That Famous Word: Integrity

I've been told time and time again that I have great integrity...at first I didn't understand much about this word, of course I looked it up...and I decided that I still don't think I really understand it.

Right now, I'm struggling with integrity in dating. What is my personal moral feeling when dating? What do I consider acceptable and not (both for myself and the other party)?

I've been "dating" (mind you I hate dating so I'm not really calling it that) this individual who officially makes me feel sick to my stomach over myself. I know that I'm not whole and I'm working very hard to establish a sense of completeness in my life. I'm learning what it means to grow spiritually and to find balance. This individual exhibited EXTREME integrity last night. To which...I can only question my own. Do I have any integrity in dating? Is that why I hate dating? How or where do I begin to examine this within myself? It's a very large concept for me and I'm not sure what I truly believe to be right/moral. I guess that actual question is where do I start to look for answers and understanding when it comes to integrity in dating? I suppose Border's Book store is fine place...the more I read about how others feel, the more I can find myself either agreeing or disagreeing and coming to my own conclusions. I certainly need a conclusion right now as I feel like a terrible person not having any integrity in this area. I've dated far too long without it!

Let The Poison Begin!

Today was the start of chemotherapy for my grandma. I made sure that I was able to go and meet with the doctors. Everything was fine until my grandma sat down in the chemo chair...then she started to cry and it was all over. Once she started to cry, my grandpa started to cry, then me, then my aunt...it was a total chain effect. I completely understand, she's scared - the situation is scary!
The doctor hasn't put any of us at ease either. They don't know where the cancer started so they're going to treat her like she has lung cancer. As we're told "it's extremely rare" to not find a place of origin...yet...here we are...
We're all hoping and praying and I suppose that's all we can do. Grandma is a fighter and deep within me, I know that it's all up to her. If she wants to fight this she can, if she truly doesn't think she can - then...the show is over.

Books

I saw the best episode of "Three and a Half Men" today. I've complained about this to Cinnamon before and to know that someone else thinks this way too...rocks! I hate going to work sometimes because I work in the library. When I walk in and I see five stories of books I get REALLY frustrated. I'll never be able to read all of them. I'll be lucky to read one floor. I could read as fast as I possibly could, as often as I possibly could and I'd never accomplish the isles. On "Three and a Half Men" the dopey brother was standing in a book store crying over the fact that he would never be able to catch up, there were just too many books to read...he starts grabbing them off the shelf and screaming at them...it was classic!! That's entirely how I feel with books!

Together

I'm just not together enough for dating yet. I got asked out again in the hallway today and all I could think was "NO WAY." I'm not in a position to date. I'm not sane enough yet. I have so much to learn about myself that devoting time and energy to forming a relationship to the best of my ability...well...isn't the best of my ability.
Instead, I'd like to focus on self growth, learning how to advance my spirit, figuring out what thigns in life really make me happy and enjoying those things without worry about other.

The Standard

We all have these internal standards that have been set. The question really is, where did that standard come from and who is responsible for setting that standard? Today, I learned that "I set the standard." No one else is responsible for deciding what is "good enough" for me. In the past, I've always allowed the standard to be what I've been told I'm able to achieve. However...that's just not the case. That idea of go out there and do the best you can. Well...that comes from within as well. You'll try the best you can for that day or that moment or project and that then becomes the standard you have for yourself. So, in the morning now when I wake up, I'm going to look in the mirror and remind myself that "I set the standard."

Sick Again

Sometimes my illness knocks me on my butt, yesterday was one of those days. I think I was awake for two hours total. I'm exhausted today as well, but as the story goes, I refuse to stay in bed. I'm going to get up and do stuff! I was suppose to go out rafting today and I really really want to, but I know that I simply can't. So, I'll drive to Woodland and visit my family. Bad days are far and few between but when they come through, they come through strong and they completely kick my butt.

Spinning

Minds spin. You know that stream of thinking that goes on in your head, that's spinning. Some people spin slowly, some faster and yet...some too fast. I use to spin too fast and now I'm right where it should be. However, I have this strange fear of the spinning since it use to be so out of control. Now when the spinning starts I pay more attention to it. For example, I was driving in my car today and I started thinking about last night. I had an awesome night. Felix and I went out and did...all sorts of stuff! It was rather adventure packed. Then I found myself in my car again and I noticed that the spinning was going, I can go with it or I can stop it...which one is really best? Should I even notice that spinning this much?
I think in the end I'm learning that my body is finally on level ground and my mind is there now too, which means that the spinning isn't a bad thing - it's a great thing and I have to let that happen.

Issues

I have issues...hehehehe...

First issue, I'm on the job market again. I have a hard time settling for anything less than perfection and this would be that sort of situation. I want a place where I go to work every morning excited to be there. Excited over the events of the day and feeling confident that I'm making a difference.

Second issue, I have a problem dating. A big problem. I fall head over heels for an individuals personality but just can't bring myself to be physically attracted to them...does this happen to anyone else? It results in me cycling back to the same set of two guys who I am actually attracted to, over and over, over and over...and eventually having to cut off my "friendships" with the others because I get to the point where I can't even look at them. WTF?

Third issue, caring. I just don't give a rats about most male "friends" (you know, the playboy bunny type). I can't bring myself to put in the effort. I seem to only be able to stick with the "fun while it lasts" mentality and that drives them running fast...but I'm okay with it...I'm not sure I should be...hahahah. Shouldn't I want a long term relationship? Shouldn't I want something more? If so, then what the heck...

Fourth, trust. The typical topic that people like to discuss about me. I have trust issues. I know that. I don't know why, I'm getting better...but I can't trust people easily. I guess I have no reason to trust someone until proven otherwise. Does that even make sense? I guess that could be why I'm good at these quick little attempts at multiple relationships at once...but the commitement thing...I haven't done that in eight months now and I'm not even interested in doing it again. Again...shouldn't I be?

I guess the actual underlying issue is that I don't care enough about things I should...hahahaha!

Chemo and Jobs

Grandma went to see the Chemo nurse and oncologist today. Apparently, they haven't found an origin for the cancer, which means maybe that spot on her chest is it. So, no chemo yet -but she'll start radiation 5 days a week asap. With any luck this will go fast and be painless. GOOD!

Working is rough, rough, rough...

Community

I have some of the coolest people in my life. My roomie Pam, my buddy Nicole and I went to the art walk yesterday. It was amazing!! On the way there we noticed some people playing bongo drums and singing reggae in front of this house. We were like "dang, sure looks like a group we should party with..." just happens I knew one of them and within minutes WE WERE partying with them. How awesome!! We did the walk and went back to the house for a street party with a DJ. It was pretty rockin'. Pam was a bit on the sick side so we called it quits early that night...but it was a total blast!!
Oh did I mention that I'm talking to boys again. Ha! Yeah, not dating, I'm not in a dating spot with things right now...but talking. It's fun. One guy is totally awesome and I agree with the way he identified with the world, time and space...the other one...well...it's odd because he's entirely not good for me, yet...he gets me. Like the words I'm saying, he understands. Isn't that strange?? I don't know if I've ever met a guy who actually took the words I said and...got it.