Bummer

Well, I lost my best friend today, although it has been a long time coming. Brian has been a great friend to me. He's always been a listening ear, he's always been very smart and filled with wonderful insight...yet...he never saw me and I struggled with this for a long time. When we dated I complained about this to Alena and we had long chats about what I could do differently. When we started being friends, I just figured...oh well...I've tried as hard as I can and there's no point in throwing more effort into it. Brian insists that I only see the bad in people. He thinks that I'm full of negative energy. Yet I was the only friend of his who bothered to contact him on his birthday - even though he didn't do the same for me. Negative? Ha! I have to laugh at that of course. I have to stop and think of Cinnamon and how she's told me time and again how people see in others the things they don't like in themselves. It would have bothered me that he said this but being that no one else in my life has ever said this...and when I mentioned it to a few friends and family members they laughed...I have to take it like a grain of salt.
My mother and I recently talked about Brian (last week) and how he probably wasn't going to be in my life much longer. It's been time (whether I wanted it to be or not) that Brian got out of his comfort zone and stopped spending time with me. I would always keep the door open for Brian as he's been my best friend, but at my mother and I chatted and...it was time that Brian found new friends, hobbies and grand ventures. I will say that in his finding these new ventures - I am so proud of him! He started taking classes at a local college, he told me he didn't want to hang out with me but rather some other friends, and he started doing...things. Things he could share and talk about with me that didn't actually have to involve me. Things that weren't work related or work centered. In this he became a real friend to me, he stopped being clingy Brian who would have his feelings hurt when I had other plans and couldn't hang out with him, and he started being Brian again - the guy I first met.

I've lost friends before and I always say that friends come and go, that's the way the world works. They come into your life to show you something and they leave when that's completed. To this I would like to add that Brian has taught me a lot. He changed my life. Without him I never would have started my dog rescue which became something so much bigger and better than I ever could have expected. I never would have saved so many lives. I never would have moved into a little ghetto apartment and then into a real home. I never would have had a wake up call that made me get out into the world and start experiencing things - like climbing, yoga, rafting, snowboarding...if it wasn't for him. I'd probably still be living in my little apartment on Watt with my dog, watching TV alone at night after cooking exotic meals and working crazy hours. Perhaps the most important thing that Brian taught me was that the towels don't have to be perfect, this has become a metaphor for my life and so much more.

It's sad to lose a friend, especially a best friend, but because of Brian, I am taking something away from this friendship that I have never had before. For that, I am supremely grateful.

Somewhat Expected Drama

My brother has never had his life in good shape but sometimes he makes really stupid decision that just continue to drag him further down.
Consider this - my brother has been fired from at least three jobs, including a position at Wal-Mart. My brother has been evicted from two apartments. My brother had four unexpected children with his wife.
When Kevin and his wife split up about a year ago, things started to spin in some strange directions. First, Kevin lost his apartment because it was a one bedroom and five people (himself and his four kids) couldn't live there. So he moved in with my Grandma. She kindly allowed him to live in her house with his small mob of children, rent free and she provided free babysitting. My Grandmother didn't like the way that his new girlfriend treated the kids like her own so she asked that she not come over any more...needless to say, the drama started.
The new girlfriend then began to harass my mother via email. My mom stayed polite and figured it would pass...it didn't.
Well yesterday the new girlfriend yelled at my Grandma via telephone so my Grandma finally had enough and told my brother he was no long welcome to live at her house, his kids were welcome to stay - but he was not.
My mother is having a hard time as a result. She believes that the new girlfriend is trying to alienate my brother from the family that she she will no longer get to see the kids. She's terribly upset over the whole thing. I spent yesterday with her, letting her cry and tell me how she was feeling. It was hard to listen to but at the same time, my brother has to grow up.
My mother has said that she too is no longer going to give to my brother. This means that she is not going to pay his car payment, his car insurance and she is no longer going to take his kids to and from school. Kevin and his new girlfriend are going to have to figure it out on their own. She wants them to understand everything that people around them are doing for them out of the goodness of their hearts. Kevin seems to think that the stuff they are doing for him are things that he is entitled to. My mom is worried about the kids of course, as am I. Skyler loves her more than anyone in his life. He's made that clear. She's been the only stable person he has and she's provided him with so much...yet...in order to hopefully help my brother long term, she must step back and deal with the pain for...what I hope will only be a little while.

Energy

Once again I will stress the power of the energy you put into the world. I have been sitting next to an individual at work for nearly a month now and every day this individual is upset and frustrated at something. Her energy radiates over to my desk on a constant basis. She may not realize it but the negative energy she puts off makes me angry in return. I get frustrated with her easily and don't feel like pursuing communication with her. This only reminds me more and more of the fact that I need to be constantly aware of my own energy.

WTF am I thinking!

I can't get Brandon out of my head today. I keep thinking of him and just can't shake it! What is wrong with me. He's terrible for me! Horrible! And yet, it's strange how much I miss him when he's not around. He's definitely kryptonite.
I had made the decision some time ago that I wasn't going to play his game any more but it just isn't working. Sure I deleted his number and haven't talked to him since but every day that goes by, the gravitational pull gets just a little stronger. Am I in love? I mean, I know I am in a way, but it is the right way or the way that only hurts you?
I was so excited when I figured out how much I truly cared for him and couldn't wait to express it...but I never got the chance because he shot me down - hard and fast. Do I move on or do I keep attempting, and if I keep attempting...for how long?

The Hearing

I had my EDD hearing today. I was so scared. I took a Klonopin before going because I though I might loooooose my mind. I did great, I'm so proud! I didn't cry and I didn't throw up. I kept my cool and made my case clear.
When I got there I though I was gonna melt. Strangely, a complete stranger caught my eye. I sat down next to her and told her how scared I was. She helped me so much. I wish I knew who she was so I could thank her. She made a huge difference on my day. It's amazing how someone you don't know can enter your life for only a few brief seconds and change the entire course of your day.

Pray For Me

Start praying now, please. Tomorrow I have my hearing at the EDD department with April. I'm terrified. I can't imagine standing in a room with her again. It's strange but I feel scared of her, scared...how is that possible as an adult to be scared of another individual?
I'm praying that good will concur. I know that my heart is good and hers is not so all I have to do is pray. Please please pray for me. Pray that I'll have strength enough to stand there tall and strong without crying. Pray that the outcome will be good. Pray!