Do you ever stop and think, did I smoke crack today? There are moments in my life where I wonder if maybe I smoked some REALLY strong crack and it was so powerful that I forgot I even smoked it. Get the picture?
Sometimes I (like all of us) do really stupid things. I call people I shouldn't, I say things I don't mean, I go along with thing I don't agree with, I email when I shouldn't...well...today I did one of those things and when I realized that I couldn't undo it, I just resigned myself to it. I do that often - resign myself.
As most of you have experienced with me, I call you, say things, email you...whatever...things I shouldn't do and things I don't stand behind or mean. Things that aren't me!! The best people in my life know where the me begins and the crack ends. In the past six months I've done some stupid shit...including the email from today and a complete over reaction to a break up (which I can laugh comically at now, how crazy can I get sometimes? Here's an example!! HAHAH!)...and many many more...I giggle...I can't help it, sometimes those raw reactions happen.
The best thing we can do is let them, accept them, and then let them go. Yes, we betray ourselves in the worst ways. The worst betrayal in the world is the kind we do to ourselves, the ones where we don't hold firm to our own personal morals and values. The little white lies we tell to ourselves to make us "feel better", the times we give in when we shouldn't, and for some, not even knowing where your integrity stands.
I know where my integrity stands. I was told once - "have 5 core values that you can count on one hand." These are values that are entirely me and any time I betray those, I'm only killing my own soul. These values are what is left when I stripped of my possessions and everything that can possible leave me in life. My 5 values that create an integrity in me are:
1. Family
2. Truth/Openness
3. Canine Companionship
4. Achievement (the idea of putting all your effort into everything you do that matters)
5. Perspective (Identifying and being aware of more than just one point of view)
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Yesterday was overall contented...work was hard, bills were plentiful and life was...I anticipating getting to Yoga all day since I was clearly upset from the inside out. But when I got to Yoga, I wasn't anticipating the degree of emotional displacement I would feel. WOW! I knew I was upset and had been pushing the feelings down all day, but this little release sure felt like a huge shift. It brought it to the surface and it woke me up straight. You'd have to feel it to understand it.
Anyway, the Beaver came over last night to hang out with Wally and me. He was rather comical in his words. We were chatting after a movie about life and expectations. He commented on the change in me, he said "I think it took that other Brian to knock the crazy out of you." I laugh even now thinking about it. That's a great line!! I certainly don't feel like the crazy got knocked out of me, but I do feel that something inside shifted and that has allowed me something greater than I thought possible. Something I didn't realize was missing in my life.
Now, let's discuss bills (I'm sure this is everyone's favorite topic). I got a bill in the mail yesterday that I knew was coming but was hoping would look a little nicer :)
It's a $1,500 bill for my stomach biopsy on December 24th. The shitty part of this is that it's my health insurance deductible and it's based on calendar year. So when I get my stomach implant in the next few weeks - I'll have to pay the $1,500 all over again since it's now 2008!!! Grrrrr...
Oh...I'm thinking about settling down. I went and looked at a house and it's cute, not the one for me, but the idea that I might actually buy something and committee to my life doesn't seem as scary as it use to.
I'm such a dingbat...I almost forgot the purpose of this post...I had a dream last night. Not just any dream but...a nightmare. It was horrid in the make you wanna throw up everything you've ever eatin' sorta way. The worst part was that no matter how much I tossed and turned, I couldn't change my dream pattern and I kept returning to the same darn thing. I know I'm focused right now on 'going with the flow' but I was wondering if maybe, just maybe, the flow could be a little kinder to me. I'm still in a very new place and I could really use a break from the bad energy.
