Attempt at a Poem

I don't write poetry but every now and then, I write and see what comes out:

I'm a woman - I pay my rent, do
my chores, own a car, dog and
fancy jewelry. But at the end of
the day - I am a girl.

I am a girl.
I cry, bleed and bruise easily.
The sticks you throw may not
break my bones, but they can
still poke my eye out.

I dwell on the unknown, on emotion,
on unknown emotion.

I dwell. I worry. But I'm not a girl, I am
a woman, and because of this
I am lucky.

A girl can not wrap her long slender fingers
tightly around a frosted
glass bottle.

A girl can not drink herself sane.
A girl can not drink away your sticks.

But I am a woman - I can
find safety, peace and quiet
in the tiniest bit of
clear liquid.

Baby Steps

In an attempt to learn to struggle less and yet achieve the same, I have implemented some new things into my life. My mornings now begin with a paper journal that contains three things I am grateful for, one overall daily goal towards centering myself, and one step I can take to achieve this goal. My evenings are now reflection on this and whether I was able to complete the step and where I'm at with the goal.
Beginning tomorrow, I will be a Yoga Goddess. I am signed up for daily yoga with my new hot pink mat. The classes I have tomorrow are Yoga Basics and Karma Yoga. I think it should be a good experience and help me towards rebalancing my insane orbit right now.

Tonight, I have a group of friends (I've named them the M's - yeppo - Mandy, Max and Melanie...plus my deal others who don't start with M's) coming over for pizza, drinks and ... moving! Of course this played largely on my goal for the day. I'm trying to start with something I really feel I can accomplish so, we'll just see how it goes.

The Idea of "Good Enough"

I decided to see a therapist, someone who can tell me what is and is not "normal." Since I've been feeling rather insane as of late and could use a maypole right about now.
Anyway, she had some great things to say:
First off, the idea of "good enough." This concept is one that I struggle with. I seek perfection, whether that's possible or not (most often times not). I need to start looking for "good enough" and stop looking for the nasty p word!
Second, I have intrusive thoughts. I just checked Wikipedia and I SO DO! These thoughts are inappropriate and random. They aren't normal and I need to work on getting control over this issue.
Third, I'm not self-centered...it's the opposite. I have trouble accepting. I have a hard time accepting compliments, gifts, emotions, everything! Because I never really feel "good enough," it makes it hard for me to just accept what is presented. I avoid expectations so that I don't have to be dissappointed when they aren't met. I'd rather be the person giving than the one getting. This is a major issue for me and I'm going to work hard, VERY HARD on improving this one.

Another Sleepless Night

"This is the kind of dream where everything too terrible to imagine suddenly happens, it happens when your back is turned, just when you think everything is fine." (Alice Hoffman, At Risk)


Not a wink of sleep...none. For some reason I tossed and turned so much last night that even the dogs didn't want to sleep in the same bed. By 3am I finally decided to give up and moved to the living room where the hum of the fish tank and air filter attempted to sooth me.

Have I mentioned that I have the most amazing friends? Last night I spoke with Alena, again. Her wisdom astounds me. I think perhaps she was a wise, old, Indian woman in her past life. She explained to me that perhaps the happiness I've had over the last few months were only a small portion of what I will experience...in the future. She prescribed me with some self time, something I've been lacking lately due to the dog rescue. She also suggested that I really sit down with my roommate and make sure he understands that I really do value his friendship and want to make sure that our move into separate dwellings doesn't put an end to it.
Speaking of the roommate, he read the letter and he thinks that perhaps I got dumped - not because this guy actually wanted to break up with me, but because he felt forced. He's wise too - have I mentioned that? We stayed up not that late, watching a peculiar show on the TV. His presence can be a real comfort to me sometimes, and other times, not. It's strange how that works.

I was suppose to go play doubles tennis after work today with some individuals I've never met, however this morning I failed to find my racquet.

Bitten Bullet

I did it! I bit the bullet today and finished my final exam for Toise's class. I seem to have come to this mental idea that if I put it off long enough I wouldn't have to do it. Then today, out of the blue, I realized...OH SHIT, I really do have to do this. I spent a whole 20 minutes working on it and really it made no sense at all but I just can't say I care any more. I'm exhausted physcially, emotionally, mentally and I just don't care. Call me a quitter, tell me I'm taking the easy way out - I've heard it all before. I'm my own worst critique and at this point the curtain is drawn, I already hit the send button so BACK OFF!

So, he wrote me this letter explaining why he dumped me and for some reason I really feel the need to review and analyze it...comment and such. So....below is his letter and my comments in blue:


For me things were going well with us in the beginning, but any feelings and trust began to erode over time with you as you began to show other sides of yourself that I did not like. Behavior that made me feel manipulated, smothered, and just plain irritated. I don't feel like I am walking away from something great with you. I feel like I am escaping from a big mistake. I do not want to get more seriously involved with someone who has such a poor perception of themselves that they can't see how and why they are smothering their boyfriend and driving him nuts. (I think this is a personal fear he has of getting stuck.) All the things you listed in your letter: the climbing thing, the flubbed attempt you made to make me feel better, the accusing you of being spiteful. Though I may have mentioned them to you as examples of things that have bothered me, and though they may have been misunderstandings on my part, these are nothing issues in the grand scheme of why I don't want to be with you anymore. You didn't mention or address in your letter any one of the REAL issues (because you never bothered to bring them up to me in an open and honest conversation) that I tried to make you realize over the phone (on three different phone conversations). (conversations which actually didn't address those issues) Here's a recap in case you forgot or simply chose not to remember when you wrote your letter: 1. 2 months ago it took me an entire hour to help you realize that it was wrong of you to dictate whom I should and should not be able to have in my own home (The Brie thing). (This isn't true. I told you up front, I knew my feelings were invalid I just needed some time to process my feelings.) You did not want me to have any single female friends over (again - wrong...I didn't want this specific individual to your home) if it was just going to be me alone with them in the house. It took an HOUR to make you look past your own jealous and paranoid feelings and see that you were disrespecting me with this request. Can't you see how incredibly self-centered this is, to be so focused on your own emotions that you completely disregard others? (I wasn't disregarding yours I was just expressing mine, which you apparently have chosen to ignore after an HOUR long conversation.) Let me be clear on this: this is not a "problem with your jealousy" issue. Everyone gets jealous, including myself (though you self-admittedly used Xyz twice to make me jealous, which is a terrible thing to do to your boyfriend when you get in a tiff with him, considering that your boyfriend knows that you have been fucking this guy on and off for a long time). (Again, really in accurate. I wasn't using him to make you jealous, I was using him to help me realize if I was in the right or wrong on my feelings regarding various issues. I had to do this since every time I brought my feelings up to you, you got defensive and made it out like it was an issue I was completely out of line to bring up). I digress: I didn't have a problem with your jealousy in this incident. Yes, eventually you realized that it was wrong of you to expect me to limit who I could have over my own house. But what bothered me was that it took an HOUR of debate and conflict on the phone to help you see that. (No, again, I knew this from the beginning - the conversation was an attempt to find a compromise since we were suppose to be working as a couple.) It was that self-centered attitude that I have a real problem with, not jealousy. Either you are incredibly stubborn, or you are so wrapped up in your own hurt and jealousy that you can't see that you are disrespecting someone with unfair and foolish demands. (I don't think this was disrespect at all. I think it was just an expression of my own feelings, how that makes you feel is not something I am doing TO you.) But this pattern of self-centeredness continued: 2. Once again on the phone, you requested that I let you know if I am feeling depressed BEFORE you come over so that when you arrive you don't mistake my mood for some kind of displeasure with you. (before was only an example here, since in the past the entire issue was ignored.) Once again, like the "no single women over my house issue", it's all about YOUR comfort level, (any relationship should consider both parties comfort levels) with a complete disregard for my right to privacy and my right to simply exist without having to be concerned that I am not revealing enough private thoughts/emotions to you so that YOU can feel better. (This wasn't my intent. You can have your own thoughts and such but when you're in a relationship, you should try and give, give your heart and your feelings - not all of them, but at least make an attempt to express yourself - that's all.) And don't insult me by claiming that this request was purely out of concern for my well-being. (WASN'T IT? I wanted to get to know you and you seem to miss that entirely.) Though that may be partly true, if you even cared about my well-being as you claimed, you would have noticed during this phone conversation how smothered and pressured you were making me feel in this request, and you would have backed off. (I wanted to but at the same time, since you didn't express this - how could i make the assumption that you were feeling this way?) But you kept pushing. Why? Once again, the self-centered problem you have: all about your needs and your comfort. (Not true, it's about open-ness and understanding, something we clearly weren't on the same level in dealing with). You needed me to share more of my inner thoughts/feelings at that time because YOU wanted to feel better about the relationship and where it was going. (Not true, I wanted this because I wanted to know you better, I was attempting to figure out who I was in a relationship with!) You didn't even notice that you were upsetting me and pressuring me with this expectation. And once again, a long drawn out phone conversation in which I tried to make you see what you were doing to me. You were unable to see. (Again, you avoided being open and just saying this is how I feel, this is what I need from you to not feel this way...) I finally gave up trying to fight you on this, and admitted that I had grown accustomed in past relationships to keeping my sad/anxious feelings to myself. This was true, but I admitted it because you were stressing me out by being unrelenting in your request, and it was the only way to get you to back off after 30 minutes of me fighting you for my right to share my pain at my discretion, and in my own time. (Why was this so hard for you to say? Why was it so hard for you to share? Why did you insist on blocking me out of your life little by little?) WHICH SHOULD BE ENTIRELY MY RIGHT WITHOUT CONCERN OF ANY PRESSURE FROM YOU TO DO OTHERWISE! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE ANYWAY, EXPECTING ME TO SHARE MY EMOTIONS TO THE EXTENT THAT YOU DEEM ACCEPTABLE, AND ON THE TIMETABLE THAT YOU SET?! HOW SELF-CENTERED OF YOU!! (Wow! Not the case at all. You can do it on your time table, but I do need someone I'm in a relationship with to share with me. Yes...that's part of what makes a relationship. If all we ever talked about was how I was feeling and my concerns then I would certainly be self-centered.)3.Guilting me about not wanting to go to your mom's birthday (even though I had only an eight hour window in which to sleep between night shifts, as I was working at 6pm that day instead of 9pm). I had made no previous commitment to go. (No, but my mother's birthday over shopping for new pants...you do the math. I would have been there for you if it was something important to you...especially over shopping.) I politley declined at the time of this phone conversation. You said: "Well maybe I should stop inviting you to family events. " (I asked this, not stated it. I needed to know - was it my family? Why weren't you going? I know that my family can be overwhelming and if that was the case, I wanted you to be up front and adult - just tell me what's up so that I can understand you better). Sure, I had recently canceled on the Christmas day gathering. But so what? I'm not your spouse or your fiance. (No, but were a very important part of life.) Bear this in mind: since I met you THREE MONTHS ago (not a long time for any couple), I have already supported you (and "us") by attending: lunch at your parents house, your nephew's birthday party, your family sizzler dinner, TWO thanksgivings in one day, and had also accepted an invite to christmas eve (don't get me wrong about this:I think you have a wonderful and kind family and I always appreciated yours and theirs hospitality). I have been more than accomodating in your requests to join you and your family (which most boyfriends of less than SIX months would not have been anywhere near as supportive as I have been). Yet you still felt the need to guilt me. (It wasn't guilt - I was trying to figure out what was up and since you clearly weren't able to express other things openly I had to assume you were only telling me part of the story.) I asked you why you were guilting me over this birthday party thing. You said that I should know how much you cared about your family and that if I cared about you I would go. But if you respected me at all you would not try to make me feel bad for not going. Can't you see that? (I see that. I just wish that we could have found a compromise or at least come to an understanding of why you didn't feel it was important for you to go. An open and honest answer...) I tried to point out delicately: 1. It is your family, not mine. I barely know them. 2. I have known you for only 3 months. You are treating me like a fiance or husband who refuses to attend an important family event. By guilting me I felt you were taking us to a relationship level that in my opinion we were nowhere near. Most couples don't meet each others families until much more time has passed (I met your parents after 2 weeks I believe? Tell any one of your friends this. They will be surprised) (You met my family at that time because you asked to...not because I wanted you to. You asked, I tried very hard to not, but I could tell it bothered you so I gave in to your request) yet I have been quite accomodating in your requests to attend family gatherings. Besides feeling like I was being an uncaring boyfriend by declining the invite, your other concern was that you will be embarassed at having to explain to your family why I am not there. I'm fairly certain they would not be offended by my absence. (Definitely incorrect there - my family fell instantly in love with you and your presence was expected and looked forward to) But the point is: you are so self-centered that you cared more about your potential embarassment in telling your family that I wouldn't be coming to your mom's birthday, than you cared about respecting my choice not to go. (Not true, the embarrassment wasn't the issue, the issue was that I would have to explain that they were not as important to you as you were to them...and being that I love my family very much this would hurt) And all you could see was your own hurt (there's that self-centered thing once more), which made you unable to see that you were emotionally blackmailing me through guilt (at least 3 guilt-laden comments in this 15 minute phone conversation by my count, which you denied doing each time). I tried for 15 minutes to help you see what you were doing to me, and you were unable. I was finished at that point trying to help you to see how you were disrespecting me. (This wasn't an issue of respect for you - I was being open and honest with you, something I thought I could do without your judgement) I did not feel like spending an hour on the phone again trying to get through to you (as I tried in the previous 2 examples above). I found myself rubbing my temple furiously as I felt like I was going insane because of your obtuseness, so I broke up with you. Maybe my mistake was indulging you TOO much by going to so many family events that you got spoiled and came to expect it EVERY time. Or maybe my mistake was agreeing to meet your family too early on thus giving you the impression that our relationship was much more than I actually felt it was. (or maybe asking me marry you twice within the first month, or saying you were going to try and get me pregnant...maybe one of those things was really what made me think you cared.)Nevertheless, you lost complete perspective about how serious we actually were as a couple. (Apparently, but looking back I feel that I was really just misled) But the main problem in all of these three examples I have listed is that you are completely self-centered in your feelings. (Not self-centered, just open. I would have loved to have you express your feelings in such a free manner - but you are clearly not capable of this)This is quite common in girls your age, and younger. This is not something that you can just flip a switch and stop doing. You have to REALIZE you are being this way first before you can change it. (I don't feel this is something that should change. I think any adult relationship should include both individuals feeling confident and secure enough to tell the other how they feel at all times. I know you don't feel this way, but I think in time you may learn. I'm not sure why you don't - perhaps fear. You have a lot of that. Fear of losing yourself in a relationship. Just by sharing your feelings - that doesn't mean that your feelings have any less privacy or value.) And I don't think you realize it at all. You are too young for me , and I am not referring to your chronological age. You are too defensive for me. (I don't think it's defensive, just open - again...something you seem to be mistaking for something else) Sometimes it seems the slightest criticism will shatter you like fragile glass. (Yes, sometimes my feelings get hurt...it happens.) Also, you are so afraid of confrontation that you can't even communicate that you are hurt or upset. Instead you run away (literally), even in the simplest matters. (Like you are doing now. Instead of having a face to face conversation about your feelings - you are running...we have something very much in common here) This fear of confrontation combined with defensiveness results in so many needless misunderstandings, and is a recipe for relationship failure. (As is lack of communication) You cannot deny that we have had many misunderstandings in the short time we've been together. (Not really that many, we were getting to know each other and that can only be expected) I know you will probably say you are aware of these traits now and will get better at communicating and not being so defensive. I hope you do, so that you will have a successful relationship in the future with some other guy. But I don't want to stay with someone while they work through these issues. (I don't think these are things I need to work on...) I've already done that for too many years with previous girlfriends who were defensive and poor communicators (and guess what, they never changed) The first few months are supposed to be the honeymoon stage in any relationship. Dating you began to feel like work way too soon, and too often. And that's the biggest red flag of all. I think you are in such a severe state of denial about your use of guilt and about your self-centered attitude because you think it's everyone else that has the problem or is the problem. (I don't think that's true. All of my ex's agree that this is not an issue I have. I often am overly concerned with the other person, which you seem to take as being a self-centered issue) You treat everyone else as if they were intentionally trying to make you feel bad, as if your feelings are the only ones that matter. (I don't feel you made me intentionally feel bad, but rather did it without notice or concern) You constantly play the victim. The martyr. It's easier for you to live life this way because if you're the victim than that means everyone else is in the wrong, and that way you don't have to go through the painful process of seeing through self-denial and facing your character flaws. (I have character flaws just like everyone else, but I'm certainly no victim, I'm strong and when I make a mistake I know it and I work my ass off to make things better. However, when a mistake is made in a relationship - one of character, it takes both people to make that better. It means that one person has to call the other on their actions and then help them to figure out a better course of action.) You probably think I'm full of shit and that I just want to see all these things in you that aren't really there because i'm afraid to get too close, and I'm just giving myself reasons to run away. (I do agree here. I think you are running, fast and hard...I don't think it's just but I think you will continue to do this until you are truly willing to open up with someone. Maybe I just didn't make you feel comfortable enough to do that - in which case, some one else would be a better match for you). Trust that I know what I am talking about. (How? You've had 1 failed marriage and 2 failed long term relationships. Of those, the women don't seem to be on that great of terms with you. I have managed to keep all my ex's as friends, close friends who tell me the cold hard truth when needed...this is something you lack and really do need.)You may have had a lot of jobs and experiences by your age and therefore you think you know everything, including yourself. But I have known more people than you by this point in my life, and known them more deeply. I have seen your type of behavior in many others I have known. It is unmistakable. It is like seeing the same tattoo again and again on different people. (It makes me angrier than anything to be grouped with people I don't know. I'm not Sally or Sara or Rebecca. I'm Cindel - I'm independent and 100% different than any one you've ever met.) And these behaviors will only hurt you and prevent you from getting emotionally close to people. And it will make people not want to get emotionally close to you. I am not going to stand by someone and hold their hand for god knows how long while patiently waiting for them to get over their issues. (I'm not asking you to.) I've done that for too long with other girls in the past. Life is too short. I have nothing more to say to you, thus negating any need to meet you face to face. (And avoiding confrontation. This one makes me scratch my head. How is it that you can break up with someone and take the easy way out...so easy that you don't even bother to say goodbye to their face!) Consdier yourself lucky that I spent my time writing this letter just to give you closure, which you seem to be having a lot of difficulty finiding on your own. (Absoutely! I was having a really hard time finding closure since all I got was a quick "It's over" and a dial tone in my ear. When just hours earlier I was told "I care about you"...certainly not things that go together) I don't want to see you. I don't want to talk to you. I don't want texts or messages from you. LEAVE ME ALONE. (Just wow!)

Why would you tell someone you care about them and then do blatant things to hurt them?
I'm serious - and seriously looking for an answer.

New Goals

Part of my whole thinking with my Yi involves some new goals for myself...here they are:
1. Move and unpack before the semester starts
2. Close Pomeranian Rescue Group before February 1, 2008
3. Take at least one snow shoe hike during January
4. Attend QiGong consistently for at least one month
5. Go snow boarding at least once in January
6. Finish my final semester at CSUS

My Xin

My Xin is all fucked up. That's what I learned today at my QiGong class. I need to let go of the Xin and bring to focus my Yi.
The class was great, it was small and really focused. I felt like I learned a lot about the way I think and I learned a lot about how my thinking affects my life.
I didn't go climbing today, but I made a huge step and didn't cancel entirely either!! YEAH ME! I've decided to post pone it and so I'm taking my climbing less in April. Why? Because it is something I want to try, I just need to be a comfortable environment and mind set in order to do that.
I'm going out for lunch with a friend now...then probably go visit the family.

Attempt at Moving On

He's still not around...and that sucks but... on a different note.
I went out to Woodland Aviation today and hung out with Shawn and Mac. That was nice. They always have something funny and interesting to discuss. Plus Shawn's wife is preggers. Congratulations all around.
This evening, I went out on Brandon's cabin cruiser boat for the first time since he bought it (over a year ago). It was awesome! It's so quiet out on the water at night and the stars, planes and moon...wow. The world is so beautiful. There were some really great photos to be taken ... and yet, no Brian to take them. That was a little heart stirring.

If You're Not The One by D.B.

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I'll never know what the future brings
But I know you're here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
I don't want to run away but I can't take it,
I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?

Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my husband?

I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life
I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am

Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side
I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I could stay in your arms

The Unattractive

This world is filled with unattractive people. I never really noticed til now...I am surrounded by unattractive people. No one looks good, I have no interest in dating those people. I went on a few dates this week and IT SUCKED. None of them are him and none feel right. They aren't even half as right as him.

I make mistakes, I'm human...any yet...shouldn't someone who cares for you be willing to help you learn from that and improve on it?

CRUSHED!

Just breath...that's where I'm at. The crying is still hard to control but breathing is getting easier.
I miss him like a mad woman. I called and cancelled my rock climbing lesson today...well not really...I just keep telling myself I need to. I could always just no show on Saturday and that's the same as cancelling - just different. I had wanted to learn some stuff so I could go with him and make him proud. No such luck and although I'd still like to try it, I think now is not the best time for that. I don't need any more reminders of him. He's on my mind all the time already. I really thought I'd found the person I was ment to be with. I thought if only he's be opening in his feelings we'd be perfect, and I mean PERFECT.
Right now I just need to remember to put one foot in front of the other and keep going...like I always do.

The Love of my Life

Have you ever thought you'd found someone you were going to marry? Have a baby with? Love forever? And then watched them turn their back and walk away from you? I have. I'm now scared, alone and completely confused. How can something that felt so right...be...so wrong. I wasn't aware that I could be that happy. He showed me a little bit of perfection and the life I really wanted and then left me.
There was so little I didn't like about him. I liked his rock climbing, his desire to be a photographer, his love for his dog, his compassion and want to do something to make himself happy. I'm just really heartbroken that his happiness doesn't include me.

Wow! I put my heart on the line and I'm broken. I guess I should know better by now but I don't. I met this amazing guy who made me want to give our relationship everything I had and he dumped me. Ouch! I'm devistated to say the least, shocked to add on that...and yet I feel like I should have known better. The second I start to trust someone this happens, I just should have known better.
I thought I could tell him how I felt and he'd get it...guess not. I thought he'd be long term...guess not.
My heart will bleed for a while, my eyes will certainly be swollen for a while...but really I'm just angry at myself because I knew better - fate never works in my favor.

Just Another Let Down

Forgive the rant...
Every time I try to do something special, it always backfires and I end up really angry. Like tonight...I made a mistake - I put faith in the guy I'm seeing. Perhaps unwarrarented trust. He said let's do dinner at 7:30 and I had no real reason not to trust in that but when 7:30 came around, he texted to say, let's make it 8:30. At 8:30 I found myself sitting in front of the fire alone...go figure. By 9 o'clock I was still waiting and now very angry because I've been dressed up in a cute little dress with flashy makeup and heels for my dog. Chewy appreciates my efforts and thank goodness someone does. Tomorrow, I took the day off work hoping to spend the morning in bed with the guy I'm head over heels for...instead I'll spend my morning alone in bed with Chewy. We'll cuddle and I'll tell him how much I adore him. I have a dog because he can be relied upon and Chewy will never let me down.

The Great Tribal Leader Speaks

Oh Wise One, you speak such great words!
Last night I had a much needed conversation with the Great Wise One. I was frustrated with the idea of art. I had come to the conclusion that I felt this way because it has no value, it's meaningless. Art doesn't bring anything to the world that makes it better or makes a real difference. Art makes me angry because individuals (in my opinion) waste (yes WASTE) time on it. Time that could be spent making a real hands-on difference in the lives of those around us. In my free time, I don't draw or write...I save dogs because it makes a difference and when it stops making a difference to me, I will move on to some other form of meaning.
I called the Great Wise One to vent in the myst of my melt down. The Great Wise One brought me a light. She explained to me that it isn't the art that is beautiful, I don't have to like the art. It's that which is within the art that has meaning and value. Someone spent time created that something that is now being observed and it was meaningful to that one person who spent that time. The art is not the beauty, it is the subject that is the beauty and it is not the art that is to be immortal, it is the subject frozen in that art.
The Great Wise One brings such meaningful words to this world. I am moved and forever will see art differently.

Female Sexuality

In both Eliza Haywood’s Fantomina (published in 1725) and John Cleland’s Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure (published in 1749), the body and female sexuality are depicted as adaptable and able to fit into the surrounding environment. The use of false imagery as a way of projecting one’s self as a different individual and different social status is seen as standard and ordinary during the 18th century. However, in Fantomina this ability to adapt is viewed in a negative light and leads her to be seen as an unfit woman who is too free with her body. Ultimately Fantomina’s ability to adapt her body to the desires of others, leads to the protagonist’s fall from grace and banishment from normal society.[1] Whereas, in Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure, though the protagonist attempts to experience freedom of the body through sexual promiscuity, she is never truly able to escape from her basic nature and ultimately returns to the image she originally chose to portray (a docile and well mannered female). This drastic contrast in the outcome of the characters can lead to a better understanding of how each author portrayed female sexuality and ultimately the body through their use of characters. The changing female form is established and ultimately can help readers to conclude that female sexuality is constantly undergoing change and has not yet solidified in a single meaning and perhaps it never will.
In Eliza Haywood’s Fantomina, Fantomina is a girl attempting to maintain the interest of a man she desires. In order to do this she must take over the roles of several very different women in an attempt to keep him craving more. The idea that women are able to create their own sexuality in this strict and fleeting society is a concept that dominates throughout the novel (although ultimately is overruled by the societal norms). Haywood describes the male sex as unable to “prolong Desire, to any great Length after Possession” (50). The idea that the male is only interested in the new and exciting helps to force the female to attempt to achieve this goal in order to maintain his interest. It was described that “the Widow Bloomer was a more new acquaintance than Fantomina, and therefore esteem’d more valuable” (60). The idea that the female who has been around the longest does not serve the same purpose or intrigue as a new one, aids readers to a better understanding of Fantomina’s constant need to alter her physical appearance and thus take on an entirely new identity again and again.
Through the use of Fantomina and her various personas, the prolonging of desire can be established in a very unique form. Fantomina is able to alter her physical appearance to such a degree as to change the way in which others perceived her and thus is able to use her body to establish her social position. This ability allows her to put herself into situations which are outside of her class (both above and below). This is depicted when Fantomia is reflecting on the ways in which she has previously encountered Beausplaisir and how he has come to view her differently when she has changed her physical appearance “She had often seen him in the Drawing-Room, had talk’d with him; but then her Quality and reputed Virtue kept him from using her with that Freedom she now expected he wou’d do” (42). In stepping outside of the preset societal boundaries, Fantomina is able to interact with individuals on a variety of levels and experience things that would have otherwise been deemed unallowable. The use of the body as a tool towards blending into society is strongly characterized through Fantomina’s various portrayals. In one interaction with Beauplasir, Fantomina finds herself being pursued by him in accordance with the position he thinks her to be, “then pulling her gently to him, ask’d her…Questions, befitting one of the Degree she appear’d to be” (53). Had her body been portrayed in a different light (such as her true class standing), the experience in its entirety would have been altered. Beauplasir would most likely have ignored her as he had done so many times. Being that he thought her to be an individual below himself, he took liberties with Fantomina that he had until this time avoided.
Throughout Fantomina, the ability of the female to change into the desires of her male counterpart are shown as the ultimate way to maintain attraction and desire. Through change of the body and physical appearance Fantomia is able to change her social rank, position, and personality. The body is presented as the key to shaping identity. This view is in contrast to the idea exhibited in John Cleland’s Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure. In Cleland’s Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure, the main character, Francis Hill, is unable to escape her body through all her efforts and ultimately leads a circular journey which results in her finding herself in the same position she attempts to escape at the beginning of the novel.[2] The idea that body is outside of class and social rank is expressed in this novel.
Cleland informs us that “we may say what we please, but those we can be the easiest and freest with, are ever those we like, not to say love the best” (81). The idea that we are drawn to individuals who make us work the least to be who we are is key to understanding Francis. If one has to work at appearing to be something, Cleland suggests that we are less likely to be attracted to that person. Although Francis plays the part of many different individuals, she is ultimately of one class and never able to escape from that ranking. The idea that the mind and the body are two entirely separate entities plays through in various times throughout the novel. For example, the notion that “objects which afright us, when we cannot get from them, draw our eyes as forcibly as those that please us” (101). At this point in the novel, Francis finds herself staring uncontrollably at the male genitalia; she is entirely unable to look away, not because she likes it but because she finds it fascinating and rare. If an individual were in complete control of their body, they would be able to look away from things they did not wish to see. But, being that the body is ultimately in charge of the brain, we are drawn and forced to experience that which we might rather not.
In the conclusion of Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure, Francis finds herself intertwined with her true love, Charles. Their bond although physical is so complicated and deep that she describes it as “I was him, and he, me” (184). After spending the entire novel searching for a means of being self-sufficient and independent Francis succumbs to her inner-most wants and gives herself entirely over to a man both physically and emotionally when she is reunited with Charles. In marrying Charles, Francis is ultimately giving up her entire financial independence and all that she has worked to achieve. The strong Francis that was once depicted is almost instantly turned into a glowing, soft, docile, female. This idea helps readers to understand that Cleland truly feels that the body is able to control our social and economical identities. Had Francis not been under the control of her body, she would not have accepted Charles back and continued to pursue her desires of being rich and merry. Instead, she is instantly turned into the female identity which she originally found herself attempting to escape.
The two very unique views depicted in Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure and Fantomina help readers to better understand two of the ways the body can be viewed. However, being that the body and our concepts regarding the body is constantly changing and adapting, the views of the 18th century are unlikely to be those we encounter in our every day life.

[1] In the end of the novel, Fantomina is sent to a convent.
[2] In the beginning of the novel Francis is attempting to become self-sufficient, strong and independent.