I am having a good day! Maybe GREAT day! I went to my second event for the day and it was a class about remembering and finding that you, the one hidden away inside. It was great and spiritual in all the right ways.
I would like to now confess some stuff...stuff...that I have denied to myself and others for a long time but that I realized today I want, I always will want and there is NOTHING wrong with that! It's okay and it doesn't make me any less of a feminist! YIPPEE!!! On that note, here are somethings I want:
1. I want to get married. I want to find that perfect guy who makes my soul feel at ease and who teaches me so much about life, living, loving and myself. He should be someone I can trust, a trust grows and not one that happens over night. He should be someone who will tell me the truth even when I don't want to hear it. If that means I cry, oh well...if that means it hurts, oh well...I want to hear the truth! I value that. I want this guy to add to what I already have, not take away and not complete - but to help it further.
I have this deeper knowledge today that he's out there. This feeling is amazing! That he's real! He tells the truth, he loves open hearted even when scared and he brings that out in me, he forces me to acknowledge things like...the stuff...stuff...
2. I want to have kids (yes, even plural. I don't want them today but I want to share that with someone I love and someone who loves me in return).
3. I want to have a home where I can be a stay at home mom, or he can stay at home. A dynamic that is equal and good.
4. I want to cook! I want to try new recipes and make you cringe. I want to make home-made pies and ice cream. I want to see you drool over my creations! In return I want the same.
5. I want you to drive.
It is okay for me to be soft, it is okay for me to act like a girl when I want to and when I don't, I don't have to!
Again, I value truth so much!! Truth!!! I will always tell you what I'm thinking if you ask. I want that from you!
Showing posts with label truth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label truth. Show all posts
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
My Likes and Dislikes
I don't always accurately express my likes and dislikes. For example, sometimes I'll ask a question or sometimes I'll present an opposite opinion - it doesn't mean that's what I like. It means that I want you to tell me more, to tell me why that other opinion isn't valid...I want to learn from your thoughts and your thought process.
Another thing is that I feel a distinct need to pull away from anything that is "atypical" or "popular." This includes The Beatles, guitar, publishing and non-productive hobbies like painting, photography, creative writing...I like all those things I just get frustrated at the idea that I'm like everyone else and so I try to pull away and dislike those things. I like The Beatles! I love them in fact, I have a t-shirt with them on it and yet today I cringed when someone said their name...then I stopped and thought - no, I like that, I don't understand my own reaction there but it's not accurate. I also thought about how uncomfortable guitar's make me. Someone sitting around playing their guitar makes me on edge. It's so typical, it's so average and yet...I like it! In fact, the very first guy I ever really "fell" for was a bass player, so was the second and the third. Those weren't bad experiences...I'm just not representing my feelings currently here either.
I need to focus on expressing what I actually feelt. I need to work on accepting my dislikes and lkes independent of others. I don't care if it's common so why do I react? Something in me tells me to be different and not agree...am I afraid of being lost in the crowd? Me...of all people...hahaha!
From here on out, no more uncomfortable feelings about things I ligitmately like. I'm going to embrace them with open arms!! I need to start focusing on telling the truth to myself and taking that with openness.
So...Matt is playing in town this week and next. I've got a personal connect...so anyone who wants to go see him, let me know and you're in. Or you can just come hang out with a group of us and if we get lucky we may be able to convince him to play...hehehe...I think we'll get lucky, we normally do.
Another thing is that I feel a distinct need to pull away from anything that is "atypical" or "popular." This includes The Beatles, guitar, publishing and non-productive hobbies like painting, photography, creative writing...I like all those things I just get frustrated at the idea that I'm like everyone else and so I try to pull away and dislike those things. I like The Beatles! I love them in fact, I have a t-shirt with them on it and yet today I cringed when someone said their name...then I stopped and thought - no, I like that, I don't understand my own reaction there but it's not accurate. I also thought about how uncomfortable guitar's make me. Someone sitting around playing their guitar makes me on edge. It's so typical, it's so average and yet...I like it! In fact, the very first guy I ever really "fell" for was a bass player, so was the second and the third. Those weren't bad experiences...I'm just not representing my feelings currently here either.
I need to focus on expressing what I actually feelt. I need to work on accepting my dislikes and lkes independent of others. I don't care if it's common so why do I react? Something in me tells me to be different and not agree...am I afraid of being lost in the crowd? Me...of all people...hahaha!
From here on out, no more uncomfortable feelings about things I ligitmately like. I'm going to embrace them with open arms!! I need to start focusing on telling the truth to myself and taking that with openness.
So...Matt is playing in town this week and next. I've got a personal connect...so anyone who wants to go see him, let me know and you're in. Or you can just come hang out with a group of us and if we get lucky we may be able to convince him to play...hehehe...I think we'll get lucky, we normally do.
Monday, January 14, 2008
No Melt Down!!!
Brian wrote me...I of course responded, but at the same time...all I wanted to do was scream for him to come hold me, kiss me and make everything better. I'm in a place in my life where things are scary.
He must be thinking about me, does that mean he wonders if he made a mistake? Probably not. I wish he'd rethink things. I still legitimately think we were happy together. I know I got off kilter, but my life was spinning out of control and I really just needed him to help me keep my feet on the ground instead of pushing me off that edge. I needed help finding my center and instead he turned his back on me. I know he didn't mean to, I pushed him away, I know that. It was my issue and I had to take the time alone to fix the areas of my life that had gotten out of balance. I've done that. I've found peace within myself, peace with my body and I'm working on peace of mind.
He doesn't want me, I have to accept it! Although I keep thinking, doesn't absence make the heart grow fonder? I know it has done a lot for me. Is there any chance he'd want to start fresh and see if maybe our timing was off when we met but it can be corrected now? When we met, I was working full time, doing school full time, and running my non-profit. The last thing I needed was a distraction. I was skipping school and cheating time from my non-profit to spend with him and when he stood firm on wanting time for his hobbies, I felt cheated. That wasn't fair of me. I should have stood firm on my obligations. Instead, I put him above things in my life that mattered and I shouldn't have. He hadn't earned that position and he proved it in a very dramatic way.
A lot in my life has changed in a month (needless to say, three), A LOT. More than I ever thought possible. I've found a grounding point and a center. I've found my long buried soul and I'm learning to listen to my intuition and my heart. I'm still working, but his hours have changed to match mine and that would mean a change in a lot of things. I'm still doing school, but during hours he'd be working anyway so it wouldn't really affect him. Lastly, the non-profit has been replaced with centering. No more saving lives and giving all I have to others. I have a self to give to someone now. I have time and compassion, a caring voice, a listening ear. Something that had been swallowed alive by the rescue. My priorities in life haven't changed but how I attend to those priorities has.
Has he changed any? He had issues that he needed to work on himself. I wonder if he's thought about them and made any progress in his areas?
Why he wasn't able to trust me, I'm not entirely sure still...I never did anything to intentionally harm that aspect of our relationship. Maybe the key there is "intentionally" because apparently it happened with or without my intent. I just wish that he had been honest with me about it. I really felt hurt by his lack of honesty on a few occasions, which he clearly picked up on (one time in particular that I remember at BJ's restaurant). He brought up something about me that he wanted to me work on or change and it was something that I'd been doing for weeks (maybe months) that he hadn't bothered to bring up until then. I was hurt!! Not for what he brought up, but why he felt that he couldn't be honest with me at the time of the incident and had to wait, that's what really bothered me. I should have expressed that, I didn't. Now that I'm starting to understand myself more (you can never completely know yourself, you have to grow and learn all the time), I know why I was so bothered by it. It really showed a lack of trust on his part and because I was putting so much faith in him as an individual, I expected him to do the same for me. Regardless of whether he was actually capable of it.
I think our good times out weighted the bad, but apparently he didn't and still doesn't or he'd make an effort to tell me what he's feeling. He said when he left he didn't think he was walking away from anything great. I still think he did walk away from something great, it just needed more time to florish. At the time he walked away, I had a lot going on in my life and I wasn't being open or clear about my feelings there and instead taking them out on our relationship. I was under a lot of stress at the time, and so was he...but I think we are compatable in a way that you rarely find. I think that he's scared to give himself unselfishly to another, and that's certainly something I asked of him.
I have a fairly early date tonight. Who dates on a Monday? Anyway, he's an airforce guy from McClellan and he's sweet. I'm not really ready for this but until Brian tells me that he cares for me in the same way I care for him, I have to keep living. I don't have to kiss him, I don't have to sleep with him, but I have to make an attempt at moving forward. I have to keep trying. Back to my date, I'm excited about the new-ness and I'm going 100% sober. We aren't even hitting a bar! Ha! He's picking me up and we're going to catch dinner downtown. He's a nice guy and I always try to give anyone who asks, at least one date. Besides, Valentine's Day is coming and I don't think I have the heart for another depressing V-day. I've had such horrible ones in the past that ever time I see February on my calendar I panic. AHHH!
On a different note, I want to chat a little about lies and truth:
I want to make a clear statement, a promise if you will, to all my friends, family and future lovers - I will NEVER lie to you. That isn't who I am and if I respect you enough to have you in my life, then know that I will always be open, honest and there for you. If something upsets me I will tell you on the spot regardless of my fear or own insecurity. Please keep in mind that since this is a new thing for me, I may not say it in the way that would be best, but keep my intention in mind - please. Know that I will never say anything behind your back that I could not say to your face. Know that I will always carry a piece of you in my heart and do everything I can to be there for you in your times of need. Know that I will stand firm in my beliefs even if they are different from yours...but know that I respect your views too and I respect that you are sharing them with me.
Know more than anything, that I will never lie or mislead you. I will never tell you part of the truth and not the whole truth. Know that if you ask me a question, as much as I hate to answer it or don't want to, I will and I will not lie!
He must be thinking about me, does that mean he wonders if he made a mistake? Probably not. I wish he'd rethink things. I still legitimately think we were happy together. I know I got off kilter, but my life was spinning out of control and I really just needed him to help me keep my feet on the ground instead of pushing me off that edge. I needed help finding my center and instead he turned his back on me. I know he didn't mean to, I pushed him away, I know that. It was my issue and I had to take the time alone to fix the areas of my life that had gotten out of balance. I've done that. I've found peace within myself, peace with my body and I'm working on peace of mind.
He doesn't want me, I have to accept it! Although I keep thinking, doesn't absence make the heart grow fonder? I know it has done a lot for me. Is there any chance he'd want to start fresh and see if maybe our timing was off when we met but it can be corrected now? When we met, I was working full time, doing school full time, and running my non-profit. The last thing I needed was a distraction. I was skipping school and cheating time from my non-profit to spend with him and when he stood firm on wanting time for his hobbies, I felt cheated. That wasn't fair of me. I should have stood firm on my obligations. Instead, I put him above things in my life that mattered and I shouldn't have. He hadn't earned that position and he proved it in a very dramatic way.
A lot in my life has changed in a month (needless to say, three), A LOT. More than I ever thought possible. I've found a grounding point and a center. I've found my long buried soul and I'm learning to listen to my intuition and my heart. I'm still working, but his hours have changed to match mine and that would mean a change in a lot of things. I'm still doing school, but during hours he'd be working anyway so it wouldn't really affect him. Lastly, the non-profit has been replaced with centering. No more saving lives and giving all I have to others. I have a self to give to someone now. I have time and compassion, a caring voice, a listening ear. Something that had been swallowed alive by the rescue. My priorities in life haven't changed but how I attend to those priorities has.
Has he changed any? He had issues that he needed to work on himself. I wonder if he's thought about them and made any progress in his areas?
Why he wasn't able to trust me, I'm not entirely sure still...I never did anything to intentionally harm that aspect of our relationship. Maybe the key there is "intentionally" because apparently it happened with or without my intent. I just wish that he had been honest with me about it. I really felt hurt by his lack of honesty on a few occasions, which he clearly picked up on (one time in particular that I remember at BJ's restaurant). He brought up something about me that he wanted to me work on or change and it was something that I'd been doing for weeks (maybe months) that he hadn't bothered to bring up until then. I was hurt!! Not for what he brought up, but why he felt that he couldn't be honest with me at the time of the incident and had to wait, that's what really bothered me. I should have expressed that, I didn't. Now that I'm starting to understand myself more (you can never completely know yourself, you have to grow and learn all the time), I know why I was so bothered by it. It really showed a lack of trust on his part and because I was putting so much faith in him as an individual, I expected him to do the same for me. Regardless of whether he was actually capable of it.
I think our good times out weighted the bad, but apparently he didn't and still doesn't or he'd make an effort to tell me what he's feeling. He said when he left he didn't think he was walking away from anything great. I still think he did walk away from something great, it just needed more time to florish. At the time he walked away, I had a lot going on in my life and I wasn't being open or clear about my feelings there and instead taking them out on our relationship. I was under a lot of stress at the time, and so was he...but I think we are compatable in a way that you rarely find. I think that he's scared to give himself unselfishly to another, and that's certainly something I asked of him.
I have a fairly early date tonight. Who dates on a Monday? Anyway, he's an airforce guy from McClellan and he's sweet. I'm not really ready for this but until Brian tells me that he cares for me in the same way I care for him, I have to keep living. I don't have to kiss him, I don't have to sleep with him, but I have to make an attempt at moving forward. I have to keep trying. Back to my date, I'm excited about the new-ness and I'm going 100% sober. We aren't even hitting a bar! Ha! He's picking me up and we're going to catch dinner downtown. He's a nice guy and I always try to give anyone who asks, at least one date. Besides, Valentine's Day is coming and I don't think I have the heart for another depressing V-day. I've had such horrible ones in the past that ever time I see February on my calendar I panic. AHHH!
On a different note, I want to chat a little about lies and truth:
I want to make a clear statement, a promise if you will, to all my friends, family and future lovers - I will NEVER lie to you. That isn't who I am and if I respect you enough to have you in my life, then know that I will always be open, honest and there for you. If something upsets me I will tell you on the spot regardless of my fear or own insecurity. Please keep in mind that since this is a new thing for me, I may not say it in the way that would be best, but keep my intention in mind - please. Know that I will never say anything behind your back that I could not say to your face. Know that I will always carry a piece of you in my heart and do everything I can to be there for you in your times of need. Know that I will stand firm in my beliefs even if they are different from yours...but know that I respect your views too and I respect that you are sharing them with me.
Know more than anything, that I will never lie or mislead you. I will never tell you part of the truth and not the whole truth. Know that if you ask me a question, as much as I hate to answer it or don't want to, I will and I will not lie!
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