Artificial Turf

Life has been busy and yet stable to some degree. My job is going great - most days I love it. I'm having a bit of a problem with one person at work but I'm going to do my best to make it work. My dating life is entertaining, not to the degree that it use to be, but I suppose everything in life is talking a calm right now. I need it!

St. Patty's weekend was great! Shannon came to visit and we spent a bit of time at the pub crawl. Unfortunately, I had partied WAY too hard the night before and was pretty toasted pretty quickly and we didn't stay out as late as we probably should have.

Guess it goes with the territory.

Bummer

Well, I lost my best friend today, although it has been a long time coming. Brian has been a great friend to me. He's always been a listening ear, he's always been very smart and filled with wonderful insight...yet...he never saw me and I struggled with this for a long time. When we dated I complained about this to Alena and we had long chats about what I could do differently. When we started being friends, I just figured...oh well...I've tried as hard as I can and there's no point in throwing more effort into it. Brian insists that I only see the bad in people. He thinks that I'm full of negative energy. Yet I was the only friend of his who bothered to contact him on his birthday - even though he didn't do the same for me. Negative? Ha! I have to laugh at that of course. I have to stop and think of Cinnamon and how she's told me time and again how people see in others the things they don't like in themselves. It would have bothered me that he said this but being that no one else in my life has ever said this...and when I mentioned it to a few friends and family members they laughed...I have to take it like a grain of salt.
My mother and I recently talked about Brian (last week) and how he probably wasn't going to be in my life much longer. It's been time (whether I wanted it to be or not) that Brian got out of his comfort zone and stopped spending time with me. I would always keep the door open for Brian as he's been my best friend, but at my mother and I chatted and...it was time that Brian found new friends, hobbies and grand ventures. I will say that in his finding these new ventures - I am so proud of him! He started taking classes at a local college, he told me he didn't want to hang out with me but rather some other friends, and he started doing...things. Things he could share and talk about with me that didn't actually have to involve me. Things that weren't work related or work centered. In this he became a real friend to me, he stopped being clingy Brian who would have his feelings hurt when I had other plans and couldn't hang out with him, and he started being Brian again - the guy I first met.

I've lost friends before and I always say that friends come and go, that's the way the world works. They come into your life to show you something and they leave when that's completed. To this I would like to add that Brian has taught me a lot. He changed my life. Without him I never would have started my dog rescue which became something so much bigger and better than I ever could have expected. I never would have saved so many lives. I never would have moved into a little ghetto apartment and then into a real home. I never would have had a wake up call that made me get out into the world and start experiencing things - like climbing, yoga, rafting, snowboarding...if it wasn't for him. I'd probably still be living in my little apartment on Watt with my dog, watching TV alone at night after cooking exotic meals and working crazy hours. Perhaps the most important thing that Brian taught me was that the towels don't have to be perfect, this has become a metaphor for my life and so much more.

It's sad to lose a friend, especially a best friend, but because of Brian, I am taking something away from this friendship that I have never had before. For that, I am supremely grateful.

Perplexed

I have got to figure some shit out!! I've been toying with this problem for a few weeks now. The new guy is fine (technically speaking)...but I don't feel like I'm getting good quality or what I want ultimately. I think that's because I've been spoiled by...HIM! Do I dare go backwards? The Wise One told me absolutely not...but he keeps me sane. Or is he the reason I'm not sane to begin with...hahaha!
We talked recently and he said we don't really have a friendship. I've been thinking a lot about this. It's been five years, I suppose...good years even, we're going on six years this month. Ha! I have to laugh at the fact that we met by such random chance and the friend who introduced us is long gone but we've managed to stay just as close. I've kinda set the standard based on him (at least in part or maybe more than part) and now I'm starting to wondering if maybe...just maybe...I don't even wanna write it, writing it - like saying it, makes it real. My gut is totally in my stomach...do you ever toy with yourself, do it, don't do it, do it...DON'T DO IT!
I think we're both just so much alike that it's a problem. We're both totally fucked up and we aren't meant to be in relationships. Ha! I just wonder if after six years we ought to try something, something real...and yet....I don't want to because what we have is something that I don't want to lose. Is that what he's dealing with too? Besides it's all fun right now and would it be fun if we felt trapped? Certainly not.
But I keep coming back to the six years factor. We've seen each other through a lot, the death of family members, our vast random "relationships" or non-relationships as we call them, moves, jobs, hobbies, and overall growth. We do have a friendship!!! Aha! I have found the light! Now what? Nothing, now I close the writing page and get back to the routine...new guy, old guy, friends, friends, friends.

Community

I have some of the coolest people in my life. My roomie Pam, my buddy Nicole and I went to the art walk yesterday. It was amazing!! On the way there we noticed some people playing bongo drums and singing reggae in front of this house. We were like "dang, sure looks like a group we should party with..." just happens I knew one of them and within minutes WE WERE partying with them. How awesome!! We did the walk and went back to the house for a street party with a DJ. It was pretty rockin'. Pam was a bit on the sick side so we called it quits early that night...but it was a total blast!!
Oh did I mention that I'm talking to boys again. Ha! Yeah, not dating, I'm not in a dating spot with things right now...but talking. It's fun. One guy is totally awesome and I agree with the way he identified with the world, time and space...the other one...well...it's odd because he's entirely not good for me, yet...he gets me. Like the words I'm saying, he understands. Isn't that strange?? I don't know if I've ever met a guy who actually took the words I said and...got it.

Girl Chat

Today was a day for girl chat and gossip....loads of fun!
I got to spend some time with J.S. today. Random!! I haven't seen her in nine years and there she was today on J Street in Downtown. We spoke about everything from the sun to the ground and then exchanged info. We'll have to chat again before I leave. I know that I will certainly make time in my life for her. I want to catch up on her, she's a great person, a wonderful resource of information and worldly wisdom.
Next, I went to dinner with Elisha at Chevy's on the River. It was wonderful! We had a good time and so much to chat about. We can always chat until our throats are sore. We both are just talkative people. We shared some rather funny stories about pets, family and our ex's. It was great! She is a really unique person and one of those friends you just don't find all that often.
Last, I got to chat a little with Alena tonight. She's doing good...being herself of course. She might spend the summer in New York. That would kick ass since she'd be in just one state away from me. AMAZING! I sure hope that works out. I love getting to spend time with her and would certainly make the trip to the big city to see her if she ends up there.
Oh, today is Brandon's birthday. Did I mention that? I also emailed my buddy Josh to check in on his life. I love my guy pals. They sure are a core for me. They tell me the truth even when I don't wanna hear it. They are solid and real 100% of the time.

Akiko

Akiko emailed me today, I love hearing from her. She's certainly someone I expect to have in my life for a very long time. She wrote to tell me that she has a new boyfriend. She said "I think he is the good person because he understands the meaning of my tears." I like this saying...the idea of a guy who understands the meaning of my tears...what a concept!!
I know I often feel very misunderstood, but I guess part of that really comes out of the idea that I haven't met a guy who is willing to take the time and make the effort to really get me. I hope that this guy treats Akiko right, she hasn't had the best boyfriends in the past and she certainly deserves the best.

Great Company

I had some great company tonight. I made dinner and he came over. When the movie got bad, we sat and laughed and contimplated the good. He didn't jump up and try to fix it, I gave up...I think that you're description of the movie as "the five hour film" was genius. I'm going to have to remember that because I'm sure that it's not the last bad movie I'll encounter.

I have so much homework this weekend. I have one essay for each class due this week. That means that I'm going to be a little writing fiend! Brandon is also moving this weekend. I'm going to ask if he needs help, I recall the first move we made together. He was leaving Elk Grove for Sacramento and I had the great priviledge of being a passenger. I did no manual labor, all I had to do was sit in the car with my smile and make great company.

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Kick ass movie of the month: Across the Universe
WATCH IT!!!!!

This is direct to YOU!!!

This entry is 100% for you. YOU YOU YOU. YOU know who you are and if you question it - ask me!

First off - you've been on my brain all day and I just don't have the balls to call and tell you this so a blog entry is the best I can do.
You do mean more to me than "that" and to say that you mean more to me than that at one time would be totally incorrect because you mean more to me than "that" now! You are so incredibly valuable to me. I'm entirely sure how you could have gotten any other impression, but it doesn't matter because it's the wrong one!
You matter to me! You are perhaps the only stable person in my life right now. You are my rock! I hope to keep you as a life long friend, I just imagined that you'd always be a part of my life and I never really questioned your permanency. I don't intend to do that now either.

If you were hurt because I left out a lot of the stuff we do together, don't be! I left it out because it doesn't need to be examined and reviewed - the stuff we do together is sacred.

You asked me today, "why don't I get to do the fun stuff with you?" I've thought about this because it wasn't something I realized at all...I guess, the answer is because with these other people, I normally just jump on the band wagon. If you come up with something you wanna do and you want me to go, I'll be there! I'm just not normally the one to think up the fun stuff. I'll try, if it's a way for me to show you I care, I'll try. I do care. You are my best friend and if I've hurt you I'm terribly terribly sorry! You have no clue just how much.

From A - F

A - Ambulance.
There is an ambulance that parks outside my house and waits for their calls - it's rather aggrevating to me...of course...hahaha. Anyway, they didn't show up tonight and I can't help but think of them - what are they up to?

B - Beaver.
I never really realized just how much he really liked me. No details desired...

C - Chili.
I had chili for dinner and my belly is a giant, round, ouch!

D - Destiny.
The wind is blowing me in a direction right now that I'm not sure about, but I'm gonna let it carry me and see where I might land.

E - Endless.
Things feel so endless right now - everything and every moment is so full it is hard to take it all in. I'm lucky to have so much and I'm working on finding the best ways to share that with those in my life.

F - Family
My family is unique and AMAZING! I am so blessed. My cousin is sick and I'm a little worried about her, but I know that she'll do what needs to be done for her own health and I know that all will work out as it should. I'm just so blessed!! I can barely say it enough, my family really adds a depth to my life that few people are lucky enough to experience.

Don't Stand So Close to Me

I'm sure you've heard that great 80's song, "Don't Stand So Close to Me," I wanted to send a word out to you - you - you- you know who you are...stop standing so close!!! Hahaha!

Anyway, today was good, I feel this inner love. It's tingly and warm and it feels like I wanna cry about it - don't ask why...I'm not even sure.

I got a phone call today from Apollo. I haven't heard from him in far too long. We chatted a bit about life and love. Apollo's been a good friend of mine for about five years now and at the end of a good conversation he'll always tell me "see you in six months." I have a tendency to come in and out of friendships and Apollo knows that sometimes I just need some breathing room. He's the same way.
Our conversation was interesting, I've never talked with Apollo about love before because I have always been so convinced that it's not something I have ever felt. So we chatted about how live with this feeling and it was productive and good. I miss him! He lives in Utah and is one of my twp guy friends that isn't one of "those guy friends."

Do you miss someone? How do you deal with that?

I miss someone today. I miss someone, something I don't do too often but something that I'm learning can take a lot of depth to understand. I feel content and balanced but I feel the absence of this person today, I feel it strong within my guy, within my throat and within my heart.

Do you miss someone? Why don't you call them?

I'm sure you have your reasons, I have mine too...perhaps the cell phone or the telephone in general really wasn't that great of an invention.

It's a Step with No Door

So tonight I did what I always do when alone or scared - I went and hung out with Brandon. He was house sitting for his sister...shortly after Brandon and I met five years ago, he moved into this house with his grandfather who was severely ill (old age). When his grandfather died a year and a half ago, his sister bought the house and moved in with her husband and two kids. Of course Brandon moved out at that time and I hadn't been in the house since. BUT WOW! His sister really did an amazing job at fixing up the place. The family knocked down walls, re-did the flooring, painted, and more. It looks stunning now, modern!

Anyway, Brandon and I hung out and it was nice. Mind you, when I was dating the Beaver and then the other Brian - I didn't see Brandon at all. I didn't want to make either one worry (although I'll admit telling the other Brian that I was still hanging out with Brandon. After some thought and debate, I decided that I did that because he got to hang out with girls who liked him and didn't care about my feelings so I felt that it would make me feel better to do the same - it didn't...but that's another story...). So, Brandon and I watched a few movies, I got to see Beau (the most adorable senior dog). We had a good time. There was a lot of quiet time where we were just sitting around and enjoying each others company. During these quiet moments I realized that there is a lot about him that I need to recognize and consider.

First - Brandon has been important in my life because he puts me in line. When I say something stupid or act in a way he doesn't like - he doesn't put up with it. He calls me on it and stands firm. He needs absolutely nothing from me and this is a comfort to me. I need this in my life every once in a while.

Second - It isn't that Brandon makes me feel great about myself, it's that I only spend time around him when I need a boost and am really working at making myself feel good. He just happens to be there.

Third - It took five years but I am comfortable around him. He may be one of the few guys who I'm attracted to and still able to be around without feeling scared, nervous, or afraid.

When I'm with him I don't feel like I have to work on anything. I don't have to cuddle if I don't want to and he isn't going to try to make me. I don't have to pretend to be interested in something if I'm not, he doesn't care. His self confidence is contagious and it feels good.

Mind you, while I'm hanging out with him my phone rang like no tomorrow...when I left his place, I had messages from Beaver, Mandy, Fernando and Mom. Glory!

It's Hammer Time

Went out with the girls tonight...they're still out partying, I decided to call it...don't ask why, it wasn't the funniest story ever.
We went out to eat and I ordered Mushroom/Chicken Fettecine. It arrived with a shrimp in it...one shrimp - no biggie but the waitress told the manager and he came over and personally apologized...it was comical in it's own right.

Then we hopped over to Benny's on Q. It was neat, we sat outside drinking it up and chatting. Here's the group gathered around one of the nice little heaters they have out back:

From left: Elyssa, Turalie, Pricilla, Paul, Nicole. In the front: Anna and ME

Pricilla drove all the way from San Francisco just to celebrate Turalie's birthday with us...isn't that sweet!!




Then we hit the club and it was hot and comical all the same. A few drinks in, Pricilla, Elyssa and I started taking photos in front of the fan...some are better than others...this one was only so-so...but funny none the less!

The bouncer tried to get me to have some drinks with him. Cute, but not my scene. I'm not a bar hopper and certainly not a club goer!!! I haven't been to a club in about a year...and that was with Alena and Akiko - which makes it something totally different. Anyway, because I'm trying to do something new and different at least once a week I thought this would be a good place to start. It was! It tested my comfort level in a variety of ways but I was still able to find my center and enjoy the time out.

Next week, me and "On Divorced Men" are going up to Feather Falls for a hike/climb. Not sure what to expect their but should be fun!

_____

On a different note, I had some thoughts today...first, I need to take up a volunteer position that I devote at least 2 hours a week to. As it is, I don't feel like I'm giving and I think that something that doesn't put a lot of pressure on me but still allows me to give would be great. Maybe cooking on the weekends at the homeless shelter...

Another thing, when I got home tonight, there was a tape on my porch...I think I'm being stalked. I haven't looked at it or put in the player...I just thought it odd that someone bothered to leave something on my steps. No note. No nothing...very odd!

I Haunt

Let me start by saying that today was not painful and I have no terrible horror stories from it. I had a good evening. I just got home and I'm relaxing now.

On a slightly more in depth note, I got told by someone today that while he wasn't with me, I had been "haunting" him. I thought that was funny...apparently I haunt!

I have some interesting theories to chat about but I'm tired and need to hit the hay...I'll write about it all tomorrow...so much to share...excited...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...........

If You're Reading This...It's Cause You Love Me...Accept it...

Yeah, I know you love me....that's okay....the feeling is almost mutual...

______________
On a different note...the wind is driving my little doggies nuts!! My screen keeps slamming open and closed, my door mat is trying to make a run for it...wind isn't my friend.

__________
I'm planning a trip with "On Divorced Men". We did that once, went camping...it was a great venture!!! We had the most amazing dinner on our trip down to Santa Cruz then camped out. We actually have the most hilarious story about the whole trip, it involved a tent, unknown occupants and a "yepp" from a stranger.

Looooong night

I'm tired! HA!
Anyway, I went to the 2nd Saturday Art Walk in downtown. It was an interesting venture. Elisha, Keira and I went around and looked at all the art. There were some that I was really amazed by and if I had money would have considered purchasing, then...there were the others. The ones that we all agreed - we could do that! Keira took a personal offense to one photo of a one way sign...she was angry that it made it into the gallery at all. It was comical how vocal she was about it...although I suppose slightly embarrassing since it was important to someone.

Anyway, on the art walk I ran into the individual from "On Divorced Men..." OH MY GOD! What a surprise! I had just recently re-entered his life via email and it was a shock to see his face standing in front of me. We hugged, chatted shortly but we were both with groups so it was brief. He called tonight but I missed it, maybe I'll call him tomorrow. Again, what a shock!

After the art walk, we joined up with Laura, Lindsey and Megan. Then we went to the Pine Cove for drinks and karaoke!! It was comical but overall only so so as I was completely exhausted at that point. I did happen to see someone at the Pine Cove from another area of my life and was again, rather surprised and yet intrigued, perhaps I should be paying more attentiont to this guy as we seem to have MANY things in common.

God's Knee-Cap

Date went well...he's a good guy. He's got a lot to offer and knows how to step up and take/ask for what he wants. He would know where to draw the line with me and how to encourage me to be a better fit for him through learning. He's got the energy and desire to put into someone the effort needed to make a relationship work. Anyway...onto bigger and better things...

Do you think that maybe we're all just part of God's knee-cap? (Another individuals deep theoretical concept)...hehehe...

Can you believe that I've been on my own for almost two months? Wow! It's been a while and yet it feels like yesterday. Amazing how time can be longer or shorter than it actually is...does that make any sense?

I have exciting plans for tomorrow, I can't wait. First I have a dog thing, then I have this program I'm going to which should be interesting (can't wait to tell you all about it), and then I'm going out at night for a good time with some really great friends who have planned out a wild and yet totally sane evening of my favorite activities!

Random-ness

I'm going on a date tonight with a wonderful guy who is a female body trainer. Crazy! He's totally buff and he spends his day around GORGEOUS women who do a variety of things including modeling, cheerleading and more. Yet, I feel confident that I'm good enough for him. I'm okay with his job and the women around him, they don't threaten me in any way and I'm not jealous...this may be the first time in my life that I've been at ease with the idea of someone letting him do his thing, I'll do mine, and I'll put faith in you to be honest with me as to how things go.

I hate voice mail...with a passion! Yesterday I had something rather comical to share with Alena and so I called her, when she didn't answer I decided to leave a message and yet make it clear that a voice mail message in return would send my frazzled nerves a frenzy! I understand the desire to leave a voice mail message - sometimes I even like them. But as a whole, I hate voice mail. I have caller ID and if you're one of my friends - I can see you called and I'll call you, no need to leave a message! I rant...hehehehe!

Some crazy nut was on my blog space at 1am this morning!! According to my blog log - this individual looked at 20 pages of my stuff...I laughed like crazy when I saw that, I didn't even know I written tha much and certainly not anything interesting enough to warrant that much reading! HA! Thank you my loyal reader and may tonight bring you some sleep!

Do what makes you happy, I can't say this enough. Do you not know the answer? Ask yourself and make sure you spend enough alone time to listen. If it's a person, if it's a hobby, if it's a job or a food you want - do what makes you happy!!! Happiness can only be created from within and although sometimes hard to see, we all can achieve such wonderful things if we just spend the time and effort on making sure we understand and work for the things in our lives that are our priorities.

I'd like to send some thoughts and well wishes to the Beasaw family who is dealing with a very crazy group of individuals at this time. This wonderful family has been the target of some evangelicals in their area (yes, they really do exist) who think it is their duty to save them from damnation. I, however, feel strongly that this family is not damned. Jeanne Beasaw has been such a kind soul to me. When living in Missouri she was the only adult who really was there when needed. She always offered herself, her family and her home to Cottey girls, myself included. She is much loved!!! Jason Beasaw is a wonderful guy as well! As we all know, Jason and his wife are kind hearted people who will go out of their way for those that matter to them. Again, truly a wonderful family and I hope all the people in my life will send them positive energy as they are in need and truly deserving!

On Divorced Men...

This is what was written to me today by the individual who I disappeared on (the first divorced man I ever dated)...very interesting...
"Well, I can't deny that divorced men come with their share of scratches and dents. Some men recover. Some men don't. I'm a different person than I was when we dated. On a tangent -- there;. I said it. We dated. that's the one thing I wanted to tell you at Q's party -- that I've realized that I didn't acknowledge the extent of our relationship. I was afraid of getting attached to you, and I thought by not calling our relationship what it really was, I wouldn't get attached.

"Oddly enough, I got attached to you anyway. I've learned a lot about myself since we dated. I did a lot of work in trying to figure out some of my shit. I don't have it all figured out, by any means, but I know more about myself than I used to. Getting that knowledge led to a lot of
changes in me -- so much so that the gang started calling me "Joe 2.0"

"Many divorced men blame their ex-wife for everything, get all bitter and shit, then fail to take responsibility for their own actions. I realize that I closed myself off to the ex, and to you. I used to think I built the wall around myself to keep other people from getting in. That's not quite true. I built that wall to keep myself in. The other problem is that many men aren't trained in self-discovery. They've probably spent their adult lives hiding from feelings. I realize now that I did that shit. I try real hard not to anymore."

12 Steps...or maybe 30

So I started thinking about how much I really hate the disappearing act. You know, when someone closes the door on their life and doesn't leave anything for you to hold onto? Well, in thinking about it, I had to admit that I did pull the disappearing act on ONE (any only one) person.
You see, I was dating someone when I met Brian. His name is Shane and he's a very nice person. He's a divorcee with a cat. HA! Totally not my thing, but he really understand my emotions and was able to put a lot of my irrational self doubt to rest. Anyway, I thought it would be a good idea to make amends in this area of my life; I'd hate to be a hypocrite.
So, last night I wrote Shane a little letter. Nothing nice or moving…just a hey. He wrote back this morning and as he said “nearly choked on my coffee when I saw your email.” Although I need to make amends with him in order to set my mind at ease about my own disappearing act, I’m not sure I’m ready for the friendship that he seems ready for. He wants to do dinner this week and unfortunately, I’m just not there. I’ll certainly enjoy emailing and chatting though and isn’t that enough to set my mind at ease some…?

Crawlin'

Did a small pub crawl around Sacramento with some pals...cool pictures...hahah! More pictures available on my MySpace page, including the end of the crawl results...a completely exhausted and soaking wet me!

We had a good time. We hit five to seven bars over the course of the night, made some new friends as we went and enjoyed a few drinks...hehehe...we danced, we sang, we got beads!

Oh, and for a moment, let me revert back to the guitar thoughts. At one stop there was a SMOKING hot lead guitar player. I, of course, commented on how incredible his arms were, to which Stacey replied "cause he fingers all day." Needless to say, he was slightly older than me but I expect him to call...yeah, I'm going back to the guitar guy thing...I know, a terrible pandora's box to open but how else can I get over my guitar thoughts without attempting to make amends with a guitar player and hot ass singer? He did some great cover band songs too. I should just stop there or I might keep going...ha!

I can't remember the last time I went out with a group of girl friends and didn't think for a second of wanting to be at home with some guy. Some guy who would eventually turn out to suck, break my heart or hurt me just when I started to feel safe. However, tonight I went out with my girl pals and we had a truly kick ass time. I enjoyed being ME! That me that had been in the back shelf and dusty for the last five months.