My mind reels...I still feel very guilty and stupid over the whole incident. I keep beating myself up for several levels of the event. Definitely the obvious but also the acting stupid and the not being open in the end. I'm frustrated with myself since I still want to be with him in the way we've always been together - yet I know with CERTAINTY that I can't want that for myself. I'm better than this. So why do I want something that is so bad for me?

In an attempt to be destracted I went out for dinner with Fernando last night. It was strange to be sitting at a table across from him. I realized that the friendship we had six years ago is definitely long gone - he's not someone I really know any more. I also sat across from him thinking, I would way rather be having dinner with Brian. Brian is a mental equal to me in some ways (not all). He can carry a deep conversation with logic, knowledge and understanding. Where as Fernando is very superficial. I never really noticed that back when. I guess as we get older we realize new things and learn to leave behind the old and move onto the new.

Ultimately, I suppose my dinner with Fernando was not a distraction but rather a further realization of what I already know. That I have to move on. That I have accept the path that I'm on and I have to stand strong in making sure that I am getting the best things for me right now.