You know the song, You're So Vain by Carlie Simmon? I'll give you one guess what I'm thinking. Ha!
On a different note, I got to write Brian a letter today in which I felt like I got a lot off my chest, stuff that I had wanted to say to him but couldn't. I expressed my thoughts and feelings in retrospect and I needed to do that directed at him. I needed to let him know my thoughts in order to have a release of that. Why did I wait so long??
I know why!! I've said it to a few of you even...I didn't feel like I could. As the wise one, Alena, said - "You have a right to" and I just didn't accept or embrace that. Alena - You Are Wise Beyond Your Years.
I sent his letter and my response to a friend, I felt empowered by my ability to final see everything clearly...this is her response and I must say, I am moved to tears:
I think you're finally ready. I think he finally crossed your emotional boundary. It's too much though. He's done too much to you and you've let him take it this far... but I think he finally reached your point of no return. And I think that's best. He still has not taken any responsibility for anything in the relationship. That tells me that he thinks he is better then you in some way. Whether it be in age or experience. He thinks he knows more then you. That is sad. That is also inaccurate. You just know differently then him. He sees the world and life from his perspective. You see it from yours. And people's perspective is relative to their experiences that they have had through out their life. He sees it from only one point of view. His. No one elses. You are at least blessed enough to see both sides. You should be grateful that you can see others points of view. That you can have empathy for what they feel and experience. He does not have empathy....He can not put his feet in other people's shoes. Empathy is a gift.... cherish that. So congrats... you found your boundary.... now move it so that it's not so far... so that you get hurt so badly.
I think what you are doing with this breakup... the fact you are trying to take what you can from it and make yourself better is an awesome thing. Only the best people can do that. I on the other hand did not come quiet as far as you have in any of my break ups. I think that I always left at anger... In very few occasions have I ever looked back in retrospect and tried to figure out my faults... i always clearly saw theirs. I guess I have to take that back... and like you gave my power up to so many others. I Just think that... you've come so very far in such a short period. I just love you for that. It makes me realize that you truly are someone I want in my own life... as a friend. And that i never want to lose someone like you who is able to look back and see their own faults... and not be oblivious to their contribution in any relationship. I hope this makes sense...I just have so much to say to you...how proud I am of you...and I don't know exactly how to express it at times.
On a different note, I'm really moving on...as some of you have taken note of. I'm seeing someone. Yes, I'm dating the masses, but I'm sleeping with only one person. I feel good about this. I feel okay with the decision and I feel like it is progress in the right direction.
I had a chat yesterday with Cinnamon...and well...I need to create some boundaries. Emotional ones. As my friends have probably realized by now, I don't have them and that's not good. I picked up a book called Boundaries by Anne Katherine and it talks about it, what they are, how you create them and how to adjust them as needed. This is a big issue for me and certainly an area that holds much potential for self improvement.
