akiko - which makes it something totally different. Anyway, because I'm trying to do something new and different at least once a week I thought this would be a good place to start. It was! It tested my comfort level in a variety of ways but I was still able to find my center and enjoy the time out.

Next week, me and "On Divorced Men" are going up to Feather Falls for a hike/climb. Not sure what to expect their but should be fun!

_____

On a different note, I had some thoughts today...first, I need to take up a volunteer position that I devote at least 2 hours a week to. As it is, I don't feel like I'm giving and I think that something that doesn't put a lot of pressure on me but still allows me to give would be great. Maybe cooking on the weekends at the homeless shelter...

Another thing, when I got home tonight, there was a tape on my porch...I think I'm being stalked. I haven't looked at it or put in the player...I just thought it odd that someone bothered to leave something on my steps. No note. No nothing...very odd!

What Dreams May Come

Do you ever stop and think, did I smoke crack today? There are moments in my life where I wonder if maybe I smoked some REALLY strong crack and it was so powerful that I forgot I even smoked it. Get the picture?

Sometimes I (like all of us) do really stupid things. I call people I shouldn't, I say things I don't mean, I go along with thing I don't agree with, I email when I shouldn't...well...today I did one of those things and when I realized that I couldn't undo it, I just resigned myself to it. I do that often - resign myself.

As most of you have experienced with me, I call you, say things, email you...whatever...things I shouldn't do and things I don't stand behind or mean. Things that aren't me!! The best people in my life know where the me begins and the crack ends. In the past six months I've done some stupid shit...including the email from today and a complete over reaction to a break up (which I can laugh comically at now, how crazy can I get sometimes? Here's an example!! HAHAH!)...and many many more...I giggle...I can't help it, sometimes those raw reactions happen.

The best thing we can do is let them, accept them, and then let them go. Yes, we betray ourselves in the worst ways. The worst betrayal in the world is the kind we do to ourselves, the ones where we don't hold firm to our own personal morals and values. The little white lies we tell to ourselves to make us "feel better", the times we give in when we shouldn't, and for some, not even knowing where your integrity stands.

I know where my integrity stands. I was told once - "have 5 core values that you can count on one hand." These are values that are entirely me and any time I betray those, I'm only killing my own soul. These values are what is left when I stripped of my possessions and everything that can possible leave me in life. My 5 values that create an integrity in me are:
1. Family
2. Truth/Openness
3. Canine Companionship
4. Achievement (the idea of putting all your effort into everything you do that matters)
5. Perspective (Identifying and being aware of more than just one point of view)

____________

Yesterday was overall contented...work was hard, bills were plentiful and life was...I anticipating getting to Yoga all day since I was clearly upset from the inside out. But when I got to Yoga, I wasn't anticipating the degree of emotional displacement I would feel. WOW! I knew I was upset and had been pushing the feelings down all day, but this little release sure felt like a huge shift. It brought it to the surface and it woke me up straight. You'd have to feel it to understand it.

Anyway, the Beaver came over last night to hang out with Wally and me. He was rather comical in his words. We were chatting after a movie about life and expectations. He commented on the change in me, he said "I think it took that other Brian to knock the crazy out of you." I laugh even now thinking about it. That's a great line!! I certainly don't feel like the crazy got knocked out of me, but I do feel that something inside shifted and that has allowed me something greater than I thought possible. Something I didn't realize was missing in my life.

Now, let's discuss bills (I'm sure this is everyone's favorite topic). I got a bill in the mail yesterday that I knew was coming but was hoping would look a little nicer :)
It's a $1,500 bill for my stomach biopsy on December 24th. The shitty part of this is that it's my health insurance deductible and it's based on calendar year. So when I get my stomach implant in the next few weeks - I'll have to pay the $1,500 all over again since it's now 2008!!! Grrrrr...

Oh...I'm thinking about settling down. I went and looked at a house and it's cute, not the one for me, but the idea that I might actually buy something and committee to my life doesn't seem as scary as it use to.

I'm such a dingbat...I almost forgot the purpose of this post...I had a dream last night. Not just any dream but...a nightmare. It was horrid in the make you wanna throw up everything you've ever eatin' sorta way. The worst part was that no matter how much I tossed and turned, I couldn't change my dream pattern and I kept returning to the same darn thing. I know I'm focused right now on 'going with the flow' but I was wondering if maybe, just maybe, the flow could be a little kinder to me. I'm still in a very new place and I could really use a break from the bad energy.

The Good Things We See In Others

In (of course) a written correspondence with a good friend of mine, he wrote:
"Well, well. You've got some major changes going in your life, don't you? Two months without a Midori Sour? That's impressive in its own right, not to mention going off the meds, too. Sounds like somebody might be getting settled into her own skin ... ;)"

I can't say that I thought this on my own. I wouldn't say that I felt "settled" into my own skin but yes, I am becoming more at peace with my reality - I suppose...I do like my skin and feel some what at ease with it.

The no meds, no alcohol, no caffine, and upped exercise has really made a change for me.

First, the no meds. I never thought I'd be in this place in my life. It had always seemed so scary! Although, Kay Jamison did write "pills cannot, do not, ease one back into reality; they only bring one back headlong, careening, and faster than can be endured at times." I felt like this really hit home for me. My medications had become such a concrete part of my own reality that they were beginning to push me in directions that weren't healthy and yet I held fast. Living without them has been hard, coming off them much easier than I had thought...yet...I will confess that since Saturday morning my heart rate has been faster than I'd like and my mind more scattered and fragmented than I'd like. I suppose certain stimuli still create that reaction for me...but, the realization of these facts and the knowledge that I can handle this without medication, without those emergency pills I carry on me...really feels empowering. I'm pill free for one month on Monday!!!! ME!!!

Second, no alcohol and no caffine! I came off both because without the medications I really needed to focus on only putting the good into my body until I am in a place that's firm enough to alter that state. No telling if I'll get there in a month, a year, a decade...but until I find that place and know that I'm not going to be without it under the imfluence of these drugs, I don't think that either of these products are of any use to me. This friend of mine, knew how I used alcohol to relieve my discomfort in an unhealthy way and he's right - this is a rather remarkable thing for me to walk away from. But, I am strong enough in myself and I suppose, settled into my own skin, in a way that allows me to control these emotions without the help of something like alcohol.

I think that the best things in ourselves are the things that others see and we can't. The things that are pushed back into our minds that we don't acknowledge until brought forth by someone in our lives. Those are the things that are fundamentally who we are and those are the things that make each and every individual so unique and precious.

Words of Wisdom

So, in response to an email I sent...my "On Divorced Men" friend about running into the ex and yet not really running into him - how it affected me, what I felt, what I didn't feel, and how I'm thinking about it all...he wrote the following email (my comments to his letter in the blue)...:

As twisted as this might sound at first, it's actually good for you to be somewhat freaking out after seeing your ex with another woman. This means you're actually allowing yourself to feel emotion! Gasp! I'm not sure you've ever allowed yourself to do this. He knows me well...as he took note of and I've come to realize, this ex was the first guy I've had feelings for in over five years. It's sad to me to think that I'm not capable of feeling those emotions more regularly and yet...I feel lucky to have felt them at all, even if it was super short lived. It gives me hope that in the future I'll feel it again and maybe sometime down the road, it will be right and real and...yes...that scary word...LOVE. Mind you I've only said "I love you" in that way to one man in my entire life. I won't say it if I don't mean it.

Power

I'm really working on understanding, identifying and taking control of power in my life.
Yesterday I made a commanding decision that felt good and was right for me. When told to do something on someone elses time schedule and knowing that I wasn't okay with that, I told someone "no, that really doesn't work for me." Afterwards, instead of feeling guilty - I felt empowered.

Today, I starting thinking about a few other things in my life that hold power and the ways in which I have let go of that power without thinking about it first. I'm stopping that, I'm taking control but not dominating, just trying to find that good solid balance.

I went to Vinyasa Yoga this morning and it kicked my butt. With the medication change up, I'm entirely off balance and spinning. I can't stand on one leg...it's rather comical to watch me attempt Yoga right now. The new medications aren't that strong but that's okay, maybe I can find a balance in my life without the need for something that I can't relinquish.

Doctor Update and Control

Lots to say, but let's start with:

--Control--
I think after much talk and thought, Brian has control issues. He has to be in control. He decided when we took the relationship to the next level, when he met my family, and when our relationship ended. He controlled the break-up and now he's controlling how and when he comes back into my life. I don't get any say in any of it, at all! He has told me not to call him and so I don't. He can email and ask me questions but I don't feel that I can ask things in return. I'm not sure why he feels that he needs to control everything but that's not my concern. I could care less about the why, it's the intention that is important to me. Does he know he has control issues and is that what he has been trying to do all along or is this something he isn't even aware of? Did he dump me because he realized that I was catching on? He'd say thing like "I like it when you wear x." or "You should wear your hair like z." Of course, I'd try to please and do it. Just before we broke up, he said he liked something and I told him "Oh well, I wear y because it's comfy and I'm not gonna wear x." Was I too strong for him? Did his loss of power result in his complete freak out?


--Doctor Update--
Went to the doc and I'm moving forward. I'm coming off the Effexor. AHHH! I'm scared and excited all the same. It's the time in my life when I need to do this and I have to keep faith in myself that I can do this! Starting tomorrow, the process begins and I can definitely do this!

The Big Day is Coming

I've hit my target weight. That means that in one months I've dropped 25 pounds!!!! Now I need to work on toning what I've got since I still have a few problem areas. The amazing part of the weight loss, is that this time, I didn't shrink in the butt or boobs...yippee!!

Anyway, the big day is coming and I am now officially starting to get nervous. Very nervous for that matter. Up until today, I just saw the day as so far off that I wasn't stressing, then today...it hit me. Tomorrow is the big day!!!
I'm going into the doc and I'm coming out with a plan for a drug free lifestyle. I'm legitimately scared! I've been on Effexor for eight years and it has been good to me. I remember when I first went on it and the reasons. I remember the life I was living at that time and I can't imagine going back to that. I know it's a fear that has no base now, I'm a different person and I have a great support system for coming off the drug. Yet, I'm constantly in a state of questioning myself - am I ready? It would be a huge success to come off it. I need to have faith in myself and my own strength. I need to remember that I am "good enough" and I deserve this.

I'm hoping to take an Ayurveda workshop next week. It's a sister practice to Yoga that works on centering the tridosha. The idea is that when these aspects of your life are aligned and cared for properly, your body will be healthy. It's an all natural lifestyle system that helps to center, balance and focus your life. It's about eating right, exercising and maintaining an equilibrium of the self.


Side note:
I'm working on stepping out of my little box and trying things that I wouldn't normally do or things that make me uncomfortable. I recommend everyone do it!!! I'm loving it, surprisingly enough. So far I've learned that I enjoy climbing and I've made three great new girl friends.
Friday after work, I'm getting together with a group and we're driving to San Jose to hit up an "Adult Arcade" called Dave and Buster's. Not sure how this is different from a casino, but I'm gonna try it anyway!

New-Ness

New-ness is the theme today. I went climbing and had an absolute BLAST! I should have tried this sooner. Everyone should try it at least once. My arms a little shaky and sore but with practice it will all be well.
After that I went out and bought a new camera. I got a digital camera so that I can take pictures of all this wonderful new-ness. My mother came out to visit and hit Target with me. We picked out some really cute new Yoga clothes. They look hot and show off my new figure. Did I mention that I'm now only 5 pounds from my target weight. That means that since December I've lost 20 pounds!!!! I've also developed muscle and look great. I'm proud. I can wear anything I want and feel good about myself.
I have a new fetish with knitted shoes. Have you seen these things? They are comfy as all get out! I have two pairs and I can't take them off...hehehe.
I emailed Brian for the first time since he told me fuck off. I haven't heard back but that's okay, he needs time to get his head straight too. I wonder what he's been thinking? I'll probably never know...but that's just how it goes when you ...

Following a long day of hiking, climbing and yoga...I show off my stuff...hahaha!

River Flow

Went to the river this morning to do Anusara Flow Yoga and 22 people turned out! It was a great time! We did Yoga for over an hour and I had a really positive Shivasna. Only thing is that with that many people, it was hard for us all to fit and be able to take some of the poses...but it worked out.
I'm still very unbalanced (emotionally and physically). I can't take revolving moon at all. I fall over...I need to work on balancing a little more - I'm almost there though.
I'm thinking since I missed Yoga so much this week I might go out again tonight for more Yoga. My body has been really stiff and needs it. I almost knotted up during downward dog...silly, that's my favorite pose.

Suez said she might join me for Yoga this week - that would be cool. Mandy also said she might do the drink thing with the group this Wednesday. I hope she goes. I adore Mandy. She has such a white heart.

I need to pick a color for my wall in my living room. I've been putting it off since Brian and I were going to do it together and I just wasn't ready to do it alone. I think I may be ready. I'm thinking either Yoga Green or a Sea Blue. Not sure, maybe I won't paint it in the near future...although it looks silly as the only white wall in the place. HA!

I'm going out climbing today with a pal. Maybe we'll get some good shots from it...I hope at least.