So, he wrote me this letter explaining why he dumped me and for some reason I really feel the need to review and analyze it...comment and such. So....below is his letter and my comments in blue:


For me things were going well with us in the beginning, but any feelings and trust began to erode over time with you as you began to show other sides of yourself that I did not like. Behavior that made me feel manipulated, smothered, and just plain irritated. I don't feel like I am walking away from something great with you. I feel like I am escaping from a big mistake. I do not want to get more seriously involved with someone who has such a poor perception of themselves that they can't see how and why they are smothering their boyfriend and driving him nuts. (I think this is a personal fear he has of getting stuck.) All the things you listed in your letter: the climbing thing, the flubbed attempt you made to make me feel better, the accusing you of being spiteful. Though I may have mentioned them to you as examples of things that have bothered me, and though they may have been misunderstandings on my part, these are nothing issues in the grand scheme of why I don't want to be with you anymore. You didn't mention or address in your letter any one of the REAL issues (because you never bothered to bring them up to me in an open and honest conversation) that I tried to make you realize over the phone (on three different phone conversations). (conversations which actually didn't address those issues) Here's a recap in case you forgot or simply chose not to remember when you wrote your letter: 1. 2 months ago it took me an entire hour to help you realize that it was wrong of you to dictate whom I should and should not be able to have in my own home (The Brie thing). (This isn't true. I told you up front, I knew my feelings were invalid I just needed some time to process my feelings.) You did not want me to have any single female friends over (again - wrong...I didn't want this specific individual to your home) if it was just going to be me alone with them in the house. It took an HOUR to make you look past your own jealous and paranoid feelings and see that you were disrespecting me with this request. Can't you see how incredibly self-centered this is, to be so focused on your own emotions that you completely disregard others? (I wasn't disregarding yours I was just expressing mine, which you apparently have chosen to ignore after an HOUR long conversation.) Let me be clear on this: this is not a "problem with your jealousy" issue. Everyone gets jealous, including myself (though you self-admittedly used Xyz twice to make me jealous, which is a terrible thing to do to your boyfriend when you get in a tiff with him, considering that your boyfriend knows that you have been fucking this guy on and off for a long time). (Again, really in accurate. I wasn't using him to make you jealous, I was using him to help me realize if I was in the right or wrong on my feelings regarding various issues. I had to do this since every time I brought my feelings up to you, you got defensive and made it out like it was an issue I was completely out of line to bring up). I digress: I didn't have a problem with your jealousy in this incident. Yes, eventually you realized that it was wrong of you to expect me to limit who I could have over my own house. But what bothered me was that it took an HOUR of debate and conflict on the phone to help you see that. (No, again, I knew this from the beginning - the conversation was an attempt to find a compromise since we were suppose to be working as a couple.) It was that self-centered attitude that I have a real problem with, not jealousy. Either you are incredibly stubborn, or you are so wrapped up in your own hurt and jealousy that you can't see that you are disrespecting someone with unfair and foolish demands. (I don't think this was disrespect at all. I think it was just an expression of my own feelings, how that makes you feel is not something I am doing TO you.) But this pattern of self-centeredness continued: 2. Once again on the phone, you requested that I let you know if I am feeling depressed BEFORE you come over so that when you arrive you don't mistake my mood for some kind of displeasure with you. (before was only an example here, since in the past the entire issue was ignored.) Once again, like the "no single women over my house issue", it's all about YOUR comfort level, (any relationship should consider both parties comfort levels) with a complete disregard for my right to privacy and my right to simply exist without having to be concerned that I am not revealing enough private thoughts/emotions to you so that YOU can feel better. (This wasn't my intent. You can have your own thoughts and such but when you're in a relationship, you should try and give, give your heart and your feelings - not all of them, but at least make an attempt to express yourself - that's all.) And don't insult me by claiming that this request was purely out of concern for my well-being. (WASN'T IT? I wanted to get to know you and you seem to miss that entirely.) Though that may be partly true, if you even cared about my well-being as you claimed, you would have noticed during this phone conversation how smothered and pressured you were making me feel in this request, and you would have backed off. (I wanted to but at the same time, since you didn't express this - how could i make the assumption that you were feeling this way?) But you kept pushing. Why? Once again, the self-centered problem you have: all about your needs and your comfort. (Not true, it's about open-ness and understanding, something we clearly weren't on the same level in dealing with). You needed me to share more of my inner thoughts/feelings at that time because YOU wanted to feel better about the relationship and where it was going. (Not true, I wanted this because I wanted to know you better, I was attempting to figure out who I was in a relationship with!) You didn't even notice that you were upsetting me and pressuring me with this expectation. And once again, a long drawn out phone conversation in which I tried to make you see what you were doing to me. You were unable to see. (Again, you avoided being open and just saying this is how I feel, this is what I need from you to not feel this way...) I finally gave up trying to fight you on this, and admitted that I had grown accustomed in past relationships to keeping my sad/anxious feelings to myself. This was true, but I admitted it because you were stressing me out by being unrelenting in your request, and it was the only way to get you to back off after 30 minutes of me fighting you for my right to share my pain at my discretion, and in my own time. (Why was this so hard for you to say? Why was it so hard for you to share? Why did you insist on blocking me out of your life little by little?) WHICH SHOULD BE ENTIRELY MY RIGHT WITHOUT CONCERN OF ANY PRESSURE FROM YOU TO DO OTHERWISE! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE ANYWAY, EXPECTING ME TO SHARE MY EMOTIONS TO THE EXTENT THAT YOU DEEM ACCEPTABLE, AND ON THE TIMETABLE THAT YOU SET?! HOW SELF-CENTERED OF YOU!! (Wow! Not the case at all. You can do it on your time table, but I do need someone I'm in a relationship with to share with me. Yes...that's part of what makes a relationship. If all we ever talked about was how I was feeling and my concerns then I would certainly be self-centered.)3.Guilting me about not wanting to go to your mom's birthday (even though I had only an eight hour window in which to sleep between night shifts, as I was working at 6pm that day instead of 9pm). I had made no previous commitment to go. (No, but my mother's birthday over shopping for new pants...you do the math. I would have been there for you if it was something important to you...especially over shopping.) I politley declined at the time of this phone conversation. You said: "Well maybe I should stop inviting you to family events. " (I asked this, not stated it. I needed to know - was it my family? Why weren't you going? I know that my family can be overwhelming and if that was the case, I wanted you to be up front and adult - just tell me what's up so that I can understand you better). Sure, I had recently canceled on the Christmas day gathering. But so what? I'm not your spouse or your fiance. (No, but were a very important part of life.) Bear this in mind: since I met you THREE MONTHS ago (not a long time for any couple), I have already supported you (and "us") by attending: lunch at your parents house, your nephew's birthday party, your family sizzler dinner, TWO thanksgivings in one day, and had also accepted an invite to christmas eve (don't get me wrong about this:I think you have a wonderful and kind family and I always appreciated yours and theirs hospitality). I have been more than accomodating in your requests to join you and your family (which most boyfriends of less than SIX months would not have been anywhere near as supportive as I have been). Yet you still felt the need to guilt me. (It wasn't guilt - I was trying to figure out what was up and since you clearly weren't able to express other things openly I had to assume you were only telling me part of the story.) I asked you why you were guilting me over this birthday party thing. You said that I should know how much you cared about your family and that if I cared about you I would go. But if you respected me at all you would not try to make me feel bad for not going. Can't you see that? (I see that. I just wish that we could have found a compromise or at least come to an understanding of why you didn't feel it was important for you to go. An open and honest answer...) I tried to point out delicately: 1. It is your family, not mine. I barely know them. 2. I have known you for only 3 months. You are treating me like a fiance or husband who refuses to attend an important family event. By guilting me I felt you were taking us to a relationship level that in my opinion we were nowhere near. Most couples don't meet each others families until much more time has passed (I met your parents after 2 weeks I believe? Tell any one of your friends this. They will be surprised) (You met my family at that time because you asked to...not because I wanted you to. You asked, I tried very hard to not, but I could tell it bothered you so I gave in to your request) yet I have been quite accomodating in your requests to attend family gatherings. Besides feeling like I was being an uncaring boyfriend by declining the invite, your other concern was that you will be embarassed at having to explain to your family why I am not there. I'm fairly certain they would not be offended by my absence. (Definitely incorrect there - my family fell instantly in love with you and your presence was expected and looked forward to) But the point is: you are so self-centered that you cared more about your potential embarassment in telling your family that I wouldn't be coming to your mom's birthday, than you cared about respecting my choice not to go. (Not true, the embarrassment wasn't the issue, the issue was that I would have to explain that they were not as important to you as you were to them...and being that I love my family very much this would hurt) And all you could see was your own hurt (there's that self-centered thing once more), which made you unable to see that you were emotionally blackmailing me through guilt (at least 3 guilt-laden comments in this 15 minute phone conversation by my count, which you denied doing each time). I tried for 15 minutes to help you see what you were doing to me, and you were unable. I was finished at that point trying to help you to see how you were disrespecting me. (This wasn't an issue of respect for you - I was being open and honest with you, something I thought I could do without your judgement) I did not feel like spending an hour on the phone again trying to get through to you (as I tried in the previous 2 examples above). I found myself rubbing my temple furiously as I felt like I was going insane because of your obtuseness, so I broke up with you. Maybe my mistake was indulging you TOO much by going to so many family events that you got spoiled and came to expect it EVERY time. Or maybe my mistake was agreeing to meet your family too early on thus giving you the impression that our relationship was much more than I actually felt it was. (or maybe asking me marry you twice within the first month, or saying you were going to try and get me pregnant...maybe one of those things was really what made me think you cared.)Nevertheless, you lost complete perspective about how serious we actually were as a couple. (Apparently, but looking back I feel that I was really just misled) But the main problem in all of these three examples I have listed is that you are completely self-centered in your feelings. (Not self-centered, just open. I would have loved to have you express your feelings in such a free manner - but you are clearly not capable of this)This is quite common in girls your age, and younger. This is not something that you can just flip a switch and stop doing. You have to REALIZE you are being this way first before you can change it. (I don't feel this is something that should change. I think any adult relationship should include both individuals feeling confident and secure enough to tell the other how they feel at all times. I know you don't feel this way, but I think in time you may learn. I'm not sure why you don't - perhaps fear. You have a lot of that. Fear of losing yourself in a relationship. Just by sharing your feelings - that doesn't mean that your feelings have any less privacy or value.) And I don't think you realize it at all. You are too young for me , and I am not referring to your chronological age. You are too defensive for me. (I don't think it's defensive, just open - again...something you seem to be mistaking for something else) Sometimes it seems the slightest criticism will shatter you like fragile glass. (Yes, sometimes my feelings get hurt...it happens.) Also, you are so afraid of confrontation that you can't even communicate that you are hurt or upset. Instead you run away (literally), even in the simplest matters. (Like you are doing now. Instead of having a face to face conversation about your feelings - you are running...we have something very much in common here) This fear of confrontation combined with defensiveness results in so many needless misunderstandings, and is a recipe for relationship failure. (As is lack of communication) You cannot deny that we have had many misunderstandings in the short time we've been together. (Not really that many, we were getting to know each other and that can only be expected) I know you will probably say you are aware of these traits now and will get better at communicating and not being so defensive. I hope you do, so that you will have a successful relationship in the future with some other guy. But I don't want to stay with someone while they work through these issues. (I don't think these are things I need to work on...) I've already done that for too many years with previous girlfriends who were defensive and poor communicators (and guess what, they never changed) The first few months are supposed to be the honeymoon stage in any relationship. Dating you began to feel like work way too soon, and too often. And that's the biggest red flag of all. I think you are in such a severe state of denial about your use of guilt and about your self-centered attitude because you think it's everyone else that has the problem or is the problem. (I don't think that's true. All of my ex's agree that this is not an issue I have. I often am overly concerned with the other person, which you seem to take as being a self-centered issue) You treat everyone else as if they were intentionally trying to make you feel bad, as if your feelings are the only ones that matter. (I don't feel you made me intentionally feel bad, but rather did it without notice or concern) You constantly play the victim. The martyr. It's easier for you to live life this way because if you're the victim than that means everyone else is in the wrong, and that way you don't have to go through the painful process of seeing through self-denial and facing your character flaws. (I have character flaws just like everyone else, but I'm certainly no victim, I'm strong and when I make a mistake I know it and I work my ass off to make things better. However, when a mistake is made in a relationship - one of character, it takes both people to make that better. It means that one person has to call the other on their actions and then help them to figure out a better course of action.) You probably think I'm full of shit and that I just want to see all these things in you that aren't really there because i'm afraid to get too close, and I'm just giving myself reasons to run away. (I do agree here. I think you are running, fast and hard...I don't think it's just but I think you will continue to do this until you are truly willing to open up with someone. Maybe I just didn't make you feel comfortable enough to do that - in which case, some one else would be a better match for you). Trust that I know what I am talking about. (How? You've had 1 failed marriage and 2 failed long term relationships. Of those, the women don't seem to be on that great of terms with you. I have managed to keep all my ex's as friends, close friends who tell me the cold hard truth when needed...this is something you lack and really do need.)You may have had a lot of jobs and experiences by your age and therefore you think you know everything, including yourself. But I have known more people than you by this point in my life, and known them more deeply. I have seen your type of behavior in many others I have known. It is unmistakable. It is like seeing the same tattoo again and again on different people. (It makes me angrier than anything to be grouped with people I don't know. I'm not Sally or Sara or Rebecca. I'm Cindel - I'm independent and 100% different than any one you've ever met.) And these behaviors will only hurt you and prevent you from getting emotionally close to people. And it will make people not want to get emotionally close to you. I am not going to stand by someone and hold their hand for god knows how long while patiently waiting for them to get over their issues. (I'm not asking you to.) I've done that for too long with other girls in the past. Life is too short. I have nothing more to say to you, thus negating any need to meet you face to face. (And avoiding confrontation. This one makes me scratch my head. How is it that you can break up with someone and take the easy way out...so easy that you don't even bother to say goodbye to their face!) Consdier yourself lucky that I spent my time writing this letter just to give you closure, which you seem to be having a lot of difficulty finiding on your own. (Absoutely! I was having a really hard time finding closure since all I got was a quick "It's over" and a dial tone in my ear. When just hours earlier I was told "I care about you"...certainly not things that go together) I don't want to see you. I don't want to talk to you. I don't want texts or messages from you. LEAVE ME ALONE. (Just wow!)