I had a good night. Dinner was great - we went to The Cheesecake Factory. I was too full for desert so I missed the best part...but oh well.
I learned new and interesting things about people, my main goal for the night.
I also realized that I can't remember the last time I had a kiss that really took my breathe away. I know it's happened but I just can't remember when...aren't those the important details of life that you should be able to remember and cherish?
Well, I'm completely exhausted and home alone tonight - that's right - Chewy and Wally are out and about and I have the house in all its quietness to myself. I'll knit a bit, watch some TV and crash...wherever I want. Maybe even the couch if I'm feeling daring.
BEGIN RANT:
After a few drinks about a week back on the boat with Brandon I sent Brian a request to be my friend. He ignored it...until today...now in fact. As to the rant / panic attack set hince forth. Let me start with the whole drinks thing and how it got me to my computer. I had been out on the boat with Brandon as normally as a way of getting over someone I sleep with him and feel better about myself. Well, I found myself on the boat and not wanting to sleep with anyone. Not a sole but Brian and so I left the boat and went home to send my email.
Can I be his friend? I'm still head over heels for him and think about him on a daily basis - can you be friends with someone you still have an "emotional attachment" (as we all know I am very careful in this area of wording) to?
I fucked things up with him and I have so much guilt and resentment at myself for it that I don't know if I can have the friendship I want with him. Yet, I feel like I have to try - I HAVE TO. His presence in my life in any form is better than none at all.
(Stage note: She finds the valium and takes a few...handfuls) How can I feel like this for someone who doesn't care for me? Someone who disappeared from my life for three months, really really fucking hard months, when all I needed was a friend? A hug?
I'm crazy to miss him. I know it. My therapist thinks I was pushing him away...not intentionally but unintentionally as I was getting too attached and I paniced since he wasn't expressing what he was feeling and I couldn't express my own feelings. We discussed things I felt and did that I don't normally do and really don't care about...yet I did them with him. Why? Did I want him to leave me? NO! She thinks that I was just testing him. Testing him to see if he cared for me in the same way that I cared for him...according to her - he failed. This being an answer to whether his feelings were the same as mine...not the answer I was looking for...but an answer none the less.
I keep thinking he's going to call or show up on my door step and tell me that he made a mistake. Deep down I know that's not going to happen. He doesn't have those feelings for me and I have to get over it. It's been a month and I have to accept that I haven't been on his mind. He doesn't miss me. He doesn't want to call me. If he felt anything for me, he would have already picked up the phone and called...don't you think? He would have already tried to express himself...don't you think?
Perhaps I'm insane tonight since I missed Yoga. I'll Yoga in the morning and maybe my brain will settle back into a state of normalcy. If not, then I'll Yoga again and run and run and yoga some more.
