I have got to figure some shit out!! I've been toying with this problem for a few weeks now. The new guy is fine (technically speaking)...but I don't feel like I'm getting good quality or what I want ultimately. I think that's because I've been spoiled by...HIM! Do I dare go backwards? The Wise One told me absolutely not...but he keeps me sane. Or is he the reason I'm not sane to begin with...hahaha!
We talked recently and he said we don't really have a friendship. I've been thinking a lot about this. It's been five years, I suppose...good years even, we're going on six years this month. Ha! I have to laugh at the fact that we met by such random chance and the friend who introduced us is long gone but we've managed to stay just as close. I've kinda set the standard based on him (at least in part or maybe more than part) and now I'm starting to wondering if maybe...just maybe...I don't even wanna write it, writing it - like saying it, makes it real. My gut is totally in my stomach...do you ever toy with yourself, do it, don't do it, do it...DON'T DO IT!
I think we're both just so much alike that it's a problem. We're both totally fucked up and we aren't meant to be in relationships. Ha! I just wonder if after six years we ought to try something, something real...and yet....I don't want to because what we have is something that I don't want to lose. Is that what he's dealing with too? Besides it's all fun right now and would it be fun if we felt trapped? Certainly not.
But I keep coming back to the six years factor. We've seen each other through a lot, the death of family members, our vast random "relationships" or non-relationships as we call them, moves, jobs, hobbies, and overall growth. We do have a friendship!!! Aha! I have found the light! Now what? Nothing, now I close the writing page and get back to the routine...new guy, old guy, friends, friends, friends.
