I did something I shouldn't have, something high school-ish and stupid and of course it's come around to bite me in the ass. Worst part is that this ass biting is really making me think.
I have a really big decision to make and I need to do it. I've been dragging my feet and making excuses for myself and I've got to stop. I have to do this!!!
About a month ago Cinnamon and I were talking about a boy. This boy has become a vested interest of mine. He's been around and not around, but ultimately I seem to think that there was always something worth saving there. In talking with her, we decided that maybe really there wasn't anything there. Maybe what I always was gaining from him was knowledge. He always taught me stuff. New and exciting things. But...we agreed that maybe he doesn't have anything more to teach me. In which case, I really can't hold on any longer. I have to cut him out.
This may be one of the hardest things I've ever done. It may be the most emotionally painful experience I've ever been through but I know I'll come out better in the end.
I spoke with Elisha about this today, when I finally realized I had a decision to make and she said that she truly believes that 23-30 are the hardest years of your life. I'm starting to think that. After all, in December (the month I turned 23 in) I got dumped and things have been changing ever since. Change is hard!! The outcomes are far better than I could ever expect and I've learned SO much in just a short period of time. But gosh, change hurts and it's hard and it's draining and more than anything...it's scary.
I've deleted his telephone numbers from my cell phone, I've deleted all our old texts and emails, and I took that one little piece of paper from my book that had his number on it and I fed it through the garbage disposal. I have to stop this! I have to become the stronger person and I have to be able to say for me when enough is enough! I may cry for the next five hours but I'll come out better - stronger - wiser - intact.
Showing posts with label selfhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label selfhood. Show all posts
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Sunday, September 14, 2008
The Self We Invision
Reminder to self: must keep two feet on the ground, ass in the chair, head on the shoulders!
Warning: Extremely personal and heartfelt. Read with sensitivity.
There's a lot going on in my mind right now. As some of you may know, I was "seeing" someone for about a month recently and it ended quick...like instantly. This situation brought up a lot of feelings, emotions, thoughts, struggles within me. Very much a personal issue and completely unrelated to this individual. Please pardon the lack of transitions in this tale...
I was reminded this week upon the abrupt end of this..."relationship" (mind you it was never official) why I don't date. I removed myself from the dating scene in January of this year and have not had a single relationship since. At the time, it seemed appropriate to focus on my own mental health. To which I have since spent extensive time attempting to better understand myself and get in touch with my soul. Some where along the line of my life, my mind took over and my soul took second place. In the course of several months I learned much about myself. I also learned many things about my failed relationships (both platonic and not). I also began a journey to find the voice within me, one that I don't remember ever hearing. Some said you have to stop listening to your mind and listen to your heart/soul. I hate this saying, it's all too touchy of a subject for me. I'm not sure I have one...I am taking a giant leap of faith in saying...I believe I have this within me and I am DETERMINED to find it and hear it speak.
Since my journey in January began, I lost sight of what I was seeking. I believe this happened in about July when I became restless and began to take too much pride in my new found knowledge (which included both emotional, mental and physical sensations that I had never experienced and had been numb to). I hadn't intended on dating anyone, yet this amazing guy fell into my lap and I had no ability to walk away...even though the relationship ended, I am taking SO much away from it.
I have been reminded that I am not ready to date. Not at all!! I am reminded of my goal for myself and why I started out on this journey in January, which I so welcome to begin again. I have much to learn...so much! I told a friend in January that I felt behind, like my eyes were opened and all of a sudden I realized that the world had passed me by. I lost sight of my goals. Goals for my heart and soul that I need to return to attending to. That means no, I can't date. I'm not ready. I need to make sure that I have more time in nature, more time to feel my body and know what it can and can't do, more time to try new things and success or not, but most importantly more time to consider my boundaries, my morals, my beliefs and how I can be present in every situation while maintaining that integrity.
Warning: Extremely personal and heartfelt. Read with sensitivity.
There's a lot going on in my mind right now. As some of you may know, I was "seeing" someone for about a month recently and it ended quick...like instantly. This situation brought up a lot of feelings, emotions, thoughts, struggles within me. Very much a personal issue and completely unrelated to this individual. Please pardon the lack of transitions in this tale...
I was reminded this week upon the abrupt end of this..."relationship" (mind you it was never official) why I don't date. I removed myself from the dating scene in January of this year and have not had a single relationship since. At the time, it seemed appropriate to focus on my own mental health. To which I have since spent extensive time attempting to better understand myself and get in touch with my soul. Some where along the line of my life, my mind took over and my soul took second place. In the course of several months I learned much about myself. I also learned many things about my failed relationships (both platonic and not). I also began a journey to find the voice within me, one that I don't remember ever hearing. Some said you have to stop listening to your mind and listen to your heart/soul. I hate this saying, it's all too touchy of a subject for me. I'm not sure I have one...I am taking a giant leap of faith in saying...I believe I have this within me and I am DETERMINED to find it and hear it speak.
Since my journey in January began, I lost sight of what I was seeking. I believe this happened in about July when I became restless and began to take too much pride in my new found knowledge (which included both emotional, mental and physical sensations that I had never experienced and had been numb to). I hadn't intended on dating anyone, yet this amazing guy fell into my lap and I had no ability to walk away...even though the relationship ended, I am taking SO much away from it.
I have been reminded that I am not ready to date. Not at all!! I am reminded of my goal for myself and why I started out on this journey in January, which I so welcome to begin again. I have much to learn...so much! I told a friend in January that I felt behind, like my eyes were opened and all of a sudden I realized that the world had passed me by. I lost sight of my goals. Goals for my heart and soul that I need to return to attending to. That means no, I can't date. I'm not ready. I need to make sure that I have more time in nature, more time to feel my body and know what it can and can't do, more time to try new things and success or not, but most importantly more time to consider my boundaries, my morals, my beliefs and how I can be present in every situation while maintaining that integrity.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Inner Me
Since my complete let go of all those irrational feelings I've held onto, like stupid fears and insecurities...I've found the inner me. I have exciting news about inner me. Inner me is popular and exciting. I was always so afraid of groups and new people. I hated being judged and so I avoided situations that would allow others to judge me. Well, I've stopped caring about those things and I've let that fear go 110%. As a result, it seems that people who are good and fun, friendly and exciting are drawn to me. I have some really great new friends and today it was like the world was begging for tiny pieces of me. At one point, ten people called within the hour. People who just wanted to share their days, their joys, their frustrations...people who didn't actually want anything from me, other than my ear and my thoughts, my friends.
I've found that in allowing the inner me to shine and be what it is, I am happier and shockingly, people like me more. Who would have thought?
I've found that in allowing the inner me to shine and be what it is, I am happier and shockingly, people like me more. Who would have thought?
Monday, March 17, 2008
Perhaps I have self-esteem issues...perhaps not...
I have to confess that some how I seem to be dragging myself down without trying. It's rather comical actually.
I've been chatting with Dave. Yes, a dude named Dave (I skipped C but oh well). I had posted that I'm uncomfortable in underwear to which he replied in intrigue...I them professed that I wear none.
In a mildly different conversation, he was asking about my job. To which I replied that really I'm paid to smile and bat my eyes. It's a form of prostitution. He then replied with a comment that summed it up, me, the "none underwear wearing, prostitute."
Wow! HA! Aside from being rather hilarious, I must consider...do I have self esteem issues? HA! I think not, but perhaps...just perhaps this free wheelin' prostitute should think about getting some granny panties and a real job.
Hugs!
I've been chatting with Dave. Yes, a dude named Dave (I skipped C but oh well). I had posted that I'm uncomfortable in underwear to which he replied in intrigue...I them professed that I wear none.
In a mildly different conversation, he was asking about my job. To which I replied that really I'm paid to smile and bat my eyes. It's a form of prostitution. He then replied with a comment that summed it up, me, the "none underwear wearing, prostitute."
Wow! HA! Aside from being rather hilarious, I must consider...do I have self esteem issues? HA! I think not, but perhaps...just perhaps this free wheelin' prostitute should think about getting some granny panties and a real job.
Hugs!
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