God in Pieces

We all have this time piece of ourselves that is bridged with God. This time piece of life that knows what's right, what's wrong and what's needed to make us who we are. I had a reminded over the last week of just how real this piece of God is. I'm amazed at the ways that he shows through and left breathless when I think about it.
How is it that we can all go around day after day like we do and then all of sudden, that little connection within us comes out? I have always been very aware of the God within me; however, I've never realized the God that exists in others. It's as if people are the pieces to a puzzle that as a whole makes up God.

Moments of Fullness

I feel such love for Steve that I have to stand back and look at how far I've come. I've never made an effort. He's the first guy who has come into my life where I feel that making an effort is worth it. Although, 90% of the time there isn't an effort required. I wish that he could see himself through my eyes for a minute, just a short amount of time. He's such a warm and loving person that I feel lucky to have him in my life. I don't know anyone like him. He's a million things I can't describe. I know that he is always afraid of losing me. Whether it be to someone else or to nothing at all. What he doesn't realize is that he's the only one who could lose me...I'm not going anywhere so long as he's Steve.

A Journey

Life is a journey, that's for sure. I have learned so much thus far and it's scary and exciting to think of all the things I will learn moving forward.



Steve is gone for five days and although I'm happy for him and exciting that he's getting this time for himself...I miss him. I have never loved anyone as much as I love him. He is this amazing guy. Sure he makes his mistakes but I'm not easy to deal with and he tolerates the good and bad in me. I have never felt the need to be so loyal in my life. I've always had people who come and go and aren't really committeed to me. Now I've got Steve and he's as devoted to me as I am to him. Yes we both have our insecurities as we're both damaged goods...but at least we're in the compost pile together.

Another Fit

The monthly fit has starting to feel normal. He threw his fit yesterday, almost right on schedule...and instead of taking it to heart and feeling like shit - I've given up. He needs drama in his life. I get that. He hasn't learned how to live in the moment - he can't just accept the life that he has. I guess that comes from a lot of different places - low self-esteem, scary past and scary future. Rather than sucking it up, getting the help he needs and learning that living in the present isn't all that bad - he continues with this monthly circle.

He needs help. I love him and I want to support him but I can't help him in the ways that he needs. I'm having a hard time even making the effort with him anymore. How can I take anything he gets upset about seriously when I know that he wont deal with the real issues? He needs to deal with his past - his family issues (which he has created since his family really doesn't hate him like he thinks), his military experiences (which he seems to pretend never happened and yet holds extreme emotions - which only come out when you mention certain things), and his self-esteem issues (which I think will heal themselves if he fixes the other areas of his life). He depends on me to create his own image and that's just not healthy.

Since he's started this fit I've realized that I can use these monthly moments to catch up on the things I give up during the remainder of the month for him. I called up the friends who's phone calls I hadn't returned. I set up a dinner date with a gal pal I haven't had enough time for. I finished a good book.

Pinch Me

Yes work may suck but Steve is amazing.

Last night after a long day of fighting people I came home to rose petals, candles, a great meal and a bubble bath. What girl could ask for more? It was this totally enchanting thing - something you'd see on a movie. I wish I could write more and describe it but it was simply wordless and breath taking. If anything - I'm spoiled!

Single for Life?

I've always thought I was meant to be single. Not because I'm destined to be alone or anything of the sort - but because I'm okay with being single and being in a relationship just seems to be...well...________(insert proper description here).
If I was ever meant to spend the rest of life with someone, it would be Steve. He's truly the prince charming I've always wanted. But...there are downsides too and I just can't deal with those. For example, he doesn't trust me...at all!!! I've never been more in love, loyal or happy with someone and yet at every turn I'm being asked "where were you at lunch?," "who texted you?" and all those lovely controlling questions that get you no where but isolated - and that's exactly what I feel with him now. I don't feel like I'm in a relationship - I feel like I'm in a battle. I'm battling for him to see me for me, accept what I'm telling him and trust me. As we all know...I don't battle well and thus...I'm destined to be single.

Ghost of Boyfriends Past

Have you ever been cheated on? For the last seven years I believed whole heartedly that I had been. When it had first happened, I was devistated and felt like the world had ended. Eventually, Fernando and I agreed that we could move past it. The thing was, I couldn't. I continued to internally hate him for what I thought he had done to me. I ruined us slowly, as a way of hating him and as a way of hating myself for what had happened.
Back to modern day. My boyfriend was texting his ex and when I asked about it...he lied. Why? Why do you think? The situation screams cheater. But...the issue isn't him. The issue is me and that fact that I absolutely can't deal with lying.
I have worked very hard on my overall health and feeling healthy from the inside out. Although I've always know that the Fernando situation had taken a very big toll on my ability to trust whole-hearted. I thought I was making great steps towards building a relationships that was honest, strong and healthy. After this little incident I realized that I have a lot of personal healing left to do. A little lie (as I keep telling myself it was...and it may very well have been), has brought up some very tough and old scars that although I don't want to deal with...I know that I am finally at a point in my life that I am ready to deal with them.
Oh, and I did I mention that Fernando never actually cheated on me.

Gastroparesis and Welchol

I started taking Welchol for elevated cholesterol and I've surprised to say that it's actually relieved some of the symptoms I've suffered from the gastroparesis. Thus far, I'm not as nauseous and my bowels are actually working like a normal persons. Although it's not prescribed for gastroparesis - I'm thinking maybe some studies should be done. It's been great!

Un-Cheated

I got un-cheated today...complicated and yet not. I received my final pay check from my old employer and they actually didn't cheat me!!! I'm shocked!!! Thus, for this single time. I have been un-cheated.

On another note, Stacey came over today cause she was in the neighborhood and we have a great little girl chat. I forgot how much I enjoy just spending time with my gal pals and gossiping about random bull.

Is there something about me that sends out streaming lights that flash "My boyfriend hates me" when Steve and I are fighting? The only reason I ask is because every time Steve starts pushing me away, boy start coming a knocking...perhaps it's pheromones? The pheromones that make my boyfriend hate me are the same ones that make other guys like me?

The Monthly Dumping

Dumped again...one month and three days to the date of the last one.
Do you ever wish that someone could literally see and feel things from your perspective? I've been through various things and I don't think I've ever really wanted that. Right now - I do. My boyfriend is mad at me for something I didn't do. If I could just pull up deleted texts I could prove it. If I could just cave and call Beth I would...and yet...I feel like it wouldn't matter. He's made up his mind and he needs to do his monthly thing. I just wish he could see things from my eyes, I wish he could feel my love for him, my pain when he does this each time and the way that I feel in the middle of the month when I'm just waiting for this to happen again and again. I keep giving my heart and waiting to be hurt...yet each time he breaks it, I have to wonder if it grows a little smaller.
As I do, I called Brian to see what he thinks I should do. Of course his first response when I said that my boyfriend was upset because he thought I texted Brandon was "How com I'm ok but not the other?" So Brian! Then he said "Of course he's throwing a fit. Guys do that when it comes to exes." When I asked if I should just cave and call Beth, he said that I need to really think about it. Yes it's not a good thing to cave but..."As a friend I'm saying you can be very difficult." Lol! I know that and Brian's brutal honesty with me is always very refreshing. He tells it like it is. I need that sometimes. Although the only that Brian really made me aware of was the fact that I'm being to idealistic if I really expect my boyfriend to trust me. Apparently, guys just don't do that.
The worst part is that I completely trust Steve. He could go out to dinner with an ex and so long as he told me what was up and came home to me afterwards I could deal with it. I don't think I've ever felt this type of trust before but this is the first relationship I've been in since my diagnosis and since I've started really working at being health and only being in healthy relationships. Is it true that they say only cheaters get worried that you're cheating?? I sure hope not because I'm putting my 100% into believing that Steve is faithful and I refuse to let that be shaken unless he says so out of his own mouth.

Filled with Memories and Emotions

It's 7:30pm and my bags are finally packed for Monterey. I'm sitting here at my computer in pjs with flip flops and wet hair crying. Crying a lot these days I suppose. I'm crying for a lot of reasons too. I'm crying because I want this trip to rekindle what I once had with my boyfriend - who at this moment isn't even sure he wants to go...but I'm crying more because this will probably be my last trip with my Grandma.
Every summer for as long as I can remember my grandparents would take me to the coast with them. We would spend the week sightseeing, eating out and watching the waves come in. Last year in Monterey we got the news that Grandma had cancer and we called our trip short. This year we're returning and going to make the most of it...yet it's harder this time because the cancer is so much more real. Grandma doesn't have hair anymore and although her spirits are high, she tires easily...I'm scared...very scared right now about making this trip the most I can.

Fairytale

I met the love of my life once...and he was tall and handsome. He flew in on his poly bag and swept me off my feet. And we lived happily ever after.

Or I could be realistic and say that I met the love of my life once and it turned out he was really the ugly witch in disguise. As you know, I've been dating and it's been intense and amazing. But for the last week or so, that amazing-ness went away. He became cold and edgy. Although his body was physically there and I felt safe and happy in his arms, the passionate love that I once felt wasn't from his body - it was from his mind and his heart. So although I fought to think that I had what I wanted for the last week...I finally came to decide today that things weren't going to change and that the body snatchers had actually snatched the body of my beloved. It's ironic the intense sci-fi episode that occurred but I'm sure I'm not the only girl who's worn these shoes.

To be more plan - the guy I fell for quit listening and communicating effectively. He shut off his heart and his mind. My guy, that guy who made me feel warm and fuzzy, would appear in short waves each day to remind me of all I want and deserve and yet...ever night, the monster would come out again and I'd find myself with him physically but so emotionally alone. It just happened that today I cracked, I wanted a hug, I wanted to tell my day and hear his, I wanted to share all the moments we missed out on with each other...but I once again - found myself alone and I cracked.

Yes, I'm one step closer to happily ever after, but it sure hurts to know that in some shape and form I had the love of my life...even if only for a few days.

Lindy's Landing

Spent the weekend on a road trip. Went to Lindy's Landing on the Kings River last night. I'm a bit hungover from the experience. It was a good time. Staci and I met up with some strangers and sat around a campfire til way past my bed time. All the while, my boyfriend was hanging out with his ex. It wouldn't be a big deal but he has a way of saying things and doing things that hurt far more than they should. Originally last night he said he had told her that if she wanted to talk they could do it over the phone. Then about a half hour later he tells me he's meeting up with her. It's like he makes me feel so happy and proud to be with him and then he does a total 180 and leaves me feeling completely sunk.

I feel so stuck with him. Not stuck like I don't wanna be with him, but stuck like I can't feel things correctly with him, like he won't let me. Every time I start to think that this is it...the last guy I'll ever date and the guy I'll get my happily ever after with - he throws me under the train tracks. I wish I could say that it doesn't hurt, but it does. We've been together for just over three months and he's dumped me three times. How is it that I'm able to feel anything for someone who has no regard for me and can walk in and out of my life so easily? It's so frustrating because I want to be with him so badly and yet I'm not happy committing to someone who can't keep their feet on the ground. I need a rock, I need someone who loves me and is so firm in their feelings that no matter what I do or say they continue to feel that way. I don't need someone who doesn't tell me that they love me simply because I haven't said it to them. I need someone who knows their own feelings regardless of mine and is strong enough to stand by them.

I know that I get a little closer to that wonderful carriage ride into the sunset ever time I find someone new but...what happens when you want it but the other person can't give you that?

Moving Forward

Steve and I are good - growing a lot individually and together.
Grandma started chemo again and although her first week was rough, this week went well. Tonight during a telephone conversation Grandma commented on Farrah Faucett's death. Farrah had cancer and Grandma said "I'm glad [she's gone]. She's in a better place and she suffered for so long." I needed to hear that! I needed to know that she's ok with whatever lies ahead, that cancer doesn't have to be about surviving but about trying to live the best quality of life you can for as long as you can.

Accessing the Self

We're dating again but he's still very insecure and we fight a lot over that. I'm not sure I'm ready to be in a relationship. I'm not sure if I'm ready to commit to this unknown thing. Especially when the unknown seems to be so scared.

Understanding My Needs

I'm finally figuring out what I want in a relationship. I want an equal, good listening, kind hearted, caring, affectionate, understanding man.
Someone who will not push me but who will meet me at the line when I push.
He dumped me today. It seemed like every weekend he'd pull back from me and pick a fight. He realized that he couldn't guarantee that it would get better and...I'm finally ok with holding firm on my needs.

Unexpected and Unwanted

*(&! (*&! (*&! He's so wonderful. We went out last night and I drank WAY too much, ended up puking in the street. He stayed with me all night and even wanted to kiss me in the morning. SO I'm just getting into bed and who texts me? ---Brandon! My life is @&#(ed up! Brandon is being replaced and that's scary for me.

Adjusting to Reality

I realized that I needed to suck it up. I shouldn't be with my guy every minute, it's not normal. So, I told him today how I felt - how when I don't see him often I get frustrated. He was extremely receptive. It sure was nice to finally have someone I'm with acknowledge my feelings! I'm scared, am I really ready to try this again?

Enough

I'm dating someone new. He gives me a billion compliments and I like that. We've only been dating for less than a week but I feel like it's not enough. Is it taht I don't think he's enough or that I just want to rush trhough this phase into one that's more fulfulling? I'm getting frustrated because I can't figure it out - and of course when I'm upset I take it out on the dude. I'm sure he'll run soon - no one is ever strong enough to help me figure this out.