A Rush

WOW! WOW! WOW! I had a meetup today for Pomeranians and as I was leaving the site I saw the ex (Brian) with another girl. WOW! At first my heart raced, my stomach attempted to empty and I felt entirely dizzy all over. Then it went away and I realized that I wasn't even hurt by it. I was shocked, yes...a little amazed perhaps...but okay.

I guess I feel okay because even looking at him with someone else I didn't see him. He wasn't the person I remember him being at all and I was reminded of what our relationship was not. I was reminded that everything about our time together wasn't real. Our every moment wasn't what I thought it was. It was odd...it was like staring at your own life from the outside.

Bits of the rush are still with me, like that feeling of utter nausea, of wanting to vomit and wanting to take form in the fetal position and just close your eyes.

Elisha once told me, what you need to realize is that when he dumped you, it really had nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. She said "it would have happened no matter who he was with." She's right and I think because I understand this, it has made me able to see him with someone else and to think - I hope he's happy. I hope he doesn't treat her the same as he did me.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
On a different note, I'm about to head out to my next event for the day and I'm excited! I'll let you know how it goes. Before I get there I need to find a shoe store and buy some black flats though...my outfit for my last event of the evening requires them!

Random Thoughts

Don't feel obligated to follow...
I was told "When we pray, we ask for something. When we meditate, we listen for the answer." Perhaps this is why Yoga feels so good. I'm listening, I know there is energy out there trying to come to me, I just have to find stillness and wait for it.

I think the friendship that Brandon and I have formed is based on crazy misconceptions we both have of each other. How did we get to that place? How is that individuals always get to that place with me? Is it that I'm sending off something that is inaccurate and if so, how do I start to undo that?

Fernando called today, strange timing. I didn't get to chat with him - I was at work, but it's always interesting when we feel the need to call each other. It's a bond that we both have to each other that is deeper than we understand.

I'm trying to learn to listen to my gut again. I haven't done that in a long time. My gut scares me, it doesn't always send me the signal that my heart or head wants and I need to really start focusing and accepting that maybe my gut is right.

I love...I love...I love...maybe I need to stop loving so much. I put a lot of faith in those around me and sometimes they don't really deserve that. I need to start figuring out a way to tell who I can and can't trust and I need to start understanding that how I love isn't the same as how others love. I'm rare in that I truly believe in unconditional love, something that MANY others don't. I really believe that if I love you now, I will love you later - regardless of the bad things you do. I may not like you, but I'll always love you. This is ok - but it's something that I need to really take into consideration when I begin to give myself to others.