Reflections

I miss Felix. The conversations we'd have were all too awesome. I miss sitting on my porch and just chatting with him.

On a more positive note, I'm thankful. I'm very thankful for all the things I have in my life. With a special thought on my Grandmother, my family, Stacey, Nicole, Elisha, my great roomies, my awesome dog, my great friend Brian, Peak Adventures, my friends (in general), my ability to pay my bills, my car that runs great, the roof over my head, and so much more!!!

Trouper

My Grandmother made it through Chemo and we're all excited to say that she has only a pea-sized piece of cancer left. It's in the bone on her chest and she'll need to do 10 days of radiation to try and get rid of it, but we're all very glad that everything else has cleared up and she's definitely going to be getting better very soon! My biggest concern is with the recurrance rate on her specific type of cancer. The statistics are scary but I must say that knowing I have her for at least one more Thanksgiving, Christmas and birthday sure do make me warm inside. She's such a huge piece of me.

Although I've sworn off all contact with Brandon, I realize that he may still try to contact me. If he does I've also decided on some conditions that I need met before I'm willing to start talking with him again. I need him to:
1- Try some hobbies together (spend time with me doing fun things, things that I like - climbing, hiking, rafting and such)
2- Check out my friends (in the past he hasn't always like my friends so I'd like to introduce him to my crowd and see how he reacts - I definitely place my friends above any guy and I need to know that he's okay with them)
3- Give us a chance (I need him to actually make an attempt at something with me. No more walls for either of us. Maybe it will last a week or maybe a month but I need it to be real and I need to know that least we tried).

I've been reading some really great books lately. I love reading! When I find a good book that makes me stay up reading until 1am (like last night) when I have to wake up at 8am the next morning - that reminds me of why I decided that English was passion.

Dog Sitting

Starting tonight I'm staying over at a total strangers house. I'm dog sitting. The dog is a little insane so this is going to be a rather tough venture. It's a German Shepard who thinks I'm made for biting and humping. I'll be with him every night for a week. Let's see if I can make a difference. I know that Chewy will not be happy that I'm not spending the evenings with him but I do plan to make sure I spend as much time as possible at home.

On a different note, we find out tomorrow how the chemo has worked on my Grandma. We're all hoping for the best!!

Hiking

Went on a long long hike today with Chewy, Wally and Beaver. It probably wasn't really that long but didn't start on the trail until about 3pm and then made it to the destination around 5:30pm. Yikes! It started to get dark. We decided to take the less steep but much longer trail out of the site. To my chagrin we ended up in the forest in the pitch black. Thank God I had a flashlight. So, we ended up hittin' the trail in the dark. About half way down the path, I stepped on something furry and LARGE. Being that it was dark and I damn near screamed to death...it ran off and I was able to continue. Overall, a good hike...shouldn't started earlier in the day though. Glad I made it out alive!

My mind reels...I still feel very guilty and stupid over the whole incident. I keep beating myself up for several levels of the event. Definitely the obvious but also the acting stupid and the not being open in the end. I'm frustrated with myself since I still want to be with him in the way we've always been together - yet I know with CERTAINTY that I can't want that for myself. I'm better than this. So why do I want something that is so bad for me?

In an attempt to be destracted I went out for dinner with Fernando last night. It was strange to be sitting at a table across from him. I realized that the friendship we had six years ago is definitely long gone - he's not someone I really know any more. I also sat across from him thinking, I would way rather be having dinner with Brian. Brian is a mental equal to me in some ways (not all). He can carry a deep conversation with logic, knowledge and understanding. Where as Fernando is very superficial. I never really noticed that back when. I guess as we get older we realize new things and learn to leave behind the old and move onto the new.

Ultimately, I suppose my dinner with Fernando was not a distraction but rather a further realization of what I already know. That I have to move on. That I have accept the path that I'm on and I have to stand strong in making sure that I am getting the best things for me right now.

Tough Knocks

I did something I shouldn't have, something high school-ish and stupid and of course it's come around to bite me in the ass. Worst part is that this ass biting is really making me think.
I have a really big decision to make and I need to do it. I've been dragging my feet and making excuses for myself and I've got to stop. I have to do this!!!
About a month ago Cinnamon and I were talking about a boy. This boy has become a vested interest of mine. He's been around and not around, but ultimately I seem to think that there was always something worth saving there. In talking with her, we decided that maybe really there wasn't anything there. Maybe what I always was gaining from him was knowledge. He always taught me stuff. New and exciting things. But...we agreed that maybe he doesn't have anything more to teach me. In which case, I really can't hold on any longer. I have to cut him out.
This may be one of the hardest things I've ever done. It may be the most emotionally painful experience I've ever been through but I know I'll come out better in the end.

I spoke with Elisha about this today, when I finally realized I had a decision to make and she said that she truly believes that 23-30 are the hardest years of your life. I'm starting to think that. After all, in December (the month I turned 23 in) I got dumped and things have been changing ever since. Change is hard!! The outcomes are far better than I could ever expect and I've learned SO much in just a short period of time. But gosh, change hurts and it's hard and it's draining and more than anything...it's scary.

I've deleted his telephone numbers from my cell phone, I've deleted all our old texts and emails, and I took that one little piece of paper from my book that had his number on it and I fed it through the garbage disposal. I have to stop this! I have to become the stronger person and I have to be able to say for me when enough is enough! I may cry for the next five hours but I'll come out better - stronger - wiser - intact.

Weekend Fun

I went camping this weekend. A group of 9 of us went out to Point Reyes. We all had on backpacks that weighted at least 15 pounds and we set off on our hike. We hiked 3 miles up hill to a neat little beach area. We camped out, in the rain, without fire for the night. Those who didn't pack well sure regretted it.
I kept dry which was better than most. Although after the first big wind storm my tent died and I had to jump in bed with Jeff. His tent did great though! I woke up warm and dry.
Overall the trip was a total blast! We had a good time, saw some cool stuff, spent time on the beach, flew a few kites and did a TON of hiking. Two thumbs up!

Comparison

The reasons that my dog is better than a baby:
1. My dog doesn't wet the bed.
2. My dog doesn't make a mess when eating.
3. I can take a shower without my dog destroying anything.
4. I can take a nap while my dog is awake.
5. My dog doesn't require constant supervision.
6. My dog doesn't have diapers that have to be changed every 30 minutes.
7. My dog doesn't need to change clothes everytime he falls down in the mud.
8. I don't have to bathe my dog every day.
9. My dog doesn't wake up at 6am.
10. Having a dog doesn't mean that I have to give up my social life!!!

As you can tell, I had a baby experience. I had my niece Ashleigh for 24 hours and it was the longest, most exhausting and amazing span of time. I sure do love my Chewy!!!

Life in Motion

My brother and his wife are going through a divorce, he filed paperwork back in April. At the time we were all very mad at him. He has four kids with this woman and wasn't making any effort at saving what they had. Unfortunately, it seems my brother made a very wise choice. My sister-in-law, Julie, was arrested on Wednesday for possession, trafficking and sale of meth.
My heart bleeds!! She's a good person at heart, she's young and hasn't had it easy. I don't think she was doing whatever it was she was doing because she's a bad person. I think either she needed money or she was trying to impress someone or was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
My brother is now filing for full custody of the children. It hurts me to think that she won't be able to see them. Julie has been a very big part of my life. She came onto the scene when I was 15 and really helped my brother to grow up. Kevin was always so immature and she helped to make him more of an adult. When Julie first got pregnant with Skyler she was 17. I had no idea just how much she would come to mean to me. She gave my family Skyler, Elizabeth, William and Ashleigh - these babies mean SO much to all of us. Being that Julie is the mother of them, she means a lot to us too. I personally have a very sincere love for her. She's been a sister to me a way. It's like we were super close but she'd call more than my brother and she's always been very approchable.
Again, my heart just aches for her. Although my brother wants full custody we all think it's still important that she gets to see them. The kids need a mom and she's not a bad person - she's just made some really poor choices. I hope this will be a wake up call for her and that she'll make the effort that is needed to change her life for the better.