The Monthly Dumping

Dumped again...one month and three days to the date of the last one.
Do you ever wish that someone could literally see and feel things from your perspective? I've been through various things and I don't think I've ever really wanted that. Right now - I do. My boyfriend is mad at me for something I didn't do. If I could just pull up deleted texts I could prove it. If I could just cave and call Beth I would...and yet...I feel like it wouldn't matter. He's made up his mind and he needs to do his monthly thing. I just wish he could see things from my eyes, I wish he could feel my love for him, my pain when he does this each time and the way that I feel in the middle of the month when I'm just waiting for this to happen again and again. I keep giving my heart and waiting to be hurt...yet each time he breaks it, I have to wonder if it grows a little smaller.
As I do, I called Brian to see what he thinks I should do. Of course his first response when I said that my boyfriend was upset because he thought I texted Brandon was "How com I'm ok but not the other?" So Brian! Then he said "Of course he's throwing a fit. Guys do that when it comes to exes." When I asked if I should just cave and call Beth, he said that I need to really think about it. Yes it's not a good thing to cave but..."As a friend I'm saying you can be very difficult." Lol! I know that and Brian's brutal honesty with me is always very refreshing. He tells it like it is. I need that sometimes. Although the only that Brian really made me aware of was the fact that I'm being to idealistic if I really expect my boyfriend to trust me. Apparently, guys just don't do that.
The worst part is that I completely trust Steve. He could go out to dinner with an ex and so long as he told me what was up and came home to me afterwards I could deal with it. I don't think I've ever felt this type of trust before but this is the first relationship I've been in since my diagnosis and since I've started really working at being health and only being in healthy relationships. Is it true that they say only cheaters get worried that you're cheating?? I sure hope not because I'm putting my 100% into believing that Steve is faithful and I refuse to let that be shaken unless he says so out of his own mouth.

Male Counterpart

I have met a man who is extremely like me. It's strange how I feel like I'm looking at a mirror. He does things in his life that remind me of me...two years ago. I've changed and don't really roll like that anymore but overall - it's rather entertaining to watch someone just like me.

Many Levels of Growth

I had a great day! I learned some really amazing stuff about good manangement and leadership today. I had the priviledge of getting to work with Lee Scott of Unleashing Leaders. Everything he said seemed to new to me and yet it all hit the nail on the head. Amazing!

On a different note, I made a good stride in my personal life...I've been playing around with this guy and today I realized - hey..."he's just not that into me" and I've decided that I should probably ditch that and go find someone who actually gives a rat. WOW! I've never been able to do that, I've never been that girl, and yet - I am that girl, I am doing it and it feels like something I should have done a long time ago.

Trouper

My Grandmother made it through Chemo and we're all excited to say that she has only a pea-sized piece of cancer left. It's in the bone on her chest and she'll need to do 10 days of radiation to try and get rid of it, but we're all very glad that everything else has cleared up and she's definitely going to be getting better very soon! My biggest concern is with the recurrance rate on her specific type of cancer. The statistics are scary but I must say that knowing I have her for at least one more Thanksgiving, Christmas and birthday sure do make me warm inside. She's such a huge piece of me.

Although I've sworn off all contact with Brandon, I realize that he may still try to contact me. If he does I've also decided on some conditions that I need met before I'm willing to start talking with him again. I need him to:
1- Try some hobbies together (spend time with me doing fun things, things that I like - climbing, hiking, rafting and such)
2- Check out my friends (in the past he hasn't always like my friends so I'd like to introduce him to my crowd and see how he reacts - I definitely place my friends above any guy and I need to know that he's okay with them)
3- Give us a chance (I need him to actually make an attempt at something with me. No more walls for either of us. Maybe it will last a week or maybe a month but I need it to be real and I need to know that least we tried).

I've been reading some really great books lately. I love reading! When I find a good book that makes me stay up reading until 1am (like last night) when I have to wake up at 8am the next morning - that reminds me of why I decided that English was passion.

Tough Knocks

I did something I shouldn't have, something high school-ish and stupid and of course it's come around to bite me in the ass. Worst part is that this ass biting is really making me think.
I have a really big decision to make and I need to do it. I've been dragging my feet and making excuses for myself and I've got to stop. I have to do this!!!
About a month ago Cinnamon and I were talking about a boy. This boy has become a vested interest of mine. He's been around and not around, but ultimately I seem to think that there was always something worth saving there. In talking with her, we decided that maybe really there wasn't anything there. Maybe what I always was gaining from him was knowledge. He always taught me stuff. New and exciting things. But...we agreed that maybe he doesn't have anything more to teach me. In which case, I really can't hold on any longer. I have to cut him out.
This may be one of the hardest things I've ever done. It may be the most emotionally painful experience I've ever been through but I know I'll come out better in the end.

I spoke with Elisha about this today, when I finally realized I had a decision to make and she said that she truly believes that 23-30 are the hardest years of your life. I'm starting to think that. After all, in December (the month I turned 23 in) I got dumped and things have been changing ever since. Change is hard!! The outcomes are far better than I could ever expect and I've learned SO much in just a short period of time. But gosh, change hurts and it's hard and it's draining and more than anything...it's scary.

I've deleted his telephone numbers from my cell phone, I've deleted all our old texts and emails, and I took that one little piece of paper from my book that had his number on it and I fed it through the garbage disposal. I have to stop this! I have to become the stronger person and I have to be able to say for me when enough is enough! I may cry for the next five hours but I'll come out better - stronger - wiser - intact.

Short and To The Point

I spent my day with the Army Corp of Engineers helping to facilitate a leadership program for them on the ropes course. It was a fun day and I learned a ton.

As for self discovery, I still feel like I'm learning something new about myself everyday. Today I took the time to sit down and think a little about my goals. I started with one year, five year and future. I was able to get some really concrete stuff on paper. Just cause it's there doesn't mean I can't change my mind, it just means that I'm aware of those goals and striving toward something.

Grounding

I'm in this really strange and scary place of self discovery, a level of it that many people never even get to. But I'm there and I'm learning and trying and waiting for something great to be revealed to me. But what I forget is that it comes in small glimpses of perfection. Tiny moments of being present, real and open. I had a few of those tonight.
The first one was at Sweetwater, a local stomping ground. A group of about 40 of us Peakies were there to wish Andrea (the marketing director) farewell. My perfect moment happened when I was sitting next to Brad, Taylor, Mark, and Joslyn and I looked around the room. It was a group of 40 people I know, I love and respect. People who have mutual feelings for me as well. It was strange to be in a room and look around and feel like you're with family...maybe not even feel - know. Knowing that everyone in that room would be there to support me if I ever needed them. Knowing that we could name every person who wasn't there and know that they were with us in spirit. Knowing that I have this amazing group of friends, larger and stronger than I ever expected. It was extremely powerful! All day I had been stressing about an issue, an issue I had got myself caught up in and couldn't let my head release. But this moment brought me back down to earth and grounded me.
After dinner I had another perfect moment...one that I'm not going to get into details over because the details don't matter all that much to anyone other than me. But, it was a moment in a setting that I didn't expect, with a person I didn't expect, doing nothing really...but being together in a real moment.

The Self We Invision

Reminder to self: must keep two feet on the ground, ass in the chair, head on the shoulders!

Warning: Extremely personal and heartfelt. Read with sensitivity.

There's a lot going on in my mind right now. As some of you may know, I was "seeing" someone for about a month recently and it ended quick...like instantly. This situation brought up a lot of feelings, emotions, thoughts, struggles within me. Very much a personal issue and completely unrelated to this individual. Please pardon the lack of transitions in this tale...

I was reminded this week upon the abrupt end of this..."relationship" (mind you it was never official) why I don't date. I removed myself from the dating scene in January of this year and have not had a single relationship since. At the time, it seemed appropriate to focus on my own mental health. To which I have since spent extensive time attempting to better understand myself and get in touch with my soul. Some where along the line of my life, my mind took over and my soul took second place. In the course of several months I learned much about myself. I also learned many things about my failed relationships (both platonic and not). I also began a journey to find the voice within me, one that I don't remember ever hearing. Some said you have to stop listening to your mind and listen to your heart/soul. I hate this saying, it's all too touchy of a subject for me. I'm not sure I have one...I am taking a giant leap of faith in saying...I believe I have this within me and I am DETERMINED to find it and hear it speak.

Since my journey in January began, I lost sight of what I was seeking. I believe this happened in about July when I became restless and began to take too much pride in my new found knowledge (which included both emotional, mental and physical sensations that I had never experienced and had been numb to). I hadn't intended on dating anyone, yet this amazing guy fell into my lap and I had no ability to walk away...even though the relationship ended, I am taking SO much away from it.

I have been reminded that I am not ready to date. Not at all!! I am reminded of my goal for myself and why I started out on this journey in January, which I so welcome to begin again. I have much to learn...so much! I told a friend in January that I felt behind, like my eyes were opened and all of a sudden I realized that the world had passed me by. I lost sight of my goals. Goals for my heart and soul that I need to return to attending to. That means no, I can't date. I'm not ready. I need to make sure that I have more time in nature, more time to feel my body and know what it can and can't do, more time to try new things and success or not, but most importantly more time to consider my boundaries, my morals, my beliefs and how I can be present in every situation while maintaining that integrity.

Adrenaline

Had a good day, I got the privilege of spending my entire day with Peak. It was delightful. I got to climb, chat, enjoy people and places. It was rockin!!! I also got to try walking across a balance beam that was WAY up in the air. It was so intense. It's one of those things where you learn about yourself through the experiences that you take in. Intense for sure, adrenaline not in shortage, life expectancy shrinking...oh well... :)

On another note, my health has taken a turn for scary again. I have some more tests on Tuesday to figure some new stuff out but spent last night on the phone with a nurse and apparently I'm not suppose to wait til Tuesday...grr...I'm so tired of tests and feeling sick and...all of it. My mother is of course, flippin' out and trying to come stay with me, to which I simply refuse. I'm a big girl and although I love having her around, there are major issues at home that need more immediate attention - like my Grandma. It puts my mind at ease knowing that my family is there to make sure she's doing okay. Forget about me, deal with those I love because without them, I just don't know where I'd be...

That Famous Word: Integrity

I've been told time and time again that I have great integrity...at first I didn't understand much about this word, of course I looked it up...and I decided that I still don't think I really understand it.

Right now, I'm struggling with integrity in dating. What is my personal moral feeling when dating? What do I consider acceptable and not (both for myself and the other party)?

I've been "dating" (mind you I hate dating so I'm not really calling it that) this individual who officially makes me feel sick to my stomach over myself. I know that I'm not whole and I'm working very hard to establish a sense of completeness in my life. I'm learning what it means to grow spiritually and to find balance. This individual exhibited EXTREME integrity last night. To which...I can only question my own. Do I have any integrity in dating? Is that why I hate dating? How or where do I begin to examine this within myself? It's a very large concept for me and I'm not sure what I truly believe to be right/moral. I guess that actual question is where do I start to look for answers and understanding when it comes to integrity in dating? I suppose Border's Book store is fine place...the more I read about how others feel, the more I can find myself either agreeing or disagreeing and coming to my own conclusions. I certainly need a conclusion right now as I feel like a terrible person not having any integrity in this area. I've dated far too long without it!

Together

I'm just not together enough for dating yet. I got asked out again in the hallway today and all I could think was "NO WAY." I'm not in a position to date. I'm not sane enough yet. I have so much to learn about myself that devoting time and energy to forming a relationship to the best of my ability...well...isn't the best of my ability.
Instead, I'd like to focus on self growth, learning how to advance my spirit, figuring out what thigns in life really make me happy and enjoying those things without worry about other.