Brian wrote me...I of course responded, but at the same time...all I wanted to do was scream for him to come hold me, kiss me and make everything better. I'm in a place in my life where things are scary.
He must be thinking about me, does that mean he wonders if he made a mistake? Probably not. I wish he'd rethink things. I still legitimately think we were happy together. I know I got off kilter, but my life was spinning out of control and I really just needed him to help me keep my feet on the ground instead of pushing me off that edge. I needed help finding my center and instead he turned his back on me. I know he didn't mean to, I pushed him away, I know that. It was my issue and I had to take the time alone to fix the areas of my life that had gotten out of balance. I've done that. I've found peace within myself, peace with my body and I'm working on peace of mind.
He doesn't want me, I have to accept it! Although I keep thinking, doesn't absence make the heart grow fonder? I know it has done a lot for me. Is there any chance he'd want to start fresh and see if maybe our timing was off when we met but it can be corrected now? When we met, I was working full time, doing school full time, and running my non-profit. The last thing I needed was a distraction. I was skipping school and cheating time from my non-profit to spend with him and when he stood firm on wanting time for his hobbies, I felt cheated. That wasn't fair of me. I should have stood firm on my obligations. Instead, I put him above things in my life that mattered and I shouldn't have. He hadn't earned that position and he proved it in a very dramatic way.
A lot in my life has changed in a month (needless to say, three), A LOT. More than I ever thought possible. I've found a grounding point and a center. I've found my long buried soul and I'm learning to listen to my intuition and my heart. I'm still working, but his hours have changed to match mine and that would mean a change in a lot of things. I'm still doing school, but during hours he'd be working anyway so it wouldn't really affect him. Lastly, the non-profit has been replaced with centering. No more saving lives and giving all I have to others. I have a self to give to someone now. I have time and compassion, a caring voice, a listening ear. Something that had been swallowed alive by the rescue. My priorities in life haven't changed but how I attend to those priorities has.
Has he changed any? He had issues that he needed to work on himself. I wonder if he's thought about them and made any progress in his areas?
Why he wasn't able to trust me, I'm not entirely sure still...I never did anything to intentionally harm that aspect of our relationship. Maybe the key there is "intentionally" because apparently it happened with or without my intent. I just wish that he had been honest with me about it. I really felt hurt by his lack of honesty on a few occasions, which he clearly picked up on (one time in particular that I remember at BJ's restaurant). He brought up something about me that he wanted to me work on or change and it was something that I'd been doing for weeks (maybe months) that he hadn't bothered to bring up until then. I was hurt!! Not for what he brought up, but why he felt that he couldn't be honest with me at the time of the incident and had to wait, that's what really bothered me. I should have expressed that, I didn't. Now that I'm starting to understand myself more (you can never completely know yourself, you have to grow and learn all the time), I know why I was so bothered by it. It really showed a lack of trust on his part and because I was putting so much faith in him as an individual, I expected him to do the same for me. Regardless of whether he was actually capable of it.
I think our good times out weighted the bad, but apparently he didn't and still doesn't or he'd make an effort to tell me what he's feeling. He said when he left he didn't think he was walking away from anything great. I still think he did walk away from something great, it just needed more time to florish. At the time he walked away, I had a lot going on in my life and I wasn't being open or clear about my feelings there and instead taking them out on our relationship. I was under a lot of stress at the time, and so was he...but I think we are compatable in a way that you rarely find. I think that he's scared to give himself unselfishly to another, and that's certainly something I asked of him.
I have a fairly early date tonight. Who dates on a Monday? Anyway, he's an airforce guy from McClellan and he's sweet. I'm not really ready for this but until Brian tells me that he cares for me in the same way I care for him, I have to keep living. I don't have to kiss him, I don't have to sleep with him, but I have to make an attempt at moving forward. I have to keep trying. Back to my date, I'm excited about the new-ness and I'm going 100% sober. We aren't even hitting a bar! Ha! He's picking me up and we're going to catch dinner downtown. He's a nice guy and I always try to give anyone who asks, at least one date. Besides, Valentine's Day is coming and I don't think I have the heart for another depressing V-day. I've had such horrible ones in the past that ever time I see February on my calendar I panic. AHHH!
On a different note, I want to chat a little about lies and truth:
I want to make a clear statement, a promise if you will, to all my friends, family and future lovers - I will NEVER lie to you. That isn't who I am and if I respect you enough to have you in my life, then know that I will always be open, honest and there for you. If something upsets me I will tell you on the spot regardless of my fear or own insecurity. Please keep in mind that since this is a new thing for me, I may not say it in the way that would be best, but keep my intention in mind - please. Know that I will never say anything behind your back that I could not say to your face. Know that I will always carry a piece of you in my heart and do everything I can to be there for you in your times of need. Know that I will stand firm in my beliefs even if they are different from yours...but know that I respect your views too and I respect that you are sharing them with me.
Know more than anything, that I will never lie or mislead you. I will never tell you part of the truth and not the whole truth. Know that if you ask me a question, as much as I hate to answer it or don't want to, I will and I will not lie!
