I have grown emotionally and spiritually more this year than any other thus far. For that, I am the MOST grateful. I certainly have had the hardest moments of my life this year, but as a result I have learned to live every day to the fullest and to love with all I have to give.
This year, I actually made friends. Friends I expect to have a lifetime. Nicole and Stacey - I am grateful for you both. In addition, I met Brad who then introduced me to my second family - Peak Adventures; for this, I am speechless. In addition, I have made numerous new companions including Stan and Felix who were both very instrumental in cementing myself within the things I've learned this year.
I am grateful for Cinnamon who helped me through the hardest days and never let me forget them. I am grateful for Candace who continues to be patient with my learning and growth and work with me to find the perfect answers.
Above all else (and anyone and everyone who knows me knows this) I am SO GRATEFUL that I have my Grandma this year. Her battle with cancer was won bravely and with courage I've never seen or imagined before. Although I've always considered her my hero, I never imagined that she wouldn't be in my life. Her cancer caused me to wake up and realize just how precious life is. As a result, I have gotten to know her better and have had the privilege of spending many great hours talking about life.
I've learned what it means to live in the now, just how valuable a good job truly is, where to go when in need of healing, how to find a center within myself...I could keep going for hours. There is just now way to express accurately how much this year has meant to me.
On a side note - a few "big" moments in my life this year include:
* Quitting animal rescue and turning over my 501(c)(3)
* Getting roommates
* Getting robbed
* Finding out my Grandma has cancers
* Finding out my sister-in-law was arrested
* Finding out my cousin was arrested
* Hooking up yet again with Brandon
* Watching Brandon run away, yet again
* Getting fired
* Experiencing the outdoors for the first time in my adult life
Showing posts with label new-ness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label new-ness. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Monday, February 11, 2008
The Good Things We See In Others
In (of course) a written correspondence with a good friend of mine, he wrote:
"Well, well. You've got some major changes going in your life, don't you? Two months without a Midori Sour? That's impressive in its own right, not to mention going off the meds, too. Sounds like somebody might be getting settled into her own skin ... ;)"
I can't say that I thought this on my own. I wouldn't say that I felt "settled" into my own skin but yes, I am becoming more at peace with my reality - I suppose...I do like my skin and feel some what at ease with it.
The no meds, no alcohol, no caffine, and upped exercise has really made a change for me.
First, the no meds. I never thought I'd be in this place in my life. It had always seemed so scary! Although, Kay Jamison did write "pills cannot, do not, ease one back into reality; they only bring one back headlong, careening, and faster than can be endured at times." I felt like this really hit home for me. My medications had become such a concrete part of my own reality that they were beginning to push me in directions that weren't healthy and yet I held fast. Living without them has been hard, coming off them much easier than I had thought...yet...I will confess that since Saturday morning my heart rate has been faster than I'd like and my mind more scattered and fragmented than I'd like. I suppose certain stimuli still create that reaction for me...but, the realization of these facts and the knowledge that I can handle this without medication, without those emergency pills I carry on me...really feels empowering. I'm pill free for one month on Monday!!!! ME!!!
Second, no alcohol and no caffine! I came off both because without the medications I really needed to focus on only putting the good into my body until I am in a place that's firm enough to alter that state. No telling if I'll get there in a month, a year, a decade...but until I find that place and know that I'm not going to be without it under the imfluence of these drugs, I don't think that either of these products are of any use to me. This friend of mine, knew how I used alcohol to relieve my discomfort in an unhealthy way and he's right - this is a rather remarkable thing for me to walk away from. But, I am strong enough in myself and I suppose, settled into my own skin, in a way that allows me to control these emotions without the help of something like alcohol.
I think that the best things in ourselves are the things that others see and we can't. The things that are pushed back into our minds that we don't acknowledge until brought forth by someone in our lives. Those are the things that are fundamentally who we are and those are the things that make each and every individual so unique and precious.
"Well, well. You've got some major changes going in your life, don't you? Two months without a Midori Sour? That's impressive in its own right, not to mention going off the meds, too. Sounds like somebody might be getting settled into her own skin ... ;)"
I can't say that I thought this on my own. I wouldn't say that I felt "settled" into my own skin but yes, I am becoming more at peace with my reality - I suppose...I do like my skin and feel some what at ease with it.
The no meds, no alcohol, no caffine, and upped exercise has really made a change for me.
First, the no meds. I never thought I'd be in this place in my life. It had always seemed so scary! Although, Kay Jamison did write "pills cannot, do not, ease one back into reality; they only bring one back headlong, careening, and faster than can be endured at times." I felt like this really hit home for me. My medications had become such a concrete part of my own reality that they were beginning to push me in directions that weren't healthy and yet I held fast. Living without them has been hard, coming off them much easier than I had thought...yet...I will confess that since Saturday morning my heart rate has been faster than I'd like and my mind more scattered and fragmented than I'd like. I suppose certain stimuli still create that reaction for me...but, the realization of these facts and the knowledge that I can handle this without medication, without those emergency pills I carry on me...really feels empowering. I'm pill free for one month on Monday!!!! ME!!!
Second, no alcohol and no caffine! I came off both because without the medications I really needed to focus on only putting the good into my body until I am in a place that's firm enough to alter that state. No telling if I'll get there in a month, a year, a decade...but until I find that place and know that I'm not going to be without it under the imfluence of these drugs, I don't think that either of these products are of any use to me. This friend of mine, knew how I used alcohol to relieve my discomfort in an unhealthy way and he's right - this is a rather remarkable thing for me to walk away from. But, I am strong enough in myself and I suppose, settled into my own skin, in a way that allows me to control these emotions without the help of something like alcohol.
I think that the best things in ourselves are the things that others see and we can't. The things that are pushed back into our minds that we don't acknowledge until brought forth by someone in our lives. Those are the things that are fundamentally who we are and those are the things that make each and every individual so unique and precious.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
My Likes and Dislikes
I don't always accurately express my likes and dislikes. For example, sometimes I'll ask a question or sometimes I'll present an opposite opinion - it doesn't mean that's what I like. It means that I want you to tell me more, to tell me why that other opinion isn't valid...I want to learn from your thoughts and your thought process.
Another thing is that I feel a distinct need to pull away from anything that is "atypical" or "popular." This includes The Beatles, guitar, publishing and non-productive hobbies like painting, photography, creative writing...I like all those things I just get frustrated at the idea that I'm like everyone else and so I try to pull away and dislike those things. I like The Beatles! I love them in fact, I have a t-shirt with them on it and yet today I cringed when someone said their name...then I stopped and thought - no, I like that, I don't understand my own reaction there but it's not accurate. I also thought about how uncomfortable guitar's make me. Someone sitting around playing their guitar makes me on edge. It's so typical, it's so average and yet...I like it! In fact, the very first guy I ever really "fell" for was a bass player, so was the second and the third. Those weren't bad experiences...I'm just not representing my feelings currently here either.
I need to focus on expressing what I actually feelt. I need to work on accepting my dislikes and lkes independent of others. I don't care if it's common so why do I react? Something in me tells me to be different and not agree...am I afraid of being lost in the crowd? Me...of all people...hahaha!
From here on out, no more uncomfortable feelings about things I ligitmately like. I'm going to embrace them with open arms!! I need to start focusing on telling the truth to myself and taking that with openness.
So...Matt is playing in town this week and next. I've got a personal connect...so anyone who wants to go see him, let me know and you're in. Or you can just come hang out with a group of us and if we get lucky we may be able to convince him to play...hehehe...I think we'll get lucky, we normally do.
Another thing is that I feel a distinct need to pull away from anything that is "atypical" or "popular." This includes The Beatles, guitar, publishing and non-productive hobbies like painting, photography, creative writing...I like all those things I just get frustrated at the idea that I'm like everyone else and so I try to pull away and dislike those things. I like The Beatles! I love them in fact, I have a t-shirt with them on it and yet today I cringed when someone said their name...then I stopped and thought - no, I like that, I don't understand my own reaction there but it's not accurate. I also thought about how uncomfortable guitar's make me. Someone sitting around playing their guitar makes me on edge. It's so typical, it's so average and yet...I like it! In fact, the very first guy I ever really "fell" for was a bass player, so was the second and the third. Those weren't bad experiences...I'm just not representing my feelings currently here either.
I need to focus on expressing what I actually feelt. I need to work on accepting my dislikes and lkes independent of others. I don't care if it's common so why do I react? Something in me tells me to be different and not agree...am I afraid of being lost in the crowd? Me...of all people...hahaha!
From here on out, no more uncomfortable feelings about things I ligitmately like. I'm going to embrace them with open arms!! I need to start focusing on telling the truth to myself and taking that with openness.
So...Matt is playing in town this week and next. I've got a personal connect...so anyone who wants to go see him, let me know and you're in. Or you can just come hang out with a group of us and if we get lucky we may be able to convince him to play...hehehe...I think we'll get lucky, we normally do.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
New-Ness
New-ness is the theme today. I went climbing and had an absolute BLAST! I should have tried this sooner. Everyone should try it at least once. My arms a little shaky and sore but with practice it will all be well.
After that I went out and bought a new camera. I got a digital camera so that I can take pictures of all this wonderful new-ness. My mother came out to visit and hit Target with me. We picked out some really cute new Yoga clothes. They look hot and show off my new figure. Did I mention that I'm now only 5 pounds from my target weight. That means that since December I've lost 20 pounds!!!! I've also developed muscle and look great. I'm proud. I can wear anything I want and feel good about myself.
I have a new fetish with knitted shoes. Have you seen these things? They are comfy as all get out! I have two pairs and I can't take them off...hehehe.
I emailed Brian for the first time since he told me fuck off. I haven't heard back but that's okay, he needs time to get his head straight too. I wonder what he's been thinking? I'll probably never know...but that's just how it goes when you ...
After that I went out and bought a new camera. I got a digital camera so that I can take pictures of all this wonderful new-ness. My mother came out to visit and hit Target with me. We picked out some really cute new Yoga clothes. They look hot and show off my new figure. Did I mention that I'm now only 5 pounds from my target weight. That means that since December I've lost 20 pounds!!!! I've also developed muscle and look great. I'm proud. I can wear anything I want and feel good about myself.
I have a new fetish with knitted shoes. Have you seen these things? They are comfy as all get out! I have two pairs and I can't take them off...hehehe.
I emailed Brian for the first time since he told me fuck off. I haven't heard back but that's okay, he needs time to get his head straight too. I wonder what he's been thinking? I'll probably never know...but that's just how it goes when you ...
Following a long day of hiking, climbing and yoga...I show off my stuff...hahaha! 
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