I write this with much hesitation and angst. I don’t want to. I really don’t want to. But, I must…
Last night I had a dream about Brian Vaughn (deep breath). It was intense and rather not meaningful, but it still stirred up those thoughts and feelings that I hadn’t been in touch with recently. He had been rather far from my mind for a while and yet…apparently…he’s still very much on it.
A few weeks ago, I bought a card for him. I had decided that I was going to write him a thank you and send it on my way to Maine. I’m thankful to him in a way that doesn’t make any sense really since he really was a complete ass in the way that he handled our whole situation. Some time ago I decided that I really didn’t want to attempt a friendship with him because I knew his true personality (as seen during the break-up) and it wasn’t of a person I respected or wanted a friendship with. Yet, I felt compelled to send a thank you. I bought a really flippin’ cool card, one I liked and I told myself I would write that letter ASAP. Well, I still haven’t written it and I don’t think I’m going to! Although I’m thankful, I’m not entirely sure that he’s deserving of that knowledge. Again, he really was rude, disrespectful, and to some degree deceitful in our encounters and for that I’m still very angry, mainly angry at myself for falling for it all…but also angry that anyone could be so untrue to another human being. It’s almost as if I’ve come to believe that this form of lying or deception…whatever it really was…is the worst thing you can do to another human being.
Anyway, dropping that…the thank you was to say that I’m so glad my eyes were opened by him. I’d never encountered anyone who let me believe so much un-real…stuff…Our encounter really opened my eyes to a new type of person in the world. One I hadn’t encountered before and one that I deep down was choosing not to acknowledge. I am also thankful for our breakup because of all the good that has come into my life because of it. Without that encounter, I would have continued to live in the numb…I would have continued to live an obscenely unbalanced life, I would have kept my eyes closed to all the good that was right in front of me. Instead, I have found a center for myself within my self, I have found balance in my days, I have found meaning in everything around me, I have come to understand and enjoy people…yes!! Can you imagine…I have learned to see good in everything in a way that I never expected. I am so thankful for the pain I went through, it changed me in ways I didn’t realize needed changing. My friends feel that this was something I did entirely on my own, but I feel that without his push over that cliff, I never would have made it.
No, I’m not going to send that thank you. No, I’m not going to reach out and try and be his friend, he clearly doesn’t want my friendship or he would have come to me. He clearly isn’t ready for what I have to offer and I have so many people in my life who are ready and deserving and I owe it to myself and to them to send that energy in the correct direction.
In conclusion, I think it is safe to end with something Cinnamon told me about the whole experience and a way of reflecting – “I am sorry for not seeing you. I am sorry you did not see me. My energy was so focused on you seeing me that I missed seeing you.” I guess my dream was really a reminder that it’s important not forget these things. As I take my life in a direction that holds much potential and joy, I hope that others understand that sometimes pain leads to greatness.
