Every day we dedicate our Yoga practice to someone different (or perhaps a repeat, but it's a personal dedication none the less). Today I dedicated my Yoga practice in a really special way. I sent it to someone I care for, truly, madly, deeply. I sent them all the energy that I could possibly spare and through this practice I sent them love. Love of self, love of others and simple understanding of the entire word - L. O. V. E.
I've struggled with the concept of romatic love for a long time. I tell people I have never experienced it and don't know if I ever will. I want to make it clear that in saying that - I was lying!! I've loved in that way. I have loved and I have lost and I have learned to try, try, try again. Through errors of my past I have ruined partners of the present and the future. No more of that!!
In all my romantic relationships I think it's safe to say that I have loved twice. No it wasn't Josh, Brandon, or even Christian, I have meger friendships if that...with the two men who taught me the most about romantic love.
I have loved with most my heart, not the entire thing...and for that I am at fault. The first and most denied love of all (one which I will confess here for the first time), was Fernando. I loved him like I knew possible at that time. It wasn't the love I know now but it was special and unique all it's own. He taught me the value of friendship, the importance of faith in your partner and how to show affection in a very public way. This relationship also taught me how to fear and this has followed me to this day. Fear is something I am officially letting go of. When I close my eyes tonight to sleep, it is going away and when I awake tomorrow - I refuse to allow this into my life.
I am no longer scared of being cheated on for there are worse pains. For example, the pain of knowing that you allowed your fears to ruin the good in your life. This last month I have learned to release that which can not be changed. In my future relationships, I will allow my partner freedom that has been earned and the trust that I have to learn to give again. The baggage of the past is be left there.
Although I don't intend to find someone worthy of dating right now, I intend to open my heart to those in my life and continue to see that my friendships build on truth, trust and open-ness. Fear no longer lives within me and I will no longer allow anything in my life to be shaped by the unknown.
I have loved, I have lost and I will stand firm on my two feet and try to do it again.
