Filled with Memories and Emotions

It's 7:30pm and my bags are finally packed for Monterey. I'm sitting here at my computer in pjs with flip flops and wet hair crying. Crying a lot these days I suppose. I'm crying for a lot of reasons too. I'm crying because I want this trip to rekindle what I once had with my boyfriend - who at this moment isn't even sure he wants to go...but I'm crying more because this will probably be my last trip with my Grandma.
Every summer for as long as I can remember my grandparents would take me to the coast with them. We would spend the week sightseeing, eating out and watching the waves come in. Last year in Monterey we got the news that Grandma had cancer and we called our trip short. This year we're returning and going to make the most of it...yet it's harder this time because the cancer is so much more real. Grandma doesn't have hair anymore and although her spirits are high, she tires easily...I'm scared...very scared right now about making this trip the most I can.

Confusion Rains

I'm so confused right now that it's sending my emotions into a bit of whirl wind. I'm trying to stay focus and grounded and I'm doing okay but if I stop and think about life...I start to get scared.

I have a lot of stuff on my mind...friends, family, new friends, new dating interests, and a giant move. I know that it's God's will and I'm suppose to be doing this right now I just need to take a step back and make sure that I'm putting all my faith in him and letting him do what's right. When you try to take control yourself, things get all messed up.

It's just hard. I want to spend time with Elisha, Stacey and Nicole but they have a lot going on and I'm worried about leaving in eight days with little time with them. Then, there's my family who I haven't gone to Woodland to visit in a month, Yikes! Then there's Brad...which I don't know what I'm doing there since I barely know the guy and I have to take off. I hate to see him fade into the background. My apartment is nearly packed, I'm almost done...it's just a matter of moving everything now.

Desire in the Unconcious

Lacan believes that when you desire someone or something it really is representing something else, something deeper. What? I have a desire, a very unmet desire. For the life of me I can't figure out what it really has to do with and so...I ponder on it whenever I get the chance.
Do you have an unmet desire? Is it a person or a thing?
With 99% of the things I desire, I just go out and get them...the problem is that with this one desire, I can't. I guess that's why I want it so bad. It's that one thing that I can't will into being.
I'm sick to my stomach thinking about it. It's one of those things that makes you want to run around the block for hours and hours. It's one of those things that makes life seem unnatural until it's in place. It frustrates, it haunts, it is the ultimate in uncontrolable.

I'm getting ready to leave for Maine, I've started packing up my office. I'm getting rid of the stuff I don't need and figuring out just what items I want to take with me. Again I find myself asking the question...am I running?

I wish I had a sign. Just a little sign to tell me if forward is the right direction right now...if away is the right thing for me to ground in. Yes I'm scared, yes I'm embracing it...but that's beside the point...I'm seeking an answer that only one person can give me and being that the answer I am seeking is outside myself, I am stuck with an unsatisfied desire which I must find a way of getting rid of, of releasing.

My solution...for the time being...more yoga, more long walks with my dogs, more sitting in the sun and reading my books, more essays, more writing, more school, more friends, more family...more distractions...

Something Big is Brewing

Some of you may have gotten the emails by now and I'd like to start with a big "Thank you" for the work I know you'll put into your response. This is a rather big, terrifying move for me...and yet I don't think it has come as a surprise to any of my friends. My friends all know that I'm a bleeding heart.

I have to give! I hate to admit it but I feel entirely unfulfilled and empty if I'm not giving something of myself to someone or something else. This upcoming opportunity is important to me and I know it will help to shape me in ways I can't even begin to imagine. With each new venture in my life I am growing and learning and it is because of these ventures that I continue on this path.

I'm scared of course. I'm not one to seek out failure and really believe that if I put my heart and mind into something I can always come out ahead, but I also know that sometimes the battle isn't one you can win. I like to think that life isn't how Barnes' describes it when she says "he comes, he goes away, and everything goes on the same, except that people have something to talk about." I like to believe that although I may come and I may go away, I leave a piece of me in ever place I've been and every life I've encountered. I have an unimaginable number of pieces left to leave in the world and I'm excited to begin this venture. Again, thank you for all your help!