The Monthly Dumping

Dumped again...one month and three days to the date of the last one.
Do you ever wish that someone could literally see and feel things from your perspective? I've been through various things and I don't think I've ever really wanted that. Right now - I do. My boyfriend is mad at me for something I didn't do. If I could just pull up deleted texts I could prove it. If I could just cave and call Beth I would...and yet...I feel like it wouldn't matter. He's made up his mind and he needs to do his monthly thing. I just wish he could see things from my eyes, I wish he could feel my love for him, my pain when he does this each time and the way that I feel in the middle of the month when I'm just waiting for this to happen again and again. I keep giving my heart and waiting to be hurt...yet each time he breaks it, I have to wonder if it grows a little smaller.
As I do, I called Brian to see what he thinks I should do. Of course his first response when I said that my boyfriend was upset because he thought I texted Brandon was "How com I'm ok but not the other?" So Brian! Then he said "Of course he's throwing a fit. Guys do that when it comes to exes." When I asked if I should just cave and call Beth, he said that I need to really think about it. Yes it's not a good thing to cave but..."As a friend I'm saying you can be very difficult." Lol! I know that and Brian's brutal honesty with me is always very refreshing. He tells it like it is. I need that sometimes. Although the only that Brian really made me aware of was the fact that I'm being to idealistic if I really expect my boyfriend to trust me. Apparently, guys just don't do that.
The worst part is that I completely trust Steve. He could go out to dinner with an ex and so long as he told me what was up and came home to me afterwards I could deal with it. I don't think I've ever felt this type of trust before but this is the first relationship I've been in since my diagnosis and since I've started really working at being health and only being in healthy relationships. Is it true that they say only cheaters get worried that you're cheating?? I sure hope not because I'm putting my 100% into believing that Steve is faithful and I refuse to let that be shaken unless he says so out of his own mouth.

Filled with Memories and Emotions

It's 7:30pm and my bags are finally packed for Monterey. I'm sitting here at my computer in pjs with flip flops and wet hair crying. Crying a lot these days I suppose. I'm crying for a lot of reasons too. I'm crying because I want this trip to rekindle what I once had with my boyfriend - who at this moment isn't even sure he wants to go...but I'm crying more because this will probably be my last trip with my Grandma.
Every summer for as long as I can remember my grandparents would take me to the coast with them. We would spend the week sightseeing, eating out and watching the waves come in. Last year in Monterey we got the news that Grandma had cancer and we called our trip short. This year we're returning and going to make the most of it...yet it's harder this time because the cancer is so much more real. Grandma doesn't have hair anymore and although her spirits are high, she tires easily...I'm scared...very scared right now about making this trip the most I can.

Fairytale

I met the love of my life once...and he was tall and handsome. He flew in on his poly bag and swept me off my feet. And we lived happily ever after.

Or I could be realistic and say that I met the love of my life once and it turned out he was really the ugly witch in disguise. As you know, I've been dating and it's been intense and amazing. But for the last week or so, that amazing-ness went away. He became cold and edgy. Although his body was physically there and I felt safe and happy in his arms, the passionate love that I once felt wasn't from his body - it was from his mind and his heart. So although I fought to think that I had what I wanted for the last week...I finally came to decide today that things weren't going to change and that the body snatchers had actually snatched the body of my beloved. It's ironic the intense sci-fi episode that occurred but I'm sure I'm not the only girl who's worn these shoes.

To be more plan - the guy I fell for quit listening and communicating effectively. He shut off his heart and his mind. My guy, that guy who made me feel warm and fuzzy, would appear in short waves each day to remind me of all I want and deserve and yet...ever night, the monster would come out again and I'd find myself with him physically but so emotionally alone. It just happened that today I cracked, I wanted a hug, I wanted to tell my day and hear his, I wanted to share all the moments we missed out on with each other...but I once again - found myself alone and I cracked.

Yes, I'm one step closer to happily ever after, but it sure hurts to know that in some shape and form I had the love of my life...even if only for a few days.

Lindy's Landing

Spent the weekend on a road trip. Went to Lindy's Landing on the Kings River last night. I'm a bit hungover from the experience. It was a good time. Staci and I met up with some strangers and sat around a campfire til way past my bed time. All the while, my boyfriend was hanging out with his ex. It wouldn't be a big deal but he has a way of saying things and doing things that hurt far more than they should. Originally last night he said he had told her that if she wanted to talk they could do it over the phone. Then about a half hour later he tells me he's meeting up with her. It's like he makes me feel so happy and proud to be with him and then he does a total 180 and leaves me feeling completely sunk.

I feel so stuck with him. Not stuck like I don't wanna be with him, but stuck like I can't feel things correctly with him, like he won't let me. Every time I start to think that this is it...the last guy I'll ever date and the guy I'll get my happily ever after with - he throws me under the train tracks. I wish I could say that it doesn't hurt, but it does. We've been together for just over three months and he's dumped me three times. How is it that I'm able to feel anything for someone who has no regard for me and can walk in and out of my life so easily? It's so frustrating because I want to be with him so badly and yet I'm not happy committing to someone who can't keep their feet on the ground. I need a rock, I need someone who loves me and is so firm in their feelings that no matter what I do or say they continue to feel that way. I don't need someone who doesn't tell me that they love me simply because I haven't said it to them. I need someone who knows their own feelings regardless of mine and is strong enough to stand by them.

I know that I get a little closer to that wonderful carriage ride into the sunset ever time I find someone new but...what happens when you want it but the other person can't give you that?

Moving Forward

Steve and I are good - growing a lot individually and together.
Grandma started chemo again and although her first week was rough, this week went well. Tonight during a telephone conversation Grandma commented on Farrah Faucett's death. Farrah had cancer and Grandma said "I'm glad [she's gone]. She's in a better place and she suffered for so long." I needed to hear that! I needed to know that she's ok with whatever lies ahead, that cancer doesn't have to be about surviving but about trying to live the best quality of life you can for as long as you can.

Accessing the Self

We're dating again but he's still very insecure and we fight a lot over that. I'm not sure I'm ready to be in a relationship. I'm not sure if I'm ready to commit to this unknown thing. Especially when the unknown seems to be so scared.

Understanding My Needs

I'm finally figuring out what I want in a relationship. I want an equal, good listening, kind hearted, caring, affectionate, understanding man.
Someone who will not push me but who will meet me at the line when I push.
He dumped me today. It seemed like every weekend he'd pull back from me and pick a fight. He realized that he couldn't guarantee that it would get better and...I'm finally ok with holding firm on my needs.