My new way of thinking about myself and those around me was tested today.
During lunch I got in a disagreement with a co-worker about a news story. This specific individual HATES when others disagree with his opinion. Instead of addressing the issue like an adult and talking towards a resolution, he pouts and name calls. This time though, I was ready. Instead of taking anything he said to heart, I let it go right through me.
I asked myself, do I really believe what I just put out there as my opinion? (Answer - Yes!)
Did I hear his? (Answer - Yes!)
We disagree...do I care? (Answer - No!) Then move on and let it go.
In the past, the name calling and such would have bothered me to the core. I would have questioned my own opinion and asked others if they agreed or not to see if maybe I really was in the wrong. Instead, I've decided that I stand firm, I'm allowed my own opinion and his behavior is what is unjustified and doesn't deserve my anxiety or thoughts.
This entire encounter made me realize that maybe this isn't someone who is even remotely trustworthy. This individual clearly can't handle conflict and as a result, isn't really someone I want in my life. I'll continue to work with this person, but I will set up a boundary and not allow this individual anything more than to be an acquaintance.
Showing posts with label boundaries. Show all posts
Showing posts with label boundaries. Show all posts
Friday, January 25, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Boundaries Continued
More from the new book, Where To Draw The Line:
"In a new relationship, the very first time someone tries to dump their feelings on you, set a boundary. Refuse to engage. Leave the situation."
I've got this one down. I do this!! It recommends that you say
"I can't be with you when you're doing that indirect stuff. If you'll acknowledge your mood and do something to help yourself, I'll be here for you. Otherwise I'm going."
"Never listen to 'you' statements for more than a few minutes."
This is one I always stick around for and I know better. Few people during an argument or conversation decide to look at themselves and it always ends up being about 'you'. I really try very hard not to do this. I try very hard to make sure it's "I feel" and "This makes me feel." The problem here is that so few people know the importance of this conversation style that I have a feeling I'd be walking away from people... a lot!
"Whenever we need to keep from knowing something about ourselves, it costs us in health and energy. This is why amends are as important for ourselves as they are for the other guy."
"If your friend borrows things and doesn't return the, or is not always truthful, or is hot one day and cold the next, be careful about advancing. You deserve friends who are consistent, considerate and thoughtful."
I sometimes overlook these key things in friendships/relationship. Good to take note of and look for.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Boundaries
Okay, so I started the new book Where To Draw The Line. It's good. If you ever wondered what the heck the bazillion guys you've dated were thinking - it's in here. If you ever wondered how you came to make your own decisions or if those were healthy choices...it's in here. Here's what I'm getting:
"When we withdraw ourselves from the possibility of repeating feeling - by walling out certain feelings (or a certain intensity of feeling), or by not allowing ourselves to repeat such trust, need or love again - we take ourselves into a fortress, a defended state of being."
This is known not as a boundary but as a defense. Something I've often encountered and yet I actively fight in my life to avoid this. I try very hard to let go of things that I learned in past relationships that could be considered defensive rather than boundary oriented. The distinguishment between the two is very hard to make for some and easy for others.
"If you are a punctual person and you have a friend who is usually late, think about what you need. Talk to your friend about how you feel, the message you are getting, and what you want."
This is a method I attempt to use a lot in my life. Identifying how I feel, the message I'm getting and what I want. However, I've found that rarely when I express these things do others understand what I'm doing. I'm not asking for anything in return, I'm showing my boundary, I'm identifying it clearly for them. If you're my friend - know that when I do this I'm not being defensive, I'm attempting to show you where I end and you begin and how this relationship impacts both of us.
"If you live alone and stick to your plans no matter what, this can be okay. But if you are some one's mate or parent, then your style has impact on others."
This makes me want to SCREAM!!!! I've addressed this with many people and no one seems to get it. So many (dare I say it) men don't seem to want to rearrange their schedule for their mates. They rarely understand the impact that it has on the other party. Is this a blind spot for them? Or is it a simple lack of caring?
"If you agree to meet someone at a certain time, you are creating a contract with that person. Every minute that you are late uses a portion of the other person's life."
I think this is one of my core values. I feel hurt and betrayed very quickly when someone takes for granted the minutes of my life. I try very hard to keep a schedule that is punctual so that I don't do this to others, I ask for the same respect in return.
"She loved him personally, but she hated what he was doing and saw it as having no value."
Another touchy subject! I believe you can love someone and not like what they do and see what they do with their time as having no value...but at the same time, aren't we taught to accept the person as a whole? How do the two correlate?
"Boundaries can be used in two ways - by limiting the actions of the people who have hurt you, and by including the people who've shown themselves to be trustworthy."
This is hard for me to stand on because I often don't require individual to prove trustworthiness at the level I should. Also, sometimes individual in my life put up what I considered a boundary when in actuality it was defense since a boundary is only used with individual who have actively hurt you or who are not considered trust worthy...and I am!
"You are not required to adjust your life to accommodate a defensive partner. You do not have to let another person's defended state curtail your own experience."
I struggle here, when I see a person who is defensive I work actively to bring down that wall...as if I can!?! Hahaha! Instead, I need to be recognizing the defensive behavior, noting it and adjusting my trust and opinion based on that and open communication about it.
"Notice what isn't said or what isn't done. What isn't said can be a boundary error. Figuring out what's missing can help you spot a manipulation or explain why an exchange seems off kilter."
Another area that I personally struggle in. I feel like identifying what isn't said and what isn't done puts me in a position of assumption (that's such a horrible word and action - the nasty "a" word). Though it does prove true. By not identifying and communicating the feelings of the things that aren't said or done, manipulation and control issues arise.
"Missing the point is a defense of misdirection. While you are talking about the trees, I'm going to pretend that this conversation is about the forest. A clever defender takes a tack that is close enough to fool the initiator into thinking that the real issue is being addressed."
Damn it! I fell for this one really bad in my last relationship. I would say that I was angry about something and he would make it about the bigger pictures. I would go along with it and get fooled! For example there was this girl that I didn't like him being around. He therefore made it that I didn't like him around ALL single gals...not my issue, any yet I got fooled. Very sneaky and clever defense. Being aware of this I will certainly be able to identify and take power over situations such as these next time.
"The defense of attacking is continued, while bringing up an old argument that, undoubtedly, has been argued many times before. Getting a partner into a tried-and-true prior argument is in itself a good defense."
This is the most aggravating thing on earth! Once an issue has been addressed and talked about. Either you are satisfied with the conclusion or not. Either you move on...or not. Don't move on and thing bring it up again later. That's crazy-making!
"Here is a multiple defense...She is portraying him as being out of line when he is behaving naturally given the circumstances. She is also overstating his true and natural feeling."
Wow! Just when I think maybe I was crazy about x issue or y issue...this author points out that I was entirely grounded in my thinking.
More quotes:
"When we overstate how someone is behaving, that is a defense. The person is mirrored incorrectly, which can throw them off and make them feel wrong."
"We are geniuses at survival. Whatever is inside us that leads to an experience of pain, betrayal, or abandonment, we can lock away."
"If we don't act on our own behalf, we will lose spirit, resourcefulness, energy, health, perspective and resilience. We must take ourselves out of violating situations for the sake of our wholeness."
"When we withdraw ourselves from the possibility of repeating feeling - by walling out certain feelings (or a certain intensity of feeling), or by not allowing ourselves to repeat such trust, need or love again - we take ourselves into a fortress, a defended state of being."
This is known not as a boundary but as a defense. Something I've often encountered and yet I actively fight in my life to avoid this. I try very hard to let go of things that I learned in past relationships that could be considered defensive rather than boundary oriented. The distinguishment between the two is very hard to make for some and easy for others.
"If you are a punctual person and you have a friend who is usually late, think about what you need. Talk to your friend about how you feel, the message you are getting, and what you want."
This is a method I attempt to use a lot in my life. Identifying how I feel, the message I'm getting and what I want. However, I've found that rarely when I express these things do others understand what I'm doing. I'm not asking for anything in return, I'm showing my boundary, I'm identifying it clearly for them. If you're my friend - know that when I do this I'm not being defensive, I'm attempting to show you where I end and you begin and how this relationship impacts both of us.
"If you live alone and stick to your plans no matter what, this can be okay. But if you are some one's mate or parent, then your style has impact on others."
This makes me want to SCREAM!!!! I've addressed this with many people and no one seems to get it. So many (dare I say it) men don't seem to want to rearrange their schedule for their mates. They rarely understand the impact that it has on the other party. Is this a blind spot for them? Or is it a simple lack of caring?
"If you agree to meet someone at a certain time, you are creating a contract with that person. Every minute that you are late uses a portion of the other person's life."
I think this is one of my core values. I feel hurt and betrayed very quickly when someone takes for granted the minutes of my life. I try very hard to keep a schedule that is punctual so that I don't do this to others, I ask for the same respect in return.
"She loved him personally, but she hated what he was doing and saw it as having no value."
Another touchy subject! I believe you can love someone and not like what they do and see what they do with their time as having no value...but at the same time, aren't we taught to accept the person as a whole? How do the two correlate?
"Boundaries can be used in two ways - by limiting the actions of the people who have hurt you, and by including the people who've shown themselves to be trustworthy."
This is hard for me to stand on because I often don't require individual to prove trustworthiness at the level I should. Also, sometimes individual in my life put up what I considered a boundary when in actuality it was defense since a boundary is only used with individual who have actively hurt you or who are not considered trust worthy...and I am!
"You are not required to adjust your life to accommodate a defensive partner. You do not have to let another person's defended state curtail your own experience."
I struggle here, when I see a person who is defensive I work actively to bring down that wall...as if I can!?! Hahaha! Instead, I need to be recognizing the defensive behavior, noting it and adjusting my trust and opinion based on that and open communication about it.
"Notice what isn't said or what isn't done. What isn't said can be a boundary error. Figuring out what's missing can help you spot a manipulation or explain why an exchange seems off kilter."
Another area that I personally struggle in. I feel like identifying what isn't said and what isn't done puts me in a position of assumption (that's such a horrible word and action - the nasty "a" word). Though it does prove true. By not identifying and communicating the feelings of the things that aren't said or done, manipulation and control issues arise.
"Missing the point is a defense of misdirection. While you are talking about the trees, I'm going to pretend that this conversation is about the forest. A clever defender takes a tack that is close enough to fool the initiator into thinking that the real issue is being addressed."
Damn it! I fell for this one really bad in my last relationship. I would say that I was angry about something and he would make it about the bigger pictures. I would go along with it and get fooled! For example there was this girl that I didn't like him being around. He therefore made it that I didn't like him around ALL single gals...not my issue, any yet I got fooled. Very sneaky and clever defense. Being aware of this I will certainly be able to identify and take power over situations such as these next time.
"The defense of attacking is continued, while bringing up an old argument that, undoubtedly, has been argued many times before. Getting a partner into a tried-and-true prior argument is in itself a good defense."
This is the most aggravating thing on earth! Once an issue has been addressed and talked about. Either you are satisfied with the conclusion or not. Either you move on...or not. Don't move on and thing bring it up again later. That's crazy-making!
"Here is a multiple defense...She is portraying him as being out of line when he is behaving naturally given the circumstances. She is also overstating his true and natural feeling."
Wow! Just when I think maybe I was crazy about x issue or y issue...this author points out that I was entirely grounded in my thinking.
More quotes:
"When we overstate how someone is behaving, that is a defense. The person is mirrored incorrectly, which can throw them off and make them feel wrong."
"We are geniuses at survival. Whatever is inside us that leads to an experience of pain, betrayal, or abandonment, we can lock away."
"If we don't act on our own behalf, we will lose spirit, resourcefulness, energy, health, perspective and resilience. We must take ourselves out of violating situations for the sake of our wholeness."
Friday, January 18, 2008
You're So Vain
You know the song, You're So Vain by Carlie Simmon? I'll give you one guess what I'm thinking. Ha!
On a different note, I got to write Brian a letter today in which I felt like I got a lot off my chest, stuff that I had wanted to say to him but couldn't. I expressed my thoughts and feelings in retrospect and I needed to do that directed at him. I needed to let him know my thoughts in order to have a release of that. Why did I wait so long??
I know why!! I've said it to a few of you even...I didn't feel like I could. As the wise one, Alena, said - "You have a right to" and I just didn't accept or embrace that. Alena - You Are Wise Beyond Your Years.
I sent his letter and my response to a friend, I felt empowered by my ability to final see everything clearly...this is her response and I must say, I am moved to tears:
I think you're finally ready. I think he finally crossed your emotional boundary. It's too much though. He's done too much to you and you've let him take it this far... but I think he finally reached your point of no return. And I think that's best. He still has not taken any responsibility for anything in the relationship. That tells me that he thinks he is better then you in some way. Whether it be in age or experience. He thinks he knows more then you. That is sad. That is also inaccurate. You just know differently then him. He sees the world and life from his perspective. You see it from yours. And people's perspective is relative to their experiences that they have had through out their life. He sees it from only one point of view. His. No one elses. You are at least blessed enough to see both sides. You should be grateful that you can see others points of view. That you can have empathy for what they feel and experience. He does not have empathy....He can not put his feet in other people's shoes. Empathy is a gift.... cherish that. So congrats... you found your boundary.... now move it so that it's not so far... so that you get hurt so badly.
I think what you are doing with this breakup... the fact you are trying to take what you can from it and make yourself better is an awesome thing. Only the best people can do that. I on the other hand did not come quiet as far as you have in any of my break ups. I think that I always left at anger... In very few occasions have I ever looked back in retrospect and tried to figure out my faults... i always clearly saw theirs. I guess I have to take that back... and like you gave my power up to so many others. I Just think that... you've come so very far in such a short period. I just love you for that. It makes me realize that you truly are someone I want in my own life... as a friend. And that i never want to lose someone like you who is able to look back and see their own faults... and not be oblivious to their contribution in any relationship. I hope this makes sense...I just have so much to say to you...how proud I am of you...and I don't know exactly how to express it at times.
On a different note, I'm really moving on...as some of you have taken note of. I'm seeing someone. Yes, I'm dating the masses, but I'm sleeping with only one person. I feel good about this. I feel okay with the decision and I feel like it is progress in the right direction.
I had a chat yesterday with Cinnamon...and well...I need to create some boundaries. Emotional ones. As my friends have probably realized by now, I don't have them and that's not good. I picked up a book called Boundaries by Anne Katherine and it talks about it, what they are, how you create them and how to adjust them as needed. This is a big issue for me and certainly an area that holds much potential for self improvement.
On a different note, I got to write Brian a letter today in which I felt like I got a lot off my chest, stuff that I had wanted to say to him but couldn't. I expressed my thoughts and feelings in retrospect and I needed to do that directed at him. I needed to let him know my thoughts in order to have a release of that. Why did I wait so long??
I know why!! I've said it to a few of you even...I didn't feel like I could. As the wise one, Alena, said - "You have a right to" and I just didn't accept or embrace that. Alena - You Are Wise Beyond Your Years.
I sent his letter and my response to a friend, I felt empowered by my ability to final see everything clearly...this is her response and I must say, I am moved to tears:
I think you're finally ready. I think he finally crossed your emotional boundary. It's too much though. He's done too much to you and you've let him take it this far... but I think he finally reached your point of no return. And I think that's best. He still has not taken any responsibility for anything in the relationship. That tells me that he thinks he is better then you in some way. Whether it be in age or experience. He thinks he knows more then you. That is sad. That is also inaccurate. You just know differently then him. He sees the world and life from his perspective. You see it from yours. And people's perspective is relative to their experiences that they have had through out their life. He sees it from only one point of view. His. No one elses. You are at least blessed enough to see both sides. You should be grateful that you can see others points of view. That you can have empathy for what they feel and experience. He does not have empathy....He can not put his feet in other people's shoes. Empathy is a gift.... cherish that. So congrats... you found your boundary.... now move it so that it's not so far... so that you get hurt so badly.
I think what you are doing with this breakup... the fact you are trying to take what you can from it and make yourself better is an awesome thing. Only the best people can do that. I on the other hand did not come quiet as far as you have in any of my break ups. I think that I always left at anger... In very few occasions have I ever looked back in retrospect and tried to figure out my faults... i always clearly saw theirs. I guess I have to take that back... and like you gave my power up to so many others. I Just think that... you've come so very far in such a short period. I just love you for that. It makes me realize that you truly are someone I want in my own life... as a friend. And that i never want to lose someone like you who is able to look back and see their own faults... and not be oblivious to their contribution in any relationship. I hope this makes sense...I just have so much to say to you...how proud I am of you...and I don't know exactly how to express it at times.
On a different note, I'm really moving on...as some of you have taken note of. I'm seeing someone. Yes, I'm dating the masses, but I'm sleeping with only one person. I feel good about this. I feel okay with the decision and I feel like it is progress in the right direction.
I had a chat yesterday with Cinnamon...and well...I need to create some boundaries. Emotional ones. As my friends have probably realized by now, I don't have them and that's not good. I picked up a book called Boundaries by Anne Katherine and it talks about it, what they are, how you create them and how to adjust them as needed. This is a big issue for me and certainly an area that holds much potential for self improvement.
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