I did something I shouldn't have, something high school-ish and stupid and of course it's come around to bite me in the ass. Worst part is that this ass biting is really making me think.
I have a really big decision to make and I need to do it. I've been dragging my feet and making excuses for myself and I've got to stop. I have to do this!!!
About a month ago Cinnamon and I were talking about a boy. This boy has become a vested interest of mine. He's been around and not around, but ultimately I seem to think that there was always something worth saving there. In talking with her, we decided that maybe really there wasn't anything there. Maybe what I always was gaining from him was knowledge. He always taught me stuff. New and exciting things. But...we agreed that maybe he doesn't have anything more to teach me. In which case, I really can't hold on any longer. I have to cut him out.
This may be one of the hardest things I've ever done. It may be the most emotionally painful experience I've ever been through but I know I'll come out better in the end.
I spoke with Elisha about this today, when I finally realized I had a decision to make and she said that she truly believes that 23-30 are the hardest years of your life. I'm starting to think that. After all, in December (the month I turned 23 in) I got dumped and things have been changing ever since. Change is hard!! The outcomes are far better than I could ever expect and I've learned SO much in just a short period of time. But gosh, change hurts and it's hard and it's draining and more than anything...it's scary.
I've deleted his telephone numbers from my cell phone, I've deleted all our old texts and emails, and I took that one little piece of paper from my book that had his number on it and I fed it through the garbage disposal. I have to stop this! I have to become the stronger person and I have to be able to say for me when enough is enough! I may cry for the next five hours but I'll come out better - stronger - wiser - intact.
